Pregnant = Disinterested? « Back to Group Discussions

[lbkw]

So I have been putting off starting this thread for months hoping either someone else would or I would move past it. But with the other threads discussing Braxton Hicks contractions after intimacy...I felt like someone in this group might have some thoughts to share.

Basically since the end of my "fertility window" when I got pregnant, I have had no interest in sex, whatsoever.

During the first trimester, I chalked this up to normal and that I'll get over it. But I had hopes for the 2nd trimester. A couple of posts in this group even talked about the "good times" they had and/or were looking forward to.

I remember during my last pregnancy I had a lot of anxiety about my breech baby that manifested itself into not wanting to be intimate at all and I can't really remember what my feelings were before then.  

Honestly, I look forward to a bikini wax more than getting into bed at night. I don't have morning sickness or extreme aversions but every noise, smell and touch (other than regular massage) practically grosses me out. I have cried several times (during or right after) it bothers me so much.

My husband is occasionally "understanding" (but totally doesn't get it) but often annoyed. I know that while I am nursing, especially for the first few months, I won't be interested either so I feel like I'm better off trying to get over it for the rest of the pregnancy.

I am thinking of mentioning it at my next doctor's appt, but not sure if there is any point.

[MaerynPearl]

is it at all possible that you have prenatal/gestational depression? There's so much info out there about postpartum depression, but prenatal/gestational depression is so rarely talked about that women think they're crazy for feeling how they do! But it's not really crazy, it's just that your body isn't coping with the hormonal changes the way it should. I do think you should mention it to your doctor, especially if you have any other signs of depression.

[lbkw]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl 

is it at all possible that you have prenatal/gestational depression? There's so much info out there about postpartum depression, but prenatal/gestational depression is so rarely talked about that women think they're crazy for feeling how they do! But it's not really crazy, it's just that your body isn't coping with the hormonal changes the way it should. I do think you should mention it to your doctor, especially if you have any other signs of depression.

I guess anything is possible, but without exaggeration, this is the ONLY area of my life that has been impacted. Truth be told, I don't have the strongest desires during non-pregnancy, but it's not this extreme. When I say I look forward to a bikini wax, like seriously, I was excited that I was making the time for myself. My time with my kids is great and we're all excited for the baby. We're doing a lot of planning for childcare and work/life balance and it's a little overwhelming, but I kind of enjoy it. I just wish I didn't have to deal with DH, too.
 

[scowgirl]

I know this isn't that helpful... just, I've been there (for other reasons) and I think if it's such sensory overload/anxiety/discomfort that you are CRYING during or after, then I think maybe some counseling or self-help might work better than trying to just "get over it." In my experience, the more I tried to force myself, the more psyched out I got and the worse it was.

I know you said your sex life is the only thing that has been affected, but is there stress about the new baby or about finances, work, demands from the other kids, etc.? This sounds trite but if you are feeling resentful of him for other reasons, maybe the pregnancy stuff is combining with that to contribute to the anxiety/discomfort you are feeling? I could be way off base there.

I mean, I do understand where your DH is coming from. Sex is an important part of a marriage. But if it is that bad for you, then my 2 cents is that you are better off not trying to force it, and although hopefully it doesn't sound like I am being critical of him (because again, I do get it) I wish he could be more understanding of that. I hope things get better soon. 

[lbkw]

Thanks, scowgirl. DH is a really supportive partner with my kids and home. He is a great dad and does as much or more around the house than I do (he can work from home and always ends up cleaning up). That is why I feel so conflicted. I can't think of the best way to explain it, but he makes me feel gross. When he expresses desire for me, it makes me want to be with him less. I find his advances completely off-putting and they have just gotten worse over the years. We have talked about it occassionally and I guess I'm not so nice about it because I tell him it's like he must not have worked through his teenage years and now he's trying to get them back. (We've been together since he was 22.) I know it pre-dates pregnancy, but now that I am pregnant it just becomes what you said, forcing myself. At least, not pregnant, I am not as tuned into the sensory stuff and I can at least enjoy sometimes.

Interestingly, a couple of weeks ago I had a tension headache and I was able to get past the other issues and feel satisfied by the rather lengthy "session" which actually made me feel better. I think it was because I had something else that was bothering me so I didn't get bothered by the other stuff. I have never been so sensitive (specifically breasts) in my other pregnancies. This morning, he touched a spot on the bottom of my belly and it made me jump. I don't know if there is anxiety that is manifesting itself in sensory stuff or if it's just a weird hormonal sensory overload.

