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Hello!

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 

Hi!  As someone parenting with an asperger's partner, I thought it would be nice to have a place to connect with others in the same situation.  While there are many challenges to having a partner with AS, I think that there are many unique gifts that come with it too.    

 

I've been friends with my DH for 20 years, married for 10, and he was diagnosed with AS 2 years ago.  It has been so helpful to know that our many challenges had a source and neither of us was to blame for the communication breakdowns.  We are just at the beginning of this journey but now we are finding new ways of making things work.  It is an ongoing process, but I have new appreciation and gratitude for DH now that I understand how challenging life can be for him.  We have a 4 yo DD and another on the way in June.

 

 

post #2 of 24

Aloha!

My husband also has AS and it is so nice to know I can now connect to other parents with partners that have AS. I've been with my husband for 12 years and we only just discovered four years ago that he had AS and then had it confirmed last year. I agree, it is wonderful knowing. All of the things that used to upset both of us before are no longer issues. I don't think we've had a fight since we found out! I love knowing that he's normal (in his own way) and not doing what he does on purpose. It has helped our relationship so much.

 

Parenting is super different for us. I did a lot of crying when friends would berate my choice of husband and any time DH and I were having a problem, their answer was always "you don't deserve that, you should divorce him" like that was the answer. Such a relief to know there are others out there that actually understand! My husband is a great guy and perfect for me. He may not be the best dad in the world and he may not be like other dads, but in his own way, he is an AWESOME dad and does try and has found ways to be his own kind of special father to our kids.

 

post #3 of 24
Thread Starter 

Thanks for joining in!  I love to hear positive stories about AS partnerships working well.  It is interesting that you are in Hawaii.  My DH wants so much to live by the ocean.  Warmer, watery places really helps to mellow him out.  I think he would really thrive someplace tropical.

 

I think that, although it is tougher in a lot of ways to have an AS partner, there are a lot of benefits too.  It is hard, though, when those around you don't understand.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to have friends telling you to leave.  I'm lucky that I haven't had anyone be that direct, but they often don't really get it.  And, really, I don't share with most of my friends the ups and downs of my marriage for that reason.  But it gets lonely not being able to process my feelings.  DH doesn't want others to know he was diagnosed, so it makes it hard to explain when people question our relationship or his behavior.  But my family and close friends know and that has helped a lot.  

 

I love to see DH with our daughter.  He is not your typical dad and often relates to her not at her level (either as if she is way older or still much younger).  But she adores him and they have a very close relationship.  Still, I have been the number 1 parent and most everything is on my shoulders.  Although he doesn't like the label, if we didn't have the perspective of aspergers to understand things through, I don't know how we would be able to make it work.  

 

How are things different for you with parenting?

 

 

post #4 of 24

We have some of the same issues here. My daughter is 4 and my husband has always expected things of her as if she were far older than she actually is. Fortunately, she is oddly mature for her age, so it has worked out fine.

 

My husband does not like children. This isn't to say that he dislikes them, he just isn't interested. Children weren't ever something he "wanted" just something in his mind that "just happened," like it's part of life, like going to college, getting married, buying a car, etc. Like it wasn't a blessing to hope for, just another life event that happens in a certain order on your way through life. I, on the other hand, obsessively wanted children and hounded my husband about it for years until he finally caved and we actually started trying. I get a lot of negativity from friends for that because he didn't particularly want kids, but I see it differently. He didn't want kids, but he loved me so much that he wanted ME to have them. I see my children as a gift from him almost and I love him every day for it.

 

Another way he is different is actually sort of part of the above. He's terrified of babies and has never wanted to hold ours. They cry. He doesn't understand the crying and he doesn't know how to make it stop. It really freaks him out and if they make so much as a happy coo, he hurriedly hands the baby back to me. He would prefer I put the baby down somewhere if I have to do something rather than have him hold the baby. When *I* hold the baby, I can see pride in his face. I can see that he is proud of his wife as she holds and nurses his children and he shows off pictures of us to people he knows, he just won't touch babies. Once they get older and are completely verbal and less breakable, he's better with them.

