Advice on messed up situation - Page 2

[Super~Single~Mama]

You can certainly go to the courthouse, but you most likely will not be allowed in the court room. My old state is the same, family court proceedings are considered private, and only the parents are allowed. Or the custodian - if that person is not a parent. Step-parents are not allowed. I don't know if my new state is the same, I'm hoping I don't find out anytime soon (meaning I hope I don't have to go back to court anytime soon).
 

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

for some reason i cant but her parents can i dont understand it myself
 

[queenjane]

Where i live, anyone can go in the courtroom...i mean, i suppose if you had NO reason to be there they would ask you to leave, but people can def. bring a support person. The wife of a parent would be fine, in fact i assume they would be glad the stepparent is taking such an interest. I sat in the courtroom several times before someone finally asked me who i was and why i was there. Then i found out we were supposed to sign in for the clerk.

And that was for the trial, in front of a judge, but the more informal update hearings (which are usually heard by a referree but we had a judge because the bparent requested it) i would imagine are even more open.

[lvingmommy]

I do have to say that those children do not need to go back to the mother because the mother will need extensive mental health after being treated in the way that she had. It can have a dominoe effect and she can pass the effects to the children. Which, it seems, she already has started to. It is very good that the kids were taken.

My brother is fighting for custody of his kids after a child protection agency forced the mother to give them up to the state. She had no choice. She agreed to give them up or she would have lost all contact with the kids. As far as we have been informed from social services, lawyer, foster parents, and paperwork with the incidents regarding how the house looked upon inspection, drug abuse, the type of environment they were exposed to (positive atmosphere to promote sexual abuse on children), and suicide attempts, my brother is looking like the better candidate for gaining custody of the children. The mother has a lawyer and is fighting for her kids back but still has to enroll into a rehab and is waiting for a bed. She expects to get the kids back very soon but with these findings and that everything has happened in the past few years. She will need more than a few weeks in rehab for heroine addiction. She will need at least 6 months in rehab in order to recover. She even failed a mental evaluation.

So, just know that he should be able to get the kids but once the mother loses custody of her kids to the state and the father takes custody. It is very hard for the mother to get them back if he has all of his ducks in a row.

[BrascosPrincess]

i learned some new information today via the local newspaper, both she and her boyfriend are formally being charged with 3 counts of endangering the welfare of a child and two counts of leaving a child unattended in a motor vehicle

[BrascosPrincess]

he definately has all of his ducks in a row, we have a three bedroom apartment that we rent, the bedrooms are set up so that my two girls share a room, and we have one set up so that our boys can share a bedroom also, and of course my husband and i have one, my living room is plenty big enough for four children to play, i have a huge yard outside that they can also run and play in, and my kitchen is decent sized but still plenty big enough space to eat as a family of 6. my kids have never been removed from my care, when my oldest daughter was born we did have an open case with the local children services, but that was voluntary because i was interested in a program they had for new parents and wanted to enroll. but other than that we have had absolutely no problem with me  nor my husband. the caseworker i had at that time the very first day she was there to see me i will never forget this day, she looked at me within being in my house for literally two minutes and said, "why am i even here" i know we have nothing to worry about, my house is cleaned up to ten times a day lol the only big mess i ever have is when my kids decide its time to spread toys from one end of my house to the other lol. but that is normal for a 1 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 year old. but they are always picked up when they are done playing with them, with the help of the kids, my 5 month old is a very happy smiley baby, and my girls are also very happy until i say that evil "No" word then it's full blown temper tantrum, but i dont see any reason at all why they would say that he or I am unfit in any way. the only thing i can think of that may go against us is that I am already a stay at home mom to three children under three and I'm only 22. I just hope they don't hold my age against me or my husband.
 

Originally Posted by lvingmommy 

I do have to say that those children do not need to go back to the mother because the mother will need extensive mental health after being treated in the way that she had. It can have a dominoe effect and she can pass the effects to the children. Which, it seems, she already has started to. It is very good that the kids were taken.

