Bringing joy, passion and emotions back into my life

[rhianna813]

Had some major revolutions with my marriage and with myself recently. I am on my way to being so much happier (my marriage too!). But while it’s great to realize what the problem is, it’s hard to swallow just how off the path I have wandered.

Some things I have now realized:

I have been shut off to my emotions and spending way too much analyzing, planning, researching, worrying and attempting to pre emptively control any “surprises” that come up in my life.

I am lost about when and how to really express my feelings to others. This includes anger but can also include love and gratitude, in a personal way.

Things that are creative, playful, carefree, spontaneous or passionate seem foreign and awkward to me… for the first time in my entire my life. I used to be that highly creative, funky and think outside the box lady.

I am pretty sure I am not the fun mom. I am the organized mom.

I feel stressed out way too much.

I don’t laugh or smile like I used to… and people have noticed L

I can’t seem to turn my mind off. Or concentrate. A combination that doesn’t really lead anywhere… except to watching more TV.

How did this happen? Motherhood and whole lot more. My best guess is it’s turn into a cat chasing it’s own tale thing. I have always struggled with expressing my emotions to others. Always the happy, laughing one who never got mad. Then when adulthood really hit me: married, working full time, motherhood, bills, housework, etc… I started to let all the fun stuff go. I replaced it with being super responsible. Then I decided to blame DH for everything. After a few years of getting more and more unhappy, I decided to let go of even more hobbies, friend time and fun. I just thought if I could gain control over my life, home, schedule, marriage and get it all fixed… I could bring the fun back in. But I just got more and more distanced from it. Now it seems intimidating L

What I am doing now is reading some self help books I already own, right now reading Creative Visualization. Reading them with new eyes. Doing daily affirmations in a journal and in my mind, and some visualizations. Working on my connection to my DH, which includes saying I Love You and having a lot of sex. My passion for that has remerged in the last year… and probably saved our marriage.

But I get freaked out all the time when I am faced between an invite from a friend and the responsibilities of the day. Then the mental wheels starting turning. I want to be free!

I would be so appreciative of any suggestions – websites, books, tools, your own positive changes… I am all about the baby steps too.

[bethiana]

That's so awesome you took the time & energy to discover those things about yourself. (& your totally right NOW the hard work really begins) Also high five on the marriage going better. I know when my marriage is going well it feels like a weight off my shoulders. 

I'm kind of working through a similar journey. I've really lost my fun self as well. Having a child at 19 & going through all the crazy things having a special needs child entails at such a young age kind of make me fall into this bitter old lady role while I was still in my 20s. 

Anyways enough about me. I just wanted to add I've loved reading The Woman's Book of Creativity by C Diane Ealy. I had many ahh hah moments while reading that book, & I think you may enjoy it. 

[Pepe]

OP, sounds like you are starting an amazing journey.

What if you began by engaging both your need for frivolity and your need for structure by implementing something scheduled, yet light-hearted--like, a monthly mamas' night out the second Saturday of the month (or friends Sunday hike, or neighbor movie night, or monthly brunch, or date night, or whatever suits you)?  That way, you can't let it slide because it is in your schedule, but you won't feel like you're sacrificing the organization that is comfortable and familiar because you can plan for this regularly scheduled event. 

Can you maintain your responsibility but reward yourself for it, too?--a dance party with your kid after cleaning up the living room, or a funny movie or show after you pay bills...I think you will have to dd in the fun deliberately for a while.

What were some hobbies or fun things you used to enjoy before Organized Mom overtook you?

[rhianna813]

Do you think just going to some events will help? I have been apart of a women’s spirituality group this whole time. We meet for full moons, seasonal celebrations, international women’s day and other things. I’ve dropped out a lot from but not entirely.

Part of the problem is not finding fun or meaningful things to do or just making myself go… it’s not feeling connected once I am there. I am not as a chatty as I used to be and tend to skirt out early. The only way I can describe is feeling like a ghost. I did not understand why I was feeling that way… but now I do. Which is a relief. It was truly me and not them LOL Maybe I am just feeling embarrassed or bad because I have been so on the sidelines for a while now…

Perhaps I just need to DO IT and go out and call friends…. And just know that my emotional self will blossom in time. I really want to feel connected like I used to.

[*bejeweled*]

I could have written your post almost word for word.
It is so easy to lose yourself in motherhood/wifehood.
Yesterday I went to the store to buy myself some cranberry juice because I felt like I was getting a UTI. I instead bought apple juice because noone else in my household likes cranberry. I can't believe I did that! So this morning I'm going back to get my cranberry juice to take care of MYSELF.
Edited by *bejeweled* - 3/7/12 at 7:46am

[*bejeweled*]

[quote name="rhianna813" url=
Part of the problem is not finding fun or meaningful things to do or just making myself go… it’s not feeling connected once I am there. I am not as a chatty as I used to be and tend to skirt out early. The only way I can describe is feeling like a ghost. I did not understand why I was feeling that way… but now I do.


