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Weekly Chat Thread 3/19 - Page 2

post #21 of 154

Yeah, I know soon enough it won't matter.  Not like I can send him back, right?  winky.gif

 

Besides, I'm halfway done and it's been super easy so far.  I've just Invested too much.  And darling hubby has pledged that he'll impregnate me as many times as it takes to get another girl.  What a trooper.

post #22 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama View Post

I both agree and disagree with babies not having a gender. There are some things that I am pretty convinced are physiological, but many others that are taught.


I agree with this - it's not just nature or just nurture! My current worries are more about the nurture side of things, but... I know if I'm having a boy, I'm going to have to confront some fears about the innate boy things I may encounter. I have 6 sisters and only 1 brother so I'm just much more comfortable around girls! 

post #23 of 154

Ninetales, LOL.. I KNOW that's why people think we have so many kids.  They thought we were trying for a boy and once we got him, we'd stop.  Yeah, we wanted a boy, but we wanted CHILDREN.  Know what i mean.

 

This is probably going to come off sounding rude, and I hope hope hope no one takes offense, but one really great reason to not find out the gender is because of these sad feelings.  I'm telling you, once that baby is in your arms, and you are looking into those eyes, those feelings of disappointment leave pretty quickly.  It's a LOT easier to deal with when they are THERE.  I like to wait till the birth, and that's another reason.  I KNOW the feeling of disappointment.  and I KNOW I would take weeks, right now, to get over not having another boy.  But if I wait till the birth, within minutes it goes from, oh, I wanted a boy so bad, to look at this precious baby girl. 

 

I want a boy so my son has a BROTHER.  But every single time that boy prays, he thanks God for his sisters.  He doesnt know he's missing out.  LOL

 

anyway, I hope that didnt come off as rude.  I know everyone has to do what's best for them.  Just for anyone on the fence about finding out...it's easier, if you have your hopes set on a boy or girl, to wait.  It really is.  That moment when you meet for the first time overcomes gender.

post #24 of 154

I see your point, and I considered it, so I'm not offended at all.  I was sure Elsa was a girl, and of course I was right, but for some reason I still mourned the other baby, the one in my belly.  Made no sense at all, but likely because of the circumstances of the birth.  It took a long time to come to terms with all of it, and I do think there's a possibility that I still would have had the same reaction but felt even worse about it because now I have to parent this stranger starting immediately.  At least this way it will not shock me, even though I will have to work through tears from time to time.

 

But I actually do agree that what you said makes sense.  I have thought it myself but I think it's probably all variable between people.

post #25 of 154
Thread Starter 

I think it will be variable, for sure. I wanted to find out because I didn't want to be confronted with all of these overwhelming feelings and half-formed subconscious thoughts that I have now AND have a  brand new baby and a toddler to parent. I want the next few months to come to terms with everything.

post #26 of 154

I had my anatomy scan today too, and I am also disappointed - because they wouldn't tell me the sex. Blah!  I had a trainee, who took FOREVER which bugged me because I'm not exactly pro-ultrasound in the first place. And then due to the technicality of the requisition form from my midwife not specifying that they COULD tell me, she said I'd have to wait to see my midwife.  My next appt. is 6 weeks away!

A phone call or two is in order tomorrow...

 

Otherwise everything sounded super normal and good (from what the tech was relaying to the trainee). So that's obviously a huge plus!

 

 

I'm sorry some of you are struggling with mixed feelings and disappointments.  For what it's worth, when I was pregnant with my first I was absolutely set on having a girl because I had absolutely no clue what to do with a boy!  Then, quite honestly, my break through moment was in Wal-Mart, seeing that boys have some rrreeeaaallllyyy cute clothes.  Then I was like "Okay, I can do this!"  Turned out he was a boy :)  then for the second boy I was gung-ho - I know what I'm doing!

And then our girl has just been such a wonderful joy. They're all unique and I have loved them equally (but differently) during each pregnancy.