My brother is fighting for custody of his kids after a child protection agency forced the mother to give them up to the state. She had no choice. She agreed to give them up or she would have lost all contact with the kids. As far as we have been informed from social services, lawyer, foster parents, and paperwork with the incidents regarding how the house looked upon inspection, drug abuse, the type of environment they were exposed to (positive atmosphere to promote sexual abuse on children), and suicide attempts, my brother is looking like the better candidate for gaining custody of the children. The mother has a lawyer and is fighting for her kids back but still has to enroll into a rehab and is waiting for a bed. She expects to get the kids back very soon but with these findings and that everything has happened in the past few years. She will need more than a few weeks in rehab for heroine addiction. She will need at least 6 months in rehab in order to recover. She even failed a mental evaluation.

So, just know that he should be able to get the kids but once the mother loses custody of her kids to the state and the father takes custody. It is very hard for the mother to get them back if he has all of his ducks in a row.

[queenjane]

I dont think they will hold it against you. The only think i can think of that might look bad is that you said your husband basically hasnt seen the child, doesnt have a relationship with him, because the mother made visitation difficult. No offense to your husband, but i never understood how a parent could just walk away from his child like that, because he doesnt want to deal with the mother. My niece's father had another daughter too and though he paid child support (had to have it taken out of his check), he never fought to see her. I dont get it. On the other hand, the fact that your husband HAS been paying child support will look good. If there is another relative who is closer to the child, and the child doesnt know your husband as "daddy"...they MAY look at them as a possible placement as well....but usually i'd think they'd go with the parent as long as they are a safe resource.

[BrascosPrincess]

the problem with him not fighting more to see his son is that his exgirlfriend would be able to up his child support so much to the point that even if both of us were working, we would not be financially able to take care of the three children that live with us, and after she found out i was pregnant she told him that visitation was done with and that she would make sure he didnt have a chance in hell at ever seeing him again. he has a visitation with his son tomorrow afternoon i am so happy for him, then he will know that his dad does care and has been here all along for him all she ever had to do was call us and we would have been there to get him at the first sign of abusive trouble with her boyfriend she knows that, she knows no matter what she could have called us no matter what time and we would have made sure that he was safe. and i dont see why they would place him with anyone other than his own father because he is a very safe resource or i would not have married him or have had children with him.

 

Originally Posted by queenjane 

I dont think they will hold it against you. The only think i can think of that might look bad is that you said your husband basically hasnt seen the child, doesnt have a relationship with him, because the mother made visitation difficult. No offense to your husband, but i never understood how a parent could just walk away from his child like that, because he doesnt want to deal with the mother. My niece's father had another daughter too and though he paid child support (had to have it taken out of his check), he never fought to see her. I dont get it. On the other hand, the fact that your husband HAS been paying child support will look good. If there is another relative who is closer to the child, and the child doesnt know your husband as "daddy"...they MAY look at them as a possible placement as well....but usually i'd think they'd go with the parent as long as they are a safe resource.

[BrascosPrincess]

and honestly i dont see where it even matters how much he has been allowed to be in his sons life before it was out of his ex's control its not like his son knows the people he was placed with when he entered foster care because he doesn't

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

and honestly i dont see where it even matters how much he has been allowed to be in his sons life before it was out of his ex's control its not like his son knows the people he was placed with when he entered foster care because he doesn't

It probably wont matter to DHS at all. If he's the father and he's safe, he'll likely get the child, end of story. I was just making the point that i hear men all the time say "the ex wont LET me see the kid"...but the ex doesnt controlt he courts. You just said SHE would "up his child support" but again, she isnt control of that. And a man who wouldnt be able to support his first child to the fullest extent might of thought about that before having three more. That being said, this thread isnt about that. I dont know you or your husband and if its better for the child for him to be placed in your home, i sure hope he is placed there, sooner rather than later!

In terms of why it matters how much your dh has seen his son...my only point was if, hypothetically, there was, say an aunt or grandma that saw the boy regularly, babysat him, knows him very well, the argument could be that its a more appropriate placement than an absent father who hasnt seen the child hardly at all in three years. But it doesnt sound like that would apply in your stepchild's case.

How old is the child?

[BrascosPrincess]

he is almost four, nobody has babysat him other than his grandparents that his mother lives with because she doesnt work. and as far as thinking about that before having three more and that its not up to her to up it that far, umm that came from the mediator herself she is the one that said she could get over 400 dollars a month in child support which is a little more than half my rent for the month. and i dont see where it matters that he had three more, i didnt know men weren't allowed to move on and have a family with someone else also, and tbh we only planned on one my other two umm surprised us so its not like we set out to have three more.
 

