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When water is thicker than blood - Page 2

post #21 of 31

My DH and I are both going to carry at the same time(My DH is biologically female/transgendered/ftm.)  We are struggling with this...Wondering if the biological children of each of us will be viewed that way, and not as "ours."  He will be "Daddy" and I will be "Mommy,"  the children will not be the wiser.  But he will grow one of them inside, birth one of them!  I hope that it was o-kay to post this on here.  I am having a hard time finding open-minded people to connect with through out journey!

post #22 of 31
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by ftmswife View Post

My DH and I are both going to carry at the same time(My DH is biologically female/transgendered/ftm.)  We are struggling with this...Wondering if the biological children of each of us will be viewed that way, and not as "ours."  He will be "Daddy" and I will be "Mommy,"  the children will not be the wiser.  But he will grow one of them inside, birth one of them!  I hope that it was o-kay to post this on here.  I am having a hard time finding open-minded people to connect with through out journey!

Hi and welcome!


Do you already have a plan for how you will both get pregnant at the same time? Some people have to try longer than others, but I think closer together would be easier. Will your DH be nursing?


There are a couple of threads about both partners being pregnant together (9 months of PMS plus nausea, fatigue, pain and insomnia times 2 minus a supportive partner is not as fun as it sounds).


Here's a thread. There was another, more recent thread, too. If you read through them you'll get a lot of my story.


I have met two families who did this, but one partner had twins.  Yikes!


I think once you pass infancy you will get fewer questions ("how old are they?" "One!" will get you fewer looks than "Six months and 4 months.") The first few months, if you manage to get them super close, will be very hard physically if you're both recovering. It's an exhausting time (so make plans for food and cleaning, include that in your budget for time off work!).


Sorry this was so incoherent (two babies). If you decide to go that route, this is probably one of the most supportive places you will find.   

post #23 of 31

Interesting thread.  I'm 'mama' and dp is 'baba' ... and when people ask E where her mommy or daddy is, she haughtily informs them that she has a MAMA and a BABA.  

When people ask about how we went about having kids, I say that I carried them.

When referring to my dp with regards to the children, I say, 'their baba' or 'my partner' or 'their other parent.'

I try really hard to refer to us as parents, with equal sway.  As in, "My kids have two parents, myself and my partner" (to adults) or "E & H have two parents, me and their baba" (to kids).

Because dp never wanted to be pregnant and identifies as genderqueer, she is comfortable being nowhere near a mama figure to the children.  She's way more like a dad.  Even E says that my dp is like a daddy. 


We do need new words. 

post #24 of 31

Interesting thread.  My DP has carried one of our kids and I've carried 3 - counting the one in utero, who is biologically my partner's child.  I'm thinking there will be some interesting conversations about that!  Our kids are older than many here and I agree that as they get older people are less focused on biological parenthood.  We live in a town where there are few lesbian couples with kids but local NZ television has featured lesbian parenthood on soap opera in recent years and I think that made a big difference to peoples perceptions of our family.


We are both "Mum" and the kids use our first names if they are after a specific mother!  All the kids are quite vocal about having two mums when asked (or when someone assumes  they have a dad) and I don't think anyone has ever asked them who carried who.


This many years down the track both DP and I do not feel there is a difference between our relationships depending on biology / pregnancy or not.  Our first was born by emergency c-section at  28 weeks, I was critically ill and unconscious at the time.  DP accompanied him to neonates, named him and made all the health care decisions, with full support of medical staff even though the law then gave her no legal rights.  (Now she has equal rights and we've had the birth certs reissued with both our names present).  I think that initiation to parenthood and the fear of losing him made her feel absolutely an equal parent.


My long 2c!



post #25 of 31

I think there are so many different types of families out there.  My husband is FTM and I carried our first DS with a KD and am trying for the 2nd with KD's husband so our kids will not be 100% genetic to each other and will not be genetically related to their Dad though he is so clearly their dad. . for us the most important thing was that we are honest with our children.  I think kids can accept almost anything except finding out that they were mislead or had info withheld from them.  I know in some ways DH would have liked to just be dad clear and simple but our lives are not clear and simple and we chose KDs for a reason bc we love them and wanted our kids to be able to know their genetic strain. I know that is not right for everyone, totally not saying it's a better choice, just what was better for us.  We are still not sure how to start all these conversations because DH is just Dad, and for a 18 month old there is not real other conversation that is possible yet but we will def have one at some point!  