 

Like you, I have had to be the #1 parent. My husband doesn't have empathy so he can't deal with things like crying ("stop that right now!") or discipline. He was spanked, so all he knows is to spank which, of course, I won't allow him to do. Now that we know he has AS, I've been able to help him learn other methods of dealing with emotional issues, but he still has a lot of trouble and we both agree that the best thing for him to do instead of losing it is to just hand discipline duties over to me.

 

That puts me in the position of top caregiver and with NO family here and no one to help me, I have not only been the head caregiver, but the ONLY caregiver. My children are always with me. I don't get "me" time like other moms. I'm always the one with them. I have been away from my 4yo three times: once my husband took her to a bouncy castle park while I went to a 2 hour midwives symposium, once when I had to go to the ophthalmologist and he took her to the park, and once when his parents flew out to visit and took her to the zoo for a couple of hours. It was totally bizarre to have alone time.

 

But, like I said, he's a great dad in his own way. You can see he loves kids kids and he really tries to make them happy. He plays with our daughter, but he's not good at pretend. They like to put things together. They build these incredibly intricate inverted pyramids with blocks (I have NO idea how DH does that!) and he bought her a marble run that they play with. He's the type to get her construction sets and then sit and build some amazing thing with it. He also will bring home surprises for her from time to time. It's not the "buying their love" type of present, just the type that lets her know that he was thinking of her - like flowers on her birthday this week on his way home from work. Sometimes it's something totally random but fun like glow sticks or silly string. He will spend time with her because he knows that quality time is valuable to kids, even though he doesn't really want to spend time with her. You can see how uncomfortable he is. It's the fact that he does it anyway, completely of his own volition, that shows how much he cares about doing what's best for her and what will make his family happy.

 

He loves us, just can't show it in a lot of ways, but he does have his own ways in which I can see he's making an effort.

post #5 of 24
Thread Starter 

Wow, that sounds so much like our family! Our dd is 4 too.  DH is not a child person and the crying can really be hard for him.  We are expecting #2 this summer.  I think it will be a very different experience now that we have the diagnosis.  Now I will not expect (or try to force) him to bond with the baby.  We didn't know until DD was 2 y.o., so I spend the first few years really frustrated and confused.  I thought somehow the "dad" instinct would just kick in!

 

Like your DH, mine also does mostly putting things together and figuring things out with DD.  The imaginative stuff is hard for him, but he does try in his own way.  There are times, though, that he doesn't understand that DD is in her imagination and he takes her so literally.  And tonight she was trying to hide from him under her covers at bedtime.  He is tired and had a stressful day and was getting frustrated.  I finally said, she is trying to play with you.  He said, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do".  Before I would take that remark as sarcastic or angry.  Tonight I heard it for what it was and told him exactly what to do... say, "where are you?  I can't see you!"  then turn the cover down and act surprised.  Thats all it took.  He wasn't really angry, just short circuited and frustrated because he couldn't figure it out.  It seemed so simple to me, but to him it wasn't obvious. 

 

One thing that I do have is my parents living close by.  That is a godsend.  I can't imagine doing this on my own.  I just can't.  With their help, I get breaks and time to myself.  It must be so hard to do this without help!  They would get frustrated seeing him not be so involved or helping me out.  But once they came to understand more about AS, they are getting it and are happy to offer another set of hands.  I couldn't do it without them.   I hope you are able to find little ways for self-care in the midst of all of that since you don't have help!  That must be really hard.  It is hard enough with the help I do have, I can only imagine what it would be like without getting time to yourself.  

post #6 of 24

I have found little ways to do special things for myself. Taking walks outside and going to the beach or park are nice because my daughter does her own thing and I can kind of pretend I'm alone. I pretend that breastfeeding is "me" time and not really "baby" time. It's my chance to sit down and read a book in relative peace, so it's more seeing the silver lining than actually getting time alone. I also have a hobby: creating and trading ATCs (artist trading cards). I'm a member of a couple of groups online. I create small artworks, mostly drawings and sketches, on blank 2.5 x 3.5" trading cards in my spare minutes, usually when both kids are asleep in the evening. I post them online and people that like them offer to trade and we mail cards to each other. It's a lot of fun and very relaxing getting to make art, plus the art is tiny, so it's not some huge project I'll never finish. I can make one in an hour or two. I have a tidy little collection now from all over the world that I can leave to my kids someday.

