How do you think attachment parenting makes kids different (from other kids) as they get older?

[parsley]

I was just reading a series of developmental milestone charts with both my 2 month old babe and my four month old kid in mind.  We have always used attachment parenting with both kids and I can recall that for DD1 this meant that she was a little slower to meet some milestones (never crawled, doesn't sleep through the night) and faster to meet others.  So today I found myself thinking (once again) how these milestones seem to be so culturally specific... and therefore created by the normative parenting behaviors.

I was curious if others who consciously practice attachment parenting have noticed specific patterns of how their kids seem to be different from other kids.   What do you think, are kids who are attachment parented different from other kids?  How?  At what ages did you notice the differences?

For me, both kids had (and have) awesome neck control at a very early age, make eye contact super early, and are quick to follow mom around with their eyes.  DD1 is amazingly empathetic and in tune with others but also alarmed by the idea of kids not be actively cared for (will get upset if a kid is crying in public and the parent doesn't respond, for example).  I've also noticed that my DD is more content with DH and I and less interested in other kids compared to others her age. 

Anyone else?

[cat13]

I'm very curious to read the replies other parents with older children. DH and I are pretty AP, but DS is our first and is only 7 months old, so I can't really draw too many conclusions so far. Although I can say that he learned to crawl at 6 months, wasn't big on extended eye contact until a few months ago, and LOVES watching big kids. So, in that aspect, maybe it's just personality?

I also wonder about this question, because I feel like as parents (whether AP or not) we are often put in positions to have to defend our parenting choices, but I don't want DS to have the pressure of being the perfect kid just to prove that it was "right" for me to choose AP.

[mamazee]

All kids are different and it's hard to know what's due to personality and what would be due to AP. There's nothing about my 10-year-old that I can point to and notice is different from most 10-year-olds due to AP. Same for my 3-year-old. And they both are so different and hit milestones differently - my older one was slow on physical things like crawling and sleeping through the night as well, but was very early as far as speech and some other things go. But then my 3-year-old has all those milestones reversed - early for physical stuff, slower for speech.

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Mine is 19, and there really has never been much of a difference between her and other kids.

SHe was less socially mature than other kids her age, so I kept her out of school for an extra year...but, that probably is just her... she also grew later and slower than other kids.   (plus she was extremely late to get teeth)

Her milestones as a baby and toddler were right on track for normal at that time. 

I did daycare her entire life, so she always had someone here to play with...so, I can't say that she never socialized, but she preferred kids a little younger than herself.  If she was with kids a year older or even closer to her age, she was the follower in the group.

She's always been more capable than other kids her age.  She can handle problems and emergencies better than young people her age....But, I have always expected that of her.  I don't solve problems for children.. I might discuss how it could be solved, but i don't solve it.  

She's not brave or experimental... she watches others first, then maaaybe she'll join.  She didn't make new friends easily.  Her cousin could go into McDonalds and come out five minutes later with three new friends....my daughter would just watch, and never try to make friends... in fact if someone tried to be her friend, she would shy away from them until they just left.

[parsley]

I totally agree that a lot is left to individual personality and other factors.  But, I'm convinced that HOW I parent matters and my kids would turn out differently if I parented differently.  I think we would all agree with that. 

One of the specific things I see AP advocates point out is that AP promotes intense empathy.  So I'm wondering... are your kids intensely empathetic?  AP promotes bed sharing and some people suggest that bed sharing leads to increased night waking.  Were your kids late to sleep through the night?  I could keep going (but am typing with one hand while nursing and its hard...)

Maybe we can't capture this kind of thing on a thread on a message board but I feel sure that there are differences between AP kids and non-AP kids because those two sets of parents focus on different things and respond in different ways. 

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by parsley 

I totally agree that a lot is left to individual personality and other factors.  But, I'm convinced that HOW I parent matters and my kids would turn out differently if I parented differently.  I think we would all agree with that. 

