Anyone else Super Depressed? « Back to Group Discussions

[Momto2Annie]

It just hit me today... I mean, I was having major anxiety and worries about this surprise pregnancy... But today was my first "irrational thoughts" leading to depression... Like "I should have stayed with my ex".. "My children hate me"... "I will never sleep again".. "I'm already SO fat"... Blah blah blah. Then, my oldest son said "Mom, I want to live at daddy's, I like it better there".  That, of course, sent me to the bathroom where I had to cry alone for a bit. Anyone else going through this part of the hormonal roller coaster?

Yuck. I really hate it.

[sere234]

Oh geez, I hate those days!  Today I had a good day but earlier in the week it was awful and I was questioning everything. It was so disheartening! Hold on, things will regulate soon. 

[JodiAriel]

This is me.  We found out Wed that we were having twins and while I am excited I am kinda depressed and mourning the home birth I desperately wanted and all the things that are going to be so much harder.  So much for babywearing or being able to go grocery shopping alone with the baby,or even going back to work for that matter.  I know I am capable of dealing with this, and I know that I can still babywear, and do everything I want (aside from the home birth) but I am having a selfish mourning moment.  I also feel like if I say anything about how I am feeling I will be judged since we went through fertility treatments to get here. So I am sad, and excited, and sad.

[tekcez]

I'm feeling really conflicted and it makes me sad and a little guilty that I'm not feeling super excited about this pregnancy. We had to do iui to conceive ds. Even the worst parts of my pregnancy with him were tinted with joy. This one really surprised us and it just feels like bad timing. Ds will still be so little. I'm really struggling to give myself a break and some time to get used to the idea of another baby. Anyway, I'm with ya. Pregnancy hormones are hard core.

[MadTown16]

Yes... been feeling very blah lately. i feel gross, tired, and sick all the time and therefore my motivation for doing any non-essential work has tanked. I think it will get better once I have my first Dr. appointment. Right now I don't mentally feel pregnant yet. I think once I see the baby I will feel better (mentally at least).

[HayMom]

Just joined this forum and so glad I'm not the only one that is NOT thrilled.  This was unexpected.   With a (almost) 16 y.o, 11 y.o., 9 y.o. I thought I was done with baby making.  I never felt this anxious or conflicted with the other pregnancies.  Even with my last one I went through a really horrible separation (and then divorce) WHILE preg.  At last preg. older kids were 6 and 18 months and I  worked full time and brought baby home alone - wasn't half as scared/confused/depressed as I am right now.

I don't think my kids are going to be happy about this at ALL and I'm not really either.   Am I crazy to "start over" and do this again?  I even thought about termination, it doesn't feel like the right thing to do but I don't know how to get into the idea of being preg. again and the terrifying thought of giving birth again.  

Why am I so scared this time when I had 3 easy natural births? It feels like forever ago and it seems like a different person who adjusted to pregnancy with such ease even in the midst of a bad personal situation.  My "situation" personal, economical, etc. is so much better now but I'm terrified!.

[Bella Catalina]

You're definitely not alone. This one was a very unexpected surprise for us, too. We had been on the fence about having another, but very much TTA, and I'd *just* started to be good with the decision that we were done. Then, wham!

I spent Saturday (the day I got my surprise BFP) alternating between awe and shock.

Then came Sunday. Oh.my.word. Emotional to the extreme. And irritable beyond words. Everything just set me off--the fact I can't afford to go to the writer's conference my BFF and I were planning to attend in July, the fact that money is super tight right now, and being so overwhelmed by the financial setbacks this addition will likely cause... and then I felt like the worst person alive because many of my close friends struggle with IF and would trade places in a heartbeat. We still don't know where we're going to put this new person/people, but I have to trust it will all be okay. This conception was a BC failure, so I figure it was meant to happen, even if I have trouble accepting that right now.

[greenmamato2]

Hang in there, everyone!

While I'm excited about this pregnancy, I'm going through depression (and anxiety) too.  I've heard that it is very common in the first trimester.  For me, I have the added "benefit" of coming off of my anti-depressant / anti-anxiety meds, so I am all kinds of messed up right now. :(  I may call and see if I can get an appointment with my counselor. 

[HayMom]

Thanks so much for the support and normalizing my feelings.  @Bella Catalina - yes, the financial burden is STRESSING me out.  If I'm paycheck to paycheck now, how can I do this?  Also, thank you for bringing up the issue of friends who can't (but want to so much) and here I am, preg. with #4!  The guilt that comes along with that.  I am 39, I have a lot of friends that waited until now to try (or have been trying for the past few years) and nothing.   And I'm like, oh man, another baby, sort of inconvenient..... makes me feel like crap.