 

ETA: Oh, I'm also a member of a homeschooling group. We meet once a week and all the kids play together and us mamas get social time. That's about three hours every week or so. Also nice.

post #7 of 24
Thread Starter 

Wow, I see that you have a brand new baby!  Congratulations!  

 

We have our second coming in June (and our dd is also 4).  How is that going?  My DH is also not a kid person, so adding #2 is a big deal.  He essentially agreed because he knows that mothering is so important to me.  But in the fall, after ttc for a while, I decided that it really wasn't fair to DH to add another child into the mix.  We have been finding our groove as a three-some and I really made peace with the idea that was probably the best place to stay.  Then, I discovered that we were expecting.  At least we know much more now then we did when DD was born.  I won't be expecting DH to help a whole lot, especially with a crying baby.  I think having a different understanding of the way his brain functions will really help us (me, really) cope better than we did with #1, but I'm still nervous.  

post #8 of 24

DH originally said "no more kids" but ended up caving to me and saying we could have another one. What neither of us knew was that the day he said we wouldn't try, but that we could stop using protection and see what happened, was that I was already pregnant. Ooops! :) It was a lucky "oops" baby. I was already a week along at that time. I had ovulated a week early and it just happened before the decision was made so I'd have ended up with a baby even if he said no.

 

It's going really well. I thought it would be hard. My first baby was horrible. Well, she wasn't horrible, but she was incredibly difficult and high-needs, so being alone with her all the time was what was horrible, I guess. It was really hard. I've seen few babies that were like her. I was never able to put her down. Ever. LITERALLY. I had to hold her all the time and she only wanted me, so I couldn't just hand her to someone else to hold. They didn't smell like Mama which would wake her up instantly and she'd just start screaming to the point where she couldn't breathe anymore and would turn purple. We couldn't leave the house for almost a year because I couldn't get her in a car seat. It was HORRIBLE.

 

So I was really terrified with this baby coming. I thought he might have the same personality since their birthdays are 3 days apart - if you believe the whole astrology thing. As it turns out, he's the polar opposite of my daughter. He sleeps for hours at a time, doesn't comfort nurse, only for food and doesn't cry. He's the best nurser I've ever seen (and I go to regular LLL meetings, so I see lots of nursing) and has no issues at all. I can put him down if I have to and he just lays there and stares happily around until he gets hungry again. It's almost like I don't have a baby at all. I even get a nice, long, luxurious shower every morning when he passes out after his first feeding.

 

My daughter has been a huge help and she is head-over-heels in love with her baby brother. I nearly have to beat her back off of him with a stick all day long, she just won't stop kissing and petting him. She helps me a lot by getting things I need like diapers and supplies from the other room. We have a family bed and DH does not like to be touched, so I wasn't sure how I was going to get all of us in bed without our daughter being next to him and kicking him all night. I solved that problem by picking up an overstuffed body pillow and putting it between her and DH. Now everyone's happy. It's baby boy in a sidecarred crib, me, DD, then DH on the other side. Works great!

 

If DH isn't great at helping with the baby, at least you know he's able at this point to help out with DD, right? I mean, he can get her things to eat from the fridge, etc. My husband has taken over doing some things for our daughter if I'm busy with the baby (which isn't often).

 

I wish you an easy, chillaxed baby who never cries, sleeps all day and loves long rides in the car seat. :)

post #9 of 24
Thread Starter 

That is great!  I'm telling this baby that it will have to be chill too.  DD was similar to yours, but perhaps not as extreme.  She just wouldn't have anyone but me and getting outside help was horrible.  DH just wanted us to get babysitters because he knew he couldn't handle a crying baby and he REALLY couldn't handle his crying wife.  Even now, she is super clingy.  Attachment parenting works, is what DH says... she is attached!!!  I just know that this baby has to be different if we are going to survive. 