Originally Posted by queenjane 

It probably wont matter to DHS at all. If he's the father and he's safe, he'll likely get the child, end of story. I was just making the point that i hear men all the time say "the ex wont LET me see the kid"...but the ex doesnt controlt he courts. You just said SHE would "up his child support" but again, she isnt control of that. And a man who wouldnt be able to support his first child to the fullest extent might of thought about that before having three more. That being said, this thread isnt about that. I dont know you or your husband and if its better for the child for him to be placed in your home, i sure hope he is placed there, sooner rather than later!

In terms of why it matters how much your dh has seen his son...my only point was if, hypothetically, there was, say an aunt or grandma that saw the boy regularly, babysat him, knows him very well, the argument could be that its a more appropriate placement than an absent father who hasnt seen the child hardly at all in three years. But it doesnt sound like that would apply in your stepchild's case.

How old is the child?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Child support is based on a percentage of income, its a pretty set percentage, with additional amounts considered for things like childcare when the custodial parent is working, and such. As a single mother who receives child support, $400 is nothing when it comes to the cost of a child - nothing. My ex lies about his income so that he doesn't have to pay as much, and I get $500 right off the bat, PLUS he is required to pay half of daycare, which comes out to $700/month (yes, that is HIS HALF - daycare in my city is the most expensive in the country).

I hope that you and your husband gain custody of his first child, I do. Just don't tell the judge that he traded lower child support payments for involvement. That will NOT fly as a good reason for him not to fight for visitation.
 

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

he is almost four, nobody has babysat him other than his grandparents that his mother lives with because she doesnt work. and as far as thinking about that before having three more and that its not up to her to up it that far, umm that came from the mediator herself she is the one that said she could get over 400 dollars a month in child support which is a little more than half my rent for the month. and i dont see where it matters that he had three more, i didnt know men weren't allowed to move on and have a family with someone else also, and tbh we only planned on one my other two umm surprised us so its not like we set out to have three more.
 

Originally Posted by queenjane 

It probably wont matter to DHS at all. If he's the father and he's safe, he'll likely get the child, end of story. I was just making the point that i hear men all the time say "the ex wont LET me see the kid"...but the ex doesnt controlt he courts. You just said SHE would "up his child support" but again, she isnt control of that. And a man who wouldnt be able to support his first child to the fullest extent might of thought about that before having three more. That being said, this thread isnt about that. I dont know you or your husband and if its better for the child for him to be placed in your home, i sure hope he is placed there, sooner rather than later!

In terms of why it matters how much your dh has seen his son...my only point was if, hypothetically, there was, say an aunt or grandma that saw the boy regularly, babysat him, knows him very well, the argument could be that its a more appropriate placement than an absent father who hasnt seen the child hardly at all in three years. But it doesnt sound like that would apply in your stepchild's case.

How old is the child?

[BrascosPrincess]

what are you talking about with trading lower child support payments for involvement, he never traded anything for involvement, we have been fighting with her for the past three years for him to see his son, just not through the courts, but that doesnt mean he didnt fight it. and i know child support is based on percentage and income, but what i dont understand is why people on here are arguing the fact of his child support payments with me when they werent there to hear what was said
 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Child support is based on a percentage of income, its a pretty set percentage, with additional amounts considered for things like childcare when the custodial parent is working, and such. As a single mother who receives child support, $400 is nothing when it comes to the cost of a child - nothing. My ex lies about his income so that he doesn't have to pay as much, and I get $500 right off the bat, PLUS he is required to pay half of daycare, which comes out to $700/month (yes, that is HIS HALF - daycare in my city is the most expensive in the country).

I hope that you and your husband gain custody of his first child, I do. Just don't tell the judge that he traded lower child support payments for involvement. That will NOT fly as a good reason for him not to fight for visitation.
 

[BrascosPrincess]

he had a visitation with his son today, it went well took him a little while for him to warm up to my husband but the fact that he did in such a short amount of time is a very good sign. Also when he ways saying his goodbyes to his son before he left his son said "I'll see you soon" so coming from a three year old is also a very good sign. The caseworker is going to change his visits from every other week to every week to help with thier bond. The caseworker will be here tomorrow morning to talk with us about visits, do a home inspection, and stuff so im not worried there i know everything will be great. And just so everyone is aware im done discussing his child support, i dont see where that is even relevant in this conversation, all that matters is that he is going to be welcomed with open arms into a very loving home, with his father, stepmother, and siblings, thats all my concern is right now is getting him here where he belongs, not with her psycho alcoholic parents, not with his psycho bitch of an ex, and not with her psycho boyfriend.

