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I think my only major relationship as a single mom is going to end... - Page 2

post #21 of 29
Thread Starter 

Well, it happened today. We broke up and he left. He still has stuff here...not sure how he'll get it but I'm thinking of just putting it all in our storage unit and he can get it there without coming into our actual apartment. I don't think I posted above at all that he was violent on a few occasions in the past few weeks. Today was really bad though. Luckily my son was at school when all of that happened, and my sister picked him up and took him back to her place for awhile while I cleaned up. He broke stuff, destroyed my laptop (I'm on my sister's now), the tv, some other stuff. Put holes in the walls. He threw me on the ground and kicked and choked me. All of this because I asked to use his phone. The violence continued from there. His brother called the police. I didn't press charges but I'm considering the restraining order the police officer said I had the option to get because I jump a mile every time the door to our building opens, even though he's about 20-30 minutes away and has no car. The guy he's staying with knows the story and I can't imagine would bring him back in his current state. I'm still very afraid of him though, especially around my son.

 

We talked online briefly and he said that he "knows" I'll have someone in my bed "by tonight" even though I've never done the casual sex/dating thing in my entire life. After doing some research I clearly have some codependency issues and I have absolutely no desire to date or sleep with anyone for a long, long time. I've actually never been single since my first relationship at 16...and here twelve years and three back to back relationships later (yeah, three relationships in 12 years, that doesn't qualify me as a person who sleeps around), it feels really weird. Things like sleeping alone and waking up without him next to me, I am really dreading. Thinking of him with someone else is, too. It is the person I fell in love with a few years ago that I am mourning the loss of. That person is not here anymore. Looking into his eyes while he hurt me, I could see that that person is gone.

 

I'm falling asleep at the table here and I just do not want to go to bed. I can't even put the broken tv on for background noise.

 

post #22 of 29

I am so sorry that things got ugly with your ex. I know it's probably very hard to consider right now, but I think you should press charges. You have a good case, since it took police showing up to end it, and you have his brother as a witness. He might only get probation but it would be a good way to stand up for yourself and show that nobody gets to treat you this way. If a stranger showed up at your home and assaulted you and broke your belongings, you would press charges, why should it be any different because you know him?

 

I know how hard it is to mourn the loss of a person who you once knew that no longer exists, but the man he is now hurt you in a way that nobody gets to hurt you. Take control of your life and be an advocate for yourself and hold him accountable.

post #23 of 29

You need to press charges now. Get the restraining order now. He's bi-polar. If you wanting to use the phone sent him into a rage, what's next? And what if he does it with your son present or hurts your son in the process? He just destroyed a bunch of your stuff also. I'm sure you are justifying his actions and hoping maybe he will still come back but at this point he is a serious danger to you and your kid.

post #24 of 29
Thread Starter 

His brother wasn't there, just talked to him on the phone. He admitted to the police that he was the aggressor. My friend has a screen shot of him saying he was going to kill me if I didn't stop being a b----, so I'll be getting that to take with me to the police.

 

He of course is going nuts on the internet saying all sorts of things...oh well. He's alienating a ton of people by acting out this way.

 

post #25 of 29

I'm so sorry it came to that, but I'm glad you're taking steps to protect yourself. Please consider pressing charges. What he did to you was wrong, and against the law. There are consequences to hurting people.

Do you know about the cycle of abuse? If not, you should definitely read up on it. It basically goes tension-building --> abusive explosion --> remorse --> honeymoon phase. Before long he's going to be blowing up your phone, apologizing, begging for another chance, promising to change. It will be a lie, and I think you're strong enough not to fall for it.

post #26 of 29

I am so sorry.

post #27 of 29

I'm so sorry too and I agree about the restraining order. 

post #28 of 29
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with what other have said, press changes not only will it make you feel stronger, it will make him accountable for his actions and hopefully in future if there's another women he does this too her case wil be made strong because you stood up to him.

I've not been in an abusive relationship but I'm only 30 and me ten year relationship ended recently because he was cheating. Some thoughts that helped me:

* even though you feel like you love him, cutting him off physically and emotionally will make that love disappear ... And it really did, it's only been fourth months and I can say with 100% certainty I do not love him anymore and I will never ever want to be in a relationship with him. Also I can look at the relationship with complete clarity and aside from his infidelity there were a million little things that I will not put up with from a future partner.

* as awful as you feel right now, I know he can make you feel better because he is the one you have turned to for the last three years... Remember this: the pain you are feeling now was caused by him and him alone, cutting him out of your life will make that pain go away. Allowing you to deal with your own issues and make a better partnership with a better partner in the future

* your son (and my daughters) need a good role model. He is not a good role model for your son, and by putting up with his shit you are not a good role model for your son. I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh but one of the things that helped me feel better about leaving my ex was knowing that if my daughters were in my position it is what I would want them to do... So I model what I thought was the best behaviour

Right now you feel like you would give anything to have the old relationship back but in time you will look back and be glad that you got out when you did... I feel like that already and like I said it has only been four months. If I could go back in time and stop ex from meeting the girl he had an affair with I wouldnt, better to see his true colours now after ten years then after 20 or 25

I know I've talked a lot about myself but I'm so fresh out of a break up I can really feel your pain.

You are strong, mama, and you can deal with this
post #29 of 29

OH mama- I am so sorry. YOU deserve so much better than this and so do your kids. Thinking of you.

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