 

I'm amazed that you all can co-sleep together!  It is hard enough for DH to sleep with just me in a big king sized bed.  He has horrible insomnia, which makes him even more stressed and cranky. When DD was born we started sleeping separately so I could co-sleep with her and have never gone back.  He now has his own bed in his own room.  It is kind of sad because I really need the physical connection and with his touch sensitivity there isn't much of it during the day.  It is one of those things that I think the outside world would look at and think was kind of weird to not share a bed with your spouse.  But, it is one more example of how we adapt our family to meet everyone's needs.  

post #10 of 24

My grandma also thinks it's funny that my husband won't let me touch him. :) We don't sleep in separate beds, but we have separate blankets and I'm not allowed within breathing distance - meaning I can't be close enough that he can feel my breath on him.

 

Yeah, the touch issue was hard for me for a long time, but having a baby solved it. I got all of my physical and closeness affection needs met and even get "touched out" sometimes so I don't even WANT DH touching me some days, not that he would.

 

Have you ever asked your DH for touch? I've found that I can tell my husband that I really need it and he'll suffer it. If I'm having a horrible day, I'll go into his office and tell him flat-out that I *really* need to be held. He'll sigh like I'm asking him to mow the yard or something (LOL!) and then he'll hold me for a while while he watches The Daily Show or someting. Sweet that he does it, even though he doesn't like it and it does help some - like how he sometimes plays with DD even though he doesn't want to because he knows she needs it.

post #11 of 24
Thread Starter 

Oh my gosh!  Yes, having a baby solved so much of the touch issue for me.  I get lots of snuggles and hugs and kisses and don't have to look to DH for it as much.  I've even worried a bit that I go over board in touch with my dd because I crave it so much myself.  Luckily she is a very touchy child, so she doesn't seem to mind.  And I'm sure that with #2 coming along, I will soon be needing a lot less touch and  more physical space to myself.  

 

But there are still times that I want adult nurturing touch.  Early in our marriage we read "the 5 Love Languages".  This was long before we knew that AS played a role in things, but it gave us a common language and understanding of each other.  Physical touch is #1 for me, but (of course) the very lowest for DH.  But it helped put the whole thing in a context that was non-threatening to him (like he isn't a failure because he doesn't touch enough, it just isn't his love language).  When he is in a non-stressed place (granted that isn't often) he can be very loving and hug me and *may* even just put his hand on my back for a moment in passing.  Since we don't share a bed, I often have to ask him to come lay down with me and hold me for 5 minutes before bed.  And he will usually do it.  There is something that is still so sad for me about having to ask for it and not having it be something natural.  The trouble is that it seems like such a chore for him and his touch can often feel mechanical and disconnected.  But he really does try aven though it is awkward for him.

 

I have to say that this is one of the biggest things about having the AS diagnosis for me.  I now see his attempts to meet my needs in a whole new way.  Before I would get so frustrated that he wasn't there for me in the way I needed and his attempts seemed so off the mark.  But now I understand just how much more it means that he tries in his own way.  I try to focus on his attempt and thought rather than the results.  So, even if the touch isn't as warm as I like, I know that the fact that he is trying to do something that is so hard for him means so much more. 

post #12 of 24

I'm not sure if this is too private to put here (probably not since we are all adults) and I apologize if it's TMI, but one thing that has really helped me feel loved in the touch department is to lay on my belly on the bed (when not pregnant, obviously) and have DH sit behind me on the back of my legs and have him give me a nice long back massage while having intercourse in that position. Getting a massage is non-intimate enough for DH to be really willing to do it, plus he gets something nice out of it as well. :) Being massaged is the ultimate in touch-sensation for me. One massage can make me a happy camper for weeks!

post #13 of 24
Thread Starter 

Yes, getting some good touch and intimate time can also keep me happy for weeks!  It doesn't take much, but I do need something.  I've tried to point out how grumpy I can get if I don't feel connected physically; and how happy I can be for days, when I do feel connected.  It hasn't really registered for him yet, though.  Luckily DH doesn't mind giving back rubs when I ask.  He has a lot of neck and shoulder pain and needs me to massage him occasionally.  And, if I ask, he will do the same for me.  But I find the quality of his touch to be a bit mechanical, so it is a mixed bag.  I'm so sensitive to how a touch feels.  But it is still better than nothing.  DH also has a hard time even kissing me on the lips.  I think it is something about the wetness of it all.  He doesn't like wet.  It makes sex not his most favorite activity either.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a more passionate partner.  But it is a trade off... there are many things that I just don't have to worry about (like him having an affair) and I know that he loves me very much from all of the other ways he can show it.  It is one of the big areas that understanding AS has made a big difference. Before I couldn't figure out why he didn't want to touch or make love.  It was really frustrating.  But now I have a better understanding.  It is still hard at times, but much better than before. 

post #14 of 24

Did I write that post?!

