Non-supportive family and friends

[sassyfirechick]

I think I need to trade in my friends and family for newer, upgraded models :-P  DD just turned 4mos old, she's our first, EBF, and I love every minute of it.  I do pump before I go to bed at night because she sleeps 12hrs (8pm-8am) and I'd otherwise be engorged by morning. DH's one request was to be able to help feed her before bed, so she gets her pumped bottle with some probiotics every night.  Everywhere I go, everyone I talk to lately, keeps asking the same questions - is she getting cereal yet?  My MIL BF for 2 weeks then stopped bc of issues, so she not only put DH on formula early, but also added cereals at 2wks to "help him sleep through the night" per dr's orders.  He has major food allergies now because of this yet she in no way believes her actions caused this (nor does she believe he has issues to begin with!).  So bc I've had issues with her being pushy from the moment DD was born, my MIL will talk in the background to my daughter saying things like "oh, you want real food, don't you" and "yummy, get that food, tell daddy you want to eat that".  She drives me up a wall, but I'm getting good at ignoring her since DH won't say much to her and if he does, she still doesn't change.  My parents are cool about it.  My mother BF me for 6 weeks then wasn't able to keep up when she returned to work so she's pretty excited that I'm able to do this.  My parents are also more into healthy eating so they don't question my decisions, like going dairy free at the suggestion of my chiropractor who noticed that DD's early issues seemed dairy related - that lead to sleeping through the night when I changed my diet.

Then there are friends.  None of our friends BF'd.  And the few I can think of who may have tried, weren't sucessful long-term.  Now at 4mos, DD is 25" and 16lbs....she's a solid baby!  At birth she was 7.5 19" so she's had awesome growth and has hit her milestones ahead of schedule so far and is on course to be a very early walker.  So I feel like people don't see her as a "baby" because of her size and they automatically assume that I should jump into feeding her other things.  It kills me when people who never BF their own kids try to give me advice on how to feed my child.  Especially one "friend", a mom of 4 who is a nurse, and is completely anti-breastfeeding!  Her 6yo daughter asked how people feed babies if they don't use bottles (in response to seeing me covered up nursing my daughter), and she told her "they put them up to their boobies and the babies eats from there".  When the 6yo said iiiew, that's gross, rather than taking a chance to explain to her how good and normal it is, her response was "yes it is gross".  I was furious when she told me this story afterwards!  Talk about raising your kids to be ignorant to other views.

Other people have told me to give her bread, and crackers....you name it!  She may be pretty advanced, but she still needs help to balance while sitting and doesn't quite have the "hand-eye" coordination necesssary to eat finger foods!  I don't know why everyone is in a rush to move my child along in her eating habits when I'm happy as is!

Sorry, this was a longer vent than I thought it would be.  Anyone else had to deal with pople like this, and what did you do?  I told my husband I'm not going to stop BFing til DD decides she's had enough, regardless of her age and much to his dismay (he's still squeamish about me BFing in public but I do it anyways, it's not like I let it all hang out!).  I'm reading more about going right to solids rather than purees and I kind of like that, I'm def ok with waiting til she's ready. Her 4mo Dr appt is next week and as much as her pedi is ok with some things I do I'm sure she'll bring up food and I'll have to explain to her too.  That and I'm leaning more towards no-vax even though we started, but that's a whole seperate issue!  Any advice or words of wisdom are appreciated!!

[OSUvet]

Hi firechick! Just writing to send some encouragement. I'm sorry you don't have many (or any!) breastfeeding support around you. It is so hard to deal with all those comments! You have done awesome to EBF your daughter so far, and great job educating yourself and being committed to breastfeeding her full term!

I find that at least until 6 months and on the issue with solids, it may be helpful to default to "the doctors (American association of pediatrics) currently recommend exclusive breastfeeding until 6 months for x,y,z reasons." For some reason, an educated mother can't be trusted, but doctors know all.  When people ask me when I am weaning I often mention that the WHO recommendation is 3 years. But, only if I don't mind the horrified look that usually comes with that...

