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How involved is your DH/DP in this pg?

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 

And I guess the next question to that would be - is this your first or a subsequent? 

 

My DH is just not involved at all.  He doesn't ask me how I'm feeling - other than the other day when I was puking, he hasn't asked me that in weeks.  He doesn't initiate feeling the baby move.  He just seems completely uninterested in what is going on NOW.  I know that for many men it's not really "real" until the baby is actually born, but he is so at arm's length that sometimes I just want to throttle him.  Is this relatively "normal"?  Is this him being stressed?  Is this him being blase because it is our third time around the block?  It's really having an impact on my emotional state because I feel like the only thing he hears are complaints (and he tells me sometimes that's all he hears) - but realistically, I'm not going to just say "hey, feeling normal today", I'm going to be bitchy about being in pain, or I'll respond to questions about how I'm feeling (which he just doesn't ask).

 

And maybe I'm being bitchy even asking the question.  Or hormonal.  Or whatever.  Definitely feeling hormonal today, since I've eaten almost half a box of chocolates in the last 2 hours.  bag.gif

post #2 of 23

By my third it was definitely "same ol' same ol'." Even this one, as wanted and loved and as great of father as he is --- is kind of...eh. We've been through this before. I feel even more blase this  time LOL

 

I would probably take more offense if there were needs my dh wasn't meeting, but he is for the most part so.. maybe that is what the issue is?

post #3 of 23

This is our third too. DH is definitely quite blase about everything, but I am too, so I think he's just following me. I found it much harder in my first pregnancy when I wanted him to be so much more connected and he didn't really know how to be.

 

If I need something practical, like a nap or specific help with something, then I tell him and he always helps out. I don't really look for anything more emotional as I think I've accepted that he doesn't really get it and I think I may be disappointed. Luckily (so far) I haven't had many of those moments. Also, I know that when baby is born he'll really do his bit, so I try to just accept that.

 

Having said all that, if I do feel grouchy and tired, I sometimes have to remind him that I'm pregnant and that this is perfectly excusable, acceptable and normal behaviour on my part :)

post #4 of 23

Mami Feliz said it about right. It's the same in our house. This is our third, we're both pretty blase about it. He forgets sometimes that I'm pregnant and asks me to do weird things, and he never asks how I'm feeling or what baby is doing, I just tell him. I realize he's not as connected as I am, so I don't expect much of anything. When he does show an interest (asking how baby is, coming to feel my belly, etc) then I consider a perk not an expectation.

 

 

post #5 of 23

It's my first, and mine is pretty much like yours. I really have no issue with it, because if you look at my DH in normal life, he is ALWAYS like this.  He never gets too overly excited about anything really.  One of the things we always talk about is whenever we're gonna do something fun, I generally say "are you excited??" and he says something like "I guess" hahaha, and then I am like why aren't you excited??  It's just the way he is, and I have accepted that.  So I guess I don't expect much to change even when I am pregnant, and that's why it doesn't bother me.  When baby Deacon is kicking and moving a lot and we are together in bed or something, I will tell him and grab his hand and put it on my belly, and then after about a minute he takes it off, but he does get to feel it and thinks it's cool  So he doesn't initiate feeling the baby, either.

 

He also has never asked me how I am feeling.  I am very vocal about what is bothering me each day, so he doesn't really need to ask hahaha.  I am not a huge complainer, I am more of a "omg I blew my nose and my ligaments hurt, isn't that weird??" kind of complainer. 

 

He has told me twice now, after coming home from work, that he was thinking about it at work and he was excited about our baby.  So, he knows to tell me when he IS excited about something because I am always asking :P  So that is the most I have gotten from him, and it THRILLS me when he says that because I know it's true at that point and that is just as excited as he gets!

