I don't know where I belong. I dont fit in in the infertility forum, or the birth loss forum, and I feel kind of lost here.
So I guess Ill just share my story and maybe someone will have some words of wisdom...
DW and I are a blended family, she brought two children and I brought two children into the relationship - we have raised eachothers since infanthood - so we really are both parents to all kids. We want to have one more child to unite and complete our family.
DW will be carrying our baby. I am extatic to have a baby with this woman. But I am grieving completely and fully the loss of never being pregnant again. When I was pregnant with DD#2 I never thought it was my last - ever. I would have enjoyed it more, revelled in it more. We decided that DW will carry because I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the meds that we finally found to work arent completely safe for pregnancy, and we dont want to risk trying something else. Plus, I have endometriosis and have historically had a harder time getting pregnant than DW has.
I so want to be pregnant again. I want to grow and nurture a child in my womb, I want to breastfeed a newborn, I want to feel the hormones. I am aware that pregnancy and birth isnt all sunshine and rainbows - but the bad aspects have never really bothered me. I crave pregnancy, I crave it with every fiber of myself, and now I find that I am grieving that loss - as if its an actual loss.
I know...logically...its not. There was never a baby to grieve, I still will get a baby out of this process. I haven't lost anything but an experience and I feel so silly grieving an experience - not an actual thing. But I cant help but cry when I hear people talk about their pregnancies, I feel so alone when DW tells people we will be having a baby. Very few will see this as my baby, it will always be a fight - and Im okay with fighting. I have no worries that I wont bond with it - I just...I just want someone to feel true excitement with me - that its my pregnancy too...even though I know its not.
Im rambling now. We havent even started actively trying yet - we are trying to find sperm. But..Idk...Im grieving