We did baby led weaning and my son was pretty much exclusively breastfed until about 9 months when he started eating some of the finger foods we offered him. He is 13 months now and has a good appetite some meals/days and eats a ton of solids but other days he is fussy/teething and prefers to mostly nurse. He has been walking for 6 weeks and says at least 8 words. Clearly doing well developmentally.

Hang in there mama! You are doing great. Don't let youself be bullied into compromising what you know is best for your little girl. You may need to just make a matter-of-fact statement that YOU are the mother and you have done your reasearch and know how you want to feed and raise your child. It is not up for discussion/debate!

[nstewart]

Originally Posted by OSUvet 

Hang in there mama! You are doing great. Don't let youself be bullied into compromising what you know is best for your little girl. You may need to just make a matter-of-fact statement that YOU are the mother and you have done your reasearch and know how you want to feed and raise your child. It is not up for discussion/debate!

Well, you can choose to ignore everyone or you can try to re-educate them.  I do both, depending on the audience.  And, you can ALWAYS come here for support and encouragement.

I am fortunate in that my parents have been relatively supportive so far (my mom's made a few minor comments about me weaning DS now that he's a 19 mos old toddler but has backed off right away when I've told her I am not) but all of my friends save one could not WAIT to wean by 6 months.  With them I just don't talk about nursing.  I think that the age your DD is at is hardest from this perspective as people often want to start solids at 4 months.  That is when I got the most comments and found it hardest to just ignore them.  We waited to start solids until 6 months, then did BLW so didn't feed purees, etc. and it was really at least 8 mos before DS was "eating" solids.  Hang in there.  Once DD is old enough that you DO start solids I think you'll see that people ask fewer questions.

You are doing an awesome thing for your DD! 

[LilyKay]

I can totally see why you'd be upset about that. Especially the whole MiL talking to your daughter about how she'd like food. I feel you're doing the right thing about being consistent about your wishes without making a fight out of it. 

Four months is still too early for cereals, especially wheat. I can't believe they're bothering you about weaning already. I'm still breastfeeding my 18 month old and I love it. We're on a schedule now because she started becoming too obsessed with BF. It works great for us. We did baby-led weaning so she was exclusively breastfed until she was 8 months. After the sixth month most of the mothers in my group weaned and there will be a lot of talk about how it is finally over. I tried to be respectful that they're doing what works for them but I could not help feeling left out. The pediatrician also tried to gently imply that I need to wean but I simply ignored it. Now I don't know anyone who still breastfeeds and sometimes it feels lonely. Honestly though, I can't imagine weaning her already. I gave myself as a deadline when she goes to Kindergarten next year.

My advice is accept that it is going to get lonely sometimes doing things differently. And perhaps engage your MiL on how she feels about seeing you BF when she weaned so early. She might be feeling like she missed out on something and unconsciously acting out towards you.

My MiL did not like the fact that I exclusively carried my baby for the first 6 months and I'd hear some subtle remarks here and there about how it's bad for her back or her feet (color me confused). They only complained to DH about it when I was not there. I just ignored the whole thing and would intermittently announce how much I love carrying her. Nowadays (blame this on my tendency to provoke) I sometimes just say how much I love breastfeeding my baby girl and how I'm going to miss it when I finally wean. The reactions range from uncomfortable to genuine curiosity.

We have to do what is right for us. If some one has an issue with it, I (try to) remind myself that it is their problem not mine.

[P.J.]

Depending where you live, you can find an AP / Natural parents playgroup in your area and join. Even if you are not in a bigger town/city where there are more options, I recommend going to the "Finding Your Tribe" forums: http://www.mothering.com/community/f/7/finding-your-tribe , finding your local area, and starting a thread to see if there are other like-minded mamas near you. There may be, even if you're in the middle of nowhere! I am in Europe and I met two of my good mama friends in the local Finding Your Tribe forum. Spending time with them (they are also BFing their toddlers like me) helps me remember that extended BFing is natural and healthy and right.

