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Help! DD hit, kicked and scratched a kid at school!!!

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

My mom picked up my 4 yo DD from preschool today, and the teacher said that she'd had a bad day - that she'd hit, kicked and scratched some other kid over a toy she wanted (or didn't want to give up, or something).  I am horrified.  I haven't asked DD about it, beyond the general "how was your day" to which she replied "great".  How do I address this?  My mom said the teacher said she talked with DD about it.  I still feel like I need to address it with her, so she knows we all know what's going on.  If it matters at all, she's been doing these behaviors at home for a long while now, but hadn't so far at school.  On Monday when I picked her up from school, the teacher said, "gee, your DD turned four over the weekend, and she's all of a sudden ornery!"  And then told me about how DD wouldn't move out of the way when asked by another child, so that the other child could build some train tracks.  I should have known this was coming. 

post #2 of 6

I had one recent situation when ds pushed another child.

Me, dh (as well as his teacher) were shocked, as ds never hit someone, not even as a toddler, not even his sister.

 

What we did:

- I made sure I learned the whole truth from the school (we got a report sent home) and from ds. The report said ds was playing roughly. Ds confirmed that him and two other friends were playing "fight" and he was too rough.

 

- we assured the school we were fully cooperating and doing our best that this wouldn't happen again

 

- at home, we gave ds extra attention, hugs and reassurance that we weren't mad or disappointed. The message I wanted ds to get was that we are on his side, no matter what. Then we had lengthy discussions about how he thought the other kid felt, about how sad his mom was that he got hurt at school. I asked ds how he could make him feel better. Ds had the idea to make a drawing for his friend with the message: I'm sorry.

 

Honestly, in your situation I would be upset about the teacher's attitude.

I wouldn't punish the kid, you risk to shut down all communication with her.

I would make sure she knows she did something wrong and I would encourage her to take responsibility for it.

post #3 of 6

There are two things I don't understand here. I don't understand being "shocked" that a 7-year-old pushed someone. Is that really shocking? I mean, he didn't punch him in the nose, right? They were all play-fighting, and your son just took it a bit far. That doesn't really seem malicious.

 

I also don't understand the idea that you want your son to know that you are always on his side. To me, that implies that you would stand next to him, pushing the other kid too. 

 

Freaking out that a grade-school kid pushed another kid wouldn't make sense, but a simple, "You know that wasn't okay. What could you do to make him feel better?" makes more sense to me than reassuring him that you aren't mad. I don't think our kids are such shrinking violets that we can't be direct and clear with them without risking shutting down all communication. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by transylvania_mom View Post

I had one recent situation when ds pushed another child.

Me, dh (as well as his teacher) were shocked, as ds never hit someone, not even as a toddler, not even his sister.

 

What we did:

- I made sure I learned the whole truth from the school (we got a report sent home) and from ds. The report said ds was playing roughly. Ds confirmed that him and two other friends were playing "fight" and he was too rough.

 

- we assured the school we were fully cooperating and doing our best that this wouldn't happen again

 

- at home, we gave ds extra attention, hugs and reassurance that we weren't mad or disappointed. The message I wanted ds to get was that we are on his side, no matter what. Then we had lengthy discussions about how he thought the other kid felt, about how sad his mom was that he got hurt at school. I asked ds how he could make him feel better. Ds had the idea to make a drawing for his friend with the message: I'm sorry.

 

Honestly, in your situation I would be upset about the teacher's attitude.

I wouldn't punish the kid, you risk to shut down all communication with her.

I would make sure she knows she did something wrong and I would encourage her to take responsibility for it.



 

post #4 of 6
Thread Starter 
Please don't be so critical, kindchen. She is the only person who has put herself out there for my benefit. If you have any input on my problem I'd appreciate the help.

Well, we had the weekend to talk with DD about what happened and then on Monday I talked to her teacher. I had DD apologize to the little girl she hit. Mostly I did the talking and said, "we are sorry dd hit you. She got upset and forgot to use her words and she will do better next time" and dd piped up and said she was sorry. We still have to write a note to the teacher who she scratched while she was being held back from continuing to hit. She is there normally on different days than DD so the lead teacher suggested that instead of an in person apology.

I really really hope it doesn't happen again! We are working on it at home. She has a "calm down" basket and it seems to help.

Thanks for any further input.
post #5 of 6

OP, the reason why I said I wanted ds to know I was on his side is because your comment in the original post "I should have known this was coming" which implied you expected your dd's misbehavior. I think she needs you on her side.

 

And no worries about PP's post, obviously someone's having a bad day winky.gif

 

Glad to hear your dd is cooperating.

post #6 of 6
Thread Starter 

You're right, and I am on her side.  We have just had a "flare-up" of angry outbursts and hitting at home, so I'm not sure why I thought it wouldn't happen at school too.  Especially when the teacher told me she had noticed a difference in DD's behavior of late.  I guess I wondered if I should have warned them... as in, "hey, my DD is a hitter..." but I didn't because I thought then she'd be labeled that way or thought of negatively even if she never hit anyone there.  Like when I told them all we'd been having potty issues, and basically a regression back to not going anywhere but her pants, and she hasn't had one accident at school.  She manages to keep that together, I guess!  Funny kid. 

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