dating people and the kids knowing

[Myethpio]

I would like to know what the single/divorced mommas out there think about g.f. and b.f.'s and your young kids.

I've been seeing someone for about 5 months now, and my ex-husband has been with a g.f. about 10 months now...

at what point do you think it is ok for the kids to know about another relationship?

I'm not so concerned about myself, but more about my ex. He is living with his g.f. and wants to be able to bring the kids over to his place and she be around. I have not allowed overnights for this reason. Doesn't this sound reasonable? I don't want my kdis to be confused... sooner or later I know they will need to adjust but they seem so young and unable to understand everything that is going on... plus the whole attachment to someone who may not work out is a concern as well...?

both of us are very careful around them and do not show any sort of affection and such to the person whom we are seeing in front of the kids... but for how long? Do you wait until the kids are a certain age? Or until the relaltionship is at some more serious point?
I'm just curious as to how others have done it with people they have started seeing and such... all stories are welcome!!

PS. my girls are (almost) 5 and the other one is 1.5 yrs old :P

[karen ann]

I have been apart from my ex-husband since Feb. 03. We signed our divorce papers in Oct. 03.

I haven't begun dating yet so I am not sure how I am going to introduce DS to someone I am in a relationship with. But I believe it's not in DS's best interest to have a "new man" involved in his life unless it's someone who will be in the picture long term (someone I could consider a potential husband or life partner, contingent on how things go with DS & new guy). My DS is only 3, so the concept of dating is unfamiliar to him. I think when I start dating again (not for a while), I won't go into too much detail. But when he's older (probably late elementary age I'm guessing, but it will depend a lot on HIM) I will probably let him know if I'm going on a date, but not bring a guy home or anything.

My ex OTOH, started his new relationship about 8 months before he left me. He also included DS in a lot of his activities with the new girlfriend from the beginning. Even still he will not admit to me the young woman in question is more than a platonic friend. I did get a court order during the court proceedings to bar any contact between her and my DS until 1 year from the date of separation betw. me and ex.

I don't think I was much help. Sorry I turned this into a "rag on my ex" post. Didn't mean to.

[Myethpio]

Wow, I didn't know you could court order such a thing...

I wish I would have known, that's interesting... so does having a court order for that work?

it's so tough, especially when you see it is not a healthy relationship and that it is involving your children...

although many times things have been thrown back at my face because I am seeing someone as well... as if he "tries" to get away with more because I'm seeing someone... but it shouldn't even be like that. I do everything I can in the sense that I do what is best for my kids, and I think he now knows that and doesn't question it. There were a lot of things I put my foot down on that he wanted to do with them, such as overnight trips, or staying at their place, all of which I refused.

I'm just thankful I have full custody for my ex or it would be hard to deal with knowing how he is.

[mocha09]

Folks are discussing this exact situation (when it is okay for kids to meet s.o.'s) on the setting guidelines thread. Check it out!

[anothermama]

IMO, it's a fine line.

I was in my early/mid twenties when I was single. I had lots of friends who came over and I dated occasionally.

For me, it was ok for my dd to know men I dated as friend, just as she knew my other friends, but I NEVER felt it was ok to spend time alone with them or make them out to be my "special" friend.

I was very adamant and set a rule for myself and for my dd's dad......no introducing someone to our dd as MORE than a friend unless there was a ring involved somewhere. Period. I know that doesn't always make it permanent, but for us it was better than being arbitrary on every situation.

My dd's dad broke the rule........he was with a woman for 2 years and in the last year, he let her and dd have lots of alone time, it was clear that this woman was MORE of a friend than his other friends.........and they broke up and my dd was devestated. She missed her so much. And it pissed me off that her dad let that happen. It would never have happened had he stuck to the rule, because deep down he always knew he'd never marry this woman and she WANTS to get married and have kids.

This is the one issue I feel very proud of in my single parenting and will kind of brag about I guess.......I NEVER let my dd know any many I dated as anything more than a friend. Ever. Before my husband, I dated a man for nearly 2 years and my dd saw him all of 5 times, and those were all social events at which all my OTHER friends were at too. And at those times, no hand holding, no kissing, no nothin'. I think it really made things a lot easier on my dd when I DID get with a man who I was to marry........she understood the implications of the relationship. It took her a while to warm up to him, but she also now thinks of him as her other daddy.......rather than having known many men in my life in that capacity and never really connecting because they all eventually left.

My two cents at least.........

[brusselsprout]

Shortly after dh and I seperated I had a male friend who I was not dating, but was a friend of my brother and sis in law's. He would occasionally come up for dinner or spend the day with us as a group. I thought this was OK as it was obvious to everyone involved that we were just friends and not interested in each other "that way". Unfortunately as clear as it was to us as adults my children did not seem to understand. My oldest ds started asking me how much I loved this man and other things like that. He started to make it clear that he thought this man was going to be his new daddy The man in question has since joined the army and is no longer around, but ds still talks about him all of the time. With this in mind I have decided not to have even male friends over. I do not think I would want my children to meet someone unless we were certain that we were planning on staying together, but at the same time I would want the children to have time to get to know a person before marrying them....maybe if I ever got engaged that is when I would introduce them, and then insist on at least 6 mos to a year before the wedding? I dont know for sure, I just know that it is important to me to keep things seperate until I know for sure.

[Myethpio]

How old is your child?


It's so tough to even date when you have kids... :P

[brusselsprout]

DS is 6, I think in alot of ways this is the hardest age for seperating/divorcing....he is just starting to figure relationships out, so it must be confusing for him!

[Myethpio]

Yeah mine is almost 5. I don't think she understands the concept of relationships yet, but I'm sure she isn't too far from it either. The other one is only 1.5 and she really has no concept in that aspect. It's really complex if you think about it...

but kids are very intelligent... she asks her father where his g.f. is, and why she hasn't seen her recently... one day she even asked him where his g.f. sleeps. He didn't know what to say so I think he just distracted her... but now he is using this situation as a reason to tell her they live together, whereas I disagree with that.

[karen ann]

Originally posted by Myethpio
Wow, I didn't know you could court order such a thing...

I wish I would have known, that's interesting... so does having a court order for that work?

From what I understand a lot depends on what state you live in. For example, here in Massachusetts, a "no cohabitation (i.e. living together not married) if front of the minor child(ren)" stipuation is *not* enforceable in the courts; but in other states it would be (my sister works in retirement accounts so she sees a lot of divorce decrees).

The order I got took into account the young age of my DS and the short length of time my ex and I had not been living together. The judge also took into account the denials of the existence of the realtionship by my ex (despite concrete evidence to the contrary) and the new girlfriend's obscenity-laden rants about me in her blog. It was nothing that could be put into effect long-term; it was basically a way of giving a bit of a buffer between the end of the parents' relationship and the new relationship for DS (not that it worked too well since my ex had been dragging DS along on some of his "outings" with the new chickee even before he walked out, but I did my best for DS).

It basically involved going into court and getting a restraining order against my ex from having his new girlfriend present during his visitation with DS (plus a couple hours worth of legal fees). I probably wouldn't have bothered the extra trip to court for it except for the stuff she had put up on her web pages (pics of my DS, my name, DS's name, my mom's name, our hometown, and some rather creative uses of the c-word in reference to my parenting of DS).