I can totally relate to this. Can you describe how you were feeling that way?

[rhianna813]

Well over the past few years, I’ve just been slowly feeling worse and worse. Not seeing the big picture I just thought there was individual issues with different parts of my life. Like work is stressful, especially when I had a mean boss or the threat of a lay off. Marriage is hard and I blamed my DH for seriously everything I was miserable about. Hobbies became too expensive or time consuming. And any conflict or changes in the groups or friends I had… just seemed like too much work.

Big mistake: I started to avoid all these things thinking they were the issue. Nope. The issue was me. But the bad side effect is that friends, hobbies, activities (although stressful sometimes) were huge emotional connections and outlets. It made things so much worse when I stepped back from these things.

I realized this about a year ago. And started to bring things back… but what I discovered was that I didn’t feel connected to anymore. I felt on the outside, kinda awkward, bad attention span, frazzled and really difficult to open up to people I have known for years and certainly unable to make new connections. I can only say that I’ve been sorta kinda aware of this. On the outside I’d say things like “I’m just really tired or ya know a bit stressed out… sorry I’m so quiet tonight” and the usual “I’m just really busy right now, not sure I can go to that women’s tea and poetry night” and a good one is “I’m just really broke right now”. People always understand and are really nice. And I leave feeling like I am in a cloud.

So from last weeks revelations… I finally came to terms with the fact that I am really EMOTIONALLY cut off. It is so NOT about the money, energy or stress or that my DH is an ogre. He is like begging me to open up to him.

So now I am trying to figure out how to heal and change from the inside out, not so much the outside in. But I also know I must just get out there and start to open up, experience things… and well probably feel a lot of hard emotions that go along with close friendships, trust and being vulnerable.

[rhianna813]

I have requests for 2 books at the library. One was recommended here in my PaP post: The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly.

The other is Daring to Trust by David Richo. He has other books I want to read too, like How to be an Adult in a Relationship. Check out his page at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/David-Richo/e/B000APU8IO/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

[mi_amor]

This is something I have been struggling with as well. I feel so disconnected when I am around other people, like I've forgotten how to be social. My mind seems to go blank, and I have a difficult time trying to have a conversation! I usually blame it on being tired.

The book on creativity looks interesting. In high school I loved writing and being creative, but that came to a stop 10 years ago when I got married. It's like I lost who I was and have been adrift since then. But I am hopeful I can find my creative self again.

I can also relate to being emotionally cut off. I am open with my husband, but I am lacking opening up to anyone else, including my parents. I feel so disconnected.

I'm interested in reading more comments and what is working for you!

[rhianna813]

Where I am now.... is trying to see WHO I am NOW.

Making a list of things I things enjoy doing, that are easy to do and generally healthy. IE: not watching TV or eating junk food. The list is short but it’s honest. It’s not a list of things I should like, or wish I liked or just don’t hate or things I like the end result of but getting there is filled with stress, impatience and anxiety.

The list includes things like playing board games with DH and DS, dancing around the living room alone, drinking a cup of tea and working on small craft projects.

I made some other lists too. One was things I WISHED I enjoyed doing but either had practical or emotional roadblocks up. These are almost all healthy things that require personal motivation. HA no surprise there. IE: walking, yoga, foot baths, spending serious time with friends, investing time into really reading a good book. When I looked at that list my stomach ached.... from guilt I think. I will probably need to go slowly considering how I feel about this list.

The other was a short list of things I'd like to try like going on some real date nights with DH, family bike rides and learning more wines. I felt excited about these things and would like to add to the list. Not making a huge TO DO list, but seeing what things actually inspire me NOW. (the whole learing about who I am now)

I have also been attempting to be more open to what life has to offer. I have been making more eye contact and smiling more at people. And a coworker who I talk to from time to time, invited DH and I over his house for a monthly “cook together” dinner party he hosts. I think he has invited me in the past, but this time I expressed interest to DH about actually going.

On the flipside I got an email from a lady we used to be in a scouting group with. Once the group closed, some of us still got together for a yearly egg hunt with the kids. She was asking about this, just asking if anyone wanted to do – not really offering to lead it. I felt strongly not interested in it. Partly because I always do the most organizing for it and others just show up. But mostly because I have been “well acquainted” with most of these families for a few years now and although we have a few key things in common, I find most of them to be self absorbed and flaky. No real friendships ever manifested....

