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Can't stand my Mother in law

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

Me and my partner have been together 4yrs we talk about kids and marriage and would already be going ahead with it only for his mother. She raised him and his brother basically alone cause his father basically has used a back problem excuse to not work for the past 40 years. She planned the two of them which means she knew what she was getting into but now she manipulates them to stay by her side and pay everything for her. She has a full time job and pays for nothing and also blames her kids for her problems, when what she should have done was got her lazy good for nothing husband to work the past forty years or left him.

 

My boyfriend has recently finished paying some of his own loans which weren't his to begin with either, his brother had a drug problem which he had to help him through cause the mother didn't and also had to pay 70,000 off to drug dealers basically to stop his brother been killed. Two months after this incident his mother remortgaged her house to put an extension on to it which she had full intentions of my boyfriend paying back cause his brother hasn't got a job he can't exactly help him, also she could remortgage it when she wanted something but not to help one of her kids, to me that is horrible. 

 

His brother came into some money awhile back from an accident he was in and tried starting a new life with his girlfriend, she went mental, saying he owed her the money after everything she has done for him and things like she was never going to forgive him, he owed her his life cause she gave birth to them and the three of them need to stick together and also threatened to end her life. He finally came back and she got the remaining money he had and everything he had bought with the rest. She does this to my boyfriend also, she takes his wages every week to pay for her mortgage, loans , bills, etc, when he doesn't have it she starts crying telling him he gives her nothing and that she doesn't want to keep living and when he if still refuses the tears turn to anger. When he buys something before she gets to his money or when it comes to my birthday he begs me not to tell her his bought me anything or that he has bought himself something. 

 

His brother also tried paying him back the money he owed him but was giving it to his mother to give to him, recently his brothers girlfriend told me the mother had spent every penny of it and how she knew was because she tried to accuse him of not paying all of it and she want to buy a stove (I have not told my boyfriend this I'm not sure if I should). Awhile back I let it slip that we were thinking of travelling after he paid his loans off and she told me he was going no where that his job and life was here (also haven't told him this). I tried getting him out of it by getting him to move but when he told her she claimed that she had cancer, once he told her we weren't going and we had lost our deposit she said the doctors were wrong she was fine, this was in the space of a few days, she was not kept in hospital and only had a cat scan done, I don't think they can even diagnose cancer from a scan.

 

Also all the things she says about doing everything for them, they were left at home with an alcoholic father alone, they used to go around fields for the day, walk to places that would take hours to get to and they live in the country so there was no one around if anything happened them and were never looked for. Their family outings were been dragged to a pub and left run riot while their mother and father drank. They never had an item of new clothing everything she put on them she got of someone else or in a second hand shop, she didn't feed them she brought them to the church to have them feed with to homeless, she couldn't get them any of this but she and her husband could afford their drink and to smoke. They were left at home at the age of 10 on their own while they went on holidays aboard, according to them they were old enough to take care of themselves. So basically she done nothing for them apart from send them to school which she also got help from the church for.

 

I've been living with him for 2yrs with this situation, he doesn't agree with what shes doing but every time he stands up to her he ends up emotionally destroyed. I don't how to handle this situation or help him with it as I've never in my life heard of one like it. I basically cracking up trying to say nothing cause I don't know whether I should get involved or not. I can only see it to be emotionally manipulation, he still worships the ground she walks on even though he stands up to her now and again he seems to be convincing himself that his family is normal. Is there anything I can do to help him or get us out of this situation? Therapy is not am opinion at the moment cause his not even admitting to himself that there is a problem. Also does anyone else think this is wrong cause no one else seems to think its a big deal, and I should either support him and say nothing or leave, I starting to think I'm going a bit mad since I think he need help and his in a very unhealthy situation.


Edited by AllyJ - 3/3/12 at 10:00am
post #2 of 6

This man does not seem emotionally available to be in an adult relationship with you.  Sorry.  It's not going to get better because he doesn't want it to change enough to do something about it.  It is time for you to move on, if he follows you, then you have a chance; if not, well, he's not ready for a relationship, let alone marriage and kids.

post #3 of 6

Yeah, I can't really imagine a solution to this situation--at least not one that comes from you. I guess you might try, "Go to couples' therapy with me or I'm dumping you," and hope the therapist knocks some sense into him. Or else just go straight to the dumping.

 

Definitely do not marry him unless this is resolved. If he doesn't see anything wrong with destroying himself financially because of his mother, he probably won't see anything wrong with destroying you financially because of his mother. Or even if he does respect your income, you'll still be stuck in a situation where you're not receiving any financial support or dedicated homemaking from your children's other parent, and that's a tough situation for anyone to be in.

 

Don't bail him out of any problems he creates for himself because of this behavior either.

post #4 of 6

I agree with both of the responses above.

post #5 of 6

Hi Ally,

I curious about what you want in this situation.  What are your dreams and goals?  What do you see as the best case scenario regarding your partner and a potential future together?  

 

Ultimately, the only thing you have any control over is your choices of action and thought.  Tell me where I'm wrong, but I get the impression that you'd like your partner to be fully invested in your relationship.  That is something that is outside of your control.  Can you be happy in this relationship without needing anyone or anything in it to change? 

 

I'd be happy to give you a little coaching here and help you get some clarity about what you want and finding your own voice on whether or not you can have that in this relationship.  

post #6 of 6
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllyJ View Post

 

I've been living with him for 2yrs with this situation, he doesn't agree with what shes doing but every time he stands up to her he ends up emotionally destroyed. I don't how to handle this situation or help him with it as I've never in my life heard of one like it. I basically cracking up trying to say nothing cause I don't know whether I should get involved or not. I can only see it to be emotionally manipulation, he still worships the ground she walks on even though he stands up to her now and again he seems to be convincing himself that his family is normal. Is there anything I can do to help him or get us out of this situation? Therapy is not am opinion at the moment cause his not even admitting to himself that there is a problem. Also does anyone else think this is wrong cause no one else seems to think its a big deal, and I should either support him and say nothing or leave, I starting to think I'm going a bit mad since I think he need help and his in a very unhealthy situation.

 

I'm very familiar with situations like this. The family (mom, dad, brother) has a drug and alcohol problem. They're very enmeshed.  My family was exactly like this. My mom and my brother and a big portion of the extended family had drug problems. My dad spent a lot of time rescuing people from their self-created messes. He did that until the day he died. I took over when he died and did it for years and years, until about 18 months before my mom died from an OD.

 

If I were you, I would plan on a future in which he isn't going to get away from his family or stop taking care of them or stop rescuing them.  Plan on things staying exactly as they are. If he stays the same and they stay the same, are you willing to have kids with this person and raise them in this environment? If not, dump him.

 

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