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Somewhere to share my story

post #1 of 2
Thread Starter 

Hi,

Thanks so much for this group!  My DD is 18 months old and I am still not over her unplanned c-section.  I don't have anyone to talk to about it; my husband is amazing and supportive, but I don't think he knows what to say anymore.

 

My mother committed suicide when I was 5 months old.  She was induced, had a c-section and never produced any milk.  The combination of surgical birth and formula made her feel like a failure.  She had convinced herself that I was better off without her.  Given this history, when I found out I was pregnant, I was understandably worried about postpartum.

 

I tell you this because it has made it so hard for me to be completely honest about my feelings in general throughout this whole crazy process.  Yes, I hated myself at points, but I never thought about ending my own life (or my child's).  I could feel people's anxiety around the issue and so after everything, I tried so hard to act way more normal than I felt.  It makes it that much harder now to admit that I second guess the c-section every single day of my life.  That deep down I do feel like a failure.  That I have no idea what I need to hear or feel or experience to make that feeling go away.  

 

I was 42 weeks and 5 days pregnant, more worried about getting induced than having a c-section.  My midwife, who I felt such a beautiful connection to was going on vacation (which I knew in the beginning, just never imagined I would be so late).  Her junior midwife was now my contact.  I didn't trust her.  At all.  And after 30 hours of painful labor the next day after her departure, I began to worry that something was wrong, that the pain wasn't normal.  I panicked and made the decision to go to the hospital.  Huge mistake.  42 weeks and 5 days preggo is unheard of at the hospital.  They told me my "postdate" baby was probably close to 12 pounds.  That she was coming in at an angle (she was, my cervix is still weird on one side) and that "this wasn't possible."  The next thing I know, I can hear my daughter crying, but I am laying on a table and I can't even see her... I can't forgive myself for all of the hospital things that happened next... the most awful... a chest x-ray- postdate babies have probably aspirated meconium so on her first day in this world, she got a big dose of radiation. I feel so guilty and awful about it.  

 

Breastfeeding started a little rough, but we worked it out and I am very lucky to have not had a complete repeat of my mother's experience. 

 

I can't tell you how healing it is to feel like I am not totally alone.  A friend of mine just planned a c-section and I feel like it reopened a barely healed wound.  Joining this group (formed on my birthday- a fantastic present from the universe!), reading your honesty and writing this post feels a little like hope.  Hope that one day I will not feel so awful about the reality of the situation. Thank you.

post #2 of 2

I'm so glad you found us, too. Thank you for telling us your story, mama.

 

I can't imagine how difficult your journey has been. You sound like a very kind and loving mother, and your tale tells me one thing loudly- you did the best you could with the circumstances that befell you at the time. You said that the pain didn't feel normal or right. That was your instinct speaking to you, and you reacted, making the choice you felt was best for you and baby at the time. That is really all any of us can be asked to do in any given circumstance in life. 

 

You might never love your birth experience. And that is okay. You might never feel like you are at peace with it. That too is understandable and okay. But I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. You went through a lot to get this kid here safely, and that deserves to be honored.

 

 

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