 

Sounds just like DH. He doesn't like kissing and he's definitely not into sex very often. He does like it, but it's not his favorite activity. He'd much rather put a new cooling system in his computer. eyesroll.gif He massages me as if to say "you told me to rub your back and my hands are on your back and I am rubbing. Isn't that good enough?" LOL! But he tries. Like yours, DH would NEVER EVER cheat on me. I had one other serious relationship and was engaged to the guy off and on for five years. He cheated on me with everybody and the kitchen sink. I was never able to trust anyone again after that until I met my husband. It is hugely important to me that I'm able to trust him, so in that way I wouldn't ever have another passionate partner again, even if I wasn't with my husband. I wouldn't be able to trust someone with a lot of charisma in the romance department.

 

Before DH, I had had 7 other guys. Sheepish.gif So I definitely have had passionate sex. On one hand, yeah, it's really amazingly great and sometimes hard to live without, but on the other hand, I would rather have a husband that I can trust, hands down, no exceptions. I don't think DH is even capable of lying let alone being unfaithful.That gives me a feeling of security that I have never felt with anyone else and I have to say that having that feeling is way better than passionate sex. Definitely worth the trade IMO. Plus, DH is capable of really really fun sex, even if there's no romance in it so it's not like sex is as mechanical as the massages I get.

 

Plus, his AS makes him super adorably cute. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe because he seems more innocent in a lot of ways? It drives me bananas. Twelve years with the guy and I'm still head-over-heels in love with him so he must be doing something right!

 

ETA: This is kind of weird, but I actually *have* had somewhat passionate sex with DH earlier in our relationship. He used to drink when we'd go out together on the weekends and if he got a little bit drunk, it was amazing. I don't know what it did to him exactly, but he would stare at me and say things like "dang, you are so gorgeous! I love you so much." I'd just stand and stare at him like he was crazy. DH does NOT profess his love for me. Or call me beautiful. Or outwardly make it seem like he's the least bit interested in me in any way. He doesn't drink anymore, though and I've never had alcohol at all, really.

 

Maybe I should get him drunk again sometime. thumbsup.gif

post #15 of 24
Thread Starter 

I agree!  The deep trust and faithfulness that comes with AS is really worth the trade-off.  I just love that I don't have to worry about it.  And sex is actually good too.  Nothing too wild, of course, but really better than I've had with others.  Maybe that comes from the deep feeling of trust?  It is also why it can be frustrating to not get more of it.  I used to wonder if DH might be gay since he is so sensitive, a bit feminine in a way, NEVER seemed to look at other women, and didn't seem that interested in me either.  Through the AS lens, it all makes sense now.  

 

We also had much more passionate sex earlier in our relationship.  I guess that wears off in most relationships anyways, AS or not.   

 

I wish that it was more frequent.  But having children sure has helped stem the urgency for me.  Between not getting enough sleep and having a little person wanting to touch me all the time, I'm not as desperate as I used to be.   

 

Still, it would be nice to have time with him more often.  We often go months without it.  I feel really sad about that, knowing this is the reality of my married life. I've been trying to initiate more recently since I know it will really go away with the new baby.  But DH has a hard time psychologically making love in late pregnancy.  I've told him that he just needs to close his eyes, think of something else, and do his husbandly duty.  lol.gif

post #16 of 24

Hi, I'm married to a man with undiagnosed AS. We each have 2 older children from previous marriages, and we have an autistic 4 year old boy together. It was after our son was diagnosed and I started doing a lot of reading about autism that I finally realized what was going on with my husband. Before that, I was beginning to think he was a sociopath, because he knows exactly how to act, how to fake the appropriate emotions in any situation, but he doesn't seem to actually experience the emotions. He has very strange reactions and ideas.

 

It would take me pages to tell you about our relationship up to this point. LOL. Maybe I'll try to summarize it soon. Right now I have to get our son ready for preschool.

