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How much responsibility over the home do you have? - Page 2

post #21 of 44

we have our own set of responsibilities that are a given, and then some that I will ask him to do when I feel overworked, but he only does them when I ask. I do all the dishes and laundry

take out trash (with DS)

make appointments, pay bills, manage the budget, shop for most of the gifts

do all the grocery shopping aside from the occasional stop by DH on the way home from work, or if we do grocery shopping on the weekend together

pick up prescriptions.

Make DH lunches(mostly to save money and help him eat healthier. If it was up to him, he'd eat fast food every day)

Gardening(one flower bed and our veggie/herb garden)



DH does all the home repairs(when he gets around to it, lol)

All the lawn work

Services the vehicles, I clean mine, but DH works for a car dealership, so he washes it at work.

He makes sure the trash makes it to the curb on trash day

hmm..that's about it consistently

He makes his own dr appointments(he has diabetes and ADHD)


He works 50-60 hrs a week and the time he spends at home is usually spent with the kids, working on projects or helping with all the parenting stuff. We're starting to finally get into a routine at night when he's home before 7, so that's been nice. :) do I feel like it's even, no not really. Pretty much because all the home stuff never ends. Even if you get to the end of the day and have finished your chores, there's still a list a mile long of things that could have been done, ya know!?

post #22 of 44
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post

greensad.gif That doesn't sound good at all... for either of you.

It's a kind of a sucky situation.  We've even seperated for it before, like almost to the point of divorce, but I realized that even with these issues I would rather be with him than not.  And that it's not due to him being a jerk, it's due to his mental issues.  (When he was alone in an apartment he literally didn't do anything for himself either, and he ended up in the hospital for near starvation.)  He is now in lots of therapy and on meds, and I actually receive a stipend to be his caretaker.  But... it's still hard.  One doc told me, I guess trying to be funny, that it's like I'm a single mom to three kids.  I didn't think it was so funny.  But meh.  It is what it is.  Carry on...  I guess our situation doesn't really have a whole lot in common with, um, "normal" couple dynamics.

post #23 of 44

And no, he's not looking for work.. He has been hospitalized for more than half the year last year (from four seperate stays), and he's on strict orders not to even think about seeking work.  Oh well, as long as he's occupied playing video games in the basement he's pretty easy to keep track of.  :)

post #24 of 44
I'm sorry tiqa. Big hugs to you.
post #25 of 44
Originally Posted by **mom2one** View Post

...but somehow between supper time and bedtime it all gets torn apart and looks like I have not done a single thing all day long!  I hate that sometimes my work is not respected - like no one cares that I just scrubbed the floors so they just walk right through with their boots/shoes on.  

It's the same, here!

post #26 of 44
Thread Starter 

Oh, Tiqa, that is hard. Kudos to you for sticking with someone you love. hug.gif

post #27 of 44
I do 99% of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, bills, apts, etc. The one exception is mowing the lawn bc I'm allergic to grass. DH would happily do a lot of the work I do but I actually like to do it because it gives me a break from parenting. I do about half the things with the kids and the other half he watches them while I work on the house. Also I don't like how he cooks and cleans so I'd rather do it.
post #28 of 44

I do almost all the cleaning.  Dh will once a wk at most clean the kitchen basically if I ask him. He will on his own occasionally start a load of laundry or put one away if I ask him. I clean every day- the whole house. Dh works about 40 hrs a week- sometimes more and sometimes less but generally 40-45 hrs. I watch ds when he is at work. But ultimately I get more breaks in the day than dh does. When he gets home from work he takes ds a lot - often till bed time. this means dh doesn't get down time but he takes ds so I get down time. I need to get better at giving dh more down time- we are both clear aout that- I just get so tired of taking care of ds by the time dh is home so I often just give him to dh. dh puts ds to bed at least half the nights. So in other words he does total equal parenting with me and gets less breaks than I do. So I don't mind doing all the cleaning. Dh does any kind of harder jobs that I don't know how to do. He is totally invested in having it all work together. I am more of the organizer- I pay all the bills (some of which is paid by me and some by him), organize and make dates for things, . I also do all the cooking for ds and me and dh though dh occasionally will cook- and he makes ds simple foods too. I wash all the sheets and stuff and decide when it is time to change the sheets but then often dh will do the sheet changing. He is very helpful but he just doesn't think of housework and see what needs to be done the way I do. I think we have a balance that works for us- though I need to figure out how to give dh more down time.

post #29 of 44

I do all of the laundry (mine, boys, sheets,blankets, miscellaneous) except dh.