One of the specific things I see AP advocates point out is that AP promotes intense empathy.  So I'm wondering... are your kids intensely empathetic?  AP promotes bed sharing and some people suggest that bed sharing leads to increased night waking.  Were your kids late to sleep through the night?  I could keep going (but am typing with one hand while nursing and its hard...)

Maybe we can't capture this kind of thing on a thread on a message board but I feel sure that there are differences between AP kids and non-AP kids because those two sets of parents focus on different things and respond in different ways. 

I do agree that my kids would be different if they were parented differently but I do think their own personalities and temperaments play a huge role. We are pretty much doing everything exactly the same with #2 that we did with #1 yet my four month old sleeps better at night and for longer stretches than my almost four year old. Go figure. I also don't see the empathy from my oldest that I guess I expected to see with AP. but I realize he has a lot of growing to do still.

[parsley]

Ah!  Good point.  They (and we all!) are still works in progress.
 

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 


I do agree that my kids would be different if they were parented differently but I do think their own personalities and temperaments play a huge role. We are pretty much doing everything exactly the same with #2 that we did with #1 yet my four month old sleeps better at night and for longer stretches than my almost four year old. Go figure. I also don't see the empathy from my oldest that I guess I expected to see with AP. but I realize he has a lot of growing to do still.

[CI Mama]

Hmmm...this is a good question. I am not sure at all about this question. There are so many factors that contribute to how a kid develops, and then even attachment parenting itself is a very broad label, not interpreted by everyone in the same way or necessarily leading to the same parenting behaviors (as I understand it, AP is all about NOT having a formulaic approach to parenting).

So I would say that perhaps you could distinguish an AP-parented baby from a non-AP-parented baby...but even then I think temperament plays a big part. And past the age of about 6 months...I'm not sure if you put me in a room full of kids, I would be able to pick out the AP-parented ones from the ones parented in another style.

My DD is 3 has been early to develop in almost every way. Hit all her physical milestones early, is tall for her age, is socially mature, is extremely verbal. She has been very slow to sleep through the night (it didn't happen at all until she was 27 months old, and didn't happen regularly until she was 30 months). She weaned at 33 months, quite a bit later than I wanted, perhaps a little earlier than she wanted (it was mostly a mutual decision, but I was pushing a bit). Is she more or less empathetic than other kids her age? I have no idea.

I personally think that a lot of parenting styles can be successful, it's more about the fit for the family.

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Originally Posted by parsley 

One of the specific things I see AP advocates point out is that AP promotes intense empathy.  So I'm wondering... are your kids intensely empathetic?  AP promotes bed sharing and some people suggest that bed sharing leads to increased night waking. 

Were your kids late to sleep through the night?  I could keep going (but am typing with one hand while nursing and its hard...)

My daughter did not sleep as well when she slept in bed with me.  So, we didn't do much bed sharing.  It wasn't going to work out for us.  She was sick often, so she slept with me while she was sick, but has always slept in her own bed otherwise.  She slept through the night from birth.  (She sleeps a LOT now as a teenager)  As an infant, she'd rather sleep than eat.  She was just born to sleep a lot for some reason.

She is very empathetic, but she absolutely went through her selfish phase.  I think she learned empathy by having problems with other kids, and having her feelings hurt a few times, because the true empathy didn't come until 5th-6th grade.  

I had to teach her (and the daycare kids) to fix what they did wrong.  She wasn't made to say "sorry" but, she HAD to find a way to fix it.  No excuses allowed, just fix it.  

She's always had a great love of animals, and I indulged that a lot.  She had every kind of pet that would fit in our house and yard.  So, she learned a lot of empathy that way.

One of my daycare boys was raised the complete opposite of my daughter. (He's the same age as my daughter)   He was spoiled and ignored at home.  He could have whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted as long as he'd go away and leave his parents alone.  He was (sadly) left in his crib for a full 8 hours to cry...because it was bed time, and it didn't matter if he wanted to sleep or was sick or anything... bed time was bedtime.  Too bad, so sad. .....

