Well, it happened today. We broke up and he left. He still has stuff here...not sure how he'll get it but I'm thinking of just putting it all in our storage unit and he can get it there without coming into our actual apartment. I don't think I posted above at all that he was violent on a few occasions in the past few weeks. Today was really bad though. Luckily my son was at school when all of that happened, and my sister picked him up and took him back to her place for awhile while I cleaned up. He broke stuff, destroyed my laptop (I'm on my sister's now), the tv, some other stuff. Put holes in the walls. He threw me on the ground and kicked and choked me. All of this because I asked to use his phone. The violence continued from there. His brother called the police. I didn't press charges but I'm considering the restraining order the police officer said I had the option to get because I jump a mile every time the door to our building opens, even though he's about 20-30 minutes away and has no car. The guy he's staying with knows the story and I can't imagine would bring him back in his current state. I'm still very afraid of him though, especially around my son.
We talked online briefly and he said that he "knows" I'll have someone in my bed "by tonight" even though I've never done the casual sex/dating thing in my entire life. After doing some research I clearly have some codependency issues and I have absolutely no desire to date or sleep with anyone for a long, long time. I've actually never been single since my first relationship at 16...and here twelve years and three back to back relationships later (yeah, three relationships in 12 years, that doesn't qualify me as a person who sleeps around), it feels really weird. Things like sleeping alone and waking up without him next to me, I am really dreading. Thinking of him with someone else is, too. It is the person I fell in love with a few years ago that I am mourning the loss of. That person is not here anymore. Looking into his eyes while he hurt me, I could see that that person is gone.
I'm falling asleep at the table here and I just do not want to go to bed. I can't even put the broken tv on for background noise.