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Young adults returning to the nest with a partner

post #1 of 2
Thread Starter 

So here's a question, maybe some of you have older kids or have been the kid/adult returning home. 


My almost 19 y.o daughter is returning home to me.  A little background you'd need to know is that her dad and I had a domestic violence issue and at one point he assaulted her when she was 16 and that's the point where I got out.  Now it's almost 3 years later.  She has bounced around tried different things had a really rough time of it and not really her fault, not that her dad and I gave her the best of circumstances to go out into the world under.  She lived with my sister, with her bf's parents and him, and then with her dad, then went to visit her bf in another state and brought him home to rent a house from her dad and his new wife. 


I advised her against renting a house from a relative because feelings are likely to get hurt/money disputes etc. 


So I get a text today that my sister bought her and her bf (21) bus tickets to my house. 


There had been a falling out before with my daughter and her bf and she called both her dad and I asking to come back home.  I told her it'd be best if she didn't live with either one of us but she was welcome to visit and regroup, her dad said come live with me and she accepted and went there and they've been arguing ever since. 


I've told her if she comes here she's expected to go to school ft or work.  She's got her cna and high school diploma.  I had helped her file her fasfa in January so that's a start. 


It's really the boyfriend thing that concerns me.  I've met him and he seems respectful and all. Very quiet.  But he doesn't really have a good work history.  I'm really  not sure what the problem is. 


I am happy today to see my daughter again, but we're so much alike I know it'll probably wear off fast living with a younger version of myself.  LOL. 


So what I really want is to set some ground rules and expectations when they get here. 


I've done this before with my brother and sister living with me and my ex when they were teens.  So really I know better, but it's my kid so I've got to help her get the skills she needs to be independent or to live peacably at home within some reasonable limits of cleanliness and self-improvement towards independence.  I don't want it to be a messy free place for a bunch of young adults to crash and loose all motivation smoking pot and eating and leaving spoons in gross places. 


I had a suprising talk with my ex tonight telling him I'm not trying to get in the middle, I didn't ask them to come here, and what was his view on the situation with them leaving and if he would hold on to dd's stuff so she could get it.  Rumor from my family is he called the police on her and took all her valuables.  Probably true but I didn't get into the whole what happened between my ex and my daughter with etiher of them.  Just kind of listened to the position they left him feeling in. 


Anyhow this got too long.  I'll be back to tell you if I made a good decision or not.  I know if my husband were alive there would be a resounding "Hell no."  on the boyfriend moving in with us. 


I guess I'm looking for advice on how to make the best situation of it.  :-) 


post #2 of 2

Saw your "I'm back" on another thread, I think we may have overlapped when I first started on MDC?


You sound as though you're looking at all the right questions regarding the arrangement.  I haven't been in your shoes -- my boys are 19 and 22 and couldn't be happier living away at school; they get bored very quickly here.  But one thing I thought of is the Older Mamas forum in Groups.  Posting there might hit an audience who's been through the same thing.


Welcome back; I'm sorry for your troubles and hope things go well for you.

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