Weekly Chat Thread 3/19 « Back to Group Discussions

[Knitting Mama]

Ninetales: Anatomy scan, 3/19

Thandiwe: Anatomy scan 3/19

bootsvalentine: New doctor and anatomy scan, 3/19

andaluza: Anatomy scan, 3/20

eleuthia: Anatomy scan, 3/20

Sil E Sil: Anatomy scan, 3/20

Veritas Vitae: Anatomy scan 3/22

justchanti: Anatomy scan 3/22

Honey693: Anatomy scan, 3/28

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New weeks, new thread. Thank you to everyone for the congrats. I probably won't talk much about the baby for a bit because I'm working through a complex set of emotions, but I'm here.

Edited by Knitting Mama - 3/23/12 at 11:46am

[eleuthia]

I'm anticipating some complex emotions after my scan tomorrow! I'm feeling kind of weird about how my reactions would be different either way, and that my thoughts about my baby will differ based on body parts, but... I'm trying to remind myself that we don't live in a genderblind culture/world, so it's normal to have some feelings about what it means to have a boy or a girl. And everyone makes such a big deal about it, as if sex determines the baby's destiny, so part of me is sad about letting that information out into the world. But I'd rather deal with it now than right after birth (both the internal feelings and the external reactions of others).

[sallyrae17]

Aimee - I was actually going to ask how you were doing with the news. I know that you were really hoping for another girl and wanted to find out the gender to prepare for a boy. I hope that you are able to come to terms with the baby's gender in a way that will allow you to feel some excitement. For what it's worth and in my opinion, babies don't have a gender. Yes, they have a penis or vagina, but that's about it. They don't understand gender social roles until they are taught to them (which society is really good at doing from a young age). So...in my opinion, babes are genderless. :-) I still get "what a cute girl!" comments about my son, even though he wears button up plaid shirts most days and has short (though curly) hair. It doesn't bother me at all, but it seems to bother other people quite a bit (to a point where I feel guilty if I accidentally reference my son as my son and they think he's a girl). 

Anyway, I hope that you can come to a place of peace about your soon-to-be son. Hopefully someday you'll wonder why you were so worried/concerned about having a boy. I'm sure he'll be as amazing as your daughter is!

As for me, you can add my anatomy scan to the list - I have it on the 30th. 

[LilyTiger]

Best of luck working through things, Aimee.  It's a confusing and complicated time.

As for me, I'm 20 weeks today!  Holy crap!  I can't believe I'm already halfway there.  And we are completely behind on everything, but that's ok.  20 weeks!

[ithappened]

I hope that you are able to come to terms with the baby's gender in a way that will allow you to feel some excitement. For what it's worth and in my opinion, babies don't have a gender. Yes, they have a penis or vagina, but that's about it. They don't understand gender social roles until they are taught to them

I completely agree but I understand both sides of it. CeciliaMama sorry it wasn't a girl..

I have a scan next week at 21/22w

[Knitting Mama]

I both agree and disagree with babies not having a gender. There are some things that I am pretty convinced are physiological, but many others that are taught.

[Sol_y_Paz]

I am glad you are still here.  Take all the time you need C's Mama .  Your feelings are real, as they are your feelings and they have been formed from decades of your own personal experiences and observations.  It is complex.  There is even a word for that situation specifically and lots of threads on it on the Internet, so you aren't alone in having to sort it all out.  

[DesertSunsets]

For what it's worth, we usually refer to finding out if we're having a boy or a girl as "learning the sex of the baby" rather than "learning the gender of the baby", simply because it's as SallyRae mentioned, that gender is a social construct and sex refers to the physical organs a person possesses. 

Regardless of the sex vs. gender discussion, I understand where you're coming from about gender disappointment and I do hope you'll find a way to work through it.  ((Hugs))

[LeAnn A Doula]

C's Mama- Hugs to you! I have no idea how I'm going to react when I find out the sex of this LO but I have the feeling it will be one of those surprises that takes a few days to sort out either way. That little boy is lucky to have a great Mama and I bet C is going to love her little brother! Take your time.

[Sol_y_Paz]

Hope your scan goes great today Ninetales, Thandiwe, and Boots! 

[iixivboots]

Ugh! Baby is healthy and everything looks normal, but it was lying breech and would NOT give up the goods. Too much cord between the legs to tell, she said maaaybe boy, but not at all sure. Also, no cute profile shot, again!

I like my new doc a lot. She gave me another U/S order, so as soon as they get the results and see if they need more images, (hopefully!) we will go to this place that has better machines.

[Veritas Vitae]

I lost my post.

Aimee, I'm sorry you're having complex feelings.  I feel like I will be the same if I find out it is a boy because I feel like it is a girl.

Boots, sorry baby wasn't giving up the goods.

[Ninetales]

You're not alone, Aimee.  I'm having a boy too.  I was so sure recently it was a girl, and I was subconsciously hoping and dreaming and planning for a girl and to have it not be was actually a shock.  And even just a few hours later I'm starting to be flooded with some pretty severe emotions.  I didn't think I'd ever react this way and am trying to remind myself that a healthy baby is the important part, and that I know moms with only boys who would love to have the one girl I already have, but the feelings are there.

