When your EX cancels time and it is effecting your child...

[Phoenix~Mama]

How do you combat this? Or help your child to not feel abandoned? My DD is very loved and has me and her grandparents in our home to love her, play with her, tend to her needs etc... yet, it seems she is starting to really struggle and question why her Dad isn't around more and if he loves her... This is breaking my heart.  One example is what happened this morning.

DD was going on and on about make-up and wanting to use all of mine.  I told her I'd buy her some play make-up and then she can do hers with me.

Well, that started an interesting conversation. She says, "No, Mommy. I don't want you to buy me play make-up. You love me so much. Daddy can buy me play make-up. I want him to pick me up from school and buy me play make-up." Then she kept telling me she doesn't want me to pick her up from school today, she wants Daddy to.

Last night she actually asked, "Does Daddy love me?"

My EX has cancelled more than half his time in the past three months. I have tried talking to him about this and each time he plays the victim, or just cops an attitude. He tells me he doesn't have to explain himself to me on why he cancels, he has personal things to do. I told him his personal priorities should be to his children and that DD knows days of the week now and knows he is supposed to pick her up on Fridays, so when he cancels that, she is really effected by that. She cries for him often, especially when it's been 2 weeks since she has seen him last.

It's breaking my heart how much this is getting to me DD and that I can't do anything to fix it. :-(

[provocativa]

Well, if I remember your previous username correctly, I thought that your Ex would SUCK at coparenting.  I think that you should be glad that he has less time with her.  He sucks, and his influence on her is likely negative.  Yes she is missing the quantity.  But there is probably not that much quality there.  I think it's better for all this to happen now, rather than when she's older and can create permanent memories of it.  Also, does anything negative happen when you pick her up from school?  Like could what happens afterwards be stressful for her?  Your parents may be stressful for her, they are for you!

I set up my X's coparenting time when I work.  So he can't miss it.  I regret doing this, because now he can't voluntarily minimize his  time with them, as yours is doing.  So often they watch 3 movies in a row.  Such great parenting, 8 hours of screen time.   Sigh. 

[hillymum]

Have you explained to ex how his actions are afecting your dd? Thye old guilt trip? One way I tackle it with sbx is to say I already have plans I am commited to, so will not be available in his place. Or if he can't fulfil his obligations due to work I will get him to commit to an alternative day to fulfil his parenting obligations.

I must admit, I hope it will click at some point that parenting is fun, and that he wants to spend time with his kids, rather than seeing it as an obligation. For a long time I had to fight the feelings that I should be happy that he cancelled, or feel resentful that he cancelled. Such mixed feelings. No matter how we view our ex's, it's how our children feel about them that counts. if our children want to see their fathers and it is safe, then we need to encourage that relationship.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by hillymum 

Have you explained to ex how his actions are afecting your dd? Thye old guilt trip? One way I tackle it with sbx is to say I already have plans I am commited to, so will not be available in his place. Or if he can't fulfil his obligations due to work I will get him to commit to an alternative day to fulfil his parenting obligations.

I must admit, I hope it will click at some point that parenting is fun, and that he wants to spend time with his kids, rather than seeing it as an obligation. For a long time I had to fight the feelings that I should be happy that he cancelled, or feel resentful that he cancelled. Such mixed feelings. No matter how we view our ex's, it's how our children feel about them that counts. if our children want to see their fathers and it is safe, then we need to encourage that relationship.

This... I hate my ex. He treats me horribly. He isn't the most stellar father and he yells and is more strict than anyone on MDC would like, but he is not abusing the kids. And they love him, for better or worse, he is their Dad.

Currently I'm seeing a lot more negative side effects on him not being around than when he is around.

Hilly, I've tried guilt, I've tried to be accomodating and offer switching days instead of him just out right cancelling. I call him and tell him when DD cries for him. I tell him when she asks for him to come see her of for him to call. Usually it is met with his normal response of "you can't make me do something by trying to guilt me and being all snarky to me. I don't have to be your baby sitter."

See, he still can't see that it's PARENTING HIS children.

[hillymum]

Have you turned it around and told him his parenting time is a (court ordered) obligation, and when he doesn't take your dd you are babysitting for him?  Thankfully it was made clear to my sbx, and in our agreement we have a clause saying he has to pay for a babysitter if he can not fulfil his parenting obligations and I have plans. Of cause, getting thst money from him is a different story, but at least he takes his responsibility a bit more seriously than some.