 

Originally Posted by scowgirl 

I know this isn't that helpful... just, I've been there (for other reasons) and I think if it's such sensory overload/anxiety/discomfort that you are CRYING during or after, then I think maybe some counseling or self-help might work better than trying to just "get over it." In my experience, the more I tried to force myself, the more psyched out I got and the worse it was.

I know you said your sex life is the only thing that has been affected, but is there stress about the new baby or about finances, work, demands from the other kids, etc.? This sounds trite but if you are feeling resentful of him for other reasons, maybe the pregnancy stuff is combining with that to contribute to the anxiety/discomfort you are feeling? I could be way off base there.

I mean, I do understand where your DH is coming from. Sex is an important part of a marriage. But if it is that bad for you, then my 2 cents is that you are better off not trying to force it, and although hopefully it doesn't sound like I am being critical of him (because again, I do get it) I wish he could be more understanding of that. I hope things get better soon. 

[Iowa]

I think the being pregnant, tired, and a little awkward with the growing tummy can explain all of that.  Probably nothing more than that.  I often feel the same way.  My DH and I both enjoy getting foot and back rubs so maybe you could try a different form of touch...even if it's you that's rubbing his back or laying on his lap while watching TV so that he can still feel the sense of touch without you having to be touched too much:). 

[sjdragonfly]

lbkw, I feel almost exactly the same as you. I was so excited about the second trimester when I heard other women talking about how they just couldn't get enough during that time. I'm usually more interested than DP and lately, I just don't want anything at all. I'm not feeling repulsed by him, I just have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. I just went with it a few weeks ago when DP wanted to and afterwards, I was just wishing I could have been reading my book the entire time. *sigh*

I definitely am not having depression issues. I have had issues with that in the past and right now I'm constantly happy and excited and motivated in all other areas of my life. DP is constantly telling people when they ask how I'm feeling that I might just be the happiest pregnant woman ever. haha. 

[XanaduMama]

I really sympathize with this, because although I'm one of those women who actually gets more, um, horny during pregnancy, when I'm not pregnant my drive is very low and I really identify with many of your comments here. I'm definitely not depressed... more just...not interested. I usually enjoy it when it happens, but am often reluctant beforehand and almost never initiate it. It was a big issue between us for a long time, though for the most part dh has learned to deal with it, to his credit.

While it usually irritates me when people suggest that something must be "wrong" with you (depressed, unresolved marital conflicts, etc), I would encourage you to get your thyroid levels checked. Often low libido can be a symptom of hypothyroidism, which is common during pregnancy and also more generally more common than we think.

Meanwhile, I'm intrigued by your headache episode. It occurs to me that this might be a good occasion to try out your labor techniques--not that we should be thinking of DTD as something to endure or suffer through, like contractions, but perhaps the "gateway" theory applies here too, at least in terms of getting you past the sensory overload feeling you describe. I don't know...just an idea.

[lbkw]

Originally Posted by XanaduMama 

While it usually irritates me when people suggest that something must be "wrong" with you (depressed, unresolved marital conflicts, etc), I would encourage you to get your thyroid levels checked. Often low libido can be a symptom of hypothyroidism, which is common during pregnancy and also more generally more common than we think. 

It's interesting you should say that. I don't recall the last time I had my thyroid checked, but DH always tests as "hypothyroid" but all of his symptoms manifest as "hyperthyroid". (I wonder if it has  different impact on men.) I am looking into an accupuncturist who specializes in pregnancy. It is not very convenient and I haven't figured out the cost, yet, but I'm hoping it will be an option.

[scowgirl]

I am really interested in hearing more about the labor techniques you mention, XanaduMama. I guess for one thing, I should be learning more about labor!  But a lot of times, if I can just get past that initial anxiety, I might be OK, so if I had some techniques to do that it might help me a lot. Any books or resources you would recommend?
 

Originally Posted by XanaduMama 

I really sympathize with this, because although I'm one of those women who actually gets more, um, horny during pregnancy, when I'm not pregnant my drive is very low and I really identify with many of your comments here. I'm definitely not depressed... more just...not interested. I usually enjoy it when it happens, but am often reluctant beforehand and almost never initiate it. It was a big issue between us for a long time, though for the most part dh has learned to deal with it, to his credit.

While it usually irritates me when people suggest that something must be "wrong" with you (depressed, unresolved marital conflicts, etc), I would encourage you to get your thyroid levels checked. Often low libido can be a symptom of hypothyroidism, which is common during pregnancy and also more generally more common than we think.