[Queermama]

I too feel like I was reading something that I could have written... and part of the reason that I find myself coming back to mothering.com for some support.  I like your lists idea... I've also started seeing a therapist again.

it hit me hard when I was with a friend a month or two back and she was laughing at some cute thing that my son did.... he laughed so hard at hearing her laughter... I realized... I have forgotten to laugh. talk about a stomach ache.

thanks for your honesty. I'm going to check out some of the books you suggested. 

hugs, J

[rhianna813]

Thanks again to those who are posting in this thread. I find the comments really supportive and connecting. Not sure I mentioned in this thread but we have been moving homes. So I’ve been really busy and we will be doing the final clean and move out this weekend. SO much work.

Positive things about the move are: it gives me/us a fresh start feeling. Nothing like purging your stuff and moving into a clean new home. We like the layout of the home – it’s more open and allows for more conversation. It’s cheaper than the old house and way more energy efficient – bills will be lower too.

Moves can be very stressful but the improvements DH and I have been making with our commitment to each other and communication have really paid off. We’ve only had a couple of spats. I have been attempting to be as mellow as possible with my expectations of the move. In the past I would have made a schedule in my head and then ticked off all the ways DH was not meeting it my timeline. And then just be pissy all the time and feel like a victim.

I let go of the timeline and decided to trust that it will all get done. Visits to the chiropractor will be needed but it will all get done.

So I started to worry about how much stuff and boxes were piling up around the living and dining room. This is normal for a move. And I started to worry about how there was not time between working full time and moving to keep the new house clean, especially the kitchen. Then I discovered something NEW. It’s called resetting your expectations LOL

I agreed that it’s perfectly ok for boxes to be stacked everywhere and for the house to be dirty. It’s expected. This way nobody fails. What a huge relief to feel this way.

I also had a good friend over and shared with her about the recent revelations and changes. I told her the nitty gritty details. I felt good to trust and confide in my friend. We hugged and said I Love You. She is so easy with the hugs and I Love You’s and I wanted to say it back. I want to be easy with expressing those things too.

[*bejeweled*]

Your posts are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing your journey. I love the resetting of expectations. I also call it Letting Go. It is freeing.

[rhianna813]

Still trying to quiet the urge to preplan and micromanage stuff. In September will be our 10^th wedding anniversary and given how well we’ve been getting along I suddenly thought how nice it would be to make something special of it.

Which lead immediately to PLANNING mode, where I start thinking of where we could go, where to stay, how much would this cost, who would babysit… My brain began to spin and I felt the strong message of NO.

I don’t need to plan or micromanage something to enjoy it. Wonderful, special things can and do happen spontaneously. They don’t have to be arranged, booked and paid for in advance. When I try to preplan things it is not driven by a desire to bring more happiness into my life, it is driven by insecurity and control. It usually leads to shitload of disappointment if things don’t go my way.

So I let it go. When we get closer to the anniversary date DH and I can discuss what we’d like to do to celebrate. I release the self induced pressure to do that alone.

I went one step further and told DH all this. I think I needed the accountability should I change my mind LOL He shared his viewpoint and mirrored back the behavior. Especially the part about how I don’t share any of my planning or research with him, then I just dump The Plan on him and expect him to go along… and worst of all, it’s all his fault if any part goes awry.

The good news is I didn’t feel the least bit defensive by his opinion. I had already realized and accepted my habit. I felt good that he agreed with my findings. That I am accurately viewing myself… which can be so hard to do!

To help bring more passion into to my life, I’ve decided to start reading books. LOL Well I already read books, but for years now I only read informational books, self help, cookbooks, diet lifestyle, parenting, craft ideas …. I hardly read any fiction.

I need something to lose myself in, something to replace TV and a hobby I can take anymore. I decided if all my women friends enjoy fiction… it must be worth looking into! I am getting a list of books I see my friends reading and DH will help by checking out used books stores when he is there.

[mi_amor]

It sounds like you have some great ideas in place! You inspired me to look at my life and find some simple things I enjoy and start enjoying them again. I also love reading, but like you, have been reading informational books for the past few years. Recently at Costco, I wrote down a whole bunch of fictional book titles that looked interesting to see if my library has them available.

My 10th anniversary is also coming up this year, and I love your idea of not stressing about it. I tend to plan things to death, and feel angry if things don't work out as planned. Those people who drive to the airport and pick a place to fly that day have guts! That is definitely something out of my comfort zone.

Have you watched any TED talks? I found some on Netflix and really enjoyed the one called "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown. It was inspiring, and helped me realize how I try to be "safe" and in control and sometimes need to be courageous and vulnerable to experience joy.

Another thing I was going to work on is keeping a Gratitude Journal and see how that improves my outlook on life, and writing. I used to write as a teenager and stopped once I got married, but that is definitely a flame I would like to rekindle.

Thank you for your posts!