 

It's true, there are lots of ideas imposed upon children to be one way or another, but seriously you could not keep my boys away from anything with wheels. It's just built into them, despite them loving the colour pink, to play "kitchen", play with their dolls etc.   And my girl plays with the train sets and Tonka trucks just as much as her brothers, while picking out dresses to wear. It all balances out :)

post #27 of 154

 

Quote:
That and my husband HATES princesses and girly stuff. I think he's actually panicking because he doesn't know how he's going to identify with a little girl.

 

This is me. whistling.gif I am not a girly girl and I have no idea what I would do if I gave birth to a princess barbie girl who wants to be ms. america but at the same time, I am curious what a girl would be like to have..

post #28 of 154

Demeter, that's one reason why we're waiting, to be honest.  I really want a boy, but if it's a girl I think it will be a lot easier for me to deal with at birth when I'm awash in hormones. 

 

Another thing that has helped me think about girls more positively is finding the perfect name.  I know it sounds a little weird, but we picked out a beautiful, sweet, tomboyish, not-princessy-at name that DH and I just love and it has made the concept of having a girl a lot easier to deal with.  I'd still love a boy, but if a little girl pops out I think I'll be fine.  DH wants a girl because he wants to craft an Olympic ski-jumper.  Sigh.  eyesroll.gif

post #29 of 154

I think that part of it (for some of us), is that get used to what you have and what you know (from childhood/friends/etc).

 

Perhaps a bigger disappointment would be getting the genders you want and then not the relationships you hoped for.  I know a lot of women who had horrible, competitive and fraught relationships with their sisters.  I have a friend right now that has two girls that just do no click (24 months apart, ages 4 and 6) and I kind of have to laugh because she was SO happy to be having two girls that would be great sisters to each other -- they aren't mean to each other, they are just VERY different souls and almost don't seem to relate to each other in the least.

 

But I probably shouldn't contribute.  I can say now that I'm one of those people who really doesn't care much about the sex of the baby -- I felt zero emotion at all three of the ultrasounds where I've found out the sex of my babes.  I saw definitely advantages to having a third boy and I'm a little confused at the notion of having a girl.  Our third is our last and will be more separated in age from the two boys, so I feel she will be different regardless of gender.  Boys seem so easy to me -- but men are easier to me than women in a lot of ways too, as they seem less complex and easier to read (less secretive and with fewer hidden motives).  They just say and do as they please and you don't have to wonder why, because they will tell you (not that you'll like the answer).

 

One thing I can say after having two boys is that I always think of them as girls for the first few months.  I just see newborns as feminine -- and this is from someone who really wanted boys and has no "girl sway".  I think I just have notions...cats are always female to me and dogs are always male???  But newborns feel like girls to me...maybe they still have some female energy (and hormones) during those first few months?  I do it with my own and with other people's little ones.  Don't feel weird if you think of your little boys as girls at first...it does take a few months for the gender stuff to start materializing in their personalities.

post #30 of 154

That's definitely true about relationships, ainh.  Even if you get what you want there's still no guarantee things will be the way you want them.  My younger sister and I are not close with our youngest sister - she's quite a bit younger and very different from us.

 

And I agree it's a lot about personal experience.  Not having any brothers or nephews, my experiences with males consist of my difficult relationship with my father and stepfathers, mean boys at school, the little boys who run wild at church, and my stepfather's grandsons who range from annoying and hyperactive to annoying and neurotic.  I know, I know, I know that isn't how they all are and my own will be different, I just don't know where my own boy fits in my mindset.  I try to imagine a little boy here at my house, or Elsa with a brother, and at the risk of sounding off kilter here, it feels...wrong.  Not bad, but just like that's not how it's supposed to be. 

 

On a purely superficial level I'm really not happy about having to buy a whole new set of clothes once we're out of the newborn stuff, or having to go through the bins of clothes to pick out the neutral stuff and seeing all the adorable little girl outfits I may never use again.

post #31 of 154

i love this constructive conversation...i feel really lucky to be a part of this due date month.

 

we're waiting to find out...mostly because i'm looking forward to the challenge of waiting it out, for me it feels like a fun thing to do. i do really identify with folks who have a vision "in their mind's eye" though. i picture our first being a girl, always have. and based on when we had sex and when we conceived, this might even be likely. i'm the oldest myself, so i wonder if that's where i'm getting this "picture" mostly. 