@greenmama, you made me realize something in your comment. I'm also in serious withdrawl from nicotine (not smoking, the gum, which turns out is hugely addictive).  I'm weaning myself off a little at a time but it probably doesn't help  the craziness.  Good luck with your transition off of meds, I would definetely see somebody.  The rebound anxiety after coming off meds can be worse than you've ever been.   I just read a great book by Robert Whitaker on the topic of psychiatric drugs "Anatomy of an epidemic" worth checking out if you are interested. He highlights some of the research that shows that the rebound anxiety and depresssion (after stoping meds) is often worse than the original problem. Sorry, this doesn't help but at least you can understand what you are going through.

[greenmamato2]

HayMom - thank you for the book recommendation - I will definitely check it out.  I am in a bad place emotionally, coming off the meds, and its all i can do to try to stay positive to those around me. I am very lucky that my hubby is being very supportive and kind to me, especially after I talked to him and really explained how I'm feeling.  I got a little bit of time to myself today, which is a HUUUUGE source of comfort for me.  It is the first chance I've had for that in weeks, so it was very much needed.  

Is there anything that helps to give you a re-start, or boost you in any way?  Fresh air?  A hot bath/shower? chocolate?  being creative?  spending time on pinterest?  whatever it is that helps you, DO IT.  Coming off of nicotine is not easy.  I'm coming off of caffeine which is SO much less than nicotine, and I'm having a hard time with that too.  I can only imagine.  Just baby yourself, and make time for the things that make you feel good.  It is important.

[poema304]

Greenmama- I believe that Rescue Remedy is safe to take during pregnancy. The midwives I used to work with often gave it to their clients when they were feeling anxious. I've also used it myself (not during pregnancy) and it gives you pretty instant relief. It comes in little pastilles, drops, or a spray. I highly recommend it to anyone who is stressed out or feeling anxious. 

[HayMom]

I'm going to look for Rescue Remedy!  I have also heard that Lobelia helps with nicotine withdrawl and is also used by midwives during pregnancy, however it's also toxic in high doses.  I'm looking for a herbalist to help me figure out how much and how to take it.  Hmmm.. I wonder if there is a board on here about herbal remedies where I could get some advice?

[STLmama225]

First pregnancy ever...scared shitless. I'm a rollar coaster of emotions. I was initially thrilled. Ive wanted a baby for as long as I can remember! But I'm petrified. I wish I could go back in time and not get pregnant (this was not planned and we were using contraception). At the same time, I'm terrified of having a miscarriage -- it just seems unsurvivable I feel guilty for not being all happy. I'm nervous as hell about the fact that DH and I have only been married for 6 months...I know there is no "ready" for a baby, but man this seems really not ready! I'm scared to tell anyone because I don't want to have to un-tell them if I miscarry. OTOH, not telling is a huge burden because I have no one to process with. (Other than DH, who is being fantastic, but it's not the same as female IRL support). I'm afraid my mother is going to be really unsupportive, because she hates my DH, which has already been so hard. Was already planning on quitting my job independent of this, because I work for an OB's office and I hate it, but I want to get out of there ASAP now. I really don't want them to know I'm pregnant...they have so much disdain for pregnant women! And I'll be having a homebirth with a midwife, and I don't want to hear it from them. Also...I never thought I would feel like this...but I feel like my body's been hijacked! Really not looking forward to the fat-but-no-bump phase. And now I'm freaking out about all of this and sobbing...damn hormones! I need a hug.

[HayMom]

STL Mama - first of all HUGE hugs to you.  [just spend 5 mins trying to find the hug smiley, but can't find it - I'm lame]. 

Here are my thoughts:  #1 I think its totally normal to be completely freaked out during your fist preg. and you will feel better once you are fully IN (and past the miscarriage risk stage).   #2 miscarriages are TOTALLY survivable, I bet 95% of the women on this site have had and survived one.  It's natures way of making beautiful perfect babies.  Most of the time it has nothing to do with what the mama is doing, it's just that the cells aren't forming how they are supposed to. 

It's SO HARD not to have anyone to talk to, I'm in the same boat and I think that is why a lot of us come to these boards.  I want support from my friends but I honestly am not ready to tell, I have older children, I don't want to tell others until I have told them.  It's really difficult to keep everything inside especially when I have such mixed feelings myself (also terrified, although I've been through this 3 times so my fear seems completely irrational). 

The last thing is that I went through the same thing with my mom really not liking my (ex) husband (and for good reason, as it turns out he was a jerk but that's another story).  But once a baby comes, it can really help with that animosity.  It could help your mom see the positive sides of your husband.  If she sees him nurturing and caring for you during the pregnancy and being a good daddy, she will probably totally soften to him and it could change the whole dynamic of their relationship.  

Hope you have a beautiful day. 

[STLmama225]

Thank you, HayMom! Your post was so sweet and supportive. I did tell a couple of close real life girlfriends, which has been hugely helpful. And I'm also super grateful for this MDC community. Thanks for your wisdom regarding the mother and miscarriage fears too! Hugs back!