Anyway, He's very much like my daughter.  He's still a little spoiled and doesn't work for what he wants, they just buy it...but, otherwise, he's very sweet, thoughtful, empathetic, and wonderful with kids...he's much better with little kids than my daughter..she has no patience for kids.  (I still do daycare...so, that apple fell far from the tree)  He's a young man that I would be very proud to call my own son.

[LynnS6]

You know, I wish I could say that how my kids are turning out can be directly related to my parenting. Alas, it's not that clear. Raising children is such a complex mix of how you parent, your personality, your child's personality and the overall environment that you live in. You can control how you parent and you have some influence over the environment (but that lessens as they get older). I work hard to have a good relationship with my kids and treat them with respect, but of course I fail more than I'd like (we had a bad evening last night, for example).

My fondest wish is for us to have a good relationship with our kids when they're adults. I think we're doing all the right things, but only time will tell. And then again, my parents weren't very AP in some ways (CIO and spanking are the two biggies), and yet they managed to create a positive, respectful relationship with all of us. It's not a perfect relationship, but it's good. They raised 5 kids who are still talking to them and who like to spend time with them.

I guess I see the value that has carried through from generation to generation that is consistent with AP is the respect for children as people. I know it sounds odd to say that given that my parents did CIO and spanked, but those were the tools they had at the time (I'm "old" -- my sibs are all baby boomers, and I'm just shy). They did the best they could with the tools they had. They treated us like individuals, we were incorporated as contributing members of the household, and they talked to us and included us in their conversations and interests (I learned to play bridge at 12 because that was a big thing with my parents, for example). If that's what I achieve, I'll be happy. 

So, while I think my kids are pretty awesome, I can't say it's because we practice AP. I think instead it's more that they're pretty awesome kids and we haven't done too much to screw them up!

[cat13]

I actually just came across this article about a study that found "toddlers with loving mothers had more growth in key brain area." The title uses the term "Loving mothers" and I definitely don't think that AP mothers are more "loving" than non-AP, but the way that the article reads it actually seems like they are talking about using gentle discipline, not just "loving" your kid more.

And the science is clear at the effects of breastfeeding on children's development. Again, you breastfeeding does not = AP necessarily, but it is a piece of the AP puzzle.

[meemee]

as pp pointed out - i really think its not so much parenting style but more about respecting your child for who they are.

i interact with dd's 4th grade class mates a lot. i have been with them a lot since first grade.

i cant tell you which child was APed and which wasnt.

but i can definitely tell you which ones were not 'respected' or given the time the child needed. 

some of the 'problem' kids have special needs - but the others who are problem kids and DONT have special needs - its because they have a v. unhappy family life or their parents have not connected with them. there are 'happy' kids who are being raised by gparents or have been homeless the past few months. for the homeless apart from late homeworks there has been no separate issues. 

with the empathy - i think a lot of parents are forced to be AP coz they have such sensitive kids. at least that's what a lot of parents have told me. 

for me i think what matters is 'sustained' parenting. if today i suddenly become the opposite of AP - i think i will have undone all the AP of 9 years that i have done by the time teenage comes along. 

my xBIL raised his son AP (the best way a man can be AP) and till he was 14 son and dad were one. his mother was no where on the scene. things changed. in his tweens son went to live with his mother. today as a young adult he hardly has any relationship with his dad. its all very awkward. he is super close with his mom. 

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

You know, I wish I could say that how my kids are turning out can be directly related to my parenting. Alas, it's not that clear. Raising children is such a complex mix of how you parent, your personality, your child's personality and the overall environment that you live in. You can control how you parent and you have some influence over the environment (but that lessens as they get older). I work hard to have a good relationship with my kids and treat them with respect, but of course I fail more than I'd like

[snipped]

So, while I think my kids are pretty awesome, I can't say it's because we practice AP. I think instead it's more that they're pretty awesome kids and we haven't done too much to screw them up!

