Adjustment Issues

[poiyt]

Hey - Ive been a long timd MDC member, but never posted to this board. So..let me give you some back story...or as much as is relevant.

Currently, I live with my four children, my partner (DP) and my soon to be ex-husband (DH I guess). It works for us, we are all really good friends, and its relaly fine. DH has worked since before DD#1 was born (she is now 4.5). DP has been raising DD#1 since she was 7 months old - so its not like dp is a stranger at all. I have been working for about a year and a half now. DP stays at home with the children. DD#1 is in school 3 half days a week (a waldorf preschool program).

We have been having a problem that has been escalating slowly over time, and is definitely becoming an issue now. DD#1 is having some major issues with DH and I going to work. I understand that is completely normal. We do what we can, we spend time with her (and all the kids) when we are home, we call or send pictures from work, we are always there to talk to her if she is upset during the day at our absense.

What is most concerning is her sleep. She is not waking up increasingly early because she is so upset we are leaving for work, and doesnt want us to go. She isn't screaming or anything like that, but she is waking up in an effort to convince us to stay home. This morning, for example, DH had to work early so we had to leave the house at 5:30a. DD#1 woke up promptly at 5:15 and would not go back to sleep. Her whining, again notscreaming, eventually woke up DD#2 who was then too tired to wake up, which woke up DS#2, and now the whole house is awake 1.5hrs early. This lack of sleep for DD#2 is really affecting her. I dont know how I can help her be okay or adjust to us working, even though it has been a while of it happening. We need her to sleep - not just because she wakes the other kids up, but for her own well being, her own happiness.

We have tried explaining to her that we work and we will always come home. We have tried making sure we give her hugs and kisses before we leave (even on the off chance she has stayed in bed - just so she knows we haven't forgotten).

I want to help her adjust to my working, but I dont know how. I already feel guilty that I work, as I always wanted to be a SAHM, but we needed the extra income and I have more earning potential than DP. I dont think its a case of DP not being a good caregiver, as she really is DD#1's mom, and has, like I said, helped raise her since 7months old.

Thoughts? Advice? Help?

[porcelina]

What's odd about your story is that apparently nothing has changed, just your DD's reaction to the situation. Is that right? How long has DP been the primary care provider when DD is not in preschool? You say this started gradually; when did it start? Were there any changes prior to that beginning?

I know my DS has had problems with me working in the past; he typically says he doesn't want to go to school because he feels uncomfortable with our care provider who picks him up (she started recently). Even though he has adjusted to her finally, he still puts up some resistance on Mondays.

Anyway, I just find it odd that this appears to have happened out of the blue. Is there any way DD is sensing tensions in the household, or something is going on at the preschool (is it only preschool days?) or at home with DP that is making her uncomfortable?

[poiyt]

Thanks for replying!

Dp has been the primary caregiver for the whole 1.5years I have been working. DD has been in preschool (3days a week) for 2 years now. DP and I were the primary caregivers for all the kids until I went back to work. So I dont think its a comfort thing with DP. Its definitely not only on preschool days - its any work day. Its probably been picking up in intensity for about 4-5 months. I dont think there are more tensions in the house. The only real change I can think of is that we bought a house and moved at the beginning of December, but DD's routine didn't change. DP was the primary caregiver before, she still went to school on the same days, DH and I were still home on the same days and still worked on the same days.

Im hoping this is just a stage, and that she will work through it. But its so heartbreaking to leave her everyday.

[porcelina]

Hmm, maybe then she just really wants to spend more time with you and her dad, one-on-one (hence waking up before anyone else). Maybe you could work some special time into the week where it is her one-on-one with you and then with her dad? I'm sure the situation is aggravated by the lack of sleep from the early waking, as you suggest. Maybe you could try to make bedtime earlier, and work with the early wake up (spend some one-on-one time in the early morning). Since you have 4 children, maybe the eldest is feeling like you don't have enough time just for her?

Just a few thoughts! Hope things get better and that you get more feedback!