Meanwhile, I'm intrigued by your headache episode. It occurs to me that this might be a good occasion to try out your labor techniques--not that we should be thinking of DTD as something to endure or suffer through, like contractions, but perhaps the "gateway" theory applies here too, at least in terms of getting you past the sensory overload feeling you describe. I don't know...just an idea.

lbkw, I can identify a lot with what you say here. I agree that the way my DH approaches sex just makes me uncomfortable and is very offputting, not that he's doing anything "wrong" or silly or anything like that, I just don't find it appealing at all. We have also been married since I was 21 and he was 22, and were each other's first, and I've often felt that this might have something to do with our "issues." Sometimes I feel like we're still teenagers playing house and fumbling around, which is not exactly a turn-on.

I don't want to pretend at all that this is a major source of the problems I've had, but he also wants to kiss constantly during sex. I find it annoying and anxiety-provoking, and physically unpleasant, and I've tried to explain that it doesn't do anything for me, but he doesn't seem to hear it and just usually continues doing everything the same way. Then I feel like a jerk because, like your DH, he is about the sweetest, most supportive man and partner you could possibly imagine, so it seems petty to nitpick sex, and I hate "complaining" to him about stuff like that because I don't want him to feel bad. On the other hand I've had the experience of laying there the whole time feeling like I'm going to jump out of my skin, and hoping he doesn't notice that I'm crying, which although the reasons might seem silly to me, the experience of it is horrible and I don't feel like it's something I can really put up with. I don't know. It's a tough issue. Luckily (I guess? And in his case unfortunately it might be because of all the rejection from me over the years  ) neither of us has a huge sex drive so it's not a major issue in our daily lives, but I know this isn't really the best way to live.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lbkw 

Thanks, scowgirl. DH is a really supportive partner with my kids and home. He is a great dad and does as much or more around the house than I do (he can work from home and always ends up cleaning up). That is why I feel so conflicted. I can't think of the best way to explain it, but he makes me feel gross. When he expresses desire for me, it makes me want to be with him less. I find his advances completely off-putting and they have just gotten worse over the years. We have talked about it occassionally and I guess I'm not so nice about it because I tell him it's like he must not have worked through his teenage years and now he's trying to get them back. (We've been together since he was 22.) I know it pre-dates pregnancy, but now that I am pregnant it just becomes what you said, forcing myself. At least, not pregnant, I am not as tuned into the sensory stuff and I can at least enjoy sometimes.

Interestingly, a couple of weeks ago I had a tension headache and I was able to get past the other issues and feel satisfied by the rather lengthy "session" which actually made me feel better. I think it was because I had something else that was bothering me so I didn't get bothered by the other stuff. I have never been so sensitive (specifically breasts) in my other pregnancies. This morning, he touched a spot on the bottom of my belly and it made me jump. I don't know if there is anxiety that is manifesting itself in sensory stuff or if it's just a weird hormonal sensory overload.

 

 

[XanaduMama]

Originally Posted by scowgirl 

I am really interested in hearing more about the labor techniques you mention, XanaduMama. I guess for one thing, I should be learning more about labor!  But a lot of times, if I can just get past that initial anxiety, I might be OK, so if I had some techniques to do that it might help me a lot. Any books or resources you would recommend?
 

You can read more about the Gate Control Theory of Pain here. The short version is that your body can only really focus on one source of pain/discomfort at once, so applying stimulus like ice packs, hot pads, hairbrushes, TENS machines etc somehow "distract" the nervous system from the pain of labor. I think those of us who have had natural births understand this intuitively. I was wondering whether something similar might help the OP distract herself from the sensory overload of DTD: a hot pad, icepack, having dh scratch her gently, something like that...just a theory

At the same time, other labor techniques like controlled/conscious breathing, mental focusing, all the other stuff you learn in preparation for birth (for me it's especially through yoga that I practice these) to help you get through and (sometimes) distract yourself from the pain...all of these seem potentially helpful in this situation as well. I know I use them during all sorts of things, like having blood drawn, for example.

[Nicole730]

Originally Posted by XanaduMama 

You can read more about the Gate Control Theory of Pain here. The short version is that your body can only really focus on one source of pain/discomfort at once, so applying stimulus like ice packs, hot pads, hairbrushes, TENS machines etc somehow "distract" the nervous system from the pain of labor. I think those of us who have had natural births understand this intuitively. I was wondering whether something similar might help the OP distract herself from the sensory overload of DTD: a hot pad, icepack, having dh scratch her gently, something like that...just a theory

At the same time, other labor techniques like controlled/conscious breathing, mental focusing, all the other stuff you learn in preparation for birth (for me it's especially through yoga that I practice these) to help you get through and (sometimes) distract yourself from the pain...all of these seem potentially helpful in this situation as well. I know I use them during all sorts of things, like having blood drawn, for example.

