My mom grew up with a really abusive family and is bi-polar (manic depressive). So she can be very unstable and has a lot of triggers.
She had me young and her lack of stability and inconstancy regarding her affection for me and treatment of me has led to me feeling healthiest when I keep her at an arm's length. But I must say that SHE TRIED harder than anyone else i've ever met. And I appreciate that so much. She had no example of how to be a healthy parent. No resources or money.
When I became pregnant it was terrible financial timing. She said she would support us. I said I felt uncomfortable taking money because our relationship its not so good. She said since she was unable to take care of my needs growing up, she wanted to help me give my child a healthy happy childhood where I could be really present for her. I'm so very grateful for that!
The issue recently (this is typical) is that she had a bad reaction to meds. Additionally she has had a lot of stressful things in her life as of late. Because I said I didn't have time before nap to find a tape measure I tried to find this morning to get measurements for her to make baby clothes, she got really upset. She said I seemed inconvenienced by her doing things for me when I suggested that she use a stretchy fabric for pants. She started crying and saying she didn't feel loved by me and I always seem put out by her. But in our last conversation she thanked me for my support. Now she doesn't want a relationship because it hurts her too much. Though she isn't threatening removing her financial support.
This episode is mild in that she didn't get mean. Still I'm triggered because I've spent my whole life trying to prove to her I love her. But she believes if people don't do what she wants or say what she needs to hear as she needs to hear it
they don't love her. Often during an episode she calls me names, says horrible things to me, and says she wants me to "get the fuck out" of her life.
I have two concerns regarding my child. The first because my mom lives fast away is how her behavior affects me. It really upsets me. Even if I react calmly nothing gets to me like she does. I can really feel it on a physical level. I don't think that's healthy for my daughter. The other issue is their relationship. My mom is over the moon about her and would never INTENTIONALLY hurt her ever (at least I'm sure of this until her teen years). But when she's triggered I'm not sure she would careif my daughter witnessed her flip out. When my mom is stable she is fantastic and I don't want to prevent a potentially great relationship. But I feel the need to protect my daughter too. If my mom is stable it will generally won't change mid day so I wouldn't be worried about my mom losing control on an outing. I'm more concerned about having a scheduled date for them (for a day or a planned visit from out of state) having my mom show up in an obviously bad state, me having to cancel and her totally losing it in front of my daughter. Because with her you just never know when the hammer will fall.
I should add that my grandma was a horrible mom but a good grandma, so that is part of my struggle in figuring this out. And I don't think me being there to supervise will help because we just trigger each other and that won't lead to them having a good relationship our benefit my relationship with my mom.