hi ladies, I am taking the opportunity to vent a little and get some stuff off my chest. I am unexpectedly pregnant with our third child. Our son will be four in June and our daughter two in august. when I got pregnant with DD I was still nursing DS full and even though I had always imagined myself to nurse him through the pregnancy and even tandem nurse them I suddenly was confronted with the fact that bfing DS while pregnant was excrutiatingly painful, made my skin crawl, my milk seemed to have dried up and I just felt I couldn't do it any longer. BFing had come to me so naturally, I always had plenty of milk and no problems whatsoever. Also DS and I had had a very symbiotic relationship until that moment and it pained me to wean him but at the same time I felt like it was the only option. I weaned him when he was 18mo and it certainly wasn't easy for him.
Now I'm in exactly the same spot again. BFing has become a torment but I don't want to take it away from DD and also from myself that quickly again. I just had a good cry on DH's shoulder. In a way I feel like I am stronger this time around (which is almost paradox, because in another way I also feel drained and would have loved a little breather and some time where my body belonged only to myself) and I want to try cutting down slowly, maybe even maintaining, I don't know, 5 nursing sessions throughout the day and night. 5 would be totally fine, i guess. It would still be a big drop from nursing on demand. But I just don't feel ready to fully wean her yet, and I am certain she doesn't either.
When I just talked to DH about it I realised how sad it made me to think of having to 'let go' of my DD because there is a new baby on the way. I guess I am still in the process of accepting the fact that there will be another baby. Another beautiful, wonderful, special little person, completing our family...
When DD was born, well, we had a really difficult HBAC. I am glad and greatful that I got to have her at home but it was a traumatic experience none the less. And - even though this may sound weird - I felt a terrible loss of my son. We had always been so close and suddenly I felt like I hardly saw him anymore, because I always had to take care of DD, hold her, nurse her, change her, carry her. I enjoyed all this aswell, but I also felt incredibly lonely and missed my son.
We have gotten closer again through time. And he has grown and our relationship has matured onto another level, I guess.
But now I have this strange fear that I won't have enough time and attention and love to devide between the three of them. The thought is certainly a little overwhelming, and don'T get me wrong, I am not freaked out about one more person adding to the pile of laundry, the everyday chaos or even juggling the basic necessities with three children. My fear concerns the question: how am I going to split myself in three? How am I going to hug them all at the same time, meet their needs, be there for their emotional vulnerabilities, hold them so they can fall asleep... will my love be enough for all three of them (and DH, while we're at it)?
I don't really want any answers, because I know them myself . I just wanted to share and see if anyone here can relate.