How do you think attachment parenting makes kids different (from other kids) as they get older? - Page 3

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

I look at my phone at the park too. I think that's a good example of why judging can be a problem. It involves making assumptions. Why is it bad to look at my phone when at the park?

Because our lives don't revolve 100% around our children every moment that we're with them? AP doesn't require that though....at least I didn't think so.

[Snydley]

Man when will I learn!  Not what I meant...more that the 'tech' careers are unrelenting in it's demands (the more work you do, the more they give you), and as a result parents with these kinds of jobs have a hard time shutting off and not working.   I have this problem with my job and have on many occasions put DD in front of a movie for a conference call on days that I'm supposed to be off work.  Again, if I see a parent on the internet at a park I of course wouldn't think twice, but when 10-12 are lined up along a sandbox on active conference calls and emailing, etc it just striking to see.   I only saw this in San Fran as that is the home of google, linkedin, and biotech.  

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by Snydley 

  Again, if I see a parent on the internet at a park I of course wouldn't think twice, but when 10-12 are lined up along a sandbox on active conference calls and emailing, etc it just striking to see.   I only saw this in San Fran as that is the home of google, linkedin, and biotech.  

Speaking for myself and others like me, I think that part of it is due to the proliferation of flex-time and the virtual office.  I'm old enough to remember the days where the only place that you could work was in a physical office. Face time was as important as doing your job well.  I actually feel pretty lucky to be viturally connected because it means that I am not required to be married to a desk in the middle of the city.  I love the flexibility and freedom it gives me.  It means that I can spend more time with DD or be there for her without the stress of missing work.  This is not to say that there aren't people who are addicted to technology - there are plenty of people out there like that.  But as a working tool, I'll take it any day over the old days! 
 

[berry987]

Interesting thread. I think one problem with the AP or not-AP comparisons are that most people aren't 100% AP or 100% not-AP. We ALL parent on a continuum and of course all children are different so making comparisons is nearly impossible. 

I have four kids and while I consider myself a thoughtful, loving, intuitive parent, I am not AP. I have a pituitary disorder that makes me unable to breastfeed so my kids drank formula and a bit of donor milk from bottles. That said, I always held them when they drank, often took off my shirt to get skin-to-skin time, etc. We co-slept for about 4 months with each child, but found ourselves so sleep deprived (mainly because I was so worried about rolling on the baby that I'd wake often) that we moved them out of our bed around that time. At the same time, now that they aren't babies they climb into bed with us a few times a week and we don't move them back to their beds. They've never CIO but they were also not fussy babies so a few minutes of rocking usually did the trick. I do time outs, but its used as a way for them to "think about their behavior" and get some quiet time away to calm themselves down. I try not to yell, but do occasionally, of course. I vaccinate - selectively, but I studied epidemiology in grad school and well, I was convinced. We limit TV to a couple times a week and they eat and drink a very different diet than most kids their age (Weston Price-style), but we fit right in with everyone at school. They play with toy guns, eat junk food at birthday parties, get mouthy sometimes and get in trouble for it, treat animals with great respect and love, generally play nicely and share, and have their good days and bad days. They are bright and inquisitive, thoughtful and caring, generally just sweet boys. They can also be loud and impulsive and whine like crazy when they don't get what they want.

I think the idea that non-AP parents are feeding tons of junk food, plopping their kids in front of the TV all day, smacking them and ignoring their screaming babies is misguided. Those things just make you a pretty crappy parent, AP or not. And for the parents who do the full-AP way of life, I think, as other posters have said, the differences would be so minimal it would be hard to notice. Most likely, even if you'd never heard about AP and were just parenting as best you could you'd probably still be a pretty good parent because good parents, IMO, love their kids and show them that, set boundaries and stick to them, nourish their minds and bodies as best they can, and hope for the best.

Edited by berry987 - 3/26/12 at 11:52am

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by berry987 

Interesting thread. I think one problem with the AP or not-AP comparisons are that most people aren't 100% AP or 100% not-AP. We ALL parent on a continuum and of course all children are different so making comparisons is nearly impossible. 