post #26 of 31

It is nice to read of all your journeys.  I am still struggling with whether or not we are "queer."  As my partner is male, takes male hormones, has had top surgery.  He fully identifies as male.  He does, however, have female biology.  He never had any desire to grow a child inside, however, he did always want to be a parent.  He now has a strong desire to grow a child inside as well.  We joke that it is my insane desire to get pregnant rubbing off on him.  Once our children are born.  I will be "mommy" and my partner will be "daddy."  He only will be pregnant this one time.  Any other pregnancies will just be for me.  So we will not have any reason to tell the babies whom grew inside of whom.  We have decided that we will not.  We will both equally parent each child :)

post #27 of 31
Hello! I've been pretty pleased by how easily people have accepted my DP as an equal parent to me, although she is still put out by the fact that our daughter looks enough like me that people comment on it constantly (she doesn't not resemble DP, particularly, and if you see them together without me she easily looks like she could be her genetic mom. When I'm there, though, everyone thinks she looks just like me). Even our elderly relatives don't seem to stumble over the fact that there are two moms very much--I think that if people are willing to be polite long enough to see you both parenting the children, it becomes pretty obvious to all but the most willful that you are both the parents. It may be that there's enough adoption in my family, though, that everyone is more comfortable with non-bio family ties.
I wonder if it might be easier for you to pull off not telling anyone that your DH carried if you have the babies one at a time. Especially if they end up being more than a day or two apart (and even then, twins with different birthdays are going to want to know what happened) you'll probably get lots and lots of questions from everyone. Seraf can tell you more, obviously, but even when they were here visting for a couple days there were lots of people wondering how they ended up with one big baby and one little one (questions about how they both managed to be so amazingly cute and charming remain an enigma to this day). There are lots of resources over at colage.org for both parents and kids that might be helpful.
Good luck with TTC!
post #28 of 31
Thread Starter 
I have relatives (I hear) who are twins, but about 2 months apart. They did a c-section and took the baby who was unwell and left the other one to cook for the res of the term. This was decades ago, I don't know that it would happen like that now.

Isa is right, we are questioned anytime we meet new people. I think that will settle down once they are both walking, but they look very different (and our oldr is huge for his age, the younger tiny. People will probably assume they are 9 months apart soon). We know another family with foster children who are two months apart and they seem to be questioned a lot, too. People are not shy about questioning where our children came from.
post #29 of 31

Hey ftmswife,  I think you guys fit here because queer parenting encompasses transgender parenting.  I think a male carrying a baby fits within queer parenting.  I wanted to say that I am very surprised you would now tell your kids about their biology (assuming your partner is not going to be carrying your egg), personally I think that is information children are entitled to have about their origins.  My partner and I are both mummies so are not walking your experience but while the kids don't focus on who carried whom we do see it as their genetic heritage and information they are entitled to.  We feel the same way about the sperm used to create them and so would only use a donor who was willing to be known (all 4 have the same donor).  I know not everyone in this community feels this way though.


prettyisa, my parents have embraced our family but my Dad said that I would feel differently about my non-bio child.  I think it took him about 10 seconds to get over that.  My 80 year old grandfather held my non-bio child tenderly for four hours the night he was born and said "Look, he's got my fingers" - biology forgotten instantly!  Our not accepting in-laws now comment frequently about how lovely our children are for "not being smacked"  - slightly different world view all around there!



post #30 of 31

Oh I also wanted to add to this thread that I think people end up just viewing the children as yours plural yours.  My sister and her DW each carried a child and no one thinks about them as one belonging to one and one to the other though each child def looks more like the parent who carried.  I think of the your child or mine disappears pretty quickly once they are here and you are up all night and people see them and hold them and love them.  DH's dad said something hurtful before DS was here about it not really being his grandchild and now he is so in love with him that it seems like a world ago. . So many things change when the babies are actually in this world.  I also asked DH about this and he had a thought that it was important for him to pass on the facts because he did not want to pass on the idea to our children that being FTM had any shame around it and saying that the info should be kept secret, even if it was just to say you are both ours equally could confuse kids.  And thinking about if you would have pictures of either of you pregnant or in the hospital giving birth or anything, to have to hide all of that could be stressful. .Anyway, just some thoughts, I think in the end everyone is entitled to your own life, your own opinions, and your own way of dealing with your family because you are living it and no one else so please know I am not judging just carrying on the conversation. . i think there is so little talk about so many issues around being trans and parenting that it's nice to be able to converse around them. . and even in general about having different bio parents, different configurations of families, etc. . so I am enjoying all the different thoughts!  

post #31 of 31

I carried our daughter who is genetically related to my partner. She calls both of us mama and mom (often she uses the plural 'mamas' to address us both at the same time).  To differentiate between us, my partner is mommy and I am mutti (german for mommy).  We've had no problem coming up with names for ourselves, but we can't figure anything out for our known donor.  We used a friend as a known donor, and we are still unable to come up with a name for him. Does anyone have any names for known-donors? 

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