Queer & Pregnant & Parenting - April, May, June! - Page 7

[prettyisa]

Still here, still…preggo. Hmpf. The kid is happy, though we have to go in for two non stress tests and an ultrasound to confirm. Considering how bouncy and kicky it’s been though, I’m not concerned. Prosper is like, ‘what? I’ve got temperature control, 24-hour food on demand, and a soothing bouncing motion most of the time. All you fools have is sunlight. Why would I leave?’ Eviction date is this weekend though, so I’m trying to make things as uncomfy as possible before then so it'll come out on its own. We took a 5-hour epic walk on Saturday that was great but did nothing. –sigh-

AHope—very curious to see this mei tai! It looks lovely in the pictures, but I’d like to feel it, too. Hoping for better digestion on L’s part! That doesn’t sound like fun at all.

Nos—whoa! What a beta! Can’t wait to hear what’s going on in there!

Desert—I love the pics! We looked at subarus (DP has a dream…) but decided to go minivan because we’re in it to potentially win it on the lots of kids front. Even if we only have two I think we like having the space, but if we end up with more than that it’ll be necessary, and buying a car was so stressful to me that I’d like to not have to do it again for a long time if possible. So far the Dodge grand caravan has been lovely—easy to drive, comfortable, roomy. It’s hard to parallel park in the city, but we just need more practice.

Starling—I love the idea of you taking on more kiddos! Do you have a timeframe for starting? I know here the process can take a really long time. Would you consider older kids or only babies? I’m so curious about adoption stuff—one of my good friends is doing an Ethiopian adoption now and it’s been fascinating learning about that process and reading the books she recommends on blended families, especially multi-racial ones.

[LibraryLady]

Hey everyone.  Nice dull Sunday to go with our overly exciting Friday and Saturday. I was tired of being in front of the tv monitoring the weather, so Ace and I went for a drive to look at storm damage and there was a lot of it, much too close to our house. Ugh.  We could actually hear the tornado from the basement hidey hole Friday night, which is as close as I've ever been and ever hope to be!  Hoping for a quiet rest of the season, though I'm sure that's too much to hope for.    Now it's testing week and I have to babysit a library full of the kids who don't take the tests.  None of the teachers send any work for them to do and they just mill around for hours. Yawn. I'm so over this year and this place, it's hard to get motivated even to shelve books. Fortunately you can do a lot of real estate browsing online...  Three days until DP turns in the draft of her dissertation. She's so stressed out and exhausted it's just awful, poor thing. She works at the library until 3 in the morning and then has to get up with Ace after I go to work. Looking forward to the end of all this.  Then the moving stress starts, but still...

Isa~ No baby!!  That is quite a walk you took, though, but I can't say I blame kiddo for not wanting to leave such a sweet setup.  I hope for your sake it's not much longer.

Nos~ That's a heckuva beta!  I'm eager to hear the results!  And I  lol'd for real at your description of the French pregnancy stick.  Have you read Ellis Avery's new book The Last Nude?  Lesbians, Paris, 1920's. Pretty much all one would ever want from a book. Whew!!!

Starling~ Amazing about adopting!!  Good for you and good for the lucky kiddo(s) who end up with you .  My DP just said that she'd like to try and birth one of her own in a few years, and that after that she'd like to try and adopt, so we might end up with a bit more of a houseful Exciting.  

I'm forgetting people, but I'm still fuzzy brained. More coffee...

[smilingsara]

Isa, I was banking on an idea I concocted up that you really had the baby days ago and just didn't tell us! I'm rather disappointed thats not the case! What else are you going to try to get the little one to pack their bags?! Caster oil? Starlings magic labor drink? Walk to ohio to visit us and I can catch the babe for you?! COME OUT LITTLE BABY!

Library, I'm glad you're all safe after your crazy weekend!

AFM: I'm 9 months today! Had a bunch of irregular contractions last night. I've been trying to walk a bunch each day to get my body in shape for labor. Last night it was so nice we did our walk twice, which is about 2 miles. Yeasterday we also finished scraping the chipping paint in the bathroom, primed it and then cut all of the trim to paint tomorrow! I think this is the biggest project on my list of things to do before Soren comes and to baby proof for almost crawling Shay! 

My parents are coming for the weekend friday night. Growth scan tomorrow. 

Thats all really.

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by darthtunaqueen 

Threadcrashing to ask Carmen and Starling how much adoption costs in BC... Friends of ours looked into it and we're told $35K... Which seems a little ridiculous... Especially since there are SO many kids in the foster system.... Another friend also does the safe babies fostering, which is interesting!!!