 

i totally hear what people are saying about picturing their families a certain way. obviously we can talk logic all day. for example, my sister and i are 8+ years apart and have had an on-again, off-again closeness. meanwhile, her and my brother (18 mos apart) are pretty close (he's the youngest). and of course we'll all love and treasure whatever little person we end up with...but i love how this group welcomes and affirms how everyone is feeling and provides a safe place to ride it out.

 

 afm, i'm feeling way behind the times. i guess with a late in the month due date, i'll always feel that way! i just rescheduled our anatomy scan for april 5th, i'll be 20 weeks and change. i was supposed to have my monthly appointment today but was rescheduled due to a birth (i see midwives in a very small practice, just 3 of them, so i guess that's the nature of the beast). since it's been about 4 weeks since my last appointment, i'm really looking forward to hearing the heartbeat and that things are moving along. feeling what i think is movement...some fluttering and occasionally thumping...which is cool. 

 

thinking of everyone as they get their scans and hear their news, whatever that may be!

 

colleen

post #32 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by ithappened View Post

 

 

This is me. whistling.gif I am not a girly girl and I have no idea what I would do if I gave birth to a princess barbie girl who wants to be ms. america but at the same time, I am curious what a girl would be like to have..



I hate it too but my husband's hate is rage filled and all consuming... LOL

 

As far as siblings close together... um, My sister and I..... its like a love hate thing. right now we're in the "hate" cycle. She's angry at me- she had a loss about a month ago at 12w, because she decided I equated her loss with my dog getting skunked. (WHAT?!?!?!)  (and seriously its nothing I said, I talked to a friend of mine who has had 3+ losses and she even said my sister was acting super irrational, probably because of the hormones). She's not coming to my Jewish wedding or my son's 2nd birthday. 

 



 

post #33 of 154
Quote:

Originally Posted by ainh View Post

 

 I know a lot of women who had horrible, competitive and fraught relationships with their sisters.


There is this for me- at some level. Not so much competitive but more that my sister and I are so different and she is so emotionally senestive etc it can cause a lot of issues for us. I also thing most women are really screwed up on some level for a good 10-15yrs of their lives in my family and Id prefer to avoid that as well


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Waffler View Post

i love this constructive conversation...i feel really lucky to be a part of this due date month.

 

we're waiting to find out...mostly because i'm looking forward to the challenge of waiting it out, for me it feels like a fun thing to do.

 


I agree. This is an awesome DDC!

 

I also wish I was able to wait but for some reason I really need to know and I have no idea why, its not even that I have much preference, I just feel like Im going to have a lot more of one gender then another in my house.. and in some regards Id like to know if Im having a girl twin so I can prepare for that too...
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovetchotchkes View Post
 

She's angry at me- she had a loss about a month ago at 12w, because she decided I equated her loss with my dog getting skunked. (WHAT?!?!?!)  (and seriously its nothing I said, I talked to a friend of mine who has had 3+ losses and she even said my sister was acting super irrational, probably because of the hormones).

Is she younger? My sister and I have a similar dynamic at times, she can be really rash and irrational and take things waaaay to personally at times.. She also does not trust anyone which makes having a relationship with her really challenging because she second guesses everything and everyone. its hard to be around for me sometimes.

 

 

post #34 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by ainh View Post

I think that part of it (for some of us), is that get used to what you have and what you know (from childhood/friends/etc).

 

Perhaps a bigger disappointment would be getting the genders you want and then not the relationships you hoped for.  I know a lot of women who had horrible, competitive and fraught relationships with their sisters.  I have a friend right now that has two girls that just do no click (24 months apart, ages 4 and 6) and I kind of have to laugh because she was SO happy to be having two girls that would be great sisters to each other -- they aren't mean to each other, they are just VERY different souls and almost don't seem to relate to each other in the lea