 

Is your Dh generally like this?  I know we always expect them to be super into the baby like the guys on a Baby Story (that's what he always compared himself to) but I just don't think that's normal for all guys.  If he is generally like this about other things, then this may just be his normal attitude.  Doesn't mean he doesn't care, just means he's a dude who doesn't show his feelings much. 

post #6 of 23

So glad to see this thread! DH is definitely not the excited type, lol. Not about ANYTHING. I have to say, when we found out I was pregnant with DS, we both cried, but that was after two years of trying and basically giving up. This time around, he was pretty nonchalant about the first miscarriage but cried with me during the second one. For this pregnancy he has openly admitted to me that it's very abstract for him and difficult for him to bond. I think part of it is that we are both so gaga in love with our son, and his daily needs are pretty immediate. DH is an awesome dad. Like the others mentioned here, he never asks how I'm feeling, never asks about the baby, never initiates feeling her move, etc. Reading this thread, I'm starting to think it's mostly guy thing, lol. Now I feel much better about it! I give him SUCH a hard time.

post #7 of 23

My DH is crazy about the baby. LOVES feeling him move, talks to my tummy, and is very involved in the pregnancy. That said, he ignores me sometimes. I'll get home from work and he'll kiss my belly and say "How's the baby doing?" and he'll nag me because I'm not giving the baby enough protein/water/whatever DH feels I'm deficient in. He will keep his hands on my belly for long periods of time but won't really touch me otherwise. I'm dying to have sex lol! But, he doesn't seem interested in that at all. My DH is a fantastic dad and husband love.gif and i should count myself lucky that he is so into the baby but I can't wait to get my body back so he'll be into me as well. 

post #8 of 23

I'm in a similar situation to Meredith, although this is my first. After our last ultrasound, when we really saw Oscar's face, there was no more chance of being intimate again until after the birth!

 

It took him a LONG time to start talking about the baby in general. I think he was nervous about it sticking and being real. But now he tells me that he loves me and he loves Oscar. It's the sweetest thing in the world!

 

He always asks how I'm feeling and what he can do for me, but that's just how he is. I can't wait to see him with the baby!

 

Now how he's going to do with the birth is a different story. I don't think he'll be there for much of it and he definitely doesn't want to cut the cord (my mom is going to instead). And that's cool with me.

post #9 of 23
I think it sounds normal, Cristeen. Maybe hard to live with...but normal.

This is our third baby and my sixth pregnancy. We lost three in between this baby and dd2. My dh is not all warm and squishy about things like feeling the baby moving and stuff like that. To the point that if i say come feel the baby move, he'll probably say "busy right now." I think he's talked to the baby/felt it move only three or four times. (OTOH - lots of sex over here so yay)
He hasn't been to a single one of my midwife appointments and I don't think he'll be going to any unless I end up doing an u/s or something. Whereas I feel like this pregnancy has been completely amazing and transforming for me, physically and spiritually, he hasn't really gone through any of that with me. Early on I as geeking out reading Birth Matters (Ina May) and Childbirth without Fear and he did sort of let on that he was not nearly as excited about all that stuff as me. smile.gif but I get that. And I don't feel like he's not meeting a need by not being all mystical and maternal with me. There are just some journeys on life that are solitary affairs.

Still, he is very attentive unless he's pre-occupied with his projects. He does ask me how I'm feeling from time to time, bugs me about taking my vitamins, resting, eating well, etc. But that is very much SOP for my dh since forever. He's very protective and he definitely looks out for all his girls (wife and daughters).

And I also should add - at the moment, my dh is self-employed (and unpaid :-( ) and he's at home with us. This has been our situation for over a year and it's proved to be a huge blessing for him and for our family because it gave us time to reconnect and heal from some really traumatic things that we went through over the last few years...I think if he were working for a company like the one he worked for before...there's no way he'd be as amazing and tuned in right now as he is. It feels like companies these days demand you sell your soul to them and speaking from experience, it can wreck havoc on family life. Especially when most people are so scared of losing their job and not being able to find another one that they wouldn't dream of sticking up for themselves. greensad.gif that's a heavy load for a guy to walk around with, especially when there are also issues at home. Sometimes they seem to just shut down as a means of "coping" with it all. Men just aren't as good at multi-tasking, especially emotionally. :-/

