so excited but so scared

[librarygirl]

Hello everyone,

I just kind of wanted to share and maybe solicit a little advice.

I'm 32 and am not a mama yet. I spend waaaay too much time on mdc for someone who doesn't have a baby. I'm getting married in May and we're going to start TTC right away (he's 37 and we don't want to wait). I know all about the physical part of babies and creating them (I know more than my mother who had 4 babies), it's the emotional/psychological angle I need some help with.

I want to be pregnant/deliver a babe/raise a child (hopefully more than one!) so badly that some days it absolutely consumes me. I am jealous of friends who have LOs and I positively gush over baby clothes. I adore children (I'm a children's librarian) and just can't wait to be a mommy.

And then I realize that I am terrified. I'm terrified of infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy complications, emergency c-sections, not being able to breast-feed, genetic disorders, birth defects, special needs, diagnoses, not being able to find suitable work/life balance or appropriate childcare options (we both work), bad schools, bullying, paying for college, etc. My best friend lost her first pregnancy at 20 weeks and I know a family who just lost their 6 year old to cancer. I hear horror stories about pregnancy and birth and sick babies. It seems like every child now has a diagnosis of some sort.

How do you come terms with these things? I know I have some anxiety and I can fixate on the negative (despite being an optimistic person) Do you just tell yourself that it will be perfect and just figure out how to deal if it isn't? I know this is something I want so very badly (so does my amazing fiance and he will be an amazing dad) but I'm still scared of it. Any books or suggestions or words of wisdom? how do you reconcile your fear with your desire?

Thanks!

[gumblossom]

Hi. I understand how you feel. There's so much anxiety associated with having children. I have 5.And for all the worry over the years, it's been totally worth the pay-off in the best joy you'll ever know.

I had my last baby when I was 41. I had tests and was told there was a high chance of a chromosomal problem. Yes, that was an awful, worrying time, and I was a lucky mama, my DS was born just fine.I knew the risks when we started ttc, and took one day at a time.If something happens, you deal with it.It's just the same with juggling work,family, all the decisions you have to make. Just take it one step at a time.

I have been hoping for another baby, and have had two miscarriages. That has been really, really hard. It is awful, suffering a loss, but it hasn't stopped me hoping for another child, and despite only having 9 - 10 weeks with each of those babies, it was still worth it - I felt love and joy which I wouldn't have otherwise.

I suffered from anxiety in the last pregnancy - worrying about miscarrying again(and ironically, I did) but I was helped through with a very caring doctor and acupuncturist.

If you feel the anxiety is too much, seek help.It made a lot of difference to me.

I hope you'll be blessed with a baby, there's nothing like it - it's the best thing I've ever done.

[GuavaGirl]

You sound very much like me before I had my baby.  

It was almost a physical ache to have a baby.  I spent way too much time on this website too. :)  Babysat a ton of kids to get my nurturing fix.  Read a ton.  The works!  

And!  I felt all the other stuff too.  ...and that was so confusing.  ...having such positive and negative thoughts about the same thing.  It is so normal to be scared about all of those things.  Just know that it's okay.  I think so many of us worry about it all.  For me, I knew that trying for children is worth the risk of all of the bad that could happen.  You're signing up for a huge emotional roller coaster for the rest of your life....but it is somehow amazingly worth it.  In life, some of the best things we do, are the things that (at some point) completely terrify us.  When you open yourself up to experience the most amazing joy in the world, it also opens you up to pain....but that is just how life is.  In the good times and in the bad times, it's still all somehow beautiful though.  It's great and really healthy that you're voicing your concerns.

Also, before TTC I realized that to be the best mom I could be, I needed to work through some of my own emotional issues from my life and childhood, so I happened to be in counseling at the time that I was having these thoughts, so it's something I talked about with my counselor...and that was helpful.  I think counseling before or during pregnancy can be a really great thing because of issues seem to rise to the surface.

[zenquaker]

I think all good parents feel this way, and all parents-to-be. It speaks volumes of how wise and realistic you are. The world of parenting is full of possibilities, and some of them are terifiying.

You may find that things you dreaded will fill you with a sense of power and purpose, and others you brush off now will eat you to the core. There's just no way to tell.

I remember carrying my son when pregnant and thinking, "no way. I am not giving birth to this child and never really knowing if he'll be safe again."

Bad things can and do happen. You will let yourself have moments of sheer terror, and then the business of parenting and most importantly the unparalleled joys will distract you just when you are about to lose your mind.

Peace and light to you!

[librarygirl]

I know I posted this forever ago, but thank you for the kind words! Strangely enough, as we get closer to TTC (AF is about 4 days off and we'll start TTC next cycle!!!!), I'm actually less scared and more excited.

I've faced lots of scary things and come out the other side better. Why would a baby be any different? :)