hitting - need new tactics

[mambera]

When my 2 (almost 3) y/o doesn't like what I say, she hits me.  It doesn't really hurt, it's more like frustrated flailing.  But I feel very strongly about discouraging any kind of physical violence.

I used to deal with this by walking away saying I wouldn't play with her if she hit me.  That worked really well for a while.  But now she is more likely to hit in response to me telling her not to do something (eg whack the CD player), and if I walk away she will happily and remorselessly return to the undesired activity.

I am not opposed to time-outs but she won't comply with them on her own so in practice I would have to physically drag her kicking and screaming into her room and hold the door shut.  This is an awful power struggle, pushes the boundary of GD, and makes me look out of control.  I really need a different way to handle this issue.  TIA

[Super~Single~Mama]

Maybe a different version of time-outs? We use a chair (one of our dining table chairs), and ds has the option of sitting on his own chair, or on my lap. I sit in a nearby chair and wait for the timer to go off (I set the kitchen timer so that it's not an arbitrary amount of time). It works pretty well.

[HuntressMother]

First of all big hugs to you Mama. We have a 3 year old DS who is very strong and is a hitter. He has punched ( yes punched! ) his big sister in the face, slapped both me and his father several time..and it HURTS. We also strongly discourage violence. We have tried the time out method and most of the time, i doesnt work- at all. In fact, alot of times, it makes him more angry.

This is a weird  approach, but I tried it with DS and he seemed to understand a little better ( and hasnt hit us since ).  Get a doll (any kind will do) and sit down with your DD. She will be excited about the doll, but make sure she knows she cant have this doll just yet.

While she is watching, hit the doll in the places where she hit you ( or others ). You can do this in a far more gentel and calm manner, of course. And then ask her how she thinks that makes dolly feel. Explain that is how YOU feel when she hits you and how others feel too. Then, 'talk' to the doll and say something like ' Im sorry, dolly. It wasnt nice to hit you and I know that it hurt. I wont do that again' and give the doll a big hug, Then ask her if she would like to  love the doll and make her feel better. I repeated this 2 times with DS and he seemed to get it.

I think it helps when they have a visual image of what theyre doing infront of them. You can repeat this as many time as you need, especailly if she hits you. Take the doll, repeat the process ( this time showing where she hit you this time ) and then ask her if she would like to tell dolly that shes sorry and kiss where she hit to make dolly feel better.

Maybe try buying some books about hitting and reading them together when ever you can, And try to explain some 'calming' methods to her in very simple form. Maybe make up a fun rhyme. Like:

" When youre mad, please dont hit

   find a quiet place to sit

   then close your eyes and count to 3

   now we're calm as can be "

I made this one up for DS and I have noticed that this helps him. He is atleast TRYING the poem method now. I have noticed that he walks away and sits and counts. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesnt. This one would take practice. And it really doesnt matter if they do the things in the poem, the simple act of stoping to say the poem will take their mind away from their frustration. I also reward DS with a small treat if I notice him using this. I tell him how great it is that he stopped to think. This part also makes him far less frustrated because he recieved a reward.

Also, we bought DS an 'angry pillow'. Its just a simple pillow with a cheap red pillow case.  We told him that when he is simply too angry and he feels like he has to hit- to get his angry pillow. He is allowed to get his anger out with it. The pillow sits right inside of his closet and I have noticed that hes used this method once. We tried finding a small punching bag, but didnt have any luck here. Not sure if you would agree with this method, but it really helps for them to have a safe place to let that out where no one will get hurt and where they wont get themselves into trouble if they hit.

Hopefully, one of these methods will work for you. Use which ever feels most comfortable for you and your DD. Good luck, Mama and keep us posted on how it goes. 

Edited by HuntressMother - 3/27/12 at 4:44pm

[McGucks]

Originally Posted by HuntressMother 

First of all big hugs to you Mama. We have a 3 year old DS who is very strong and is a hitter. He has punched ( yes punched! ) his big sister in the face, slapped both me and his father several time..and it HURTS. We also strongly discourage violence. We have tried the time out method and most of the time, i doesnt work- at all. In fact, alot of times, it makes him more angry.

This is a weird  approach, but I tried it with DS and he seemed to understand a little better ( and hasnt hit us since ).  Get a doll (any kind will do) and sit down with your DD. She will be excited about the doll, but make sure she knows she cant have this doll just yet.

While she is watching, hit the doll in the places where she hit you ( or others ). You can do this in a far more gentel and calm manner, of course. And then ask her how she thinks that makes dolly feel. Explain that is how YOU feel when she hits you and how others feel too. Then, 'talk' to the doll and say something like ' Im sorry, dolly. It wasnt nice to hit you and I know that it hurt. I wont do that again' and give the doll a big hug, Then ask her if she would like to  love the doll and make her feel better. I repeated this 2 times with DS and he seemed to get it.

