Need help with "laws" and advanced placement for 20m DD. (long post sry) - Page 2

[Geofizz]

Originally Posted by Mom2010 

Wow, how did I miss that comment....if the not yet two year old was doing all the same things as the 3 year old and had her own supervision separate from the lead educator and other teachers for the kids you would feel this way.  I feel that is very unfortunate.  My child obviously can't get what she "needs" because she is far to advanced for a younger setting....and you would walk out on a school because you simply would see a younger child, not even give time to evaluate their suitability because...."She's to young...and if she's going to be here I'm leaving"    Fortunately, The parents of the other children are understanding, always speaking highly and impressively of DD, and completely suport the fact that she is there.   I get told all the time by other parents how much their kids have grown by having her around and how much their kids love to play and work with her.  Also, during more formalized classes, she isn't even in the room...

Teachers aren't taken away because she is there, they are added, which ironically, because of her abilities, adds more teachers for the older kids, not less.

We cross posted.

I'm sharing my experience.  We've had several negative experiences with people bending age rules.  IT hasn't worked in my experience.

My kids are as exceptional as your little girl sounds to be.  It's a constant struggle.  This summer, the parks and rec has broken down all their camps as ages 5-6 or ages 7-10.  My almost 7 year old won't be going to those camps.  He's developmentally beyond the 5-6 group, but at 6.75 years, he won't yet be 7.

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by Mom2010 

Again, I completely understand where this train of thought is coming from.  I have tried to explain how this seemingly logical answer just hasn't worked for my daughter.  Although it is the easy, straight forward, logical, Typical, and cost effective solution.... it just is not working.   Let me try to explain what I see of my daughter, that might help posters understand that if I thought this was an answer, I would have done it (or I should say, would have continued to do so).

We are talking about a 20m old that (while browsing through the baby center website.) easily and a long time ago meet all milestones including advanced skill past a two year old.  This page seems to fit her about 90% http://www.babycenter.com/0_learning-milestones-cognitive-skills-ages-3-and-4_72271.bcw

Things she can do in addition to these are name over 18 parts of her body, (she will say what they are).  Has a 800-1000 word vocabulary...(I started recently trying to count them again but am not sure).  Speaks in 7 word sentences.  Knows all close "people" by name, (about 15 or so?) not including dogs by name and stuffed animals by name and some movie characters.  Wipes herself when on the potty, can understand and completes multi tasking directives (about three separate tasks are her limit, four is a little much).  She was brushing her own teeth around 6 months and washing her own hands properly around 7m.    If a child gets hurt she will ask the child if they are okay, go up to the teacher, articulate what happened, where the injury was occurred on the body, what "object" the body part hit, that the child is hurt and crying, but okay. She has a fish puzzle that requires her to match about 10 color "tails" to the heads.  She removes and puts back these pieces on her own and correctly in less than 5 minutes (never timed).  Sometimes she thinks its funny to put one in the wrong place look up at me and say "Nooooo" shake her head and laughs and laughs and then puts it in the right place. She also sings many songs, including the alphabet and learned how to count to 10 in less than a week. 

Things she can't do:  Dress herself; Draw a cross; potty trained (completely), and not sure if she could ride a tricycle but it wouldn't surprise me because she rides around in her battery powered ATV..

Placing a child like this in an "age appropriate" climate with other kids that may not be able to even walk, or talk, playing with toys that rattle and spin.........

No good.  She was in an age appropriate day care ages 1-2 when she was about 11m-15m...  After she was in the class for about 3 months the day care approached me about her "needs" and that they could not meet them, how "different" she was and that I should look into specialized care.  I had no idea about "giftedness" up till this point, and still am dealing with trying to teach people understanding for support.  In her old child care she was becoming violent, and angry, digressing and crawling and crying and ... it was horrible.   If she did all that at 13m...    No, this is not an option.

On everything else you said....I completely agree...Safe and legal.  If it can't be done legally I will find a place for her until it can be.

I don't think anyone here is misunderstanding the situation. Most of us have had 20-month-olds just like this but BTDT experience has us looking at your situation a little differently. I guess some are trying to save you the burnt out of throwing all your fight into situations that would be less than ideal anyway.