[Super~Single~Mama]

The way that parents get visitation with their children is through the courts. That way, it is guaranteed - judges very rarely deny visitation to parents (and only in extreme circumstances!), and if the visitation order is not followed then there are consequences to the custodial parent (which can include losing custody). You said in a post upthread that if you went through court, that the mediator said that the support payments could be $400 - that is why I pointed out that amount is very little when it comes to raising a child.

Bottom line: If you go to court and tell a judge that the reason you didn't pursue visitation through the courts was to avoid having child support payments increased - you're not going to look like the wonderful people you want to be perceived as being. You will still most likely get custody. Because your dh has a fundamental right to parent his child (according to the Supreme Court if you are in the US).
 

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

what are you talking about with trading lower child support payments for involvement, he never traded anything for involvement, we have been fighting with her for the past three years for him to see his son, just not through the courts, but that doesnt mean he didnt fight it. and i know child support is based on percentage and income, but what i dont understand is why people on here are arguing the fact of his child support payments with me when they werent there to hear what was said
 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Child support is based on a percentage of income, its a pretty set percentage, with additional amounts considered for things like childcare when the custodial parent is working, and such. As a single mother who receives child support, $400 is nothing when it comes to the cost of a child - nothing. My ex lies about his income so that he doesn't have to pay as much, and I get $500 right off the bat, PLUS he is required to pay half of daycare, which comes out to $700/month (yes, that is HIS HALF - daycare in my city is the most expensive in the country).

I hope that you and your husband gain custody of his first child, I do. Just don't tell the judge that he traded lower child support payments for involvement. That will NOT fly as a good reason for him not to fight for visitation.
 

 

I'm glad your DH had visitation today, and that it went well. I hope this gets resolved soon.

[BrascosPrincess]

it could have gone up to way more than 400 dollars which is more than it would cost us in a month to just have him live with us, that is why i think it is ridiculous. its not the payments being increased i dont give a damn about that, what i do care about is when he would be paying more child support than what it would cost us extra a month to just have him live with us. that seems extreme to me, and what also seems ridiculous to me is that his would be so high because she refuses to work and that makes him responsible for more money because she refused to get off her ass and do anything because she liked having mommy and daddy wait on her hand and foot. i dont feel its right to make him pay alot more money just based on that she isnt working, when she is more than capable of getting out of in front of the television long enough to go to a job and help support HER child.

 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

The way that parents get visitation with their children is through the courts. That way, it is guaranteed - judges very rarely deny visitation to parents (and only in extreme circumstances!), and if the visitation order is not followed then there are consequences to the custodial parent (which can include losing custody). You said in a post upthread that if you went through court, that the mediator said that the support payments could be $400 - that is why I pointed out that amount is very little when it comes to raising a child.

Bottom line: If you go to court and tell a judge that the reason you didn't pursue visitation through the courts was to avoid having child support payments increased - you're not going to look like the wonderful people you want to be perceived as being. You will still most likely get custody. Because your dh has a fundamental right to parent his child (according to the Supreme Court if you are in the US).
 

I'm glad your DH had visitation today, and that it went well. I hope this gets resolved soon.

[BrascosPrincess]

and i think i would know how much it costs to raise a child. I HAVE THREE!
 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

The way that parents get visitation with their children is through the courts. That way, it is guaranteed - judges very rarely deny visitation to parents (and only in extreme circumstances!), and if the visitation order is not followed then there are consequences to the custodial parent (which can include losing custody). You said in a post upthread that if you went through court, that the mediator said that the support payments could be $400 - that is why I pointed out that amount is very little when it comes to raising a child.

Bottom line: If you go to court and tell a judge that the reason you didn't pursue visitation through the courts was to avoid having child support payments increased - you're not going to look like the wonderful people you want to be perceived as being. You will still most likely get custody. Because your dh has a fundamental right to parent his child (according to the Supreme Court if you are in the US).
 