I think it helps when they have a visual image of what theyre doing infront of them. You can repeat this as many time as you need, especailly if she hits you. Take the doll, repeat the process ( this time showing where she hit you this time ) and then ask her if she would like to tell dolly that shes sorry and kiss where she hit to make dolly feel better.

Maybe try buying some books about hitting and reading them together when ever you can, And try to explain some 'calming' methods to her in very simple form. Maybe make up a fun rhyme. Like:

" When youre mad, please dont hit

   find a quiet place to sit

   then close your eyes and count to 3

   now we're calm as can be "

I made this one up for DS and I have noticed that this helps him. He is atleast TRYING the poem method now. I have noticed that he walks away and sits and counts. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesnt. This one would take practice. And it really doesnt matter if they do the things in the poem, the simple act of stoping to say the poem will take their mind away from their frustration. I also reward DS with a small treat if I notice him using this. I tell him how great it is that he stopped to think. This part also makes him far less frustrated because he recieved a reward.

Also, we bought DS an 'angry pillow'. Its just a simple pillow with a cheap red pillow case.  We told him that when he is simply too angry and he feels like he has to hit- to get his angry pillow. He is allowed to get his anger out with it. The pillow sits right inside of his closet and I have noticed that hes used this method once. We tried finding a small punching bag, but didnt have any luck here. Not sure if you would agree with this method, but it really helps for them to have a safe place to let that out where no one will get hurt and where they wont get themselves into trouble if they hit.

Hopefully, one of these methods will work for you. Use which ever feels most comfortable for you and your DD. Good luck, Mama and keep us posted on how it goes. 

HuntressMother...I think MDC oughta have the "Best Response of the Day" award, and you should get it.  Super creative, compassionate, and a very different set of ideas that I typically consider.  That advice rocks and I will try parts of it with my 2 year old boy.

Also, if that's actually you in your avatar, you are GORGEOUS.
 

[HuntressMother]

Originally Posted by caedenmomma 

HuntressMother...I think MDC oughta have the "Best Response of the Day" award, and you should get it.  Super creative, compassionate, and a very different set of ideas that I typically consider.  That advice rocks and I will try parts of it with my 2 year old boy.

Also, if that's actually you in your avatar, you are GORGEOUS.
 

Thank you very much, Caedenmomma, for your kind words! That means alot to me..and yes, thats me.

The " Best Response of the Day " award, may not actually exist here at MDC, but your comment alone feels like an award to me.

Do keep me posted on how my methods work for your little guy. I would be intrested to hear about it. Good Luck to you, Mama!

It makes me very happy to know that I could help someone. Thank you again.
 

[mambera]

Thanks for the creative suggestions everyone.  I think I will try the chair thing.  I don't think the doll thing will work bc unfortunately DD is sometimes quite abusive to her dolls, which is a bit upsetting to watch.  I usually try some low-key discouragement but the dolls are inanimate objects after all (no different than the 'angry pillow' really) so I am trying to reserve the more dramatic steps for actions that actually hurt people.  The rhyme suggestion might work for us though, that sounds like something that would be easy to remember and implement in the heat of the moment.  I'll have to make up a good one (can't use yours bc I don't speak with DD in English, otherwise I would steal it!). :)

[HuntressMother]

Good Luck to you Mama. Keep us updated on how it goes.

[porcelina]

One more idea might be to hold DD closely to you in a way she can't hit you (her back to you, restraining arms/legs in a way that is firm but gentle) and tell her you need to keep everyone safe until she can calm down and not hit. I have done this a few times with DS (4) and he has pretty quickly said he is ready to stop hurting people (he obviously dislikes being restrained). I have definitely had a hard time figuring out the right response -- it's hard to enforce a time out, especially with a baby there who needs you too. Just an idea, maybe another tool that you could try.

Good luck!

[mambera]

Hi Porcelina, that's actually similar to what I've been trying to do lately.  Based on Super_Single_Mama's advice I modified the time-out to be me sitting down on a chair holding her restrained in my lap for a count of ten.  I back-wrap the baby a lot anyway and I am able to do this with babe on my back.  It works in that it's less of an insane power struggle than holding the door to her room closed.  It doesn't work in that she still does this flailing-hitting thing when she's angry.  I thought of a good rhyme to use but I am having trouble remembering to use it in the moment when things are heated.  Will keep on trying.

[pickle18]

Just wanted to jump in to say thank you to everyone for the awesome ideas!!! (especially loved your genius post, HuntressMother!)

I will be putting these into practice soon, I'm sure...for now, DS is still a bit too small, but I could maybe modify them, or use some, like gentle restraint (he is a very big, strong, intense, HN lil dude, but he is only 12 months - right now, he thinks it is hilarious to hit mommy, especially if she tells him to stop, but he also is starting to do the frustrated flailing/hitting/throwing thing more and more...toddler-style temper tantrums have been a staple in this house since at least 9 months! ).  It's funny how the most sweet, charming, outgoing, smiley, happy lil baby can have the most serious mood shifts!