Personally, we handled our situation by being home with our kids longterm (which has meant DH and myself working opposite shifts at times, my dropping to part-time or freelance, for a few years it meant being a total SAHM.) Now, this isn't a judgement. I absolutely know this isn't possible for all and that it's not even "best" for all families. I just can't fathom how my kids would have fit into a full-time care situation being who they are. At 20 months, DD wanted to be at the art museum everyday and  DS wanted to hike around in parks from sunrise to sunset. If it were impossible for either parent to be there, I would have sought a nanny who could give one-on-one attention. Is this at all a possibility for you? It's just something I'd seriously explore.

[Mom2010]

Originally Posted by Geofizz 

You've come to the right forum to find understanding and commiseration for when you child doesn't fit.   We get it, and we've lived it.

For a lot of the mathematical milestones, I couldn't find a description of my DS' skills when he was 3 on the PBS development tracker at any age level (much better than babycenter, IMO).  A lot of us have a lot of experience in this kind of thing now.  I've been there with childcare misfits, I've been there with preschool misfits, and I've been there with schooling misfits.  I think we get it.  We understand that your child is probably not well served in a room exclusively for kids 18-30 mo (a standard age range).  However, you will likely need to find something appropriate for the under 2.5 year old set, as your DD is likely not past the mouthing stage (you might think you are, but until those 2 year molars come in, you don't know )  I remember being so frustrated because DS' toddler room only had those peg puzzles and 2 6-piece wooden jigsaw puzzles.  He'd been doing those since the moment he developed a pincer grasp (7? 8? months?).  At the time they were trying to get him interested in those puzzles, he was doing 50 piece puzzles picture side down.  But there are no 50 piece puzzles where none of the  pieces fit through their handy choking tube tester.  We were able to agree that maybe puzzles wouldn't be a skill he worked on during the day.

My family has done 4 child care centers, three preschools, a nanny and a nanny share.  All solutions are temporary.  Neither of my children have had more than 11 months straight of the same care situation.

You've bounced out of one place because it wasn't a good fit, and you found yourself someplace that seems great, but is evidently unaware of the licensing laws.  Take these experiences as lesson learned and keep looking for a better fit.  You're in a big, urban environment.  There are more places out there.  Ask on Berkeley Parent's Network for specific recommendations.

Although I understand this is just a singular point you are trying to make...my daughter never "mouthed" things.  Even as an infant.  She refused pacifiers and just doesn't put things in her mouth. She never ever did, and we tried!  She has a full set of teeth (as far as I know) and has for a while, however I don't know if there are some 2 year old molars in the back that need to come in, again, I was told she had all her teeth break.  If they haven't when she gets them it is completely possible that she may develop a mouthing thing...she may develop a mouthing thing just because one day, but...your right, I don't know if this will ever happen.

We have been through 7 places, 3 at home, 3 child cares, and 1 gifted co-op.  I am now looking at a possible move or two till she is three, a possible summer program placement and a move back at 3.   Although I understand that this happens, and she is adaptable and young, but I would really like to offer her some stability. 

Also, I do not think she is alone, I do not feel I am the only one struggling with this, or that ever has.  As a community of parents that all have specially gifted children, I imagine that all or most have gone through exactly this.  She does some things faster than others, and some thing I hear of others are so remarkable.  Like many of your child's accomplisments.  I love hearing about things like this.  Doing puzzles upside down.  Wow.  I am concerned simply for what is best for my child, I can't do anything but try to say that a group of kids that are 2.5 and older hasn't worked for her.  Maybe a place out there that has other advanced children her age would work, but I don't know any.  

I will try Berkeley's Parent's Network for some recommendations.   I went through Bananas a while back and they said they didn't know of anything.   Thank you very much for the recommendation on this site.  I am open minded to other suggestion like this...Anyone in the area that knows of a mix age place or some other resource would be much appreciated if the place she is in doesn't work.  I want to find a good stable legal safe place for her, I am open to suggestions.

