I have heard in many places if the other parent takes custody the state will not pursue TPR on the first parent so the custodial parent can still pursue child support.
If i were you I would not even broach the subject of adoption at this time, its very premature. Has there been a court hearing yet? Do you have a lawyer? Its not the workers who usually make the decision on what the goal is, it is the judge. Who has the other kids?
I know it is early in the case, but I feel like I have to say this. Raising a child who has faced trauma may be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. You and your husband will face huge trials. If you can't talk about it now, it is going to be even harder later. If your husband knows the details and can't share them with you, that is a problem. The system is not keeping information from you, your husband is. I understand that this is emotional and very hard, but it will get harder.
it just doesnt seem fair to me to place his son here with us, but leave me no real details about the trauma he has endured so that if situations with behavior or anything like that come up, i'll know how to handle it and what to do. i only know bits and pieces of the case that my husband has told me, but truth be told he didnt tell me that much because thats how much everything that she did to the children involved, and everything she let her boyfriend do to them, pissed him off. (sorry for language couldnt think of a better way to put it)
but i think part of the problem is that i am starting to feel like the caseworkers and lawyers and stuff aren't really including me in anything which i think is ridiculous, because who do they think does 99% of the childcare?? my husband works overnight from 10 pm to 7 am, and sleeps all day until around 8 pm, and then leaves around 9:30 pm, which no i am not saying anything bad about him at all not what i am getting at, but all the childcare responsibilities are on me, excpet like his days off i may leave a kid or two with him while i do laundry or something but im talking everyday, i just dont see where im not included in anything when i have just as much to do with how his child is going to be taken care of, as much as he does.
.....it just doesnt seem fair to me to place his son here with us, but leave me no real details about the trauma he has endured so that if situations with behavior or anything like that come up, i'll know how to handle it and what to do. i only know bits and pieces of the case that my husband has told me, but truth be told he didnt tell me that much because thats how much everything that she did to the children involved, and everything she let her boyfriend do to them, pissed him off. (sorry for language couldnt think of a better way to put it)
on the first part, let it go. Step parents don't have legal standing. It stucks, it isn't right, but getting hung up on that isn't going to help this child. Just focus on what is most important and not on yourself.
on the second part, knowing the exact details most likely won't be helpful to you. Raising a child who has been abused is difficult, knowing the nitty gritty details doesn't necessarily make it easier. People react to the same things differently. You'll need to deal with the child in front of you, not with a case file.
I have heard in many places if the other parent takes custody the state will not pursue TPR on the first parent so the custodial parent can still pursue child support.
If i were you I would not even broach the subject of adoption at this time, its very premature. Has there been a court hearing yet? Do you have a lawyer? Its not the workers who usually make the decision on what the goal is, it is the judge. Who has the other kids?
There is the ability to do TPR for a step parent adoption, but it is very very premature at this point for Brascos. If there was no contact for more than a year, and the mother wasn't even trying to make contact - then it might be possible depending on the states laws. Right now, it shouldn't even be on your radar, as it is possible (depending on the state, it may even be likely) that the state will try to foster a healthy relationship between the child and his mother, through supervised visitation and the like. Brascos, since you do most of the childcare you're going to have to be willing to take the child to visitation with his mom. You will not be required to supervise, and probably shouldn't supervise it, but you do need to be able to do that - or your husband is going to have to step up and do more of the child care.
I know you mean well but you are over stepping here. While it's fine if you read your husband's emails (well, as long as he's okay with that), it is not okay for you to call the ex. She can make all kinds of claims to make your life miserable. I think it's wonderful that you want to step up and help this child but you need to take a few steps back first. As others have said, parenting a child who has experienced trauma is an incredibly difficult (but rewarding, I'd imagine) endeavor. Please please please do your homework. Google "trauma parenting". Find resources, line up a wonderful therapist for yourself, one for your husband, one for your son and one for the whole family. You have to consider your daughters here too. The social worker will hopefully have lots of services for all of you - take advantage of whatever they have to give. Anything that will make you and your husband better parents is always worth the time. My favorite trauma parenting blog is www.lastmom.blogspot.com. While her daughter is much older than your son, you can pick up some amazing parenting tips from her.
