Spring IVF Thread: Bring on the BFPs! - Page 15

[Silverbird]

Hi all,

Hope I don't miss anyone, I've not looked back too far.

Debhoura: I'm so sorry you've had a horrid week.  Nothing to offer but virtual

Deportivo: Welcome.  I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time with this.  Although I haven't had a miscardige I feel in a very similar postition.  My SIL in pregant and must have got pregant exactly at the time I had my faIled IVF.  They didn't tell me with any senstivity.  Luckily MIL is being very senstive.  It is hard there are no two ways about it.  I sometimes feel very bitter too.  I'm really impressed with you buying baby things, wish I had the guts to do that.  As for what to do there is no magic answer. I really try and avoid pregant women as much as possible.  Although it's very hard I try to tell people that I find it hard.  I haven't told everyone I'm trying again so if they don't know I'll say something like "dh and I were on the IVF waiting list when he died and I find it hard to be around pregant women".  I most defintly wouldn't go to a baby shower if your not pregant.  Thankfully this is something we are spared in Britian.  So I hope there is some comfort in knowing that many of struggle with the same thing.

rcr: glad your working your way towards some new treatment.  Hope the time passes fast till your next appoinmnet.

Hope: thats an amazing number of eggs and fertilization! Got everything crossed for you.

Saphrons: congrats on your twins.

Praying: congrats on the heart beat!

Blue and Aura: hope your both well.  Blue your on meds for your next FET is that right? Hope it goes well.

AFM: Spent this weekend ill with another tummy bug.  Why do I only seem to get well for a couple of days at a time? Anyway just keeping very busy till my next appoinmnet so apologies if I'm not about much.  Made some vegan oreos today which were nice but not really fiddly to make.  Wish I could by them here!  Got some more accupture yesturday which helped me feel better.  My accupturist is v good and very knowlegable about IVF.

[deborahbgkelly]

Still a work in progress, but new items and pictures added. In case anyone missed the link, here it is: https://plus.google.com/photos/112949134437985540063/albums/5728346470249451905.

[deborahbgkelly]

Still a work in progress, but new items and pictures added. In case anyone missed the link, here it is: https://plus.google.com/photos/112949134437985540063/albums/5728346470249451905.

[deportivo4]

Silverbird- thank you. It means so much that you respond to my mental outburst. Really it is just nice to hear from someone that has been through trials and tribulations. Thank you for validating my thoughts on not going to SIL's baby shower. Its easier to take, rather than from someone I know couldn't possibly know what I am going through. I find it just makes it worse.

Yeah like basically, there is no way of me getting around being jealous of SIL.

I wish non of us had to grow through any of this, but yes it is a comfort to me to know I am not alone. The success stories help me to keep going.

So, looking forward to following this thread.

[hope4light]

deport - I'm sorry that you're having a rough go of it!  I think it is absolutely normal to be feeling this way given the circumstances.  I agree with Silver - I wouldn't go to her baby shower.  I avoided them like the plague when I was TTC#1.  I honestly don't know if it would be different this time around, but since everyone had their firsts (and seconds) while I was still trying for #1 I don't think I'll have to worry about it.  I think you're a strong woman, buying baby stuff and maternity clothes.  I think that's a show that you're keeping the faith, and that's a good thing!!  On the empty shell of a woman thing - I think most of us have been there.  It's SO hard, but just keep some hope, try to allow yourself to do things that are NOT TTC related, and take care of yourself.  This too shall pass.

deborah - that doesn't sound like fun at all!!  I'm sorry that happened, it really sucks. 

Silver - glad to see you!!   I'm sorry that you were sick again, it does seem like you've been sick a LOT.  Seriously, can you not get oreos there?  Or specifically vegan oreos?? 

AFM - still waiting on the call from the embryologist this morning, so I'll update again after I hear back from her.  Took the first PIO shot last night, it wasn't TOO bad, just hurt when it was going in.  I did hot compress and walked around, swung my leg back and forth (which was funny because little girl was still up and mimicking me swinging my leg - it was hilarious!).  It was a little sore but not too bad.  DH had a harder time giving the shot, he was really grossed out by it, so I hope he's able to make it with giving me a shot every night!!!