 

I'm so happy to find this group! I've felt so alone, because nobody I know understands what I'm going through, or the challenges of being married to someone with AS, or trying to parent with them.

post #17 of 24
Thread Starter 

Welcome Lasnow!  So glad you found us!  It can be really lonely.  Most people seem to have a hard time really understanding what it is like.  From the outside it can seem like our relationships are dysfunctional and one-sided.  And most people see them through the lens of a neuro-typical relationship.   I've found that things got more challenging once we had children.  Once we figured the AS piece out, it has really helped me see things differently.  I'm much more gentle on DH and on myself.  There are some wonderful aspects to the relationship and our aspie DHs too.   I am really glad to have somewhere to share that part of things too.

 

I'd love to hear more when you have a chance to share.  Glad you found us!

post #18 of 24

I could have written most of these posts here! I cant believe this is a group here ! I have been with my husband since I was 17, 9 years now. I always knew he was quirky, but I thought, ohhhh Its sooo cute lol. It wasnt until my now 5 year old was going through some tests for aspergers that I was like, Ummm Hunny? I think you have this too! And he agrees, it makes it MUCH easier to deal with the quirkiness that is sometimes hard to deal with now that we have 4 kids. 

 

I am lucky that I am my husbands special interest. I know he would never cheat, in a million years, he can not lie and will not, he is extremely moral, he is 30 and have never smoked a cigarette or drank alcohal. He is pretty OCD about things, but its funny because weve always called ourselves Dharma and Greg. I am free spirit, no limits, fly by the seat of my pants and he wont spend a dollar on anything, likes plans, very responsible lol. My family is a little hillbilly, his is a little snuffy :D We have a great relationship, never fight, although to my shame I do get annoyed easily sometimes and I have to work on that and realize it isnt his fault. 

 

Just thinking of something my husband has done that is sooooo out there...

 

My twins were probably about 7 months old when my husband watched them while I ran some errands one day. I came home, and saw this gel type stuff all over the carpet (diaper explosion). So I ask him, what is that? He says "OH one of the kids diapers ripped open and ICE came out of it. I figured I would just leave it and it will melt". Ok, LOGIC tells us ICE should NOT be coming out of diapers lol. My poor DH lacks common sense. He is extremely book smart, but common sense is like, way gone. 

 

Anyways, my dh is a twin and his brother I believe 100 percent is aspergers, and his 8 year old also. They deny it but even the school wanted him tested and I knew when he was very young he had some signs. My son is not vaxed, so I think this really runs in the family. I have 4 kids and only 1 is aspergers. Its an interesting life. People dont get it and they think your a bad parent when your 3-4 year old is breaking down or wont talk to adults when addressed. 

 

My husband would physically touch me 24-7 if I let him. But I am his special interest, so he wants to be with me ALLLLLL the time. He was not hugged or kissed or said I love you to anyone since he was 6 until I met him by his family. Now I cant get him to stop :p Whats interesting is he is studying to be a pastor, so he is really having to overcome a lot of quirks such as eye contact and speaking in front of people (which he actually went to college for tv/radio so its helping him now). 

 

 

post #19 of 24
Thread Starter 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovemy3babies View Post

I could have written most of these posts here! I cant believe this is a group here ! I have been with my husband since I was 17, 9 years now. I always knew he was quirky, but I thought, ohhhh Its sooo cute lol. It wasnt until my now 5 year old was going through some tests for aspergers that I was like, Ummm Hunny? I think you have this too! And he agrees, it makes it MUCH easier to deal with the quirkiness that is sometimes hard to deal with now that we have 4 kids. 

 

I am lucky that I am my husbands special interest. I know he would never cheat, in a million years, he can not lie and will not, he is extremely moral, he is 30 and have never smoked a cigarette or drank alcohal. He is pretty OCD about things, but its funny because weve always called ourselves Dharma and Greg. I am free spirit, no limits, fly by the seat of my pants and he wont spend a dollar on anything, likes plans, very responsible lol. My family is a little hillbilly, his is a little snuffy :D We have a great relationship, never fight, although to my shame I do get annoyed easily sometimes and I have to work on that and realize it isnt his fault. 

 

Just thinking of something my husband has done that is sooooo out there...