Also, please forgive me for coming off combative. (I was thinking I might be and it is not my best quality) It is something I am learning to take in stride and be reasonable with, I have had so many people make so many negative comments in regards to my daughter that I never thought I would have to deal with, and I am still learning to tell the difference between the constructive criticism and advice that I may disagree with but might need to hear (or might not apply but is trying to be honest and helpful), and the close minded comments that come from a lack of understanding. 

Thank you all for your responses, and for being honest. 

[SimonMom]

Purely from the things you stated..her vocabulary, etc...she sounds advanced, but not so advanced she wouldn't fit in well at a nurturing, play based preschool. In my opinion she would not fit in well with 5 or 6 year old kids, based just on what you specifically described. That's just my observation. My eldest child is 8, and gifted, although not profoundly so, and I'm pretty sure he could do all those things you listed by age 2. All three of my extremely bright children in fact could do those things listed and had no problem in a daycare or preschool. What specific problems in a typical daycare are you having? I also would not feel comfortable with such a young child in the same classroom as my 6 or 8 year old. They are just light years apart, no matter how advanced your daughter is.

[ChitownTracy]

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Edited by ChitownTracy - 4/17/12 at 8:50am

[ChitownTracy]

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Edited by ChitownTracy - 4/17/12 at 8:50am

[JollyGG]

If you cannot get this situation to work out have you considered looking for something slightly different in child care?

I do get the level of skill you are talking about, as other parent's have mentioned. I never sent my kids to preschool. I saw absolutely no point to it. As you have discovered, many of the skills being worked on were ones my child had already mastered, was likely to master on their own, or had no interest in. I did, however, have to work full time as did my husband. We set out to find a childcare with no academics. The one we settled on was a home daycare (so multi-age birth-6years). She did do a worksheet a couple of times a week with the kids, with each kid working on something at their own level, but never spent more than 20 minutes on the task. More often that 20 minutes was spent on a craft project. She read to the kids every day and the kids went outside every single day. We live somewhere much colder than you, but the outside time was our number one priority. When we found a sitter that was sure to warn us that she sends the kids outs rain, shine, snow, cold, or whatever and to be sure to send our kids with the appropriate weather gear and a few backups for the unexpected we knew we had found the right place. Having the chance to explore outside and the chance to expend a bunch of energy every day was better than all the academics in the world for funneling my kids curiosity and energy.

We happened to also stumble upon a really good social cohort as well. He had a group of friends who were all 6-18 months older than him and at least two of those kids have since proven themselves to be gifted as well. But this was certainly not a setting where giftedness was expected or anticipated. It was all about the play.

[Mom2010]

I don't think anyone here is misunderstanding the situation. Most of us have had 20-month-olds just like this but BTDT experience has us looking at your situation a little differently. I guess some are trying to save you the burnt out of throwing all your fight into situations that would be less than ideal anyway.

I know I felt like this when I made this post.  I didn't mean to be close minded like that.  I should have known better.  My experiences finding places and understanding for my DD has lead me into some bad habits of over reactive defensiveness and a very very inaccurate assumption of "if you were in my shoes you would understand and agree with me."  Lol wrong.  How can I come onto a site and ask for help and be so close minded?  Shame on me.  I am trying to go back and reverse, taking suggestions and advice for what it is, experienced, and caring and honest.  People are trying to post to help me because they have been in my shoes.  And who wouldn't be concerned if they see someone trying to bend the rules, especially when safety can be involved?  Who wouldn't be concerned if there was a toddler in their child's "high school" environment?  I am just going to be really sad to have to see this opportunity go.  But everyone is right.  There are other options, even if you have to change them and keep trying.  It is my job to be open minded, and adaptable, and find those places best for her.

 If it were impossible for either parent to be there, I would have sought a nanny who could give one-on-one attention. Is this at all a possibility for you? It's just something I'd seriously explore.

I would love love love to be an at home mom.  I also can imagine how difficult it must have been for you and your DH to have to juggle two jobs so someone could always be home.  Unfortunately my DH and I are both active duty military.  Good news is that in about 7 years (when she is 8/9) both or one of us will retire and be home with her (or out with her).  (Here is hoping for the lottery he he).  