[rcr]

Hi all:

I am just going to do a quick AFM. I got a call this morning that DHs DNA sperm analysis was :"excellent" The DNA fragmentation was 9%. I was kinda hoping that it would come back bad, because I wanted to try with my own eggs and donor sperm. He is less attached to having a genetic connection than I am - a lot less. I guess that means that the problem is my eggs. I am pretty bummed about that. I was hoping to try with my own eggs again, but now I don't know if that makes sense at all - with two cycles of nearly zero fertilization. I am excited to get a second opinion (and third!) next Tuesday. Maybe they will have some good news. Or I guess if they both agree that donor eggs are the way to go, maybe I can feel ok about that decision. 
 

[hope4light]

rcr - I'm sorry that it came back good, although I feel strange saying that.  But I know what you mean - if it had come back bad that would mean chances were slimmer that it was your eggs.  I'm sending you big hugs,  can't wait to hear what the other 2 RE's say next week!!

AFM - The embryologist called, out of the 16 eggs that fertilized there are 15 that are still growing and dividing that look pretty good.  Out of the 15 there are 8 that look really good, at 4 cells or more already.  There is 20% or less fragmentation, which is what they expect to see.

So, transfer is tomorrow, she said they've been leaning more towards day 3 transfers lately.  I'm OK with that, as the best place is back in my body.  So I have to be there by 11:30 with that nice full bladder.  Please keep me in your thoughts, I'm simultaneously scared to death of it not working and hopeful, just knowing that it will work. 

[Vegan Princess]

Hope4light: Great progress report! Good luck tomorrow! Will you be doing bed rest?

RCR: I'm sorry the results don't give you much hope for having success with your own egg. But in the end it is good that one of you can have that bio connection if things weren't to work out with using your eggs. Although, would you be jealous of that connection? I suppose using donor embryo can remove that. But I would imagine that after carrying the baby, you would likely still have a stronger connection to it than your DH! I hope your consults go well! Hurry up and get here 24th!

Cindy

[deportivo4]

hope4light- Thank you so much for responding to my struggle right now. Advice from everyone right now is just invaluable. From the start I have really been pressured to go to this baby shower. And, I am not really sure why no one would understand that I may not want to attend the baby shower of my SIL. It just kind of seems a little insensitive to me, to not even really give me the option. Since I have found out that SIL was pregnant up until now, I have been really plagued with my own lack of ability to cope with my circumstances.

Everyone is so excited about SIL's pregnancy that they have completely bull dosed me over with it. So, many times I wish I could have crawled into a hole and just die. I have felt so terrible, guilty, and questioned my sanity. I have cringed when DH's grandmother rubs her belly in front of me at dinner! Made us bring her stroller back from Florida. Even made us go to Babies-R-Us with them to get the stroller!

 I can't take it anymore and I don't know why I even have just not said anything. Now more than ever, feeling like a failure. She is almost near the end of her pregnancy, and I can't stand to even think about it right now. I don't want to hear about anymore of her pregnancy, I can't cope with that!

As far as buying baby things. DH even told me to not take the package off anything in case we have to take things back. That made me feel terrible that he said that. It really is just the only way I can think of right now for me to cope with this. So, I am going to muster up the courage to say no to this baby shower. Also to just stick up for myself. People can be so insensitive and more than anything my entire family has been completely insensitive to me.

I can't do it anymore, I should have said no from the start. And not made it ok for everyone to ignore my feelings.