That's for a private adoption through an agency. We're looking at adopting through the government which would mean a child already in foster care. We'd adopt an older child (but younger than our own). I have friends (2 mom family) that have adopted all three of their kids through the foster system...siblings and a single child. They have had a great experience and are huge advocates of it. I believe the cost is very minimal...less than 1000.00 for sure.

[seraf]

Carmen, congrats!

Isa, sorry 5 hours didn't encourage her along. Sending lots of easy labor vibes your way.

Starling, way cool.

[CrystalPerez]

hello everyone!!!!

I have really missed reading along to everyone's lives and sharing mine with you all. I found it quite difficult to NAK on the couch with a laptop! Cohen is awesome and everything I hoped he would be. He had his 4 month check up today and is SUPER cranky from the shots, he is taking a nap now which is something he doesnt normally do. During the past 2 weeks he has started sleeping through the night! Though he doesnt always, its about 50/50. He is still up every 2 hours sometimes. I never thought I could run on so little sleep like I did the first few months.

I need some advice (as usual =]). DP and I agreed that I should breastfeed Cohen until about 6 months. DP has since decided that she thinks bf is disgusting. It really bothers me that she feels this way and I am not sure what to do. She wants me to stop now, and maybe pump for a few months but I am not ok with that, mostly because I am alone with the baby 95% of the day and night mon-sat and I dont have time to pump. I told her I would ask the dr today how long it takes to wean and when he can start baby food. The dr said she wants me to bf until he is at LEAST 2, and I know WIC says 1 year. I would like to keep bf until he is 1 and I feel like I should. But I cannot take the things that DP says to me. Its so bad that I am thinking of leaving. But then I think that is a really petty thing to break up or take a break over. I know babys that are formula fed turn out just fine, but this is not our only problem. DP loves our baby, but she is really jealous of him. Anyways, I will post a pic of my little cutie! He is in the 50% for weight and 25% for height, not bad for a premmie right?! =]

 These were taken at a week short of 3 months.

[CrystalPerez]

Okay how about a few more since its been so long!

[glassesgirlnj]

Crystal, your little man is adorable! Congratulations! 

But I feel really concerned when I read that your partner is pressuring you to wean him.  You deserve a partner who will support you in whatever choices you make, and who is willing to put the baby's needs above hir own, at least temporarily.  (Breastfeeding didn't work out for us, and I was devastated, but it was NOT because of anything my partner did -- zie was very supportive the whole time.)  

Can you talk to a counselor or a trusted mutual friend about this?  I'm worried that this could be part of a larger pattern where you feel you have to deny your maternal instincts because it might make your partner unhappy.  You and your LO are worth more than that!!!

If what I've said doesn't ring true for you, feel free to discard it... 

[CrystalPerez]

glasses- oh it seems very true! my dr recomended counceling for DP when I told her  how she feels. I dont think she will do it though. When I told her what the dr said it started a huge fight. I feel like she wants me to put her needs first and I dont think I can or want to do that. Thanks for making me feel like my arguement is legit! :)

[KSDoulaMama]

Crystal, as a parent it is also your partner's responsibility to put their child's needs above their own. It can bring up all kinds of feelings, and feelings are fine, but pressuring you to put her above your vulnerable baby's needs is not okay. To me it definitely reflects deeper problems. Perhaps these feelings of resentment are misplaced. I can certainly understand that becoming a parent can be a really sudden thing when a person is not physically pregnant... and I can see how it might be easy to feel left out. It makes me sad to hear that your partner doesn't seem open to counseling. Hang in there. I hope you're able to figure out how to get through this stronger. :)
 

[seraf]

Crystal, yay to your doctor. Breast feeding is kind of gross, when you think about it the right (wrong?) way. It is harder to parent a breasted baby if you're not the milky one. I can definitely see how much S loves his boobie. I think Sara is a real sport where that comes up. BUT it's the food that he was born expecting. the benefits are huge. Formula is differently gross (stainier spit up, smellier poo). I don't think nursing is a reason to end a relationship but I also don't think nursing jealousy is a reason to end a nursing relationship. Especially if your DP is never home.

Sorry that I have no practical advice. I am still bitter about being pressured to wean my second, and she was 3!

Absolutely adorable little guy!

I forgot to tell y'all, my work approved my maternity leave and then Friday they said they never should have approved it and I could only have it off if I could cover all my shifts. I've been a little miffed. There is no possible way unless they hire someone else, which is why gave them notice. So, I may be job hunting on maternity leave. Grrr.