I have considered a "nanny" type.  When we did one on one care with her, one lady kept passing out, then the next lady doubled her price and dropped us, and the next lady was being beaten by her husband....All came HIGHLY recommended by friends and the last one was the highest recommend person from a Child Care center and locals.  I though maybe at my house with camera's....I just am SO worried about that after my experiences.  But yes, I would love that!

[Mom2010]

Originally Posted by SimonMom 

Purely from the things you stated..her vocabulary, etc...she sounds advanced, but not so advanced she wouldn't fit in well at a nurturing, play based preschool. In my opinion she would not fit in well with 5 or 6 year old kids, based just on what you specifically described. That's just my observation. My eldest child is 8, and gifted, although not profoundly so, and I'm pretty sure he could do all those things you listed by age 2. All three of my extremely bright children in fact could do those things listed and had no problem in a daycare or preschool. What specific problems in a typical daycare are you having? I also would not feel comfortable with such a young child in the same classroom as my 6 or 8 year old. They are just light years apart, no matter how advanced your daughter is.

I agree.   I think she would do well in a 3-5 (typical) year old group. Maybe even a 2-5. Like you were saying "preschool age".  This would give her some identical peers, some "look up to" peers, and some learning on how to be with "younger" peers.  And she could be there for a while.  I hate to keep moving her.  She currently does well with the older group setting, but she is definitely not on par with a 5 year old.  I would like to see her in a preschool age group, but in no way does it have to be a pre-school.

I would love a play based pre-school / daycare, she is very active.  She can have a high attention span, but she is just so full of energy.    The place she is in mixes the preschool and the school.  Its not that I think she belongs with 6-8 year olds.  And if it was just school age for gifted, 5+, I also would think she doesn't belong there.  I just wanted her to be a part of the preschool element, and it so happens to mix with the K+.  She does well there, but I can completely understand.  If my gifted 8 year old was going to school and there was a daycare 2 year old (even if advanced) in the classroom, I don't know how I would feel either.  Hopefully the school will get the attendance and funding required to run a pre-school element separate from a school age element.  I think this is their goal.

[spedteacher30]

We had significant issues in daycare/preschool for our son. We tried age-appropriate settings, we tried mixed age groups. Ultimately, what he really needed was time to grow into his own skin. He is incredibly stubborn, incredibly intense, and advanced cognitively and academically.

I also think you would be better served finding her an age-appropriate play-based setting. Most 20 month olds do better with older children, because the older children are able to incorporate the needs of a younger child and have the social skills to share, let things go, etc. 2-3 year olds are still figuring out how to be in the same place together and solve conflicts. there won't be conflicts between a 20 month old and a 6 year old because the 6 year old will let the 20 month old do what s/he wants since 6 year olds understand that 20 month olds are babies.

you say your child can't get what she needs in an age-appropriate setting. What are her needs that aren't being met? Perhaps my greatest regret with our son is putting him into a 3-6 Montessori classroom as a 2.5 year old. Cognitively, he was totally ready for the works--in fact, if anything, they never found his sweet spot in terms of work. Socially and emotionally, it was an unmitigated disaster, and they were totally unable to accommodate his asynchronicity.

[Mom2010]

Quote:

Originally Posted by spedteacher30 

We had significant issues in daycare/preschool for our son. We tried age-appropriate settings, we tried mixed age groups. Ultimately, what he really needed was time to grow into his own skin. He is incredibly stubborn, incredibly intense, and advanced cognitively and academically.

I also think you would be better served finding her an age-appropriate play-based setting. Most 20 month olds do better with older children, because the older children are able to incorporate the needs of a younger child and have the social skills to share, let things go, etc. 2-3 year olds are still figuring out how to be in the same place together and solve conflicts. there won't be conflicts between a 20 month old and a 6 year old because the 6 year old will let the 20 month old do what s/he wants since 6 year olds understand that 20 month olds are babies.

you say your child can't get what she needs in an age-appropriate setting. What are her needs that aren't being met? Perhaps my greatest regret with our son is putting him into a 3-6 Montessori classroom as a 2.5 year old. Cognitively, he was totally ready for the works--in fact, if anything, they never found his sweet spot in terms of work. Socially and emotionally, it was an unmitigated disaster, and they were totally unable to accommodate his asynchronicity.