[rhianna813]

I am making further progress… Looking back again, I see that my mini breakdown I had (mentioned in first post) really changed everything. Although it was rough and I still feel sad it had to happen, I am really grateful.

DH and I are still getting along so well and reconnecting on many levels. Not to be too TMI but the bedroom activities seem to be how passion is manifesting in my life right now. It is SO wonderful. Our loving feelings for each other have grown. So has the trust and communication.

The other day I had written something special and person for DH. He left me a thank you note and Hershey kiss so I know he liked it. But when I asked him about it, he was all “oh yeah it was nice.” NICE? I was hoping for a lot more feedback, including the word sexy, not the word nice. And then he criticized my handwriting, which we both already know sucks. I walked off feeling kinda crushed.

At first I tried to ignore how I felt and wipe it from my mind, because I didn’t want to have a negative feeling. Then I started to do what I did in the past - bring up all sorts of things DH does that hurt me until I am beyond mad and resentful. But I stopped right there. All I could think was how much he loved me and that this was some sort of miscommunication. So I went back into the room and told him I was upset and why. He apologized and we talked. He gave me WAY better feedback and including the word SEXY hahaha. Then he said he was happy that I shared my feelings. Emotions can be hard to handle, but he would rather have me more emotional than how I was before (IE: the ice princess).

All I could think is I never felt comfortable sharing my feelings with DH and now I do. I DO! This is a huge change.

[Emaye]

Been following your progress. Great to hear that you are making strides :) 

[rhianna813]

Good news! By some miracle we got our full deposit back on the place we just moved from: $725!

Most will go into savings but we each get $50 to spend on ourselves. I am getting Outlander to read, some new fancy shoes and whatever else I don’t need. That’s right – things I want, not things the house needs. WOOT for me J

[rhianna813]

Short update. I have been getting a bit upset or annoyed or conflicted during a few chats (even just passing comments) with DH lately. The topics vary but I am left not sure if I should persue a "real conversation" with him or just let it go. I am taking them each separately of course. BUT through this I realized they all had one thing in common: honesty.

Yes, all the work and changes I am making and we are making to our relationship; have lead to more honesty and personal disclosure. And with that comes... emotional reactions. Keeping people at a distance is safe and letting them into your deep crevices is scary at times. And seeing into someone elses... well seems to churn my insecurities. I am trying really hard to see these little glimses as proof of the intimacy and trust we are building. Because that IS what it is :-)

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by rhianna813 

Had some major revolutions with my marriage and with myself recently. I am on my way to being so much happier (my marriage too!). But while it’s great to realize what the problem is, it’s hard to swallow just how off the path I have wandered.

Some things I have now realized:

I have been shut off to my emotions and spending way too much analyzing, planning, researching, worrying and attempting to pre emptively control any “surprises” that come up in my life.

I am lost about when and how to really express my feelings to others. This includes anger but can also include love and gratitude, in a personal way.

Things that are creative, playful, carefree, spontaneous or passionate seem foreign and awkward to me… for the first time in my entire my life. I used to be that highly creative, funky and think outside the box lady.

I am pretty sure I am not the fun mom. I am the organized mom.

I feel stressed out way too much.

I don’t laugh or smile like I used to… and people have noticed L

I can’t seem to turn my mind off. Or concentrate. A combination that doesn’t really lead anywhere… except to watching more TV.

How did this happen? Motherhood and whole lot more. My best guess is it’s turn into a cat chasing it’s own tale thing. I have always struggled with expressing my emotions to others. Always the happy, laughing one who never got mad. Then when adulthood really hit me: married, working full time, motherhood, bills, housework, etc… I started to let all the fun stuff go. I replaced it with being super responsible. Then I decided to blame DH for everything. After a few years of getting more and more unhappy, I decided to let go of even more hobbies, friend time and fun. I just thought if I could gain control over my life, home, schedule, marriage and get it all fixed… I could bring the fun back in. But I just got more and more distanced from it. Now it seems intimidating L

What I am doing now is reading some self help books I already own, right now reading Creative Visualization. Reading them with new eyes. Doing daily affirmations in a journal and in my mind, and some visualizations. Working on my connection to my DH, which includes saying I Love You and having a lot of sex. My passion for that has remerged in the last year… and probably saved our marriage.

But I get freaked out all the time when I am faced between an invite from a friend and the responsibilities of the day. Then the mental wheels starting turning. I want to be free!

I would be so appreciative of any suggestions – websites, books, tools, your own positive changes… I am all about the baby steps too.

I didn't have time to read the responses here yet, but I'm going to work my way through them because I could have written the first half of this post. 

Edit:  AHHH - just caught a glimpse of your recent post about buying stuff for yourself.  I just got birthday money and am planning to spend it on curtains.  YIKES!