But. And there is a but. For us, there is definitely an understanding that if one of us has expectations for how the other needs to act/support etc, we have to say it. The paradigm for our marriage is that it's unfair to expect your spouse to meet needs that you're not being straightforward about having...so there have been times when I've said "I need you to support me right now in xyz way..." and for the most part, he'll follow through. I just had to learn after lots of pain and suffering ( :-) ) that he is a guy. He does not have powers of telepathy and while he might be more attentive than average, he still just doesn't get stuff sometimes. So I either have to help him understand, or get over it and adjust my expectations.
When I had dd2, I was really scared in the final weeks of pregnancy that he wasnt going to support me during labor because I'd already done it once and it was old hat. So I wrote out a list of things I wanted him to help me with in labor and then talked to him about my fears. Turns out they were massively unfounded and he was an amazing support during her birth...but he totally didn't get that I was walking around brooding about those fears until I just said outright - look, I'm afraid you're not going to be the support I need during this birth. Once we talked about it, he could see things from my perspective and was amazing when the day finally came. I'm a fan of just confronting the issue head on before it becomes a huge fight...you never know what's going on in their heads.
post #10 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by lightheartedmom View Post

But. And there is a but. For us, there is definitely an understanding that if one of us has expectations for how the other needs to act/support etc, we have to say it. The paradigm for our marriage is that it's unfair to expect your spouse to meet needs that you're not being straightforward about having...so there have been times when I've said "I need you to support me right now in xyz way..." and for the most part, he'll follow through. I just had to learn after lots of pain and suffering ( :-) ) that he is a guy. He does not have powers of telepathy and while he might be more attentive than average, he still just doesn't get stuff sometimes. So I either have to help him understand, or get over it and adjust my expectations.
When I had dd2, I was really scared in the final weeks of pregnancy that he wasnt going to support me during labor because I'd already done it once and it was old hat. So I wrote out a list of things I wanted him to help me with in labor and then talked to him about my fears. Turns out they were massively unfounded and he was an amazing support during her birth...but he totally didn't get that I was walking around brooding about those fears until I just said outright - look, I'm afraid you're not going to be the support I need during this birth. Once we talked about it, he could see things from my perspective and was amazing when the day finally came. I'm a fan of just confronting the issue head on before it becomes a huge fight...you never know what's going on in their heads.

Totally.  Especially the part about just saying so.  Not in a confrontational way at all, just in a "hey, this is what I need right now."  NOT...YOU have to provide it for me and you haven't been!  Just, I need your help working through this, and here's some ways that would be awesome.  Compromise and working through together. :)

 

Also, my dh calls those things that roll around my head stressing me out "pop up windows", like on a computer.  He knows there is no peace for me until we get them resolved, so every now and then he'll say, "This seems like a window...what do we need to do about it."  And, if I have some issue that is just taking up all my mental space, I'll tell him about my "window", and he'll help me deal with it because he knows "that's how women are" and we *can't* just "not think about it".  (Which is what he does.)

post #11 of 23

My husband isn't really involved or excited. But he does take care of whatever I need, including naps, extra pillows, drinks etc. if I ask him to. And he doesn't complain or stress me out about it.

 

I honestly thought he'd be more excited especially with this being his first baby.

post #12 of 23

my husband has been great, especially in the last few months, but it's also my first pregnancy and he's a generally sensitive person. he's probably more "maternal" than I am. 