We went out to eat afterward and I saw a family with two little girls, maybe four and two and I started to cry.  I felt like that was supposed to be my family and I don't recognize the one I'm going to have.  I don't know how to say it without sounding like a completely horrible person, and I know I will love him and soon won't be able to imagine life without him, but I really never wanted any boys.

[Knitting Mama]

A large part of my emotional state is letting go of the dreams of sisters close in age and close, period (which is what I have with my sister). So I can totally understand how you felt seeing that family, because it's where I am, too. 

[ilovetchotchkes]

Originally Posted by Ninetales 

You're not alone, Aimee.  I'm having a boy too.  I was so sure recently it was a girl, and I was subconsciously hoping and dreaming and planning for a girl and to have it not be was actually a shock.  And even just a few hours later I'm starting to be flooded with some pretty severe emotions.  I didn't think I'd ever react this way and am trying to remind myself that a healthy baby is the important part, and that I know moms with only boys who would love to have the one girl I already have, but the feelings are there.

We went out to eat afterward and I saw a family with two little girls, maybe four and two and I started to cry.  I felt like that was supposed to be my family and I don't recognize the one I'm going to have.  I don't know how to say it without sounding like a completely horrible person, and I know I will love him and soon won't be able to imagine life without him, but I really never wanted any boys.

If this makes you feel any better: 

I didnt' want boys at all. NO BOYS. My first son was a boy. I don't know if I cried more that I had a low lying placenta and was afraid of a c-section or that he was a boy more. 

Now that I have him? I cannot CANNOT imagine him anything else. I am so glad he's the person he is. And I felt this way even before I found out what i'm having this time. We even contemplated having 1 and done right before I got pregnant because once he was here, he was so PERFECT even though my heart ached for a girl someday. Boys can be fun. I promise. You can be rough with them, wrestling on the floor and nobody screams like they do with a girl, there are seriously crazy cute bug and dinosaur PJs out there. And hell, if you want to put skull barrettes in your boys' hair, there is NOTHING wrong with that. Hell, my BOY plays with a purse, has a baby doll, and loves to help me cook. And dude, my son has several pink/flowered diapers. Which I bought even though he's a boy. 

[Ninetales]

Thanks.  It's so hard to explain.  I definitely don't do the super girly thing with Elsa, we do girly sometimes and not others, and we rough house and get dirty and all that.  It's not so much the clothes and toys thing, it's just...I have two sisters, my husband has two sisters, my sister has a girl, my sister-in-law has a girl, I just saw myself with a house full of little girls and I can't see yet how this boy fits into that.  I don't know anything about raising a boy, and I'm sad that my mother's intuition is apparently so whack.  It still doesn't feel like a boy.  I still feel like I have a girl in there and when the time comes for birth I will lose that girl.j

And I hurt so bad thinking about how hurtful this would be to my son if he ever knew about it. 

[Knitting Mama]

I'm not worried about what people think is right for boys and what is right for girls, personally. That's not my concern. But my degree work in early child development and my experience since becoming a parent with everyone else's kids (and I have LOTS of very AP friends who parent in very similar ways to me) shows me that there are things that are different between girls and boys. I know that a) a boy of mine might not exhibit some of the traits that I find hard with working with boys and b) there's nothing saying that a girl wouldn't be more boy-like in many ways. I know that empirically, at least. That doesn't make it any easier, at least not yet. Like Ninetales, I've never really wanted any boys either. It's just never been in my dream-parenting-mind. And I also feel ridiculously guilty that I cannot focus on the fact that he's healthy and presumably happy in there, and how it would hurt for my son to learn that I once felt this way.

[Ninetales]

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk, Aimee.

[LilyTiger]

Ninetales and Aimee,

For what it's worth, my dad wanted a boy when I was born (I had an older sister), but he just fell in love with having two girls to the point that when my mom was pregnant the third time he really wanted another girl.  When my brother was born, of course, he loved having a boy.  All this is merely to say that it never hurt me at all that my dad originally wanted a boy instead of me.  I simply never worried about it.  What mattered was that once he knew who I was, he thought I was awesome.  So I would let go of that guilt that either of your sons would be hurt if they knew about how you feel because ultimately it's not how you feel about the child you wish you had but about how you feel about the child you have.  And you'll both fall in love with your little boys, though you might have to go through a grieving period for the family you thought you wanted first.  And that's totally ok.   

[ilovetchotchkes]

It won't hurt him unless you wait 10 years, dig up this internet archive and show it to him once he can read. :) 

Its OK to feel upset and disappointed! Seriously its OK. We all have ideas in our head about what our families are going to be like. I mean, even though I really wanted a girl "someday".... even though I knew she was a girl, I kinda wanted another boy THIS TIME. Why? this is going to sound so freaking selfish, I now have to give up my amazing, huge, insanely well lit, best room in the house sewing room. (With MAGENTA walls *sob* ).  There's a Yiddish saying, Mensch tracht un Gott laucht - Man plans and G-d laughs. 

I think my husband wanted 2 boys because that's how his brother had it, that's how his dad's family was too.... That and my husband HATES princesses and girly stuff. I think he's actually panicking because he doesn't know how he's going to identify with a little girl.