I'm glad your DH had visitation today, and that it went well. I hope this gets resolved soon.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I thought you were a SAHM? So she has to work to support her kids, but you don't have to? Don't say that in court either. [Although, in reality, when parents don't work, the court will "impute" income to them - how much varies by state - to make it clear that they are required to support their children financially. Again, this is a poor reason for not going to court for visitation, especially since most courts these days completely separate child support and visitation and do not withhold visitation when a parent is under-paying child support.]

Really though, when you have kids with someone - you're stuck with them for life. Stuck with the good, the bad, the ugly, and the REALLY ugly. It sucks, I know - my ex was an abusive asshole who dragged me across the floor by my ankles the day before my 25th birthday - but I'm stuck with him and I'm required to foster a relationship between him and our son. It sucks, I get it. But it is what it is.

But really - your DH is probably going to get custody. How easy it is depends on how likeable he is to the judge and the social workers. The story you're telling about how he didn't want to pay more child support makes him sound like a jerk. I am a single mom, I know that if my ex pulled all that, then told a judge that when trying to get custody, the judge would be FURIOUS. And rightfully so.

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

it could have gone up to way more than 400 dollars which is more than it would cost us in a month to just have him live with us, that is why i think it is ridiculous. its not the payments being increased i dont give a damn about that, what i do care about is when he would be paying more child support than what it would cost us extra a month to just have him live with us. that seems extreme to me, and what also seems ridiculous to me is that his would be so high because she refuses to work and that makes him responsible for more money because she refused to get off her ass and do anything because she liked having mommy and daddy wait on her hand and foot. i dont feel its right to make him pay alot more money just based on that she isnt working, when she is more than capable of getting out of in front of the television long enough to go to a job and help support HER child.

 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

The way that parents get visitation with their children is through the courts. That way, it is guaranteed - judges very rarely deny visitation to parents (and only in extreme circumstances!), and if the visitation order is not followed then there are consequences to the custodial parent (which can include losing custody). You said in a post upthread that if you went through court, that the mediator said that the support payments could be $400 - that is why I pointed out that amount is very little when it comes to raising a child.

Bottom line: If you go to court and tell a judge that the reason you didn't pursue visitation through the courts was to avoid having child support payments increased - you're not going to look like the wonderful people you want to be perceived as being. You will still most likely get custody. Because your dh has a fundamental right to parent his child (according to the Supreme Court if you are in the US).
 

I'm glad your DH had visitation today, and that it went well. I hope this gets resolved soon.

Edited by Super~Single~Mama - 3/29/12 at 5:18am

[BrascosPrincess]

you know what you can quit being a bitch to me any damn time now, i have had enough of it. i am a stay at home mom but i dont look at it like a free fuckin paycheck like she does, thats all his child support his to her is a paycheck for doing nothing and watching her parents take care of her kids. I actually do everything for my kids and dont ask my husband to do shit for me! and if my husband ever put his hands on me like that there would be no way in hell he would ever see my kids again so the fact that you have to deal with him is irrelevent to anything that i even originally posted. he is very likeable and he is not a jerk. but im not discussing his child support any more and im not discussing the past visitation problems hes had with his son. im not sitting here dewlling on the past to get all pissed off over it all over agian, im looking to make the future bright for a child who deserves a loving home instead of a volitle and abusive one. and if that is to much to help with then stay off of my thread.

 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

I thought you were a SAHM? So she has to work to support her kids, but you don't have to? Don't say that in court either. [Although, in reality, when parents don't work, the court will "impute" income to them - how much varies by state - to make it clear that they are required to support their children financially. Again, this is a poor reason for not going to court for visitation, especially since most courts these days completely separate child support and visitation and do not withhold visitation when a parent is under-paying child support.]
Really though, when you have kids with someone - you're stuck with them for life. Stuck with the good, the bad, the ugly, and the REALLY ugly. It sucks, I know - my ex was an abusive asshole who dragged me across the floor by my ankles the day before my 25th birthday - but I'm stuck with him and I'm required to foster a relationship between him and our son. It sucks, I get it. But it is what it is.
But really - your DH is probably going to get custody. How easy it is depends on how likeable he is to the judge and the social workers. The story you're telling about how he didn't want to pay more child support makes him sound like a jerk. I am a single mom, I know that if my ex pulled all that, then told a judge that when trying to get custody, the judge would be FURIOUS. And rightfully so.

[AdinaL]

This thread is closed.  

[lauren]

Some posts were moved due to profanity and personal attack.