 

having said that, I felt a bit hurt that he wasn't more attentive early on. I think he may have snapped at me a couple times (brain fog, can't remember clearly) when I mentioned his lack of interest in my pregnancy. we were also in a stressful period then - we moved twice in three months, lost a very dear animal companion, and he was commuting 2 hours each way to work. things did seem to shift once we had the anatomy scan at 21 weeks. that also coincided with the baby becoming a lot more active, which he's still pretty fascinated by. I'm going to miss him randomly rubbing my belly once the baby is born. I've also delegated a few baby-related tasks to him (like researching vaccines and sharing what he finds with me), and I think that makes him feel more involved. 

post #13 of 23

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one.  My partner sucks at being excited about pregnancy, and I have had to FORCE him to feel this baby move.  Plus every time he feels the baby move he says it freaks him out! eyesroll.gif How annoying.  Also when our midwife asks about how he feels about the baby, I always feel defensive of him, and ashamed that he isn't more into it.  Lightheartedmom- I am feeling fears similar to yours from your last pregnancy, about not being supported during the birth. I think I am going to steal your idea and write down what I want and need from him.  Last birth DP was lurking in the background, and I do NOT want that to happen again. 

post #14 of 23

I read this article eons ago, and I think some of you may find it very helpful given your circumstances. Its written by Michael Odent, and though it may not apply to everyone, I think it may bring peace to some of you :)

http://www.havingababytoday.com/articles/fatherpart.asp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://midwifemuse.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/michel-odent-and-fathers-at-the-birth/

a midwife and mothers response to the brief (truncated) article above...

 

 

 

 

anyways, do some research on the subject and maybe you can find an answer that helps you see why your dh might act the way he does. It may be a good thing.

post #15 of 23

SO has been pretty involved.  He comes to midwife appointments when he can.  And he seems fascinated by my changing body, in a sweet way.  :)  He doesn't ask how I'm feeling all the time, which would annoy me anyway.  But if I move and make a weird face or sound, he'll ask if I'm okay.  And I know he talks to his coworkers about the baby.  :)

post #16 of 23

my husband is excited but he's also really busy & stressed, so i've done most of the planning and put the nursery furniture together by myself. he thinks pregnancy is creepy and keeps saying he wishes i could lay an egg instead, hahaha i laugh so much it hurts ;) he says he would sit on the egg and help incubate it! like penguins.

post #17 of 23

haha, my husband likes to call my belly a "modified egg." I think it's sweet. he also talks about wishing he could help incubate.

post #18 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by maryamrose View Post

haha, my husband likes to call my belly a "modified egg." I think it's sweet. he also talks about wishing he could help incubate.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could trade back and forth, lol!

post #19 of 23

This is our fourth, and my hubby is actually more into this time than ever. I always wanted a big family; he married me knowing this, but we were so young I guess he wasn't really thinking about the implications :D He loves our kids, don't get me wrong, but I was always a little jealous of my sister-in-laws in this sense. The men in his family have this crazy baby fiend gene, but he didn't get it. My B-I-Ls were all over their wives bellies, being cute, being the one to want more kids, etc. Seriously, when our first niece was born, I would have to fight the youngest B-I-L to get a chance to holder. They love babies !

 After they both ended up divorced, it dawned on me...why in the world would I be jealous of that ( not in a mean way, clearly, just a "gosh why can't mine be like that way") ? I thought, at least with my hubby, if he was ever like that at all, I would know howmuch it really meant to him, bc he isn't like that all the time. So, I was trying to be content with having three kids, and I was completely grateful. I was just also working on being okay with not having anymore.

 Then VOILA...#4 took us by suprise, and I was sad because as much as I wanted more...I didn't want hubby to just be along for the ride again. Imagine my shock then when I show him the test and he says " Praise God, I've been hoping for this."

 While I was trying to be content with my three lovely darlings, he was having a change of heart about children :D

So he is way more into the pregnancy this time, and it is so, so dear to me. Just as wonderful as I'd imagined :)

My heart hurts for the ladies that don't have that. I understand how it feels because I have been there, but hopefully we can attirbute it to just being part of their nature, not about actual apathy about the pregnancy and baby.

post #20 of 23

When my DH goes gaga is after the baby is born. I just think he doesn't really understand or relate to pregnancy. After DS was born I'd never seen anything like the devotion my DH had towards him. I know he will be the same way with our daughter.

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