[auraleigh]

deportivo, i'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  two of my best friends just had babies, and i've wrestled with these feelings myself.  i cried when each of them told me they were pregnant (privately, later).  and i cried throughout their pregnancies, and when their babies were born.  what i try to remember is that although i'm having a really hard time, i also want to celebrate my friends. i'm sure your SIL is so excited for her baby that she didn't consider how you may be feeling.  but i don't think your family is trying to be malicious, they are just focusing on the happy instead of maybe taking a step back and being more reserved around you.  if you can find a way to be supportive to your SIL, then do it.  but if it's too painful, i'd just make an excuse and quietly back out.   and although the depression is sometimes debilitating, there will be so many positive things on the horizon.  hopefully the testing will reveal exactly what the issue is, and it can then be resolved.  one day at a time!

rcr, sorry for the disappointment over the SA.  before we started we knew the issue was with my DH, and it was so much easier to feel good about things because it "wasn't my fault".  and then once we realized with perfect donor sperm that i actually have egg issues too... well, i know how you feel.  wait and see what the dr has to say before you make any plans, you never know.  but also know that any baby would be lucky to have you as a mom, biological or not.  

silver, hope you're feeling better!  what specifically does your acupuncturist do that you love? any spots she focuses on?  i'm always curious as i have only ever been to my one acupuncturist, so i don't know what is common or unusual.  

hope, this all sounds great!! we will be thinking of you tomorrow! get rest, think happy thoughts, and let us know what you wind up putting in tomorrow!

saphrons, hooray for twins!

afm, i got a call today from my RE.  she said she was walking by the receptionist desk and saw that i had requested my files, and wanted to check in on me.  i felt really weird at first, like i had been caught doing something sneaky.  but she was so sweet, asked who i was going to go see, said she respected my decision since i gone through two ivfs with them.  i explained that this is possibly my last shot at ivf covered by insurance, and that i just wanted to see what another doctor who specialized in pcos had to say.  she recommended columbia, because she came from there before she went to my clinic, but they are pretty tough about taking insurance, and i have heard such great things about SIRM.  she kept saying that columbia was amazing for male factor, but i think at this point we've already cancelled out using dh's sperm.  not only is the retrograde ejaculation an issue, but he's 42, has diabetes, and a strong family history of diabetes.  since we've already made the decision to use donor sperm, i think trying his again would be like moving backwards.  in any case, she was glad i was going to see a doctor in nyc, and told me to keep in touch because they would love to hear from me, regardless of who is the dr to get me pregnant.   she even left her office to make sure that the receptionist had my records ready for me to pick up, which i thought was sweet.  i will go tomorrow to get them before work.  i'm nervous to read it, but it will be good to have all the details so i can obsessively google every number!  

[deportivo4]

auraleigh- Yes, of course I don't think they are trying to be malicious around me. SIL and I are not that close. We have never been very close to begin with. She is of course pre-occupied with her own feelings of being pregnant and what that untiles. And yes actually I have been supportive of her, that is why it kind of hurts a lot that no one has stopped to consider my feelings. People can be ignorant in general, and its not just that they are being excited and happy. Its that some of the things that have been said to me have been obviously ignorant and hurtful. Things that most people could figure out not to say to someone dealing with fertility issues.

I don't know how I would feel if I were in her shoes I have never been in that position before. Since I know that nothing I could do or say or not do, would ever put a damper on her happiness. And I know that I am on the verge of losing my sanity and possible having a mental breakdown at times. I am not sure why people seem to be concerned about her needing support and worrying that she would need my assistance. In my position, the only one I can see with not enough support or understanding is me.

I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings and that is how I am dealing with that. She, should be able to understand and everyone should understand me not being able to make it to her baby shower. I have already endured a lot and done a lot to be helpful to her and support her. I need to make sure that I keep my own sanity.

In the grand scheme of things. She will endure pregnancy for 9mths. I have already had a painful journey so far and may continue, so it is better if I take care of myself.

Right now I am doing my best to avoid PIL and SIL, it may not last long but at least I can process. Believe me I am sure she probably wouldn't even notice me trying to avoid things.

[prayinghard]

Aura:  Your RE sounds so wonderful.  I am glad that she was so understanding.  Get your chart but don't drive yourself crazy.  Dr. Google knows just enough to be dangerous.  Can't wait to hear what SIRM has to say.

Saphrons:  Twins!  That is awesome news!!!!!  Congratulations!

