Originally Posted by csekywithlove
Coral123, thanks for responding. For instance, my children will draw pictures for her, write letters, make projects for her and mail them to her because they love her and think about her daily. They constantly will ask if she likes their handmade things for her, b/c regardless of what they look like, they put their hearts and souls into it. Just a little phone call saying thank you, I got your gift and I love it would be suffice. It breaks their hearts to think she didn't like it. Do you see what I mean?
She is eleven years old, she doesn't think about calling when you send her something nice. I feel like you are wanting to stress that she is doing wrong when in reality she is just being a child and children don't think about calling when they receive a gift. It is nice and great that her siblings want to make things for her and have her involved in their lives. But I am assuming there is an age difference there and the kids just aren't on the same level.
Yes, my children are 3 1/2 years younger. They are still at that innocent age, where she is entering that dreadful pre-teen stage in her life. I don't think that she is being wrong in any way. I know it's my own selfish reasons and not understanding her and how to explain to my children why it is the way it is. My latest excuse for her to them is, " you will see how it is to be 11 when you get there" I don't know what else to say.
Yes, she is 11. But I am past emotionally invested. She is not just my stepdaughter. I have been there from day 1. You would not know I had a stepdaughter, you would just assume I had 3 children. It's not like I just came into the picture. We all knew each other in school. But I am trying to figure out how to just step back. That's my reason for this post. But as any mother, it is hard to just not know what is going on in someone's life and how they are and that they are doing well when they have part of your heart.
I get that you may have been there from day one, but she has a mother. You are her step mother, her bonus mom. I think that you are over analyzing this situation and forcing an intimacy with your DSD that she either doesn't want or isn't ready for at her age. You said that she lives with her mother and I am guessing you don't have much regular visitation since you said that you are in the service. That may have something to do with your DSD being standoff-ish. If she isn't seeing her father and his family on a regular basis she may just be uninterested. She is 11 and things are changing for her. I am sure that she is very wrapped up in school, her family, and friends there.
I have never tried to be her mother. Even when she was young, I would always correct her and not let her call me her momma. I wouldn't want my kids calling someone else their momma. That's just me... I think my issue is it was there, and now it's not. And I do believe it has something to do with her getting older and holding me accountable for why her daddy is always moving with me and not stay in one place with her. She has nothing to do with his family. But she still does all holidays and hanging out with my family. Her mom and stepdad and sisters all spend the holidays with my parents. They try to be there for her as well. She says she is always busy. I know she is just growing up, and its hard for her.
As far as the phone. We bought her a flip phone. She talked to us daily and text us. We got her a blackberry to be able to skype. Again, she used it all the time with us, but was upset that the skype didn't allow us to see each other. So then we got her an IPHONE b/c that is what she was ultimately wanting. Now she doesn't text or even do the video. I know she gets grounded from it, but we can't get intouch with her unless she has her own phone.
Getting her an iPhone at 11 is a little bit much to me, but I understand that you are wanting more contact. If she is getting grounded from the phone by her mother, perhaps she is on the internet on it too much or not paying as much attention to her studies and more attention to her friends. I have no idea. But did your DH ask his ex if it was ok for DD to have an iPhone? Was her mother on board with this? And why can you not call the home phone to talk to her? If you have a civil and friendly relationship with her mother, what's the problem with calling the house?
Of course I talked to her mother. I always talk to her mother before I buy her anything. I always double check. I always ask her what she needs or wants, and sometimes we get her one big item and split the cost. He mother thought it was such a great idea. Otherwise, I wouldn't dare do that. Her mother said that she jsut grounds her from the phone and the TV when she is in trouble b/c that is what she likes. She says she can talk to us, but she never remembers to charge it if it is not to play games or something liek that on it. For reasons, I'd rather not mention, her mother really did us dirty once again, and got embarrassed that she got caught in another lie. So she has been avoiding us b/c she doesn't want to explain herself or just has no excuse. So when he calls or text, she says she will call back, and refuses to.
Yes, we have all moved on and have expanded our families. I understand that it is hard for her. B/c every kid wants their moms/dads to be together. But how do you make it as less painful as possible?
Also, this may not have anything to do with you. Perhaps your DSD wants time and attention from her dad. If he is being "laid back" maybe he needs to not be that way. DH should be contacting his daughter and making sure that she has a relationship with his family and him. Look at it from her perspective, if her dad isn't contacting her and wants to see her, but his wife does? She may think you are great, but he is her dad.
I totally agree with you here. I know she doesn't want my attention. It is his that she is wanting... That is why I am asking how to encourage more effort from him, so I can let her jsut have what she wants. It is not me or anything that I do. But I just don't want her to resent the kdis b/c she thinks he does more for them than her.
I do agree that I am in a common position. That is why I felt like I could ask for some guidance on this forum, without completely having the "Evil Stepmom" persona.
I don't think that you are the "evil stepmom." But I do think that this has more to do with your DSD's interpretation of her relationship with your DH than her not liking you or her siblings.
Thank you so much for this. This has really helped tell myself, what I have been trying to allow myslef to think, and just having a hard time to.