I absolutely agree with Lynn on this.

I get compliments on DS (9) all the time -- on what a nice, well-behaved, gentle kid he is. I'd love to take credit for that, but I think a lot of it is just who he is as a person.

Of course, I think that how you parent does have an influence! For example, a very good friend of mine is an amazingly mother and also very similar to me in background, parenting approach, and personality. Her boys are "difficult" at best and, in fact, have been known to bully. She's devastated and actively working with them. Did I do something she didn't do to get the "good outcome"? I don't really think so. But, FWIW, I'm sure her boys will turn out ok in the end because she is such a great mom, does work with them and the school, and is setting a good example.

Likewise, my DS is and always was extremely sensitive, highly empathetic, very clumsy and uncoordinated, and is cautious. Had he been born into a family of obsessive athletes who pushed him into sports or had had a super macho dad who wouldn't have been ok with him wanting a wall in his room to be pink when he was 4 or didn't like the fact that he loves knitting (DS goes to a Waldorf school, so this is taught at school) and belittled him for this, he might have ended up much less self-confident and happy than he is now. But he was born who he was and, as Lynn says, I think what we can take credit for is not having screwed him up!

[transylvania_mom]

I can't really compare, as we live in a pretty crunchy community. Kids are breastfed for 2 years or more, co-sleeping is normal, NIP, GD, and you see slings everywhere. I've even met a couple of homeschooled children on our street. 

I think AP makes self-confident, emotionally intelligent children. Regardless of their physical abilities (crawling, walking) or mental abilities, I see them as being more confident, social and better able to deal with unpleasant situations, like stress. And by social I don't mean having lots of friends, but being comfortable in social situations (even if it means observing for a while before joining in).

[Tigerchild]

Sorry, I don't think it makes a difference as far as producing a superior product.

I do think that it can make a difference to YOU, to make you a better parent (some of us definitely are intuitively impaired in how to do that, such as myself, so AP was very helpful to ME).  I am at my kids' school almost every school day, due to the nature of their program I've known a majority of their classmates since they were in 1st grade (my kids are in 3rd and 4th now).  I know these families fall all over the spectrum of parenting styles (from authoritarian, to non GD, to whatever goes, to AP, to TCS, ect).  The common denominator though is that they all are very involved parents.  (It may be hard to believe, but it is possible for non-AP people to be compassionate, involved parents, and for AP checklisters to miss the point.)  The kids are who they are largely because of personality, not parenting style.  I've seen that in my own three kids, as well as in families with multiple children who parent differently.  Even my MZ twins behave and look at the world very differently from each other.

There are many reasons to justify AP to yourself, but not the 'it produces better children' line.  Because, in my observation, it doesn't.  If that's all that's keeping you going, that's where burnout happens and where the danger is of resenting your kid or being embarassed by them from normal behavior because they're not the product you sacrificed and hoped for.  Seen that happen with AP parents too.

Enjoy things with your young kids.  If AP keeps YOU sane, that's the important thing.  Try not to look down your nose at people who are parenting their baby differently though, because chances are it will come to bite you in the ass when they are older, and you realize that many other paths turned out kids just as good as yours, or you still have to deal with some poor behavior/choices.

[Storm Bride]

I have four children. They've all been parented by AP principles (even though I'd never heard the term until my oldest two were 12 and 2 years old). I actually don't think any of them are really highly empathetic, except maybe dd1. DS1 is a very kind young man, and he does go out of his way not to hurt people (physically or emotionally or any other way), but he's not always very aware of the possiblity of hurting people's feelings. DS2 may be on the autism spectrum (no diagnosis, but I've suspected it for a long time now), and he doesn't seem to have any empathy at all...but he's very generous, in many ways.