There is the ability to do TPR for a step parent adoption, but it is very very premature at this point for Brascos. If there was no contact for more than a year, and the mother wasn't even trying to make contact - then it might be possible depending on the states laws. Right now, it shouldn't even be on your radar, as it is possible (depending on the state, it may even be likely) that the state will try to foster a healthy relationship between the child and his mother, through supervised visitation and the like. Brascos, since you do most of the childcare you're going to have to be willing to take the child to visitation with his mom. You will not be required to supervise, and probably shouldn't supervise it, but you do need to be able to do that - or your husband is going to have to step up and do more of the child care.
Oh yes i know its possible, i just meant that i have heard that states might be willing to NOT proceed with TPR of just one parent in order to preserve the other parent's ability to fight for child support. (Because frankly it wouldnt be fair for the state to just get the other parent off the hook and leave the custodial parent hanging with no support yknow?) But obviously if the custodial parent did not want the first parent involved and there was a spouse willing to adopt, there is a way in which to TPR but as you said i think its usually if the parent abandons the child, refuses to support etc. I was just trying to point out the OP should not count on the county proceeding with TPR (if that is even the plan) and her adopting, because once the child is placed with the father they MAY decide "case closed" and let HIM deal with the mother.
(Sorry, im probably either repeating myself or being as clear as mud. Hope you know what i mean!)
it is fine with him that i read his emails, becuase he does not have the time, and when i told him i called his ex, he was fine with that too. and no kidding i have to consider my daughters here too, we already have if we felt like there was any reason at all why my stepson shouldnt be around my kids we wouldnt be going through with trying to get custody of him. and as far as i'm over stepping here, to us it is not overstepping, we have no overstepping issues at all, if he wanted to call my ex and chat about my son that i have with him and what happened and what he wanted if my husband were to see an email from him id be fine with that, we are married we have no boundary issues with each other, he is free to check my email, go through my phone, whatever we are very open with each other and have no trouble proving that to each other. so before you tell me im over stepping my boundaries know the relationship.
I know you mean well but you are over stepping here. While it's fine if you read your husband's emails (well, as long as he's okay with that), it is not okay for you to call the ex. She can make all kinds of claims to make your life miserable. I think it's wonderful that you want to step up and help this child but you need to take a few steps back first. As others have said, parenting a child who has experienced trauma is an incredibly difficult (but rewarding, I'd imagine) endeavor. Please please please do your homework. Google "trauma parenting". Find resources, line up a wonderful therapist for yourself, one for your husband, one for your son and one for the whole family. You have to consider your daughters here too. The social worker will hopefully have lots of services for all of you - take advantage of whatever they have to give. Anything that will make you and your husband better parents is always worth the time. My favorite trauma parenting blog is www.lastmom.blogspot.com. While her daughter is much older than your son, you can pick up some amazing parenting tips from her.
There is the ability to do TPR for a step parent adoption, but it is very very premature at this point for Brascos. If there was no contact for more than a year, and the mother wasn't even trying to make contact - then it might be possible depending on the states laws. Right now, it shouldn't even be on your radar, as it is possible (depending on the state, it may even be likely) that the state will try to foster a healthy relationship between the child and his mother, through supervised visitation and the like. Brascos, since you do most of the childcare you're going to have to be willing to take the child to visitation with his mom. You will not be required to supervise, and probably shouldn't supervise it, but you do need to be able to do that - or your husband is going to have to step up and do more of the child care.
Oh yes i know its possible, i just meant that i have heard that states might be willing to NOT proceed with TPR of just one parent in order to preserve the other parent's ability to fight for child support. (Because frankly it wouldnt be fair for the state to just get the other parent off the hook and leave the custodial parent hanging with no support yknow?) But obviously if the custodial parent did not want the first parent involved and there was a spouse willing to adopt, there is a way in which to TPR but as you said i think its usually if the parent abandons the child, refuses to support etc. I was just trying to point out the OP should not count on the county proceeding with TPR (if that is even the plan) and her adopting, because once the child is placed with the father they MAY decide "case closed" and let HIM deal with the mother.
(Sorry, im probably either repeating myself or being as clear as mud. Hope you know what i mean!)
I'm in complete agreement with you! I also think its likely that it will be seen as a "win" for the child - because the mother would still be able to fight for visitation (supervised most likely, knowing what the potential charges are) and the child would be able to maintain a relationship with his mother. Which has been shown to be in the best interest whenever possible (obviously, its not always possible, and not always in the best interest, but in this case we don't know that). In other words, the county doesn't have to fight for TPR, because the child won't be in "limbo" anymore (he'll be living with his dad, won't be in foster care, and will have a permanent situation - foster children don't have that until they are adopted or reunited with their parents).
