Confused

[BrascosPrincess]

My husband and I are fighting for custody of his son whom he had with his ex girlfriend. Our lawyer said that she thinks there is a very good possibility that we should have him by april 5th or sometime in the second week of april. My concern is how he is going to handle coming into my house with three siblings that he has never met, because my husbands ex wouldnt let his son meet them, and my stepson doesn't know me very well either, because she doesn't like me because i had children with her "baby daddy" after she did. His son is almost 4, has been in a very volitile, and abusive household with his mother and her boyfriend, as well as her parents. I'm not sure what to expect as far as his behavior, or how well he is going to take being moved around again (he is currently in foster care) or how well he is going to adjust to being with me full time as my husband works overnights. And to be honest, I'm kind of worried about him saying or calling me mommy, because as much as i would absolutely love that, i dont want to feel that i am trying to take her place or anything, she is still his mother and although i may not like her very much after all of this, and what i have learned she let her boyfriend do to her children, i still dont want to take that title away from her. does any one have any ideas on what to expect when he does come to live with us?

[Mummoth]

You might get some good insight by reading the adoption/foster family forum.

I haven't had the same experience, but I left an abusive marriage with my two kids and there was a lot of difficult behaviour to deal with. What I found helpful was to have a very predictable routine, and give them lots of attention.

Stick to normal rules and boundaries... the temptation is to feel pity for what they've been through and let it be an excuse for bad behaviour, but that doesn't do them any favours. Limits make them feel safe.

One thing thats very helpful is time outside... make sure he gets active playtime every day, it reduces anxiety and burns off energy that might otherwise be used pitching a fit.

For the mommy thing, maybe think of a different name for yourself that he can call you. Do you have a nickname that one of your parents used for you or something that has a story to it that you could share with him and ask him to call you that? I wouldn't worry too much about him calling you mommy, my kids both call their step dad 'dad' and it was a very purposeful effort on their part that took a few week to really gel. My son actually asked for help getting into the habit because it was something he really wanted but felt unsure/awkward going about it. So if you're not okay with it, you'll have time to help him settle into calling you by your first name or a nick name.

[aricha]

I would find a play therapist for him, someone experienced with trauma (and probably attachment issues). His social worker might have some suggestions if you live in the same area where he is in foster care. And I definitely agree with Mummoth regarding routines, structure, and boundaries, as well as outside time. 

[BrascosPrincess]

my husband and i had a long conversation about all this today, he definately made it alot better, and he said if his son wants to call me mommy thats fine and if he doesn't want to that's fine too, and i agree. So thankful he is so loving and supportive, thanks for responses too they were very helpful :)