Milestones? I don't really remember the details. I do know that ds1, dd1 and dd2 were all very early talkers, and quite early walkers (they were all walking before a year). DS2 was a late talker (very occasional single words at about 18 months, but didn't expand his vocabulary beyond about five words until 27 months) and a relatively late walker - first steps at about 15 months. They're all gifted (in terms of intelligence, ie. the "formal" use of "gifted children"), but dh and I are also both gifted, so I'd tend to expect that. All four of them could support their own necks from birth (all my children were c/s)...so could most of my nieces and nephews, so it seems to be a genetic trait.

I don't know. My kids all have wildly different personalities, and I don't really see any less variation in them than I do in a random sampling of other kids. None of them are mellow, but that's about the only trait they have in common. (My ex was pretty laidback, but dh and I are both quite intense, in different ways, and a mellow child would honestly surprise me. DS1 is laidback in some ways, but he's very energetic and highly extraverted, so he's on the go a lot...not the type to curl up with a book for a quiet evening very often, yk?)

I'm rambling - there's a lot of background chaos around here right now (we're getting ready to go out). Basically, I don't think AP makes any measurable difference. I parent the way I do, because it's what feels right to me. I think there are parenting styles that are out-and-out damaging, but I also think parenting styles that aren't "true" AP can have very similar results. And, short of serious abuse and neglect, I also think a child's innate temperament, personality and genes are going to have a stronger impact on how they end up than whether they coslept or were in a nursery, or whether they were in a stroller or a sling (and dd2 HATES being worn), or whether they were breastfed or formula fed (I'm strongly pro-breastfeeding, but I also suspect there's less difference, in most ways, between a breastfed baby and one who is held and cuddled for formula feedings, than between the latter and a baby who is routinely fed from a propped bottle).

[Jen Muise]

I think AP allows for a better relationship for you and your child generally, and reduces anxiety and gives a good foundation for problem solving later on.  I don't think that it affects children in any measureable way either, with milestones and development especially.  But, the trust and faith that it builds early on is a stepping stone to dealing with other issues later & I think that's great.  I don't think that not doing AP parenting means you won't have that trust, but it's one way to get there. 

[contactmaya]

My boys were are good sleepers, we always co slept and breastfed on demand, and ec'd. Maybe its just genetic, im a good sleeper too.  They are both somewhat fearless and independent, which i attribute to ap, but then again, maybe its temperament. The show signs of empathy, but then again sometimes not. 

I think if you could generalize, an AP'd child feels better about themselves and has more confidence. Dont expect that to always look good, or to even be apparent at all.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

You know, I wish I could say that how my kids are turning out can be directly related to my parenting. Alas, it's not that clear. Raising children is such a complex mix of how you parent, your personality, your child's personality and the overall environment that you live in. You can control how you parent and you have some influence over the environment (but that lessens as they get older)

And the choices they make.  Our children ultimately have free will.

My kids are 13 and 15 and very different from each other. They are both amazing in their own ways. I think at this stage, one can usually tell which kids feel loved and supported, but that doesn't always equal APing.

I don't think that a superior product is a reason to parent a specific way, because no matter what you are aiming for, there will be moments when your child acts the exact opposite of that. The reason to treat your child how you treat your child is because that is what feels right to you.

For example, I believe in only GD because I believe it is wrong to use physical pain to force another person to do anything. If someone came up with a study showing some advantage for children who are occasionally spanked, it wouldn't change my view that for me smacking a small child is just wrong. For me, it's wrong.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by parsley 

I totally agree that a lot is left to individual personality and other factors.  But, I'm convinced that HOW I parent matters and my kids would turn out differently if I parented differently.  I think we would all agree with that.

I disagree actually. I "AP" because I think it will benefit my relationship with my ds, but not because I think he will turn out 'better'. I think it might help during the teen years if/when he makes mistakes or needs help navigating a particular situation (by way of us having a strong trusting relationship). Not even that is a guarantee though.