Last night I started cramping and oddly I was hanging out with my midwife. She suggested I drink more water which I had been drowning in but conceded that was probably the case. After I got home I went to the bathroom and wiped, there was blood. I started taking crampbark, false unicorn and wild yam to calm things down to no avail. I've been cramping and spotting all night, now I am actively bleeding and passing small clots.
I am so incredibly sad. I have been praying and reaching out to family and friends on Facebook. This baby was unexpected and I was really excited to be pregnant despite my partners hesitations. I feel like if I lose this baby then I will not be able to have another with him. It frustrates me and all I can do is pray that this baby is ok but I've felt kind of detached from the baby from the start. I feel like I couldn't get excited because of my husbands reaction and because I had surgery in the early weeks along with a lot of oxycodone when I didn't know I was pregnant I feel guilty that I wasn't able to take better care of my body to support this little life. And that its just my fault.
I've been so busy lately trying to work multiple jobs to support the changes happening in my family, there has been so much stress about money, our future and so many other unknowns that I have shared with you all on other threads. To add the possibiility of losing this baby when before I had never even considered it. I had such amazing pregnancies and births and even as a midwife watching and coaching women through this same thing is just incredibly different going through this yourself. I am heartbroken but still holding out hope. My husband has been amazing last night and today. Our church has basically set up a meal schedule to help me get through this and a good friend came to get our girls so hubby could take care of me. I feel incredibly supported and yet so alone. This is so hard.