I left my son's bio-dad when I was 5 months pregnant, and he hasn't been in our lives since.
We met my current and most awesome husband when my son was almost 2yo.
My son (9) refers to dh as "my dad", but uses his name when speaking to him.
I am, for all practical purposes, the boss and final decision-maker in my house.
They started getting into pretty intense arguments about a year ago. Ds does get very rude and disrespectful. Dh says things he shouldn't that make his love sound conditional. Ds loses his temper too quickly. I see them equally right in why they get upset, and equally guilty of not dealing with it the right way. But, at the end of the day, dh is the adult and I have to side with ds.
It got really bad a month ago and I took an extreme measure by basically separating them for a week. They couldn't be in the same room or speak directly to each other. This meant that I was having two dinners (so that neither would eat alone - since it's just the 3 of us). It did work in that it was a sad week, they missed each other, and were did much better at not fighting over the following week, but it didn't last long.
I have said to both of them that I will not live amidst fighting, and that I rather we live apart than live with all this yelling and drama, and I mean it. Dh is a wonderful guy and we are best friends. My son is an amazing boy. I don't understand why they can't try harder to get along. They push each other's buttons and explode so quickly that there's often not enough time to stop it before it gets to tears.
I get angry with dh because sometimes he really could just let go and not make it escalate into a fight.
He is quick to recognize his mistakes, but he's not very good at preventing them.
I know I haven't let him completely be DAD, and that if I had maybe this wouldn't be happening.
Would this be different if he was the biological dad?
What do I do now?