[junebug1]

crystal - your post broke my heart. breastfeeding is not disgusting.  it's natural and beautiful and you shouldn't be pressured to stop.  your baby is only four months old (if my math is right), and as a preemie, he needs the awesome, perfect nutrition of breastmilk more than anything.  it sounds like you have a good, established breastfeeding relationship...why in the world would you start pumping instead? or start buying formula? it makes no sense.  i hope you and your partner can come to terms with this issue.  like the others said, it sounds like there are deeper issues - i'd hate to see you quit breastfeeding, only to have this same problem of resentment manifest itself in another area, and you always regret stopping too soon. it sounds like you know your dp is wrong -- now you have to channel that strong mama bear instinct and stand up for what your baby needs.  good luck & keep us posted. 

seraf - that really, really sucks. are you a full time employee? do you have any recourse under the FMLA?

afu - we had our first ultrasound yesterday and got to hear a perfect little heartbeat, beating away at 148bpm.  love that sound

[LibraryLady]

Crystal~ Biggest hugs. I am so sorry you're going through this, but I want to lend my support and two cents. YOU ARE RIGHT.  I am sorry your DP is pressuring you like this, but you are right to make the decisions based on what's best for the baby, and what is feeling right for you. If your DP is telling you that you should wean the baby or pump just because she has suddenly decided it's 'disgusting' (????) then that is her problem. It doesn't seem like a 'petty thing' to take a break over. It really does seem like a significant thing and possibly a symptom of a larger problem. I'm very sorry you have to deal with thisat all, and especially while you're baby's so small, but I think this is really something you should pay attention to and be ready to take whatever steps necessary to protect yourself and your little fella (WHO IS ADORABLE!!! And you two look so wonderfully happy together, of course).  I second the call for counselling, and if your DP doesn't agree, then perhaps make it conditional on keeping your family together. You are 100% legit. Don't give up, even if it means setting off on your own. You and your dude deserve the best possible life. Do keep us posted and BE STRONG!!!

Seraf~ WTF? Maybe job hunting is the best? You don't need that kind of crap, but I'm sorry you're getting it anyway. 

Junebug~ YAY FOR HEARTBEATS!!!

Isa~ Baby? How 'bout now?

AFM~ Not much. DP turns in the draft of her dissertation tomorrow, which will be good for her stress levels and getting to bed at a decent hour, poor thing (she got into bed this morning 20 minutes before my alarm went off). Though on the flip side, I have to say I'm slightly sad about losing my evenings on my own. I've been hanging with Ace and packing up book boxes and it's actually kind of nice to have the house to myself after Alice goes to sleep.  I like a bit of alone time, and DP does not, so I've not had much in the last 8 years. The house we buy in Greenville is going to have enough bedrooms for me to have my own study, which I've already dubbed my Momcave, where I can be alone sometimes to write or just, well, be alone.  DP's mom is arriving next week for a long visit, which will be good. She'll be happy, and maybe we can get her to play with Alice while DP and I pack. June 1 is coming faster than I can even imagine, and we need to be ready.   Got Alice's passport in the mail, though, so that's very cool.    Mostly we're all just tired and stressed and with a billion things still to do.... 

[darthtunaqueen]

Oh Crystal, my heart breaks for you.  :(  There is definitely something going on, and this crap your DP is giving you about BFing sounds like it's something that she can latch on to (sorry about the pun) because it's right in front of her face.  Weaning him now won't solve any problems, it'll be something else.  You have an established latch, a fantastic milk supply, and an incredibly vulnerable prem baby, who may be "four months old", but corrected he's actually only 2.  WAY too early to start solids (you'll know when he's ready, because he'll start reaching for food and trying to shove it in his mouth).  I agree with someone's suggestion to make counselling a condition of staying, my past experiences with friends who have dealt with something similar (it's ALWAYS a deeper issue, don't let this fool you!) is that you have to set to-do-by date.  If she's really interested in preserving your relationship, she'll do the work.  If not, then you know where she stands.  Remember that domestic abuse (verbal, emotional, physical) DOES HAPPEN in queer relationships and in queer families.

And as a NICU nurse, I deal with breast milk poop and formula poop.  Formula poop is BY FAR the grosser of the two.  When a baby poops on formula, you can smell it across the room, even if the kid's in an incubator.  Sooooooo grroossssss.  Plus formula throw up is disgusting.  Breast milk poop and throw up is much nicer to deal with.