My thoughts exactly. Honestly, it never occured to me that I might be disappointed about the sex of my LO. It got me thinking. For me, sex is just one ingredient in who this little person will be. The relationship I have w this little person is definitely what matters to me. Male or female, I think personality is going to be more important. I worry about having a child who hates reading and being outdoors and just wants to play video games all the time. How would I connect with that person??  I veiw of finding out the sex of the baby as more as a reveal of something that has always been. I have dreamed of what my family might look like but I would never want to trade the children the universe holds for me for the ones I've created in my imagination. To me that would be like buying and wrapping all of your own Christmas gifts!! I'm just so excited to see what I will get!..as long as he/she likes to read and play outside. winky.gif

 

I understand the emotions involved in letting go of the image of family you've been living with. But I really do think that you may still have that family - the closeness of siblings, etc - no matter what combination you end up with. It just may come in an unexpected package.

post #35 of 154

Funny story about waiting - we waited to find out with my son and right after he was born we were so in gagaland about the fact that our BABY was here that both of us were just staring at him all wrapped up in the blanket for a few minutes before I finally snapped out of it, looked at my husband, and said, "We don't even know if we have a boy or a girl!"  Then we both laughed and took a look!  So, further proof that birth seriously just puts you in some kind of weird state where it's just you and that BABY - whatever the sex! 

 

With our second, we decided to find out ahead of time, and so we knew she was a girl when she was born.  It was lovely to meet her too and get all of her things ready.  I'm not anti-girly, but I'm really not that girly either - and she seems to be pretty rough and tumble and assertive - but she likes her jewelry and tutus too - which I don't mind at all!    

 

This time we'll wait to find out and I'm totally ambivalent about having either a boy or a girl - and I don't think it's just because I have one of each - even with my last two - I never really had a strong preference.  I grew up with both brothers and sisters - all of whom I'm pretty close to/get along with.  My sister and I are two years apart and we were very close although we're pretty dif't personality wise - we do share a lot of the same values and sense of humor.  That's not to say we didn't have plenty of good fights and some pretty big transitions in our relationship through the years.  But I know this isn't always the case.  

 

I guess it comes down to the fact that our children are gifts, rather than choices.  At least, that's the way it seems to me.  We don't really know who we're going to receive, or how they are going to impact our family, but that they are gifts is without question.  And that unknown can be a little disconcerting, especially for those of us who like to plan and who like to be in control.  I know that having my two kiddos - and having faced some unexpected challenges in their personalities and temperaments regardless of their sex - has really helped me to let go of a lot of control.  

post #36 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizbiz View Post

  And that unknown can be a little disconcerting, especially for those of us who like to plan and who like to be in control.  I know that having my two kiddos - and having faced some unexpected challenges in their personalities and temperaments regardless of their sex - has really helped me to let go of a lot of control.  



I've been thinking about this a lot. I love this blog: http://cheandfidel.blogspot.com/ She's been talking about "surrender" lately in regard to parenthood (and birth actually).  

post #37 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizbiz View PostAnd that unknown can be a little disconcerting, especially for those of us who like to plan and who like to be in control.

 

That's a very big thing for me.  Not so much control, but awareness.  I'm the kind of person who visualizes and fantasizes, and sometimes gets overly attached to my idea of how things are going to go.  That's one of the reasons my first birth had such a big impact on me, because it wasn't how I'd imagined it.  When things don't follow my visions it throws me off and I feel like the world makes no sense.  I don't think it has as much to do with boy vs girl as my mind is making it out to be.

 

It may even be anxiety over having a second child period.  This morning I was cuddling with Elsa and kissing on her and thinking about how hard it was for me to picture doing that with a boy, loving a boy like I love her, and really you could just as easily substitute "another baby" with "boy." 

post #38 of 154

Andaluza, Eleuthia & Sil E Sil - Best of luck at your scans today!! Sending good vibes your way. goodvibes.gif

 

post #39 of 154
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninetales View Post

On a purely superficial level I'm really not happy about having to buy a whole new set of clothes once we're out of the newborn stuff, or having to go through the bins of clothes to pick out the neutral stuff and seeing all the adorable little girl outfits I may never use again.


Yup. And I refuse to get rid of Cecilia's clothes. I am still going to hold out hope that we have another girl later.

 

post #40 of 154


 

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