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Mothering › Groups › November 2012 Due Date Club › Discussions › Advice for telling my brother and sister-in-law....

Advice for telling my brother and sister-in-law....

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

Hi all! I'm seeking the advice of you lovely ladies on how to deal with a delicate situation. I'm 5w2d pregnant with my second child and haven't told anyone except my partner and doctor. I'm already having anxiety about telling my brother and his wife as they have had infertility issues. They've been married for 5 years and have been trying to have a baby almost the entire time. They've been through 3 or 4 rounds of IVF with no success (although the last procedure was last month so there's a possibility that they are pregnant and just haven't said anything to anyone since it would be pretty early). This pregnancy was not planned (we're not married; we're not even living together yet), however it's an amazing surprise that we're very excited about. I know my brother's wife will feel hurt because when one of her unmarried friends got pregnant (twice, she miscarried the first time), she made many snide remarks about how it's not fair, etc. I can't imagine what it's like for them and if I could change places with them, I would. How would you suggest I break the news to them? Should I contain my excitement or just be normal? I don't want to say the wrong thing. Thanks, everyone!


Edited by laurasim77 - 3/21/12 at 7:23am
post #2 of 6

As a person who was TTC for 6 years I know I prefer not to hear the news in person.  Although I am always happy for my friends and family that are expanding their family, my first reaction to a pregnancy is to cry. It seems selfish but it is involuntary really. When my one friend told me she was preggo in person I really tried to maintain but it was obvious I was visibly upset and our friendship has never been the same.  I prefer either an email or a phone call so I can take the news in on my own time.

I would recommend maybe acknowledging your sympathy for their situation when you tell them. 

 

Good luck and remember those hurt, angry and unfair feelings aren't directed towards you but to the fertility struggle itself.

 

Peace

post #3 of 6
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by asteph View Post

As a person who was TTC for 6 years I know I prefer not to hear the news in person.  Although I am always happy for my friends and family that are expanding their family, my first reaction to a pregnancy is to cry. It seems selfish but it is involuntary really. When my one friend told me she was preggo in person I really tried to maintain but it was obvious I was visibly upset and our friendship has never been the same.  I prefer either an email or a phone call so I can take the news in on my own time.

I would recommend maybe acknowledging your sympathy for their situation when you tell them. 

 

Good luck and remember those hurt, angry and unfair feelings aren't directed towards you but to the fertility struggle itself.

 

Peace


Steph, thank you so much for your advice. I was wondering if telling them via phone or email would be best. I know if it were me, I would want the opportunity to process it on my time, in my own way. I want to avoid the awkwardness of telling them in person and having them feel like they have to be happy when I know they will more than likely be crushed as anyone in that situation would be. And your last sentence really helps put things in perspective, thank you.

post #4 of 6

My best friend is unable to have children, and it is something she REALLY struggles with. I have had to tell her twice now that I am pregnant (the last time I miscarried). The first time I told her I was so nervous about telling her I didn't know what to do.  I knew she would want to know right away, because honesty is a HUUUGE thing for her, and for our friendship, but at the same time, I didn't want to go bouncing over there all excited and have her feel like I was being flippant about getting pregnant (at the time - unexpectedly, which definitely makes it worse for her).  I was completely freaked out, so I grabbed a smoothie to bring her as an excuse, knocked on her door, handed her the smoothie, said "I'm pregnant, I'm SORRY!" and burst into tears.... probably not the best way to handle it!  She was very supportive and kind, even though I know it brought up a lot of issues for her with her own fertility.  She did make a point to tell me (since openness and honesty are so key for us) that the issues she has she can separate with ME because we're close, and she can realize and pinpoint that it is her own feeling of unfairness in her situation that bothers her, not the fact that I am lucky enough to have a baby.  

 

This time around, I was 2 states away (I moved) so I had to call her and tell her.  I was SOOOO nervous.  She actually took it pretty well, and again, was very very supportive.  She has been sending me baby name ideas, and is constantly asking me how I'm feeling.  I think for *her* just knowing that I am aware and trying to be sensitive to the fact that she can't have babies is enough for her to let go and feel happy for me.  Not sure if that makes sense. 

 

I'm struggling with telling my SIL and BIL too (I'll be 7 weeks tomorrow and feel it is time to let them in on things).  They have had one miscarriage a few years ago and started trying again about 6 mos ago with no luck so far.  Granted 6 mos isn't a lot, but every cycle that doesn't end in a positive test is one that is still really discouraging to her.  

 

My brother is having a baby (found out about 2 weeks before I did), and now I am, and she is the only sibling left that isn't pregnant now.  I kept thinking "she's trying, so I'll wait until she gets a positive to tell her!"  But... what if she doesn't?  I don't want to spring it on her that I've been pregnant for months and hiding it. 

 

It is a tough situation for sure.

post #5 of 6

My sister accidentally got pregnant while DH and I had been TTC for several months. She was hesitant to tell me but did call me 1-2 weeks after she found out. I was very glad she called me instead of telling me in person since I was able to go and process the wave of emotions without the pressure of her being there. I was happy for her but admit I did cry because they were done having kids and could make one so easily without even trying and and DH and I couldn't?!?! I did have to focus on separating my happiness for her and my sadness over my own situation and in the end was at peace with it. I can't say it wasn't hard though but I would never ever have blamed it on her. 

 

BTW, I became pregnant the very next month. Our babies are exactly 1 month apart and it has been so fun! smile.gif

post #6 of 6
Thread Starter 

greenmama and sere, thank you both as well for your advice! I'm still having anxiety about telling them but I feel better knowing that it'll be a phone call which will allow them to process the news in their own time. I know it's not going to be easy for them but I'm going to do my best to be sensitive to their feelings. Thanks again, everyone, you're all amazing!

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