PS, Cohen looks wonderful for being a premmie!  He's so beautiful, and you look fantastic!!  :D

[CrystalPerez]

Thank you all :)

I know my DP feels like I am making all the decisions about him because he is "mine" but I feel the opposite. I didnt want him circumcised but she did, and we got him circumcised which was the worst decision EVER and I wish I could take it back. Also DP wouldnt have him sleep in the bed with us even though he hated his crib and bassinet and I (always only I) was up with him a LOT until recently and ended up sleeping with him on the couch every night, but the few times I had him in the bed with me were the best night's sleep ever. She didnt care because SHE wasnt getting up with him or the one sleeping on the uncomfortable couch. Now he is sleeping better in the crib and because when DP gets home at 3am and is rudely noisy and always woke him up he is now in his own room. I sleep with a baby monitor next to me. Our other main issue is that she doesnt want me taking him around my family a lot. A week after he was born my mom found out she has pancreatic cancer. She is going through chemo and radiation right now. DP gets mad if I see her more than once a week because she doesnt want her or anyone around the baby more than she is. This is incredibly hurtful and angers me. I usually just see my mom and lie about it. I actually cant think of anything we dont argue about! She thinks I should get a job and put the baby in day care, she wants to move and have her brother and  dad move in with us... it goes on and on. Cohen has a fever from shots yesterday =[

I was going to do personals but now I have a crying baby!

Library- yay for a momcave!!! I want one!

[carmen358]

Hey Crystal! Cohen is gorgeous and you look great!

Your relationship sounds like it's really toxic right now. Everyone has given you great advice and I would absolutely make counseling a necessity. To me, it sounds like there are some huge issues that could become worse if left alone. Please keep us updated and take care of yourself! It sounds like you are very strong so that's good to hear - stand up for what you want and believe in!

[AmandaHope]

Crystal: I hate to say this, but you are describing a pattern of controlling behavior that is highly suggestive of an abusive relationship.  I'm not a therapist but do keep up somewhat with the literature on interpersonal violence and conflict, because I teach it in my Intro to Women's Studies class.  A typical behavior in an abusive relationship is an effort to isolate the "victim" (not crazy about that term) from her family and friends, and it sounds like that is only the tip of the iceberg in your case. You need and deserve your family's support, and it sounds like they need you, too.  I'm so very sorry about your mom's pancreatic cancer.  You need to be with her during this time. I agree ENTIRELY that weaning will absolutely not make things better between you and your DP, and it will certainly have negative effects for your son.  It sounds like the issue with your DP is control, not breast-feeding specifically.  You've already been pressured into making parenting decisions that you sound uncomfortable about (circumcision, not cosleeping); weaning will be even worse for you.  Given that you (rightly enough) feel strongly about continuing, you'll almost certainly regret it, and bfing your son for at least a year will have life-long benefits for him.  Please seriously consider doing what Darth suggests above: setting a deadline for couples counseling. And please do it soon.  Without intervention, such controlling behavior can escalate to abuse.  I don't mean to be alarmist or dramatic.  I am genuinely worried and am trying to figure out how we here on the board can best support you during this really tricky time.  Meanwhile...Cohen is beautiful!  You are clearly taking good care of him.  Hang in there, and keep us updated, please.
 

[DesertSunsets]

Crystal, it sounds like you are in a terribly difficult position. I'm so sorry things aren't easy for you and DP right now. My baby isn't born yet, but I am going to be her non-biological mama. From this perspective, I can understand how your DP could feel jealous, but her pressuring you to quit breastfeeding is absolutely wrong. What is next? Stop bathing him? Stop changing his diaper? I fear that each "compromise" you make with your partner brings you all further apart instead of closer together.
Is there any way she could spend more time with you and Cohen? Are you and her getting any intimate time for just yourselves? Maybe that could help her jealousy.
Be strong, and stand up for yourself and Cohen. It sounds like you are already doing that, anyway. Best of luck to you, and hugs for the hard times.
Also, Cohen is delicious! Lovely photos.

June bug! Congrats on that heartbeat.

[kgulbransen]

Crystal: just wanted to give a shoutout of support during this difficult time since we were there for each other during our miscarriages. Everyone here has had wonderful advice and I hope you have support nearby that can help you sort through it. I think DP shows a clear pattern of jealousy when it comes to the baby and the bond you're developing with Cohen.

I'm sure others here can weigh in on challenges with the non-birth parent's feeling of "abandonment" and how things change when a baby comes along. Without addressing these issues at the root with DP, they are likely to continue. But it's not your responsibility to get DP to identify that and come to terms with how to deal with her feelings. All you can do is set boundaries and be clear about what is not okay with you because you don't think it's in Cohen's best interest.

As we're not physically far from each other, please call on me should you need anything. Cohen is a cutie and as everyone said, is obviously well taken care of and loved by you. You're a great mom and I'm proud to see you reaching out for help.

[AmandaHope]

Junebug: YAY for a healthy heartbeat!!   Isn't it just the  most amazing sound?  So happy for you and DP.

Isa: Hey, there, mama. Feel free to jump on here just to tell us to stop checking in with you...  And let me know if you want my pumping protocol!