Silver:  My, you have been sick a lot lately.  I am so sorry.  I really hope that you are feeling better now.  Happy to hear that you are so satisfied with your accupuncturist.  That must be making you feel better.

Hope:  Awesome fertilization report.  I will be thinking of you tomorrow.  Wishing you the very best.  Let us know how it went when you feel up to it! 

RCR:  I am sorry that the sperm analysis did not have the results that you were looking for.  I am happy to hear that you are ok with the decision you have made and are ready to  move forward.  You deserve some smooth sailing!

Deport:  Your situation sounds like a very difficult one.  I know many of my friends were pregnant as I was TTC #!.  They talked about it all the time, but they did not know that I was struggling.  However, I still could not blame them.  Your situation is so horrible, and I am sorry for that.  But your SIL is experiencing a very happy and wonderful thing and does have a right to be happy and excited about it.  If they are saying things that are purposefully cruel then you need to speak up and tell them that they are being hurtful.  As for the baby shower, I agree with completely with Arua.  If you can go, and be supportive, you should try to do that.  If you can't handle it or it will be too painful, make an excuse and bow out gracefully.  A headache always works as a great excuse.

AFM:  Threw up for the first time this morning.  I was eating lunch and just started to not feel good.  Within minutes, getting quite ill.  After, I felt fine again and actually finished my half piece of toast.  Weird!  I was never nauseous, let alone vomit with DS.  Oh well, as long as the baby is healthy, I will troop on!  Getting a little thick around the middle.  Too thin to look pregnant, yet too think to look thin!    I am sure it won't be long though.  Hoping to hide the pregnancy until results of amnio in.  Hid it with DS until 6.5 months.  Don't think I am going to have that luxury this time.  For a healthy baby, it is worth every pound!

[deportivo4]

prayinghard- Did I say that she doesn't have a right to be excited about it or happy! I don't remember ever saying that. Really, I have just been venting here. And looking for some understanding from my perspective. No one needs to worry that I will ruin my SIL's happiness or her excitement. I bought her a some really nice baby things for christmas and have been very graceful in the way that I have handled it. I do not plan on handling myself inappropriate. I have a good right to feel the way that I do. I don't know if because I am upset that you are having this image of me bursting into her baby shower and ruining things for her. I would never do that!

Yes, their are many excuses that I can use. With one of my friends I told her that I wasn't feeling well. In this case I am just going to choose to explain to her what is going with us.

I think there is a bit of a misunderstanding between the fact that I was venting to everyone her about my feelings. How I will handle going to her baby shower. Like silver and hope4light said, they wouldn't attend the baby shower either.

My feelings about this don't have anything to do with her being happy at all. I would be jumping over the moon if I could be pregnant. And speaking up for myself yes that is exactly what I am doing. It is tricky, tricky subject.

I don't see how It would not be understandable that I just do not want to be so involved in her pregnancy and having PIL involve me so much with her pregnancy? I already made up my mind that I will give her the letter I wrote. Then I will go from there.

[blueyezz4]

Oops... just realized when I clicked on the website here that I forgot to hit the submit button last night after i typed it.  So i'm going to post this from last night and then i'll post a updated one.  I think I must have been really tired last night.

Deborah - for some reason your link doesn't work. (either one)

Silver - sorry to hear you are sick again!!!  Sure hope you get better and stay healthy!!!!  Yes, i am on meds now for our last FET.  I think it will be set for May 18th but we will see for sure.

Saphrons - congrats on the twins!!!!  So excited for you!!!

Hope - fingers crossed for your next phone call update.  Keep us posted!!

rcr - hope the time goes fast and your appt goes well.  Keep us posted.

Depor- sorry to hear about what is going on right now.  I know it is hard but I just wanted to at least send you some hugs IF sucks and is just not fair what so ever.

Aura - how are you?

Hi to everyone else that I missed.  Off to bed.  I think my FET is scheduled for May 18th and I'll have my intralipid treatment on May 11th if all goes well.  Nothing else going on here.... just working a bunch.