Dh does his laundry only because he doesn't like how I do it, so I refuse to touch his clothes. 


I cook all the meals. I do all the grocery shopping, meal planning, preparing and washing of the dishes.


I pay all the bills, except for "his" bills that he has had since before we met.


I make all appointments, attend them with both boys, or find a sitter, usually one of our parents. 


I am almost always with the boys, except 1-2 evenings a week when I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE and make him take them to the park. 


Dh sometimes takes out the trash, sometimes sweeps outside, once in a great while washes the cars, and most times brings the trash cans back in. The one thing he always does is take the trash to the curb. If he forget, its too bad for us. I'm not running out there at 6am with babies following. Hah. No way. 


Things that he does that I cannot do:


Fix the garbage disposal and vacuum.

Anything computer/TV/internet related (fixing.)

Light bulbs.

Moving of very heavy furniture.

Running out to get milk or maple syrup - our two things that seem to vanish in the house.  With an almost 3 year old, a 18 m old and me being so pregnant, there is no such thing as a "quick trip to the market to get one thing." 


I expect the boys to help out once they get old enough. My dh is an electrician, his work is very demanding and could cost him his life.  Some times he is digging ditches, sometimes walking a million flights of stairs, sometimes in the office and sometimes shoved into a little tiny hole to reach whatever wire. Although not in school 24/7, his job requires that he receives ongoing education almost indefinitely. I get burned out sometimes, but that's when I need him to step up a bit, and he usually does. I have no desire to go out to work and make money, so I am more than happy to take care of all household duties here. 


Things that he should be doing that I have relayed to my dad:

-Securing bookshelves to walls. 

-Checking cars/oil status/tires. 



post #30 of 44

I do most of the inside chores, most of the time.  DH will do pretty much anything if I ask though and lately he has been pitching in a lot more without me saying anything.  I always pay all the bills though, even though DH does have to remind me to pay some of them.  I wash most of the laundry since I hate the way DH does it and I fold all of it b/c he's happy wearing it straight out of the hamper.  Since grilling season has started I'll be cooking a lot less since DH prefers to grill.  

post #31 of 44

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama View Post

Things that he should be doing that I have relayed to my dad:

-Securing bookshelves to walls. 

-Checking cars/oil status/tires. 

winky.gif  Been there!


post #32 of 44

The husband is working about 55 hours weekly, thankfully now at just one employer, so I do everything inside.  I cook, I clean the house, I do the daily maintenance (such as dishes, laundry, sweeping), I decorate the outside of the house, I'm working on taking over the bills.  I make and keep the appointments.  I make the social schedule with few exceptions.  I do the vast majority of the parenting.  Husband will play with her when he comes home, changes about 6 diapers a week and handles bath time 2-4 nights a week.  If she cries Mama is back on the job, as he cannot calm her and knows it. 

He takes the garbage out (because it's garbage, and I'm prissy like that.  Ew.), does the car work, makes repairs inside and outside the house, changes lightbulbs (because I'm shorter!), does the yard work...


It's working so far.

post #33 of 44


I clean out dds closets, taking out what she's outgrown. I wouldn't want him doing this anyway ;-)

I vaccume, sweep, & mop floors

I pick up all toys and put away

Dust sometimes, do the dishes

Cook, clean

Take care of aquarium


Get dds bag ready if we are going anywhere

Dress dd if we go anywhere



Set up the automatic monthly bill payments

Will do laundry sometimes

Cook even less (since I've had the baby)

He takes care of cat even though I end up watering and feeding sometimes

Takes out trash - I end up taking this out at least a few times a month but at least he rolls it to the curb...

Before we got a dishwasher he would do dishes because that is one thing I absolutely hated!

He works hard and long hours but at least once a week he will get dd up and/or fix breakfast for everyone


Grocery shopping is kind of up in the air. We will go together sometimes, just one of us with dd or one of us alone.... just depends.


It's easy to glorify the time the other person spends away from home when you are a sahm but chances are they are having just as tough as time as you are.


post #34 of 44

My fiance is usually asleep by 7-8pm, when he gets home @ 5-6pm and is gone again by 6am through the week. It's a challenge with him not being present just to talk to most nights but I just keep doing whatever I can throughout the day and trying to accept that it is enough, or will just have to be for the time being ;-)

post #35 of 44

I feel like we have a pretty even split...we both go through phases of feeling overworked and under appreciated, but that isn't the norm.  