  Yes!!!! That!!!!  

I wish I could cut this out and make it my original thread starter.  This is what I am trying to solve.  I am going to definitely keep in mind what you are saying about the Montessori thing.  I need to find a place that is age appropriate that can handle her asynchronous issues.  She is very intense and sensitive and has this weird independent/needy thing that is hard to explain.  Her mind can do things her body can't and her emotions explode.   When they all meet up things are great, when they don't...look out.  It's about to get intense.  This happens a lot around the time she starts to take a "leap" of learning something. 

She does best with older kids exactly for the reason you are stating, she looks up to them and can play with them, but it is because of THEIR maturity that this works, not because she is anywhere near their age comparative. 

I think because in a typical day care setting they aren't really equipped to handle the asynchronous and sensitivities. The "toys" they have aren't "advanced" enough to provide a happy form of play/mental engagement for her and they aren't really prepared for the lash back of a overly frustrated, intense, sensitive, child.  I am trying to formulate a response that would explain more of what activities I think she might do well with and pros and cons of a typical day care, but it is harder than i thought it would be.  What is different about the place she is in now, that was different from a day care?  I think it is the teachers understanding of asynchronous development and how to handle it, and a place that plays outside constantly and has advanced activities that keep her engaged. 

[SimonMom]

Ok, seriously...I was trying to be kinda nice before. But if i'm blunt I think you are being all "special snowflake" with your daughter. I actually meant preschool as in with her same age mates. She'll be 2 in a few months, and I don't see anything you've said that would necessitate her being placed with older children. Toys that aren't advanced enough?? Maybe it's just me, but I really like me some open ended play :p I fail to see how a toy kitchen wouldn't be fun for your daughter..or blocks, or dolls. Those are toys that would work well for many ages. 

This is the reason why I often avoid this forum, so many people think their kids are special snowflakes, especially those with their first child around toddler age. You are way over thinking this imo. Did i read correctly that she's been at SEVEN different daycares?? And she changed so much because they weren't suiting her needs *exactly*? I can't even fathom having so many problems with soo many different places. Maybe I've just lucked out. Coming from a gifted adult with 3 gifted children who have a extremely gifted father....giftedness is way overrated. :p

[JudiAU]

California regulates daycares and preschools very differently than K-12 education. The school is required to follow the daycare/preschool code if they want to serve children in that age range. The school cannot deviate from the licensing and still serve children of that age. In addition to the state codes, the school might belong to other organizations such as NAECTE that has mandatory requirements as well.

http://www.dss.cahwnet.gov/ord/PG587.htm

[spedteacher30]

Right, and I think you are missing the point. I also think you should scale it back and go for a play based center. Montessori was a disaster for our son because of the academics. Well, it was a disaster for a lot of reasons, but the academics were a huge part of that. They could not keep him approriately challenged.

He did better in a play based center experience, with little to no academics and only same age peers. The adults in the play based center actually worked with him to learn the social skills he needed.

And. I can't imagine 7 settings before a child is 2. I felt terrible that we had five settings total before kindergarten.

[Mom2010]

I can only interpret this as deliberately hurtful when it is started...

Ok, seriously...I was trying to be kinda nice before.....
 

Originally Posted by SimonMom 

I actually meant preschool as in with her same age mates. She'll be 2 in a few months, and I don't see anything you've said that would necessitate her being placed with older children.

One: It was a previous child care and also advice of others who had suggested to me a mix age group would work best for her because of an experience when she was younger.  I have no idea how she would be in a 2-3 year old group, but when she was 1 in a 1-2 year old group, it didn't work.

What's so extravagant about a Mom, who after being told your daughter needs a mixed age group setting, acknowledging that her child does well in that environment.  I don't think that assuming my daughter will do well in a 2-4/5 year old group, at the age of 2, is over the top, especially when I have stated that the 3-5 year olds would be someone to look up to.  How is saying when she is two years old she could do well in a mix aged 2+ year old environment....brought on this backlash?