 

My twins were probably about 7 months old when my husband watched them while I ran some errands one day. I came home, and saw this gel type stuff all over the carpet (diaper explosion). So I ask him, what is that? He says "OH one of the kids diapers ripped open and ICE came out of it. I figured I would just leave it and it will melt". Ok, LOGIC tells us ICE should NOT be coming out of diapers lol. My poor DH lacks common sense. He is extremely book smart, but common sense is like, way gone. 

 

Anyways, my dh is a twin and his brother I believe 100 percent is aspergers, and his 8 year old also. They deny it but even the school wanted him tested and I knew when he was very young he had some signs. My son is not vaxed, so I think this really runs in the family. I have 4 kids and only 1 is aspergers. Its an interesting life. People dont get it and they think your a bad parent when your 3-4 year old is breaking down or wont talk to adults when addressed. 

 

My husband would physically touch me 24-7 if I let him. But I am his special interest, so he wants to be with me ALLLLLL the time. He was not hugged or kissed or said I love you to anyone since he was 6 until I met him by his family. Now I cant get him to stop :p Whats interesting is he is studying to be a pastor, so he is really having to overcome a lot of quirks such as eye contact and speaking in front of people (which he actually went to college for tv/radio so its helping him now). 

 

 

 

Welcome!  Glad you found us.  It is so wonderful and validating to hear from others with AS partners too.  

 

I have to say, I can't imagine what it must like to be the special interest of an aspie. One of the things that I do like about my DH is that I end up having a lot of freedom and time to myself, though.  Sometimes it is much more than I want, but I realize I would probably be claustrophobic in a typical relationship too.  But being the special interest could really be fun!

 

My DH isn't a pastor but he does have a lot of social interaction as a public speaker and teacher.  It is so draining for him.  But he is also wonderful at it... really amazing, actually.  But if he is under stress, he can really become short with people, so it has its down side too.  My role has been to be the in-between a lot of the time and temper him when he has reached his limit.  My father was a pastor and I can only imagine what that would be like for an aspie.  Does your DH want to eventually paster a church, or does he have other ideas about how he would use his studies?

 

The diaper ice story is so funny!  I did have to laugh a bit also when you mentioned your DH needing to work on things like eye contact.  It reminded me of my DH who has been "teaching" our 4 year old DD (who is not AS) about how to greet people.  He breaks it down into 1) make eye contact 2) shake hands  3) say, "hello, how are you" and 4) raising the eyebrows.  Now, I've never even noticed that people tend to raise the eyebrows when greeting someone.  It is just something that most of us just do unconsciously.  But DH really *thinks* about these things!  I never realized the level of detail he has to pay attention to social cues until he started doing this with DD.  I find it funny that he thinks that she needs to be taught the steps for what is second nature for the rest of us.  

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That is sooo interesting! I didnt realize that either. That is my husband though, he always pays such close attention to details because he HAS to in order to do it right. Things we just take for granted! 

 

My husband is hoping to be a Pastor of a church. He teaches sunday school, preaches at the nursing home we go to on thursdays and preaches at our church on the days when my pastor is gone or sick and sometimes just because lol. He says he is still scared everytime he does it lol. But I dont think you can tell, because he is an over achiever so he is always very very well prepared and studied. He studies A LOT. 

 

Being the special interest of an aspie can be .... challenging. Its kinda crazy really. LIke, I think, I cant imagine someone loving another person as much as my husband loves me. He has this love for me that goes beyond normal love. And I do love it because I am a very insecure person, but at times it is hard. I am a  more leave me alone, not wanting to be touched kinda person. But even though I want the attention, at the same time I dont, and as I am sure you know, someone with aspergers needs a CLEAR MESSAGE, not hints or signs. You need to spell it out. I cant hint around, he doesnt get it. It used to upset me before I knew what this was, now its soo much easier to deal with because he cant help it. 

 

With the kids he is pretty good. I would say he has a little less empathy then I do, and maybe expects a little more out of them, but over all he is pretty good. He isnt athletic or into anything really. Before me it was video games, but alas, that has passed :D Although now, if I am just really not wanting to be touched or am gone, he turns to video games to keep his mind occupied until I am there lol.