DH does a lot; it sounds like more than most dads.  He works really long hours, handles all of the bills/taxes/insurance/finances, takes care of the lawn, does dinner dishes, helps me with post-bedtime cleanup.


I do the parenting (duh, since I'm a SAHM), including nighttime.  I do all of the food - shopping, meal planning, cooking.  The daily cleaning, tidying and all that.  DH usually does dinner dishes.  


We have a weekly cleaning list (Mondays: mop, Tuesdays: bathrooms, that kind of thing) and I mark off what I'm able to get done, and what's left at the weekend DH will take care of.  That, along with our post-bedtime cleanup routine, goes a long way towards keeping the house kept up without either of us getting overwhelmed.

post #36 of 44

We just did our taxes on Monday night. DH had never done his own before, his mom was a tax prep and always did his, but she passed away last year. I. on the other hand had a hard-assed meany of a dad who made me bang my head against the wall and figure it out for myself when I was 18, and then made fun of me when I didn't get the return I was expecting because I forgot to do my provincial taxes, ha ha!


So, the way we did it was, we each did our own but I helped him... it took a loooong time to get him to just go find his paperwork from last year, he figured he had to read the book cover to cover. He really didn't believe me that 90% of the lines were going to be empty and half the equations we did would come back $0.00. He didn't know that on the back of the T4, it tells you the corresponding line in your taxes for each box on the T4 slip. I could probably have had it done in 2 hours myself but it took 4 (partly because we spent 45 minutes looking for his taxes in his 'filing system' a.k.a MESS once he finally gave in and admitted there might be something to my look-at-last-years-taxes-when-you-aren't-sure-of-something strategy. It won't be easier next year because we'll have capital gains to deal with, but hopefully the year after that it'll be smooth sailing. Overall it was a pretty cooperative effort... no-one got mad and the frustrating moments were tempered with humour. That's how things usually go around here.

post #37 of 44

Most of the time it feels like I do it all. 




Do all of the cleaning.


Do all of the cooking. (except DH cooks dinner on Saturdays)


All of the couponing & grocery shopping.


All of the bill paying and budget management.


All of the inventory of needs (i.e. kids clothes) and purchasing.


95% of the childcare. 


I schedule and attend all of the appointments.


All of night time parenting (DH works midnights).


Breastfeeding, cosleeping, and diapering. 


Bathe the kids


Put the kids to bed


Plan and do all of the outings with the kids


Plan all family outings





Cooks once/week. 


Takes the kids out for 3 hours/weekend  (so I don't snap).


Does the laundry (thank God!). 


Takes vehicles for repairs when necessary.


Takes out the trash (hypothetically... but usually I do this too)



Actually, now that I've typed this out, I can see why I've been so bitter lately. irked.gif It's time to rework some of this. I mostly feel like I am never ever off the clock.

I used to work 20 hours/week and when I did that, DH assumed A LOT more responsibility in all areas. 


post #38 of 44

one thing that is saving my sanity with how little dh is around to help is swapping babysitting with friends...I finally have a few close by that are willing to swap on a regular basis..So right now I'm planning on about 4-6 hours a week to do whatever I need to..whether that's deep cleaning uninterrupted(I can clean the house top to bottom in about 3 hours where all that would take me at least a week with the kids around interrupting all day), or just hang out alone at home..My mom also lives about 20 minutes away, and if I ever want to go out by myself I pretty much can to get alone time. I can't rely on DH on a regular basis to give me downtime on the weekend because he usually has stuff he needs to get done, or needs downtime himself since he doesn't get any during the week. I do get some but it's just spread out through the week so I don't feel bad about this. Find some trusting friends to help you out and repay the favor. I find that having more kids at my house to watch is a little more work, but it's also free entertainment for my kids. They like to play together and I can utilize lessons in sharing, cleaning up, etc with other kids...my kids will be and see the example. It works.

post #39 of 44

Holy tamole (yeah!), reading this thread again, mine hardly does anything inside! 

He never complains about what isn't done, though, and always helps if I ask.  So I am feeling OK.  But I might print this thread out and do the butt-shake dance at him though.  Lazy man!  faint.gif

post #40 of 44

Oh and also, DH is very ADHD, so messes get stepped over constantly, and he rarely sees them. The trash would have to be overflowing and stinky in order for him to feel like it needs to go out..so frustrating, because messes and stuff bother me way sooner than they bother him. One good thing about that is that he NEVER complains with how the house looks because it never gets bad enough for him to take notice :) He also does help DS clean up his toys, because I think he notices messes that aren't his or something..I don't know lol.

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