Queer & Pregnant & Parenting - April, May, June! - Page 8

[KSDoulaMama]

This, exactly. Hearing more about what's going on in your relationship scares me- the expectations your partner has for you are not healthy.

I would like to add in two cents from a personal standpoint- during a time when you are already experiencing difficult relationship issues, it is probably an especially bad time to wean in terms of the effects on you. Weaning in a quick fashion can cause hormonal upheaval that can lead to depression. I have experienced this firsthand and while it's not a guarantee, I'd really hate for you to end up in a worse emotional state in the midst of this. Just something to think about.
 

Originally Posted by AmandaHope 

Crystal: I hate to say this, but you are describing a pattern of controlling behavior that is highly suggestive of an abusive relationship.  I'm not a therapist but do keep up somewhat with the literature on interpersonal violence and conflict, because I teach it in my Intro to Women's Studies class.  A typical behavior in an abusive relationship is an effort to isolate the "victim" (not crazy about that term) from her family and friends, and it sounds like that is only the tip of the iceberg in your case. You need and deserve your family's support, and it sounds like they need you, too.  I'm so very sorry about your mom's pancreatic cancer.  You need to be with her during this time. I agree ENTIRELY that weaning will absolutely not make things better between you and your DP, and it will certainly have negative effects for your son.  It sounds like the issue with your DP is control, not breast-feeding specifically.  You've already been pressured into making parenting decisions that you sound uncomfortable about (circumcision, not cosleeping); weaning will be even worse for you.  Given that you (rightly enough) feel strongly about continuing, you'll almost certainly regret it, and bfing your son for at least a year will have life-long benefits for him.  Please seriously consider doing what Darth suggests above: setting a deadline for couples counseling. And please do it soon.  Without intervention, such controlling behavior can escalate to abuse.  I don't mean to be alarmist or dramatic.  I am genuinely worried and am trying to figure out how we here on the board can best support you during this really tricky time.  Meanwhile...Cohen is beautiful!  You are clearly taking good care of him.  Hang in there, and keep us updated, please.
 

[junebug1]

crystal - each one of your posts worries me more than the last.  isolating you from your mother as she is facing a scary cancer diagnosis (or ever, really) is not okay.  i hope that you find some strength here today on the boards and are able to get some help for yourself and your son. 

thanks for the congrats, ladies

[prettyisa]

Hi kids!

I am indeed lurking. I had some contractions last night and woke up with more this morning. DP and I took another fairly epic walk and I had some castor oil. It was gross, but not as bad as I was expecting. Of course now I can't tell if i'm in labor or if I just made myself sick. Partly I wonder if I'm trying too hard--today is my dad's 60th birthday, and I'd love the baby to share it with him. But I'm trying to be fine with it if it doesn't happen. Also would like to avoid the Friday morning induction that I'm carrying a prescription around for now. The NST and ultrasound yesterday were perfect (literally--perfect.), the only disturbing thing is that the u/s tech estimated the baby at 8lbs13oz. We'll see how close she got it, I guess, but that's a full pound more than I weighed at birth! I can't remember if it was on here or on someone's blog that they had a wish list of things donors listed and one of them was, 'how much did you weigh at birth?' (others included, 'when did you regularly sleep through the night?' and 'how old were you when you were potty trained?') I'm sure it'll be fine, but it does make me a little nervous.

At any rate, PLEASE don't comment on facebook if we're friends there! People have been hounding me and although I don't mind it here (because I know you all mean well and aren't related to me and I do it to you, too) it drives me kind of crazy to have all of the people I haven't seen since high school chiming in with comments. That, and my mother. -sigh-

Crystal, Cohen is really a gorgeous baby. I'm so sorry to hear about all the troubles with your DP--it sounds like she does have some issues that need to be addressed, and you need to put your health and that of your baby ahead of her if she can't do that for you. I hope that you can work things out between you and get back to a good place, but if you can't it still might be for the best. My DP grew up in an abusive household (mostly emotional) and although she turned out well (and was very protected by her mother) it was not better for her parents to stay together than it would have been if her mom had just left. Even today her mom said that if she had stayed married to DP's dad she wouldn't have been able to succeed in her profession because anything she did that made her look like she was getting ahead or making herself attractive was automatically turned into an accusation of cheating. That's kind of an off-topic example, but it breaks my heart to know that my wonderful MIL put up with that kind of crap for so long, and it breaks my heart to think that you and that gorgeous boy of yours might do the same. If your DP isn't willing to come to the table and honestly be willing to work through this stuff and become the parent that she signed on to be, I hope that you will have the strength to leave her and build the kind of safe, happy, loving home that you and Cohen deserve.