[blueyezz4]

Deportivo4-  Does all of your family and friends know about your struggles w/ IF and about the losses that you have had????  I know people that have known about our heartaches are more supportive or sensitive after they found out about our story and struggles.  I don't know if i remember reading if you had told your family and friends your whole story or not, which is why I asked.  I think if you wrote your SIL a note about how you were feeling she would totally understand you missing the shower.  Good luck!!

Praying - nausea is a good sign of a healthy babe!!!! 

Aura - awww.... how sweet of your RE to call you.  How awkward though!!!!!  I think you handled it great and I'm so excited for you to go to a SIRM facility.  I can't wait for you to start your cycle!!!!!

Hope - good luck tomorrow!!!!!  Fingers crossed for you and i know all will go well.  Does your RE require you do do any bedrest or no??  Keep us posted.  How many are you putting back in?  2?

rcr - sorry you didn't get the results you had kinda hoped for in a way.  Keeping my fingers crossed that your appts go well and maybe you get some answers you weren't expecting.  Keep us posted.

AFM - Those of you that have been on lupron have you noticed an increase in your appetite?  I've been so hungry lately and it is kinda annoying.  I wasn't even this hungry when I was on prednisone for a month. Okay, i think i'm up to date now!!!!  Now i have to post this before I go to bed so i don't find it tomorrow night like I did the last post.  Hope everyone is well!!!
 

[deportivo4]

blueyezz4- When I was having my losses I had spent a lot of time at work. Both started while I was at work. I told my friends at work about my pregnancies when I was pregnant. Back over three yrs ago, DH told my SIL's husband when it happened. Since I found out SIL was pregnant. Well it is a long story as to why it is just difficult with this situation. I am sure it would be easier if me and SIL naturally got along before this. I would have just opened up to her and told her myself me struggling. Basically, I asked DH to tell PIL about what happened because of some of the things they were saying to me. I was just getting so upset. FIL would say things like 'don't have kids' to me etc. So he did, and the insensitivity did not stop at all. FIL would still mention things like me being on birth control and things like that. When judging by how many times I have been pregnant, it should be pretty obvious I am not on birth control. Or he would say things like I should just be happy to have my dog! It's a long story. I only started to come and join this thread. Now more than anything I sound like a hag( i really am not though).

Don't we all go through our ugly moments with IF. DH was feeling bad for me and told his BIL to tell SIL about our situation. However my feeling is that I just wanted to tell her in my own words how I felt. I also expressed to her how I am excited to have a new niece. I love babies, I always have always will. I just let her know that some of the pregnancy stuff is setting off triggers for me.

I would like to explain more but since I am new to the group, I don't want to have anyone judging me. Its a little more complicated than it seems. Anyways, there is no getting around me being jealous. I have outwardly handled things perfectly. I am just inwardly finding it too challenging now that I am struggling more with my IF and she is showing more and there is more excitement going on. Which is completely understandable. I just don't think I should have to be in the middle of it and so involved.

I can't flip this scenario around because of what I have gone through. If I got pregnant now and I new someone else was struggling I would reach out to them. That is of course because of this experience. Regardless of how the scenario is it is better for me to handle the situation so my feelings of jealousy do not get out of control.

If I were left alone, I would do fine but I can't avoid her forever. So, maybe she will understand how I feel about the baby shower, or maybe she will not. If she doesn't, there isn't much else I can do. The reason I feel I should tell her now in my own words, is because this might go on to be yrs before I get pregnant or maybe a yr or even months after the birth of her daughter. I will still be struggling with this. 

[deportivo4]

And my family don't live anywhere close to me nor are they offering any support whatsoever.

I am going to start reading my book tomorrow, Excited to pick it up. Waiting for Daisy, about one women's extensive struggle and search to have her one child. Should be good. Be good to get to read someone else' s crazy thought as apposed to just my own lol.

[deportivo4]

Originally Posted by prayinghard 

that.  But your SIL is experiencing a very happy and wonderful thing and does have a right to be happy and excited about it.    

