Had some major revolutions with my marriage and with myself recently. I am on my way to being so much happier (my marriage too!). But while it’s great to realize what the problem is, it’s hard to swallow just how off the path I have wandered.
Some things I have now realized:
I have been shut off to my emotions and spending way too much analyzing, planning, researching, worrying and attempting to pre emptively control any “surprises” that come up in my life.
I am lost about when and how to really express my feelings to others. This includes anger but can also include love and gratitude, in a personal way.
Things that are creative, playful, carefree, spontaneous or passionate seem foreign and awkward to me… for the first time in my entire my life. I used to be that highly creative, funky and think outside the box lady.
I am pretty sure I am not the fun mom. I am the organized mom.
I feel stressed out way too much.
I don’t laugh or smile like I used to… and people have noticed L
I can’t seem to turn my mind off. Or concentrate. A combination that doesn’t really lead anywhere… except to watching more TV.
How did this happen? Motherhood and whole lot more. My best guess is it’s turn into a cat chasing it’s own tale thing. I have always struggled with expressing my emotions to others. Always the happy, laughing one who never got mad. Then when adulthood really hit me: married, working full time, motherhood, bills, housework, etc… I started to let all the fun stuff go. I replaced it with being super responsible. Then I decided to blame DH for everything. After a few years of getting more and more unhappy, I decided to let go of even more hobbies, friend time and fun. I just thought if I could gain control over my life, home, schedule, marriage and get it all fixed… I could bring the fun back in. But I just got more and more distanced from it. Now it seems intimidating L
What I am doing now is reading some self help books I already own, right now reading Creative Visualization. Reading them with new eyes. Doing daily affirmations in a journal and in my mind, and some visualizations. Working on my connection to my DH, which includes saying I Love You and having a lot of sex. My passion for that has remerged in the last year… and probably saved our marriage.
But I get freaked out all the time when I am faced between an invite from a friend and the responsibilities of the day. Then the mental wheels starting turning. I want to be free!
I would be so appreciative of any suggestions – websites, books, tools, your own positive changes… I am all about the baby steps too.