[LibraryLady]

Isa~ Eeeek!!!  Fingers crossed all goes well and soon!  You're brave to try the castor oil. Let's hope it works its magic!!!  

[MidwifeStephPDX]

Hi Ladies!

I read about all of you all the time but so rarely write! Today I'm home sick from work so I actually have some time to check in.

Isa: I'm excited that you get to meet your baby soon! I have a protocol for inductions that uses a breast pump and herbs, pm me if you'd like to know more about it. I like it a lot, though it's definitely not magic. It works well, though it sometimes takes doing it  a couple times. Totally unsolicited advice, so no hard feelings if you're not interested!

Nos: I am so thrilled to see you on this side! I do know how it feels to be in that super early pregnancy time and feel like you don't quite belong on either board... But, you're very welcome here!! Those betas look fantastic. My first and second ones were low/normal, but my third was so high I started researching twins too! Thankfully, there's only one in there. In answer to your earlier question, 6 weeks is the time when ultrasounds become more reliable than bloodwork. It's still possible to not see a heartbeat then, so some people push it back a few days to make sure they'll see it. Can't wait to hear more!

Crystal: I'm so sorry you and DP are having such a hard time. It seems like you've gotten lots of good advice here, I hope things look up for you soon!

Junebug: Congrats on the heartbeat! I never get tired of that sweet sound!

AFM: Eh, I'm ok. I have a bad cold today that kept me up most of the night with  a really sore throat. Finally at 6am I gave up trying to sleep and made some tea. I am feeling a bit better (less stabbing in back of throat feeling) and am so hopeful this is the worst of it! This is my first time being sick since I got pregnant and I'm finding it hard to keep eating and taking care of myself in the way I know I have to.

Anyway, enough about that! I am doing generally better, feeling more and more like myself with fewer instances of feeling like crap. I'm really looking forward to feeling better and getting to a part of pregnancy I find more enjoyable! I have felt up to taking the pregnancy water aerobics class at a local hospital. It's fun, a nice workout, but also really relaxing. I have a few pregnant clients taking it too so I've had to "come out" to them as pregnant, but that's been fine. My belly continues to get bigger though I still haven't gained any weight! I'm not complaining about that, just more curious than anything else. I started this pregnancy significantly overweight, and was worried I'd gain a ton, so I'll be ok if I only gain a little, just wondering when that will happen...? Anyone else have a similar experience? I think the most interesting part to me is that my body has changed SO MUCH, much bigger breasts and belly, but no change on the scale! Curious.

[darthtunaqueen]

Crystal, your last post has me VERY VERY VERY worried.  We deal with parents who pull this kind of shit in the NICU on a infrequently regular basis and it plays out in the ways you're describing.  You need to know that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.  You are not doing anything to cause this behaviour, no matter what she tells you.  Your DP acting like this is all her own shit.  You also cannot fix her, she has to fix herself.  Can you leave some of yours and Cohen's clothing/supplies at a different location (parents house? friends' house?) in case you need to leave quickly?  I know it sounds possibly overly dramatic, but if your DP isn't ready to confront her demons it can get really ugly really fast.  Photocopy Cohen's birth certificate and any legal documents you have for him including adoption/parental agreements, any other legal agreements related to housing or marriage or ANYTHING (passports, your birth certificate, etc).  Put them all in a safe place (like your parent's house).  We keep a copy of all of our important documents at my parents house in case of fire/theft/etc, so if DP is wondering why you're doing this, you can tell her that's the reason.  

