But at home the rules change. My 11 year old pushes my 8yo's buttons allll the time. She does things under the radar like whispers or makes faces as I am giving the 8yo a stern talk about something. She says "yeah" if I remind my little one to lower her volume, or remind her to do some forgotten housework. She screams horribly if I send the 8yo into her room to get a clean pair of socks if she is out of them. Other times my 11 year old can be so sweet and will patiently help her with understanding a math problem, or read to her, or make her a craft. I can never tell if she's going to be nice or not in a given moment.
My 8yo is very very loud, sometimes on purpose to annoy my 11 yo who has some sensory issues left over from early childhood before she was dx with Celiac and got much better. My 8yo had major medical issues as a baby/toddler including a feeding tube and lots of vomitng, and she still has anger issues from that and we are working on them. She is generally very sweet and gets frustrated when she is trying so hard to control her anger and her sister keeps pushing her buttons. She will shout stop over and over and then lash out sometimes physically at the older one. She will invite my 11yo to her room to play but then kick her out in a fit of anger if the 11 year old does not follow her play rules.
They fight over space at the sink when brushing their teeth. They fight over calling the dog to themselves and will confuse the poor dog. I have tried numerous things to touch on their compassionate side, remind them of having space if they need it, and I have read Sibs without Rivalry which has helped but not that much. Dh and I dread the time when all of us are home from school and work because it is a very bad environment to be in at times, and its impacting our own peace of mind and relationship.
What are some ideas on how to make this better?? I know some sib fighting is normal but this is really intolerable. My youngest tells me a lot she wishes she was not born into this family.