It is so essential to have like-minded friends or even just acquaintances to spend time with. I hope you can find some so you might feel better about dropping people like your friend who told her daughter BFing is gross.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best of luck!

[Adaline'sMama]

That MIL situation would drive me insane. If she said something like that around me, Id be tempted to say something like, "Stop passive aggressively trying to tell me how to raise my daughter. No food at all until 6 months (or whatever you decided), and after that she can only eat what I want her to eat. Not up for discussion." But, Im not real well liked by my MIL.




I agree that it would be good to find a playgroup or something for support.

[P.J.]

Oh yeah how could I forget to mention La Leche League?! Please go here: http://www.lllusa.org/groups.php and look up a group in your area. Here's the international page in case you're not in the US: http://www.llli.org/

LLL is probably the best place to meet other BFing mamas and get support for continuing to BF as long as you want. I hope there's a meeting near you!

[nia82]

I have a similar yet different situation. I have friends who nurse for long, my family and DH's family is supportive, it is DH who is not. I get snide remarks about it all the time ("Is she nursing again?" "When will you nightwean her?" "Night nursing beyond 13 months is just ridiculous!"). He has always put me under lots of pressure for it and he won't change. People generally don't change their attitude towards nursing. The only people that do are moms who breastfeed and then do it longer than they first thought. Men never change their views, they cannot relate at all. At least in my experience. 

[MichelleZB]

Your circle of friends are weird! Starting solids at about 6 months is pretty mainstream... why is everyone starting early?

You're on the side of science and mainstream medicine here. If your mother in law or friends suggest feeding food to a four-month-old, just laugh at them.

[Katie8681]

These people are ignorant. Point out to them how your daughter is thriving! Clearly you're doing it right. I got/get badgered about my 8 month old who still gets the vast majority of his calories via breastfeeding. I started offering some fingerfoods and a puree or two when he was 6 months and he had zero interest until just a few weeks ago.  He's hitting many of his milestones early, too! So  to the doubters. Your baby is doing just fine and so are you.

[greatgatsby]

Hi, I had a similar situation to you when DS was born.  In the hospital they automatically bring formula into your room and a few times when I went to the bathroom and came back out my MIL was giving the baby formula even though I was adamant about EB!!  For the first 6 months at least they constantly asked how long I would BF and why I don't give him formula and how could I possibly know if he is getting enough food, etc... At about 4 months she began pressuring me to give him "real food."  I have to admit it was really hard, especially being a new mom.  I did start feeding him solids at 5 months instead of 6 because I caved to the pressure.  If it is any encouragement, by the time I weaned him at about 14 months she had moved over to the BFing camp.  I just constantly talked about all of the benefits.  I am pregnant with me 2nd and don't expect the same negative reaction.  I would suggest finding some local moms who are like minded to form a support group.  I live in an area where too many women have elective C-sections and don't breastfeed, but found some like-minded moms by the time he was about 4 months.  It really helps to have the support.  Good luck!

[Denise-Marie]

First I applaud you for doing what you know in your heart is the right thing for both you and your child. Though she may not understand this yet being so little, you are showing her the importance of standing up for what you believe in. Breast milk is the best milk for babies and their little tummies are not yet ready to properly digest solid food until they are at least 6 months. Clearly she is doing well with what she is receiving as her growth proves that. You are doing an awesome job!  Keep up the good work and re-read these uplifting posts from the mamas here when you are feeling discouraged, disappointed and angry at those who are not supporting you.  You certainly have support here! Blessings!!!!

[Laney1983]

Breastfeeding passes on immunizations and so many other health intangibles that formula just cannot recreate you'd really have to have a good excuse to not do it (BF).