I have four kids and while I consider myself a thoughtful, loving, intuitive parent, I am not AP. I have a pituitary disorder that makes me unable to breastfeed so my kids drank formula and a bit of donor milk from bottles. That said, I always held them when they drank, often took off my shirt to get skin-to-skin time, etc. We co-slept for about 4 months with each child, but found ourselves so sleep deprived (mainly because I was so worried about rolling on the baby that I'd wake often) that we moved them out of our bed around that time. At the same time, now that they aren't babies they climb into bed with us a few times a week and we don't move them back to their beds. They've never CIO but they were also not fussy babies so a few minutes of rocking usually did the trick. I do time outs, but its used as a way for them to "think about their behavior" and get some quiet time away to calm themselves down. I try not to yell, but do occasionally, of course. I vaccinate - selectively, but I studied epidemiology in grad school and well, I was convinced. We limit TV to a couple times a week and they eat and drink a very different diet than most kids their age (Weston Price-style), but we fit right in with everyone at school. They play with toy guns, eat junk food at birthday parties, get mouthy sometimes and get in trouble for it, treat animals with great respect and love, generally play nicely and share, and have their good days and bad days. They are bright and inquisitive, thoughtful and caring, generally just sweet boys. They can also be loud and impulsive and whine like crazy when they don't get what they want.

I think the idea that non-AP parents are feeding tons of junk food, plopping their kids in front of the TV all day, smacking them and ignoring their screaming babies is misguided. Those things just make you a pretty crappy parent, AP or not. And for the parents who do the full-AP way of life, I think, as other posters have said, the differences would be so minimal it would be hard to notice. Most likely, even if you'd never heard about AP and were just parenting as best you could you'd probably still be a pretty good parent because good parents, IMO, love their kids and show them that, set boundaries and stick to them, nourish their minds and bodies as best they can, and hope for the best.

My only issue with this post is the way a strict, formal definition of AP has taken over. If one can't breastfeed, that doesn't make one non-AP, imo. I honestly don't see anything you've posted that makes you non-AP. I did many things that were totally "not" AP with dd1, because they would have been damaging to her (eg. limited babywearing, because she frequently hated it). I can't twist the definition fo "attachment parenting" to mean "check off list items that damage my child and damage said child's attachment to me".

However, while I think the definition of AP is frequently too narrow, I also think there are good parents who aren't AP, by any definition. I know one couple who practiced CIO to an extent that made me sick to my stomach. I think it was to the point of being abusive. I also know they truly believed it was in the best interests of their children (bought a lot of that "must self-soothe" stuff). The children in question are now five and seven years old, and their parents spend a lot time with them, do crafts with them, lavish attention on them, etc. I couldn't consider their parenting to be AP, even by a loose definition (even since the CIO years) - but they're loving, attentive parents, and they certainly don't just park their kids in front of a tv all day and scream at them. They're good parents, for the most part - they're just not AP. (And, that "for the most part" wasn't a slam - I'm not always a good parent, either.)

[berry987]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

My only issue with this post is the way a strict, formal definition of AP has taken over. If one can't breastfeed, that doesn't make one non-AP, imo. I honestly don't see anything you've posted that makes you non-AP.

I agree that the definition of AP is too narrow because really the underlying values are similar between loving, nurturing parents...regardless of techniques. But I think by the MDC definition I would not be considered AP - because I don't breastfeed, don't co-sleep, we vax our kids and we do time-outs. All of those things together make me sound pretty mainstream. And that was my point, really - that comparing AP to non-AP kids is pretty futile because you're either comparing kids based on strict guidelines (how long did they breastfeed, cosleep, etc) or else you're basically comparing loving parents to abusive or neglectful parents....in which case the outcome doesn't have much to do with breastfeeding on demand and more to do with not being a horrible parent. 

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Snydley 

I've tried that!  Haha.  Kindergarten is in the fall and she'll be sent to the nurse for pooping in her pants.  I'm only hopeful because they seem to sell pull-ups in 6T so maybe that means in a year she'll decide to stop what she's doing and go on the toilet.  

i dont have time to post but i just returned from a 4th grade overnight field trip where i was a chaperone. i was surprised by how many kids still wet their bed. i did till my teens but i was surprised to see how 'common' it was rather than not. of course i am talking about night time bed wetters. 

and OP if your child is anything like mine - mine hates her school bathroom and v. v. rarely uses it. in her 5 years of school i can say she has used the bathroom maybe a hand ful of times.