Toys that aren't advanced enough?? Maybe it's just me, but I really like me some open ended play :p I fail to see how a toy kitchen wouldn't be fun for your daughter..or blocks, or dolls. Those are toys that would work well for many ages.

So do I, and so does my daughter.  She likes to play with dolls, as a matter of fact, her comfort toys are dolls.  She likes blocks too, and a toy kitchen is okay, she likes cars, and those little toy tool benches, but the best open ended play she does is with water.  She really likes her some water play (which makes baths a blast).  There are many things that are open ended that will entertain my DD.  And for some good amounts of time, sometimes for a good while, and sometimes, a short while.  Its not that my DD doesn't like to play, she does...she just also likes to "learn".  She seems to be able to do well with open ended play the best when it is accompanied by other forms of learning stimuli.   When she was in a infant room, as she was a while ago, she wanted to build things and take things apart and put them together, and these types of toys weren't available in an infant room.  Because these types of toys have small parts and were choking hazards to the other infants.  There was a toy kitchen in the room, which she did play with...but when that was the only toy other than rattles and soft big blocks, she just got bored...it's just something that we had to deal with.  The teachers in that class however were wonderful, and they were teaching her how to spell her name and talk in different languages (which sometimes created interesting things at home because I am not bi-lingual) but it was fun.  And they were so caring and trying so hard to keep her occupied, and I knew she was loved and cared for, I never asked for more, and it wasn't me who wanted to move her, it was the teachers and the director, but I will get to that to answer something else you said.

You are way over thinking this imo.  Did i read correctly that she's been at SEVEN different daycares?? And she changed so much because they weren't suiting her needs *exactly*?

You did read that she has been to 7 and I miscounted she has been to 6.  However she has not changed because I didn't fell that they weren't suiting her needs *exactly*.  This is not how I think.  I think I mentioned that both me and my husband were active duty military and why she has been moved around, but this is basically how it went. 

     First we had her in a one on one care provider.  A lady who did foster care for two other children who she was looking to adopt.  She had been to schools and had training that I loved!  She got "sick" and started passing out and getting dizzy spells at random moments of the day.  This isn't a good scenario, and both me and the lady decided that until she got better or figured out what was wrong, my DD was to young to be in that situation.  I mean, what if she was holding her at the time?  

     Second (still looking for one on one)  I went to a lady who had many children of her own and was just looking for some extra income and was excited about having a little baby in the house to play with.   However, me and her had a falling out, because we had arranged a set price, and then she left a message on my phone on a Sunday night that if I wasn't willing to pay double, I couldn't bring her Monday.  Ironically, I would have paid her that much, but she placed me in a really bad position with work and I felt that the way she went about the whole situation was wrong.  I didn't feel personally comfortable doing "business" with her at that point, however, I never questioned the quality of care she gave my daughter.  My best friend and I actually cried over this because I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, but if I couldn't trust that what we agreed upon wouldn't instantly change and me possible not having a place for my DD to go, how could I feel comfortable? 

    Third place:  Highly recommended home care through a Child care center.  Later I was told that my daughter wouldn't be able to go to the house because they found out the lady was being beat by her husband...so then the Child care center took her in.  This is why I still worry about one on one care and prefer care centers. 

     Forth, the CDC watched my DD in an infant room and though she came home with lots of bump and bruises because they weren't use to walkers and she kept falling on things, everything else was perfectly fine, and we didn't worry about the bumps and bruises, because she was learning to walk.  She only moved from the Child Care Center  because we transferred from Va to Ca.           

     Fifth:  She went to a local day care we LOVED!!!  I didn't want her to leave, this is the one I was talking about earlier, it was the teachers and director that felt she needed a different environment...this was this first place that ever mentioned "gifted".  I always knew she hit milestones early, but I just thought it was kind-of cool.  Like well, we have a strong one, hopefully she'll be smart too.   As she stayed at this place longer things got progressively worse for DD's personality.  The teachers asked me to seriously consider moving her, that they loved her, and wished they could do more, but thought it would be best if we could move her appropriately, and they couldn't move her up till she was two.  This is when I did a check up with the "doctor" and asked if this was the case, at which she expressed that she was indeed very advanced in her development, and would probably need a different environment.   This is when I came to this forum asking for advice, and the general thought was, she probably would do better in a mix age group. 