I feel like the reverse can also be true.  I was totally stuffed up and getting a cold when I went into labor with DD.  But, during labor and the first few hours of post-partum, no stuffiness or signs of a cold at all.  I thought maybe it just decided to disappear!  It came back in full force once DD and I were settled in. 
 

[triple07]

Ever since I gave birth to DS1 (almost 5 years ago) my sex drive has been so much lower than pre-giving birth. I had a lot of pain during sex, but it wasn't JUST that (I got an unnecessary episiotomy which I still resent and have major issues with). I was just so much less interested and still am. It sucks, and I know it sucks for my husband. Again, it isn't depression, I just don't know what it is. We have set a cut off date for DTD while I am pregnant, though, since I went into preterm labor with #1 literally right after DTD at 34 weeks so I said after 25 weeks up to 37 weeks there will be none, just in case lol. Gives me a break and at least DH knows that it is off limits for those 12 weeks...

[mrs_mandolini]

I think a lot of this is due to the hormon fluctuations. I'm pretty much only interested in DTD (at least to the point where I would initiate it) when ovulating. So, of course that doesn't happen during PG or for some time after. It's probably somewhat natural and is affected by how your body deals with the hormone shifts. Sort of like how some women can't stand to nurse when pregnant, this whole aversion deal happens. It's not anything to feel horrible and guilty about but if you and your partner can't talk about it or it is causing issues between the 2 of you, it might be worth talking to someone else about.

My solution to this issue, when not pregnant anyway, is not to use hormonal bc. Because then I'm just not all that interested, ever.

[Shinyredstar]

Oh boy, I've been there. Including the crying and feeling resentful that I should feel pushed/guilted into compromising my body to meet his needs. However, one of the things that I realized in that process was that having sex was a really important physical intimacy need for him that wasn't purely for the purpose of sexual release (though yes, that's a huge factor) but was kind of a validation of our relationship for him. In the same way that I need lots of little bits of physical attention or non-sexual touch, he really needs that kind of intimacy. In the same way that he gives me those things when he may not feel 100% up to it, I try to give him the same in return. This may be TMI, but we've kind of come to this unspoken agreement that if he initiates and I'm not totally in to it, I get time to masturbate before and by doing that it helps me be able to make the transition from mom/dishwasher/cook/maid and into sex kitten as part of the resentment with it was that it's always so easy for him to do that.


(sorry if my point is really disjointed. I shouldn't post from my phone during play practice!)

[Altair]

Not everyone feels extra sexy during the 2nd trimester!  I have the opposite hormonal response during pregnancy that most women-- I have NO libido, in any trimester.  It came back immediately after birth last time (like, literally, 2 days after a c-section when I had NO means of doing anything about it) then went back to normal-ish.  This pregnancy, same thing.  Touched out. 

[lbkw]

I made an appointment with an acupuncturist in two weeks. Will see if it helps. On a side note, my breasts feel engorged...like I'm ready to nurse. I haven't checked to see if there is any milk because I don't want to mess with anything (I was never really a leaker). I know others who leaked milk starting at 4-5 months. I remember my breasts getting bigger during each pregnancy, but this time seems different. Not sure if it is a sign of hormonal haywire.

[Altair]

That's funny I have the same symptom... my breasts are crazily engorged right now.  Went from a 32DD to a 32G (and later even the G bra is leaving dents).  I was only ever a DD-F even when most engorged nursing my son.  I completely think I could express milk if I tried.  

[modestmothering]

Pregnancy sex is a hot topic with me and my friends.  I wrote about it here. Maybe that can be helpful?

[Naughty Dingo]

I think its pretty normal to not feel too much in the mood, ESPECIALLY if you have other kids, work, etc going on.  I feel a lot of pressure in pregnancy to get in as much as we can because once that baby is here, the libido is shot for a long time. This only makes it worse when I'm tired and not in the mood.

Do you ever listen to anything by Dan Savage? His podcast may be a good one to seek out.  Lots of ideas and advice for stuff to do that's not the old traditional thing, though it sounds like you guys have already figured out some strategies.   Good luck.