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How to encourage husband to be more involved with his daughter? - Page 2

post #21 of 26

 

Quote:

I totally agree with you here.  I know she doesn't want my attention.  It is his that she is wanting...  That is why I am asking how to encourage more effort from him, so I can let her jsut have what she wants.  It is not me or anything that I do.  But I just don't want her to resent the kdis b/c she thinks he does more for them than her.

 

Unfortnately, no matter how much YOU do, she is likely to feel that way. Unless her Dad steps up to the plate. As she gets a bit older, she will likely realize that it's no more your kids fault than it is hers - it will be all on him. That's not a pretty place to be. For anyone.

 

When my ex and I were married, he was also one who "didn't think of" sending cards, making calls, etc. for special occasions. That was on me. I can't imagine much has changed in that regard - left to his own devices, he just doesn't do it, and expects someone else to. It was expected that the kids would call, email, whatever him. He'd never initiate it. Birthdays? I suspect it was his wife who took care of that - bought the gift, stuck the card in front of him, etc. And I suspect she got fed up with that (I can't blame her!), so she stopped. Our daughter has not had ANY sort of birthday contact from her Dad since she was 15. She turns 18 in a week. Towards the end of last year, I made a last ditch effort to help him see what he was doing to the relationship with her. His response was... appalling. She is ridiculous for taking it personally, that it is up to HER to contact him, and if she doesn't? Then she obviously doesn't want him in her life. So she can either rethink her stance and make contact or he will walk away. Well... I think he will be waiting a long time.

 

I'm not saying your husband will end up in that situation with your stepdaughter. More of an illustration of how doing everything that HE should be doing can lead to a nasty situation. I wish that I had stopped doing for him long ago. Maybe things would be different now. Just something to think about. Maybe something to share with him.

 

Best of luck - you seem to be doing the best you can.

 

ETA: My daughter has said to me: "Mom - he's replaced us. He has new kids now. He doesn't need us anymore to present his "perfect" family."

 

Note - he and his wife do not have kids together. She's referring to her stepsibs.


Edited by mtiger - 3/10/12 at 6:12am
post #22 of 26

 

"I totally agree with you here.  I know she doesn't want my attention.  It is his that she is wanting...  That is why I am asking how to encourage more effort from him, so I can let her jsut have what she wants.  It is not me or anything that I do.  But I just don't want her to resent the kdis b/c she thinks he does more for them than her. "


I'm not sure that you can control whatever emotions she might feel toward your kids. Are you saying that you don't want her to resent the kids more our of worry for your own kids, or out of concern for her. Of course he is more there for them than he is for his first kid....there is no way to get around that...your DH made that choice, those are the consequences of that choice.

 

 

One other thing is that you can't really control what sort of future relationship she might have/not have/want with your children.  Moms can't even do that in nonblended families amongst siblings.  

 
post #23 of 26

 

" For instance, her birthday is in 2 weeks.  I waited and waited for him to get a bday present.  I kept reminding him to do it. He still did nothing, not even a card.  So I went and got a card, and just ordered her something off of amazon.  I just can't make her pay for him not being proactive..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She will pay for that for the rest of her life, and there is really nothing that you can do to fix it. This is on him. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

post #24 of 26
I just wanted to come back and wish you luck with your situation, you sound like a very kind person and it seems that you love your dsd and I hope that as she gets older and needs different adults to go to she will feel you are one of them. Back when I was dating, when my older kids were in elem, I dated a few fathers and then chose to only date men with no children. I felt I had too much baggage to take on the kinds of issues you have. It's not easy and I admire your dedication.
post #25 of 26
Quote:
She will pay for that for the rest of her life, and there is really nothing that you can do to fix it. This is on him. 

 

So will he. My daughter refuses to call her Dad. And I no longer have the heart to make her do it. I did for years, but... she turns 18 in a week, and it is now on them. My son? He tells me that he calls his Dad only in the hope that he will do right by his sister. HE has always known that his Dad didn't favor him, but he loves his sister to bits and refuses to make things harder on her.

 

Their Dad will end up old and alone. I think that's sad. I wish it was different, but there is nothing more I can do.

 

OP... Really... think about having Dad read some of these replies.

post #26 of 26
Thread Starter 

UPDATE:  So I did back away from "nagging" to my husband to be more involved.  I told him that I was backing away, that he needed to be more involved.  I did purchase the typical birthday gifts, and I'm still doing my regular stuff.  I just don't say anything to him about it.  I told my SD's mom what I told my husband.  She said it was a good move.  I am still doing my typical.  My SD is texting me saying she got whatever and she loves it, whether she does or not.  She is a sweet girl.  My husband is trying more since he thinks I am not talking to any of them.  He is texting his daughter everyday.  He also told her he'd give her hints to one of our trips this summer if she talked to him for so many days in a row.  It's actually pretty funny.  Some days all she sends him is a picture of her sleeping saying that is what she wants to do.  Or a picture of her shoes saying that is what she is looking at.  Or a text saying I have nothing to say on this normal day but I love you.  So I think it is a start.  And I just hope she saves some of the ridiculous pics he is sending.  She says she is b/c they make her laugh.  But one day he will prob be what was I thinking with a picture of up his nose.  She thinks they are the funniest things ever.  They def have each other's humor.... Thanks for all your comments...

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