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How do you know if you're a bad mom? - Page 3

post #41 of 45

you have no idea how close I was to posting almost the same style questions on here! Mommy guilt has been setting in like crazy for me lately. For instance, in the middle of the day, when my little one is at daycare, and I'm done with my errands etc. just being lazy around the house - should I go pick her up? Isn't daycare just for when I'm at work? Is this a form of neglect?

Part of my problem is that I'm a teen mother & I'm already paranoid of what others think about me. Which has always caused me to be on my tip toes about my parenting skills. Lately it's been worse though, especially at night when all I can think about is "should I have done this?" "I probably should have made this for her to eat instead of that" or my favorite, "I should probably put some of those hundreds of Pinterest boards to good use & make some extra crafts & healthy food".

Maybe theres no cure for "mommy guilt" maybe we just need to go with it...learn to live through it...and do the best we can with what we know.

post #42 of 45
My mother dealt with three children in three years in a household where they had trouble getting us coats every year, but they raised three daughter that could run their own laundry by seven cook w/ supervision by ten run a budget by 12 and I asked recently if she thought she was a good mother... She said she tried they avoided the mistakes her parents made*discipline that crossed the line to abuse* and the ones my fathers parents made * blatant favoritism * she raised three daughters that she was terrified she was screwing up through depression on both their parts and on a budget w/o give for years she said she made us grow up too soon that she did her best for us... Do your best and ask yourself that question in 20 years your children can't ask for more
post #43 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jen Muise View Post

idk, when I've asked my kids what I could do to be a better parent the give me stuff like 'Let us eat more chocolate chip cookies" and "let us watch allllllll the tv we want".  I try and use more specific questions (like, remember this afternoon, when I yelled at you?  what do you think happened there?)  and observation to evaluate my mad parenting skillz.


yes, I also think it is just a bad question. When my children were smaller, they seemed happier when I appeared to know what I was doing. I think it gave them a sense of confidence. I think that asking this question is poor parenting.

Continuum Concept talks about this. She says that when babies and little children are the centre of attention it makes them anxious. Because children watch us to learn how they should behave in society. So if we are always watching them they think "why are they watching me? Don't they know what to do? I don't know what to do?" Not, that a baby's thought process is that sophisticated but you know what she means. That's why she says children should be at the centre of activity but not the centre of attention; so they can observe and learn.
post #44 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunniview View Post


Because of my mistakes they all have some anxiety issues, are in long term relationships but say they are afraid of commitment,struggle with some insecurity and although they come to me when they are hurting or scared- I can see and have been told by my oldest that they do not feel they can trust or look to me for advice. When i was younger and realized i needed therapy- i questioned whether it was in their best interest for me to give them up- but there was no one to give them to- i have a small family and what there is are less fit than me to be a parent. Having been in a few foster homes when i was little- i know that some can be very bad.

 

I have prayed and prayed for the Lord to fix whatever is broken with me so that my kids do not have to suffer for my short comings.

 

 

I think it sounds like you did very well -- especially considering what your own upbringing was like, the lack of a partner to help raise them, and the lack of solid support in the form of sane extended family. I really don't think that we were meant to raise children completely alone. I have tremendous respect for moms who do it -- who just kept showing up and being present with their kids.

 

I believe that how a person turns out is a combination of genetics, upbringing, and choices they make. It is quite common for adults, especially young adults, to blame everything they don't like about themselves on what their parents did/didn't do, but truth to told, there is just a lot more to it than that. Part of how we are is just a crap shoot that was already determined before we were born, and part we decide every single day of our lives by the what we do and how we think about things.

 

We all make mistakes as parents. By the time our kids are teens, we all have things we can look back on and wish we had known/done differently/been less tired for/been more perfect. All we can really do with that is to love ourselves anyway and let it go.

post #45 of 45
Whoa, Sunniview! Try not to take your kids criticisms too much to heart! If I'm reading right the oldest is just out of adolecence and that is the height if the "Mom is ruining my liiiife" phase. I still want to cry thinking of the cruel stuff I said to my Mom during that time of life. Stuff that wasn't even in the same neighborhood as reality like telling her she failed by not giving me any younger siblings. Yeah. She was widowed and not dating. How my hormone addled brain thought that would happen is beyond me! I wasn't a bad kid or atypical, either, I remember friends acting the same shameful way.

You sound like a great Mom to me. Yes, maybe you had some bad relationships but, damn, you got out of them fast when they became a danger to your kids! My MIL made the opposite choice and her five kids were all horribly abused by at least seven different men. Instead of looking the other way you protected them.
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