 I am not complaining about her and her happiness. I am sorry if it sounded that way. I am just overwhelmed with what my role has been and how I have been put in a position to be more involved and a part than I am prepared for.

Being pregnant is an amazing experience. Speaking from experience, I would do anything to be pregnant again. And I would expect anyone that is pregnant to be very happy.

So far I have been very supportive of her and told her how excited we are for her expecting. For Christmas I bought her baby gifts and a note saying how happy we are for her. What I bought; Eddie Bauer snuggle chair(mobile,vibrates, sings songs etc.), a plush toy blanky, receiving blankets, diapers and wipes. I have asked her how she is doing with her pregnancy and talked to her about some issues.

We never were close but, I have gone out of my way to try to be more outgoing with her. Her personality is pretty stiff and she is very not too outwardly friendly.

So, the jealousy thing. How could I not be. The happiness thing, I don't expect her to sulk when I am around.Never would I think that she shouldn't be anything but thrilled to expect her new daughter. Her baby shower is more about me being overwhelmed with the entire experience. Everyone is going there for her, as they should. Also to look at it another way, I don't think that she needs me to be there and be overwhelmed or have a hard time.

I don't know how I would be but there is a possibility of someone saying something and me feeling overwhelmed or not prepared emotionally to handle that.I will get her baby a gift and send it to her if I don't go.

She should be able to be happy and excited I agree with you completely. But I also think that I should have the right to experience the feelings I have and exclude myself from certain involvement that may be overwhelming. It is just a delicate issue, and I don't think I should be expected to be overjoyed all the time and talk about all her doctors appointments and all of it at dinner with PIL, even when she is not there.

I have been at a week point lately, and what I had really meant to say, is I am going to put some distance between myself and SIL plus PIL. I think that is my right to feel whatever feelings I have as well. This can be one of the most heartbreaking scenarios a women can go through. Always, I cry by myself and before with DH. I am not crying to her. I am just telling her I have feelings. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. She doesn't know how things are from my own words. She could understand or maybe not. It isn't the end of the world. I have gone out of my way to put myself out there and be supportive. Pregnant women need all the support they can get, I get that. I have been put in the position where I either need some understanding too or I need a lot more space from them.

so that's it, I am not trying to take her happiness away from her.

[rcr]

Blue - I am making an appointment with Dr. Sher. Hopefully I can do it on Tuesday (waiting to hear back), because that would cover three different REs in one day. I wonder if they will all say different things, or if it will be conclusive that I need to move on to donor eggs. In any case, I am so looking forward to Tuesday. About your question about being hungry - no, I don't think I got that.

Deport - Sorry. My jeallousy comes and goes. Right now I am at a place where I can feel better about people getting pregnant. If you need space from her, that is what you need. I felt the same way many times - everybody has, probably.

Aura - that is nice of your RE. I just got my records (for SIRM) too. I told them that I am looking for a place to do donor eggs quickly, since they have a 6 month wait time. That is not exactly the truth, but they believed it and were cool with it. Reading my records was funny because they have notes from every phone call in there. When I was pissed that they canceled my cycle after starting me on BCP, there was a note that said "just let her vent..." In my original records it said "a bit too much wine" hah! It was also really interesting to look at DHs sperm analysis, which has changed drastically.

Vegan - yes, I am afraid I would be jeallous of a genetic connection with DH. I could get over it, but yea, there is that feeling right now.

Hope - how are you?

AFM - wow, there are a lot of forms to fill out for new REs. I wish they had a universal form, because I am going to three appointments  (probably all in the same day), and all want an extensive history, plus my records. I spent last night filling out Dr. Sher's form. This weekend I am going to fill out the other two.

[deborahbgkelly]

Blue- that's very strange because others haven't had any trouble.  Try again? https://plus.google.com/photos/112949134437985540063/albums/5728346470249451905?authkey=CPqWy4P9x8zhGg

If it doesn't work this way I'll upload the new ones, but it's 10 or so new pictures.