     So, I found the place she is at now, and again, I am not the one that wants to move her, I think she is doing great. 

I can't even fathom having so many problems with soo many different places. Maybe I've just lucked out.

It would seem so.

Coming from a gifted adult with 3 gifted children who have a extremely gifted father....giftedness is way overrated. :p

After all the end goal is to provide a happy environment for DD to grow, to blossom into good PERSON, hopefully find the kind of happiness I have found with my husband, and live her life as she wishes.  All things that usually require good days, bad days, and a full time job.  And being intelligent doesn't determine the kind of person you are, how you choose to live your life, or treat the people around you.

 I also am not the type to think my daughter is "better than" because she is probably gifted, only that her needs seem to be different, and I am trying to meet them. I am much more impressed with my daughters natural love of people and animals, and her extrovertedness and concern for someones well-being, than I am with some of the other things she does. Even though she does just simply impress me all the time, it is the type of person she seems to be becoming that puts a smile on my face everyday. 

 But if i'm blunt I think you are being all "special snowflake" with your daughter. This is the reason why I often avoid this forum, so many people think their kids are special snowflakes, especially those with their first child around toddler age.

No need to insult someone.  Some people have a higher view of there child's abilities than may be accurate.  This mentality is not limited to first time mothers, or mothers of bright children.  I don't understand the point of saying "You think your kid is soooooooooo special, role eyes."    

But  (if i could be so blunt) I think your assumption of how I view my daughter, is incorrect.  And your approach comes off unnecessarily demeaning.  She is special to me, but that doesn't mean I think she is better than everyone else. And I don't think I deserve to get this kind of negative reaction, to an attempt to do the right thing.

  I am learning here. 

[Mom2010]

Originally Posted by spedteacher30 

Right, and I think you are missing the point. I also think you should scale it back and go for a play based center

LOL   I hope I'm not still.    I didn't mean I'd consider sending her to one, but seriously consider not, because you said it didn't work and I seemed to relate a lot to your OP.  I was starting to think a play based child care with a small deviation on age, basically a toddlers play group 2-4 maybe? And that way if it doesn't work, at 3, I could always move her back, because she would be old enough then. Or I would just cave in and go back to one on one despite my fears.

He did better in a play based center experience, with little to no academics and only same age peers.

I would love to have her in a play based child care with same age peers...It just didn't seem to fair to well in her past, but maybe it would be different...IDK, I will just have to see.  Maybe I can ask a place if I can do some trial "drop ins" for a while, and if it works go for it again.

And. I can't imagine 7 settings before a child is 2. I felt terrible that we had five settings total before kindergarten.

I miss-counted in my head and it's actually only been 6, but yes it completely sucks. 

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by Mom2010 

I know I felt like this when I made this post.  I didn't mean to be close minded like that.  I should have known better.  My experiences finding places and understanding for my DD has lead me into some bad habits of over reactive defensiveness and a very very inaccurate assumption of "if you were in my shoes you would understand and agree with me."  Lol wrong.  How can I come onto a site and ask for help and be so close minded?  Shame on me.  I am trying to go back and reverse, taking suggestions and advice for what it is, experienced, and caring and honest.  People are trying to post to help me because they have been in my shoes.  And who wouldn't be concerned if they see someone trying to bend the rules, especially when safety can be involved?  Who wouldn't be concerned if there was a toddler in their child's "high school" environment?  I am just going to be really sad to have to see this opportunity go.  But everyone is right.  There are other options, even if you have to change them and keep trying.  It is my job to be open minded, and adaptable, and find those places best for her.

 If it were impossible for either parent to be there, I would have sought a nanny who could give one-on-one attention. Is this at all a possibility for you? It's just something I'd seriously explore.

I would love love love to be an at home mom.  I also can imagine how difficult it must have been for you and your DH to have to juggle two jobs so someone could always be home.  Unfortunately my DH and I are both active duty military.  Good news is that in about 7 years (when she is 8/9) both or one of us will retire and be home with her (or out with her).  (Here is hoping for the lottery he he).  