This is all "just in case", and I hope you never need to use it.  I hope that DP gets herself some help and becomes the parent and partner I'm assuming she wants to be (otherwise why get married?  Why have a kid?).  I hope that you get support, you should find yourself some counselling irregardless of her decision.  I wish you the very best in this shitty situation.  :(

[junebug1]

isa - also grabbing my popcorn    hope the birth is smooth (and soon, for your sake!). 

steph - i hope the "feeling better" part is just around the corner for you.  water aerobics sounds great.  i was doing that before i got pregnant, but they dont offer a specific pregnancy class.  boo.  i've been gently swimming some laps instead.  being in the water is so nice, im hoping i can keep it up throughout the pregnancy.

[justrose13]

isa, ELV

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by prettyisa 

Hi kids!

I am indeed lurking. I had some contractions last night and woke up with more this morning. DP and I took another fairly epic walk and I had some castor oil. It was gross, but not as bad as I was expecting. Of course now I can't tell if i'm in labor or if I just made myself sick. Partly I wonder if I'm trying too hard--today is my dad's 60th birthday, and I'd love the baby to share it with him. But I'm trying to be fine with it if it doesn't happen. Also would like to avoid the Friday morning induction that I'm carrying a prescription around for now. The NST and ultrasound yesterday were perfect (literally--perfect.), the only disturbing thing is that the u/s tech estimated the baby at 8lbs13oz. We'll see how close she got it, I guess, but that's a full pound more than I weighed at birth! I can't remember if it was on here or on someone's blog that they had a wish list of things donors listed and one of them was, 'how much did you weigh at birth?' (others included, 'when did you regularly sleep through the night?' and 'how old were you when you were potty trained?') I'm sure it'll be fine, but it does make me a little nervous.

U/s can be wrong and often are! Also, I had a home birth with with a 9lb 7oz baby so you'll do fine

Can't wait to hear the good news!!

[justrose13]

oh, yeah... Isa, someone once reminded me that fat squishes....

[seraf]

Isa, we got a sizing ultrasound today and they said it was accurate to within a pound. So she could be a pound bigger! Or smaller, yeah yeah. You can do it! Shay was pretty intense at 9 pounds, but he made it through.

Regarding FMLA, I'm not full time (no one is. We're all PRN no matter how much we work) but I'm going to see what my options are. I kind of think I should look into going back to school just so I have more options. That won't solve the short term issues, tho.

[mami2mami]

Crystal- I'm so sorry you are going through such a bad situation. I can't even imagine!!!! keep your chin up... I love that you moved to the couch to take care of your lil guy, your a good mom. I don't want you to think that I am bad talking your DP but I think she may have some jealousy issues. She is being very selfish by not thinking of Cohen when it comes to breast feeding. That is the best thing for him right now especially given the fact that he was a premature baby. As far as DP having you and her son sleep on the couch that is beyond me. I will not write what I am thinking because I'm trying very hard not to curse on mothering! I would have made DP a permanant bed on the sofa so that she doesn't have to worry about Cohen on the bed. There are definitely some things that DP is refusing to say out loud to you and by doing this she is making your relationship and co-parenting toxic. Keep your head up and keep being the best mom you can be. Cohen needs you a little more than DP does at this moment.
Edited by mami2mami - 4/17/12 at 5:06pm

[smilingsara]

We had our growth scan today. Baby is looking great. He is measuring about 6lbs 6 oz but they said that's give or take a pound. He is projected to grow about 1/2 a pound a week for the next few weeks. My group b strep test was negative and I'm super thrilled! They also checked me today and I'm 1cm dilated and my cervix is nice and soft. 

My folks are coming down this weekend and I heard talk of trying to coax the little guy out. 

Oh yes, and I had the tech do a check just to make sure we still have a boy cooking. So many people have been telling me about how they know someone who was told they were having one sex and the baby came out the other. I also have been paranoid about it the whole time since we found out. HAHA!

Library: when the school year ends, can we do something to the mean girl and her posse?!

Isa: I wont say a word on FB. Hope things are going well. ELV's to you my dear!

Desert: I officially suck. I was supposed to mail your fetoscope Friday and keep forgetting. I'm terribly sorry! 

