Because DS's dad lives two states away, I spent the first month with just me, Kenny, and my mom. As agreeded, she'll watch him on occasion when I need to go to the store, but otherwise i'm on my own. This is simple but exhausting. The entire time, I've kept in contact with boyfreind. He's made promises to help when I finally came over to vistit.
Now that I am here, I'm finding myself increasingly fustrated and trapped. He lives in a trailer court five miles from town with no pedestrain freindly areas, so if I want to go somewhere, I have to rely on him - and he complains about gas. The only time I can take walks is when he's home so he can watch DS. I am NOT takoing a stroller on the highway.
In addition, taking care of DS is harder now that at home. He won't do anything with DS unless I ask him point blank to do it, and if he does pick him up when crying, he asks me if I want to take him within a few minuets. Because I find this fustrating and just do what needs to be done without asking him to do much, I feel like i'm hogging our son. He complains about looseing sleep, even though he doesn't have to do anything during the night and I co sleep most of the night, preventing the worst of the crying fits.
All of this leaves me too tired top really be intersted in anything but taking care of my dog and child, in addition to physical difficulties for sex. Last night, I was trying to get the living room organized - I had spread baby cloths from one end to the other - and he come in trying to get me to join him in the bedroom. What happened next is just as much my fault as his, but i'm still feeling angry and hurt, none the less.
I'm cleaning the living room and he come up and starts kissing and hugging me. I kis him back, pull away, and continue working. I'm dreading what's comeing, and sure enough, he comes up behind me again and attempts to remove my shirt. I replace it and continue. This continues: him attemptong to remove my clothing, me ignoreing him and trying to keep cleaning, until he tells me I seem distracted. I tell him i'm trying to clean. I assumed this would be enough to get him to at least change tactics, at lesat to ask me if I want to be left alone, but no, he continues.
Why didn't I just tell him to stop at this point or earlier? I had many, many conflicting emotions at the time, one of which was guilt that I wasn't enjoying it, and my reaction to too much emotion is to shut down and wait fopr the stressor to go away. This is why it's my fault was well as his, but anyway...
After a while, i've given up on really fighting. He get me down and starts touchging me, and then tells me I can make noise. I tell him i'm not interested. Again, I hoped this would make him stop, but no. He starts grinding against me, telling me how much he wants to have sex with me. I remind him i'm still healing and do not want another kid. He continues, and the exchanges happens another three times, me attempting to ignore it. In the end, he tries to do so anyway. because this would and did cause physical pain and not just emotional shut down, I told him to stop, rather forecefully. Cue his fallen face, and an imeadiate wash of guilt on my part. I should have stopped him at the start, but damit, now i'm hurt, and angry, and trapped, and lonely because I can't seem to tell him any of this.