I have considered a "nanny" type.  When we did one on one care with her, one lady kept passing out, then the next lady doubled her price and dropped us, and the next lady was being beaten by her husband....All came HIGHLY recommended by friends and the last one was the highest recommend person from a Child Care center and locals.  I though maybe at my house with camera's....I just am SO worried about that after my experiences.  But yes, I would love that!

Hey, I get it. The pressure in the beginning to "get it right" is ridiculously high. I know I worried about everything with my first child and obsessed about things that in the long run, were minor blips... of course, how was I to understand they were minor blips back then? It still hits me at times when we head into unknown territories. I had moments of freak out prior to middle school and high school. My 15-year-old is heading to a special college program in the fall... yeah, it's taking everything in me not to blow my concerns out of proportion. It's totally normal for you to worry and be concerned. Just keep in mind that your DD is growing up in a safe home, food on the table, and parents who listen to and love her. That's 90 percent of good parenting right there!

I'm sorry to hear the nanny situation hasn't been working. I guess just keep an eye out for potentiols.... maybe an au pair or a college student... maybe you can find a friend who has someone she likes and is willing to do share. As for her current preschool, you can of course ask but I wouldn't fight it too hard if they say "no" to putting her in the older classes. Give it a try with the 2-year-olds. What she'll lose in peers she'll gain in the smaller ratios and more adult time.

[ellemenope]

This place you describe sounds like homeschool co-op for gifted children-- neither an accredited school nor a licensed day care.  Am I right?  There are only 4 kids there full-time, and your daughter is the youngest by almost 2 years?  I think these people might have been a little too ambitious thinking they could accept toddlers into their program.  I would be upset about a place opening their doors to me without having known about childcare laws.  

I don't know about loopholes.  But, my advice for childcare if this doesn't work out would be to seek out a small in-home setting with mixed ages.  You had mentioned upthread that some parents come and stay with their children part-time.  How awesome would it be to find one of these homeschooling parents to watch and educate your daughter during the day?  As far as preschool, we went the play-based route and have had no problems.  

I thought the 18-24 months were the most difficult months for me.  It is just a difficult age.  The way your daughter is behaving is just how this age group acts.  It has very little to do with being advanced or daycare settings.

[MamaMunchkin]

Don't waste your time figuring out the laws and legal issues on your own - let the child care center do it, it's part of their job description.  Your job is to find out if what they offer can work for you or not.   If not, find another one that can.  If you were stuck in some public school and you have to navigate the system on your own, that's a different story.  But before kindergarten, it's more flexible.

The emphasis on providing stimulation and everything educational at all times has its limits - sometimes children need to figure out how to entertain themselves with very simple toys, not even toys, almost all age-appropriate objects will do.  Nothing educational, nothing advanced, plain boring old ... stuff ... - a simple block, a wheel, paper towel roll etc.  It can be very surprising what they can come up with, even from a toddler.  Boredom, under-stimulation, sometimes can be the impetus of very creative things.

Bottomline, when a kid is advanced for their age, you usually have 2 options -  let them go deeper or let them go wider with their interests.  Either is fine, both is fine, neither is fine too.

[Mom2010]

Originally Posted by ellemenope 

This place you describe sounds like homeschool co-op for gifted children-- neither an accredited school nor a licensed day care.  Am I right?  There are only 4 kids there full-time, and your daughter is the youngest by almost 2 years?  I think these people might have been a little too ambitious thinking they could accept toddlers into their program.  I would be upset about a place opening their doors to me without having known about childcare laws.  

This is pretty much it.  Yes, it is an upset.

How awesome would it be to find one of these homeschooling parents to watch and educate your daughter during the day?

Great suggestion!!!!!!!!!!!  I am going to ask just that!  Thank you. Many parents always offer to watch her, one in particular...loves her and always asks...it might not work, but man that would be great.  

The way your daughter is behaving is just how this age group acts. It has very little to do with being advanced or daycare settings.

Good to know, sometimes it is hard to tell the difference for me.