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Something dd just told me

post #1 of 35
Thread Starter 

Dd just told me that her friend at school confided in her that she had "sucked a boy's penis", and that he had "sucked her vulva and nipples".  I didn't know how to react really.  I kind of gently questioned to find out who this boy is.  It turns out that it is (probably) either the girls step-brother or her dad's girlfriend's son (dd wasn't clear), and that he is kindergarten age.  The girl is 8 and in grade 2.  Dd wasn't sure why they decided to do that.  Dd said that she would definitely not want to do that because pee comes out penises.  Dd also said not to tell the girl's dad because the girl said he would be really mad if he found out.

 

Ok, so where do I go from here (if anywhere)?  Is this pretty normal "playing dr" kind of stuff?  My dd and her friend have done plenty of "I'll show you mine, you show me yours", but no touching as far as I know.  Is it normal for kids to get the idea to put their mouths on other people's privates?

 

Anyway, any thoughts appreciated.

post #2 of 35

In your shoes, I'd probably tell the girl's mother.  Either something bad needs to be investigated or the girl is using language that's not appropriate and I doubt her mother would be happy with that.

post #3 of 35

I think it could be normal, but if it was my DD, I'd want to know about it. I think you should let her mom know what your DD told you and leave it at that. 

post #4 of 35

there is no way a child that young knows anything about oral sex unless she had been exposed to it. this would need to be reported, imo. this is not typical "playing doctor".

post #5 of 35

There was recently a case in Houston I believe where two third graders were caught giving each other oral sex under their desks.  The teacher was dismissed for not being aware and doing something about it.  You should be able to google it.  While kids shouldn't know about this stuff... it happens and being sexually active as a young kid doesn't always mean that they were molested.  Sometimes they have older siblings and older friends who talk about it in front of them without thinking about it. 

 

I would certainly talk to the parent/guardian of both kids if you can.  Maybe something has happened or maybe they have older influences.  I do recall a few friends of mine having sex at 11. 

post #6 of 35
Report it. There is no way that this behavior is normal, if it is true. It's a huge red flag. I would tell either the counselor at school or call the girl's mother directly.
post #7 of 35

report it, for sure.  If the boy is younger, that's not normal playing doctor anyways; and that either of them have ideas about oral sex is concerning. 

post #8 of 35

I would be commending my daughter for bringing this to you.

 

I can see possibilities both ways, though I am just being thoughtful because truthfully I have alarms going off in my head.  The girl could lying through her teeth.  A second grader might have more access to information than a kindergartner, so I am leaning toward this scenario. I could also see the possibility, if it did happen that it was a grossed-out-barely-touched-with-tongue exchange .  Poor kid.  I hope this girl is lying.  Regardless, it is out-of-bounds.  Question I have is: would her mother believe your daughter?

post #9 of 35
I think that's worth someone doing a formal investigation, personally. And I'm generally in the anti-CPS crowd. I think it's a big red flag that something potentially could be going and worth having a professional check into it. Is there a counselor at the school you can call? I might go through the school rather than call CPS directly. The counselor might have some knowledge that you don't have.
post #10 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Report it. There is no way that this behavior is normal, if it is true. It's a huge red flag. I would tell either the counselor at school or call the girl's mother directly.

I agree!
post #11 of 35

Report it to the school counselor.

post #12 of 35

Needs to be reported immediately. You only know what your dd told you and based on that there is a big problem. True that children are not always the best reporters which is why the truth needs to be looked into by an adult. Please don't turn a blind eye to this - this child could be suffering from repeated abuse which could go on for years.

post #13 of 35
Thread Starter 

Thank you so much for your input.

 

I'm not friends with the girls mother.  In fact we always have very awkward exchanges, probably because we're both somewhat shy, and also because we speak different languages (she is francophone and I'm not fluent in french).  So, I'm thinking I would feel more comfortable bringing this to a school counselor.  I'm going to call the school tomorrow.

 

I wonder how the mom is going to react.  I know she's very religious (born-again Christian).  I hope she doesn't shame her dd or anything.  Anyway, I don't have control over that... all I can do is make sure that any potential abuse is investigated.

 

 

post #14 of 35
Thread Starter 

Ok, help me out here...

 

I looked on the school website and they have 2 guidance counselors, 2 psychologists, and 1 social worker on staff (it's a big school).  Which of these people should I be talking to?

post #15 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl View Post

Ok, help me out here...

 

I looked on the school website and they have 2 guidance counselors, 2 psychologists, and 1 social worker on staff (it's a big school).  Which of these people should I be talking to?

 

There is a good chance that you will only get direct access to the guidance counselors, who will then refer the students involved to the psychologist or social worker, if judged necessary.
 

 

post #16 of 35

Not familiar with the laws up north but in the US they would all be mandated reporters, so any would be fine. My personal preference would be to go to the highest on the chain if that is something you can judge.

post #17 of 35

I would pick social worker of those 3 if given the choice.

post #18 of 35
I'd go with social worker too.

Ahh I see you posted this a day or two ago, did you already call?
post #19 of 35
Thread Starter 

No, I haven't called yet.  Yesterday I ended up spending the day in the dr's office and going for medical tests (I have some weird health stuff going on right now).  Today is the day.  I also have my best friend telling me that she really thinks I should talk to the mom first - that if it were her she'd rather hear it before a social worker.  I just don't feel comfortable at all doing that... I'd have to send a note with my dd for her dd to give the mom to ask her to call me... or something.  I don't even know their last name.  I don't ever see them at drop-off or pick-up because the girl and her sister take the school bus.

 

Anyway, I just woke up (thank you dh for letting me sleep in) and I'm going to call the school now and see where I get.

 

Thank you all again so much for your help.

post #20 of 35

I am totally into the "Kids experiment, and stop freaking out" camp when it comes to these things.  I think most parent completely overreact in the experimenting phase.

 

But, these things are not normal at this age.  No 8 year old should even know about this unless she was being shown or taught in some way.  Even if it never happened, she should not know this stuff.  Or the boy should not know this stuff.  Either way, somebody is exposing one of these kids to things that they would not otherwise know anything about for several more years.  

 

I would call the school, give the information to the school counselor and ask him to please talk to the girl's parents.  I don't think I would call the parents yourself, because if something comes of this, the mom will know it was you and your daughter...that might cause problems for your daughter.   

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