i feel hurt :( « Back to Group Discussions

[polishprinsezz]

so i invited my sister in law to come to my baby shower for 3/16. she accepted the invite weeks ago but when i tried repeatedly to contact her to see if she was coming she never showed or responded at all. finally i reach her this morning only for her to say she took overtime at work but in actuality she was at the beach with her friend and kids. our relationship has been strained for some time but i feel i should make the effort to get along for all the kids sake as i want a relationship with my nieces and nephew. i know she feels animosity towards my brother's family. she has managed to outcast everyone on my brother's side but me. our issues together arose as she does not agree with my crunchy beliefs and gets on my wall to spout her educated knowledge (she is a nurse) in disagreement with me basically trying to belittle me with her education. so i quit posting anything "controversal" on my facebook. oh, she was sooo happy we were moving here to Florida and we were going to be invited to all the parties but now her excuse is she is only having a small gathering for classmates and than posts pics of these parties with all her buddies kids and a bounce house. i really tried to keep the peace but she does not like me and i feel like i am making a fool of myself and allowing her to hurt me over again. i just cannot do this anymore. i cant get through to my brother about this as he is already afraid she will divorce him and leave state with the kids. so i am the last sibling he speaks with. as is they have a volatile relationship with screaming at each other and the kids and physical abuse towards each other and the kids. my sister and mom were out casted a few years back by her. even though she is a felon who has done time she feels her nursing education puts her in a above all status and is not shy to say so. i chose to be a wife and mother and do not have the fabulous job and education and for some reason she turns her nose at my lifestyle. well anyway, i am sick of kissing her patootie just to keep family peace and it makes me cry to know that cutting ties with her and my brother really is a lose lose situation. believe me i have tried talking to her. so sadly i must walk away now and not allow myself to be hurt by her any more.

[casmer]

hugs...I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a toxic person.  My SIL is toxic, not to the same degree, but you eventually have to quit putting yourself in that position :(  It sounds like you're already headed down that path.  Hopefully your brother will eventually come around, even though it could take some time. 

When I have ppl on FB annoy me, I just filter them out of my status updates.  Seriously people can be such downers on FB sometimes.

[SaguaroMoon]

That's really hard, Polish. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you need to let go of communicating with HER as much as possible - and unfortunately, this may mean limited contact with your nieces & nephew, too. I would encourage you to just play it cool with her - either invite her to things and don't let yourself care whether she shows up, or don't invite her at all; if she invites you to things, be non-committal, etc. And I totally agree with Casmer on the FB suggestion.

However, it also sounds like she is trying her best to isolate your brother from everyone who cares about him - this is unfortunately a common tactic used by abusive people. It might be useful to both you & your brother to figure out a way to stay in touch that involves her as little as possible. Could you make a habit of calling him every Sunday? Making plans to go to lunch a couple of times a month? This way, you'll maintain your relationship with him to some degree - and you might be the person he comes to when he decides he's had enough.

It might also be useful to encourage your brother to go to counseling to figure out how he can better deal with the situation (if he's scared she's going to divorce him and take the kids away, clearly he already sees a problem here). The screaming and physical abuse in front of the kids is obviously not okay, and him getting help might either help to alleviate this, or at least show the courts that he was trying to improve the situation if the situation ever does come to divorce and a custody battle.

[Kamiro]

Wow Polish. No wonder you feel hurt, that is all so incredibly hurtful. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Exactly what Saguaro said also - abusive people do isolate from caring family. It isn't you, and she sounds like she has problems that unfortunately are not going to be fixed any time soon no matter how many cheeks you turn. Better to just let them go. Big Hugs, probably you'll be grieving for a while..but it would probably be the healthiest for you in the long run.

I'm really sorry...

[BubbleMa]

Sorry you're dealing with that.  :(  Family issues are so stressful.  We completely cut one of SO's sisters out of our lives last year.  It was a much easier decision though.  She's an alcoholic, has a rx pill addiction, and I'm pretty sure she's a sociopath.  On top of all that she accused SO of pushing her (and breaking her finger) and he ended up in jail over it.  :|  It was a mess, and it cost us a lot of money and stress.  So yeah, it was a pretty easy decision to end all contact with her.

I would suggest you talk to your brother and just tell him what you told us.  That her behavior is hurtful to you, and you're done trying to be friendly and getting the cold shoulder in return.  That you won't be reaching out to her anymore, but if he wants to continue a relationship with you you're more than happy to do that (including the kids too).  I would also limit what she can see on FB, like someone else suggested.