[seraf]

Oh, Crystal, I have definitely slept on the couch with babies but it's considered unsafe. When I've done it, I keep the baby on the outside because falling, IMO, is safer than smothering. I'm sure you're watching ou for your guy, but I wanted to mention the safety issue(sorry, I'm usually the least safe girl on here).

[CrystalPerez]

Thank you all so much for the support. I really was feeling like maybe I was in the wrong. We had another arguement today (of course!) and I feel like she has reasons to why she is how she is they just arent GOOD reasons. She moved to Sac from San Jose to be with me, some of her family is there and some is in the Marysville area (all 1.5-2.5 hours away) and she misses her family a lot and feels like my family takes over because they see him a lot more than her family does. My family is SO welcoming to her and she just doesnt care, they arent "her family". So that is her reason to why she doesnt want me seeing my mom all the time.

Someone asked about intimacy, we didnt have sex for about 2 months after I had him. after that we started doing it about 1-2 times a week but I still cant really handle penatration even with lube, it is just uncomfortable. until about 3 weeks ago my mom and sisters would take him overnight for one day over the weekend every other weekend so me and DP could have some "us" time. I always feel guilty towards the end of the night and the first few times I only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep because I wanted to go pick him up early (we would go to bed late). One time I lost my pump so I had to go get him earlier than she wanted and she was so mad. she feels we cant be without him and me not bring him up. she says I'm obsessed with him. its possible she doesnt mean a lot of this and just says it out of anger but I dont know.. and I think that the lack of intimacy is part of her not wanting me to bf, she said my body is his now and he's always attached to me. she says when she sees me feed him i gaze at him lovingly and rub his head and i never pay attention to her.

Yesterday I asked her if she thought we should go on a break and she was real upset. Today she decided we should meet eachother in the middle. Thats fine if the middle is me bf until he is a year old and me seeing my mom whenever the F I want to =]

Krista-So good to hear from you! One of the first things I did when I got on here was check to see where you are at on your TTC journey. kmfx for you as always =]

isa thanks for taking the time to write me! ELVs to you!!!!!

     thanks ladies!

[CrystalPerez]

Seraf HAHA I am surprised to hear this from you! jk, I do keep him on the outside but we have an ottoman that I scoot next to the couch so no falling either.

[ad astra]

Hello ladies I have not posted on here much as this pregnancy has been so filled with anxiety I did not feel I had much to add on the positive note... but I finally do.  I thought  those of you who remember me from QC might want to  hear about the early but safe arrival of our “double rainbow”  Our boy/girl twins arrived at 35 weeks on April 11.  We are so relieved and overjoyed.  They are doing extremely well for preemies and only need to work on feeding to go home from NICU.  They were good size for GA at 6.5 and 5.5 lbs respectively.  None of our friends and family knew we were expecting twins and are over the moon with the double blessing. 

Nos-  just in case you are wondering my betas were really high and doubling quickly.  We saw two heart beats at our 6 week u/s! Good luck J

Isa- I’m sorry about not waiting my turn ELV to you my friend.

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by ad astra 

Hello ladies I have not posted on here much as this pregnancy has been so filled with anxiety I did not feel I had much to add on the positive note... but I finally do.  I thought  those of you who remember me from QC might want to  hear about the early but safe arrival of our “double rainbow”  Our boy/girl twins arrived at 35 weeks on April 11.  We are so relieved and overjoyed.  They are doing extremely well for preemies and only need to work on feeding to go home from NICU.  They were good size for GA at 6.5 and 5.5 lbs respectively.  None of our friends and family knew we were expecting twins and are over the moon with the double blessing. 

Nos-  just in case you are wondering my betas were really high and doubling quickly.  We saw two heart beats at our 6 week u/s! Good luck J

Isa- I’m sorry about not waiting my turn ELV to you my friend.

Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you and your DP and hurray for healthy babies!! Thanks for the update and I hope you get to take your little ones home soon :)

[SwtRainbowBrite]

Ad astra: Congratulations I am so happy for you and your DP!! Thank you for the update and I would love to see some pics and hear your birth story

Sara: I have also heard the ultrasounds late in pregnancy can be off by as much as a pound so I wouldn't sweat it, you body was made to push little Soren out

Crystal: Everyone has already given you a lot of great advice and as a therapist I don't want to give you too much of my opinion, but I would def take your DP's actions into consideration and as many others have posted I would recommend counseling for the both of you, it sounds as though she has some serious deep seated issues surrounding you and the relationship you have with "your
" son and her ideology/beliefs are quite disturbing, and although I am not there in your relationship a lot of this points to signs of verbal abuse and a controlling relationship. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM and I def agree with the suggestions of keeping items at other people's homes and keeping copies of all important documents in the event things get physically violent and you need to get out quickly. I LOVE the pics of little Cohen he is so adorable and I am so happy you checked in I was just thinking about you the other day!

Isa: I am now totally stalking you and I am on BABYWATCH!! Have you tried the famous "Labour Tea" yet?

Library: I am so happy to hear that you are not in prison for beating up the Mean Girl, but I am equally happy that you are getting out of there soon! I am thankful that you and the family were kept safe during the storms last week!

Junebug:YAY for a heartbeat!!

to anyone that I missed I am not in the right headspace today

AFM: When they say it rains it pours, or that "tragedies come not in single spies but in battalions" they were true. I know that has been a couple of weeks since I posted but I have been having a really hard time with the major change in my birth plan. To refresh everyone's memories I was diagnosed with GD (gestational diabetes), and was risked out of my homebirth by my midwifery practice. My care was turned over to the local teaching hospital where I was informed last week that basically I would have a time frame of going into labor on my own between 36 weeks (which they feel is full term...... WTF?!?!?) and 37 weeks and if I don't I will be having my repeat C-Section scheduled for 28 weeks. Needless to say we have been trying to get the hell out of their care, so we are in the process of interviewing CNMs to try and deliver at a VBAC friendly hospital/birth center here in town. On the subject of my sugars, thanks to the diet I have lost 7 pounds and my sugars are looking amazing yet my Dr is still trying to shove Metformin down my throat To add insult to injury to my already fragile state, we had a growth ultrasound yesterday so that my Dr could make sure I was 30 weeks along, and when we went in for clinic today they informed me that the baby has an enlarged heart! We have already had several growth ultrasounds and an echocardigram 4 weeks ago and everything looked great and now all of sudden we have this issue. For those who don't know my backstory, I had a daughter with a rare congenital heart defect that she passed away from so this has been a major trigger for me today. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse we got some awful heartbreaking news from my brother in law, I am placing this in a spoiler because it may be trigger provoking and pregnant mamas may not want to read.

Trigger Warning: Stillborn Infant (Click to show)

 Today after we got the information about our daughter's heart we were on our way home when my brother in law called my wife and said that he had bad news. When thought it was something small like he had lost his job or in the worse case scenario was that a family member had passed, but we never expected to hear that their baby passed away this afternoon. His girlfriend was 36 weeks pregnant, they had a Dr. appt this afternoon and they could not find the heartbeat. We are not quite sure yet what happened, but what we do know is that she will have to be induced and birth her sleeping son. We are all devastated and I had an emotional breakdown. It is so hard because our babies were only due 7 weeks apart from each other and we had made plans to come to Ohio for Thanksgiving so the babies could meet each other. We had just spoke with them last week and we talked to the baby on the phone and they had talked our daughter and both babies were moving all around. I just can't believe this is happening. I tried to hold it together long enough to give them advice and inspiration because I have been in a similar situation, but I feel so awful for them. I just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.

After all of the events that have occurred in the past few weeks in addition to my overwhelming anxiety DW and I am have decided that we will not be making any large purchases for our daughter until she arrives. We already have our completed cloth diaper stash and she has lots of newborn clothes, we will be purchasing an arms reach co-sleeper or a pack in play, but we are not going to complete (or should I say start) the nursery. We will purchase the car seat because it is mandatory but it will be stored at a friend's home until the birth. 

Edited by SwtRainbowBrite - 4/17/12 at 9:56pm

[seraf]

Rainbow, hugs sweet girl. That is a whole lot of awful. When will you know more about her heart? I'm so sorry for your brother's loss. For your whole family's loss.

AdAstra, twins! What a surprise! Congratulations and thank you so much for the update.