Originally Posted by Shanon Mellan
As sad as it is, even reading tha makes me feel jealous. I have no husband or SO - I have been single since I found out I was pregnant and the father decided he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Funny story - he was in bed with his "best friend" 2 days after leaving me (through text message to boot) and is still with her to this day...
As I am still single, I don't know if I will even get to have another baby, let alone a vbac. I intend to try, but after such a traumatic experience and discovering that, as my doctor put it, my body just wasn't taking well to labor, I am scared I will end up with another emergency c-section and miss it all again.
I'm scared that if I TRY to have a VBAC by the time they realize it's not possible I will be too far in, and then something will happen again and I'll have to be put under because apparently epidurals don't work well with me =/
Shanon, I can relate in so many ways.. I had my first two boys while "married". I use that term loosely because my "husband" was never committed to us, cheated constantly, left us over 20 times in a 3 year period, and was never supportive of me at all. While he was still there and I wasn't totally single, it would have been better for me and for my kids if he had just left and stayed gone. Finally when my kids were 16 months and 2 months old, he did - for a girl he met during an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting while I was in labor for 4 days with our second child. He called me on the phone (at the time texting was a few years in the future) and told me he didn't want to be a father or a husband and he had made a mistake. I let him go, and we were happier without him even if things were really scary and very hard, for about 10 years. I met a man in 2009 who asked me to marry him after we'd dated a while. He was the first I'd introduced to my kids in their entire lives. I let him stay overnight at our house, meet my parents, the whole nine yards. I found out I was pregnant in Nov 2009 with complete shock and something like panic, I hadn't had a child in almost ten years and was unmarried! It really freaked me out, and his response was textbook jerk. He basically told me he didn't want another baby, he had 2 from a previous marriage, and he thought I should have an abortion. I don't believe in abortion, I would never have been able to live with myself (I know some women view it as an option, but it isn't for me). I denied and he flipped. He called me from work crying repeatedly, begging me to get rid of "it". He was deployed to Afghanistan 2 months later and while he was there he stopped returning my calls, emails and texts completely. I thought something had happened to him and was terrified only to find out in an email 2 weeks after Valentine's Day that he was rekindling an old relationship while overseas. I got the email on my phone while almost 5 months pregnant, sitting in a doctor's office with my 2nd child who had strep. He dumped me in that email, telling me if I felt I needed to put the baby up for adoption he would support that decision. I never spoke to him again.
I went through the rest of my pregnancy feeling scared and alone, but had to pretend things were great for the sake of my older kids because they were excited about having a new baby and I didn't want to scare them or take that excitement from them. A month and a half before my baby was due, I very accidentally met a man who asked me if we could possibly date, and I thought he was crazy. I spent 10 years alone, got dumped while pregnant, and this guy wants to date?? Yeah right, I thought lol. So after refusing, shooting him down, telling him I wasn't ready, he finally offered to be there for me when the baby was born. I felt sure that if I agreed he would go away because no one had ever stuck around, especially people who had made promises. But he did. He called me, visited me every day, bought a box of diapers or wipes or whatever we needed to get ready for the baby, and when I finally went into labor he was at my house in 15 minutes kneeling on the floor rubbing my back. It was surreal, but amazing. He was there when my baby was born, the first to hold him, and he had tears in his eyes when he brought him to me. We've been married for 2 years, and our 4th child is due on April 18th. So, while I know how scary your situation feels, you are not alone. You are strong - you have to be, you're the single most important person to your daughter - and even though you need your strength having people to talk to is so important. I know as well as anyone that that is true.
My first birth was a csection for no good reason, my doctor also told me some women weren't made for child birth. I posted that experience here in an earlier response, but you know what? Turns out my body is phenomenal in labor!! I take a long time, my shortest labor was 7 hours but my longest was 4 days, and after that first nightmare my 2 VBAC's were totally awesome. I am expecting my 3rd VBAC to be just as great and will be having another water birth, which is incredibly helpful for me. A word of advice - education and preparation are extremely important for a woman attempting VBAC. If you choose to have another child, I would suggest the Bradley Method of Childbirth, contacting the ICAN chapter in your area, getting a doula, having people you trust present at your birth experience and shopping around for a doctor or midwife who supports you. Even though you had a true emergency in your first birth, that doesn't mean they will all end the same way, each birth is different. It is possible to deliver naturally after a traumatic experience, sometimes it can even be very healing, and even if it ends with another csection, at least you got to try. I wish you all the luck in the world!!