And yeah, the support is a big issue that states really don't like cutting a child off from potential support - which is why voluntary TPR is ONLY available in a situation where a step-parent is available and willing to adopt. Because, in that scenario, if the adoptive step-parent, and the parent divorce there are still 2 parents responsible for support. When the supporting parent is a single parent, and their isn't anyone available to adopt, the states primary interest is with financial support of the child and making sure that the state doesn't have to pay for the child. Either way, you're completely right that it is very premature for Brascos to be thinking about this.
it is fine with him that i read his emails, becuase he does not have the time, and when i told him i called his ex, he was fine with that too. and no kidding i have to consider my daughters here too, we already have if we felt like there was any reason at all why my stepson shouldnt be around my kids we wouldnt be going through with trying to get custody of him. and as far as i'm over stepping here, to us it is not overstepping, we have no overstepping issues at all, if he wanted to call my ex and chat about my son that i have with him and what happened and what he wanted if my husband were to see an email from him id be fine with that, we are married we have no boundary issues with each other, he is free to check my email, go through my phone, whatever we are very open with each other and have no trouble proving that to each other. so before you tell me im over stepping my boundaries know the relationship.
I think you misunderstood. I don't think any meant to imply that you were stepping on your husbands toes or overstepping boundries with him. I think everyone meant to imply that you might be overstepping your boundries with the courts and with the Mother. The mother can make this easy for your guys or hard for you guys and if she is upset by having to deal with you rather than her ex she can make things harder than they need to be. Many, many exes would be upset by having a request to to their child's parent answered by anyone other than that parent. She may be most expecially upset by being contacted by her ex's wife. Same holds true of the courts and the social workers. If you insert yourself into this situation in a way that offends or irritates those who have the control in this situation they can make this harder for your husband than it needs to be. They need to work things out with your husband (legally), they don't have to work with you. Trying to insist they do work with you may just piss them off.
it is fine with him that i read his emails, becuase he does not have the time, and when i told him i called his ex, he was fine with that too. and no kidding i have to consider my daughters here too, we already have if we felt like there was any reason at all why my stepson shouldnt be around my kids we wouldnt be going through with trying to get custody of him. and as far as i'm over stepping here, to us it is not overstepping, we have no overstepping issues at all, if he wanted to call my ex and chat about my son that i have with him and what happened and what he wanted if my husband were to see an email from him id be fine with that, we are married we have no boundary issues with each other, he is free to check my email, go through my phone, whatever we are very open with each other and have no trouble proving that to each other. so before you tell me im over stepping my boundaries know the relationship.
SpottedFox isn't saying that you are overstepping with your DH - you're overstepping with the Ex. You don't have a relationship with the Ex, nor should you be trying to deal with the Ex - she had her children taken away from her, and is likely not too happy with whoever is about to get custody of those children (whether its with you, or anybody else).
You are playing a giant game of chess right now - anything could happen, and you don't want to do anything that could poison any future relationship with the ex. Go through an intermediary now (a lawyer, or social worker), and then later you can navigate forming a relationship. When I split with my ex, I didn't talk to him directly for months other than to say, "ds had a nap an hour ago, here's some frozen breastmilk, I just changed his diaper, have fun!" Literally, it took almost a year for us to say anything else to each other - we were involved in a nasty court battle, and you don't know how this is going to go. Tread carefully, do what you need to in terms of home visits/talking to the social worker/lawyer/etc, but let your DH or his attorney deal with the ex right now. You have lots of time to forge a relationship (or not) with her - right now might not be the best time since feelings are probably pretty raw right now.
ETA - Jolly is completely right about one thing - if my ex had a wife, and she contacted me to speak about our son, I would be furious, beyond belief furious. I talk to my ex about our son, but I don't discuss parenting issues with anyone else. My ex might be fine with a new girlfriend or wife contacting me in his place, but I wouldn't be, and I wouldn't speak to them about anything parenting related either (except, if my ds was on visitation to say, "Is ds there? I'd like to talk to him").
Exactly! I'm not saying you are overstepping boundaries with your husband.
Look based solely off of what you have posted here, the ex is a few fries short of a happy meal. If she wanted to, she could tell the social worker that you threatened to have her murdered if she didn't give up custody. It would be your word against hers and there would be a phone record between you two but what is said... well, that would be up to the courts to decide. Addicts are some of the best liars out there. She can twist things to suit her needs. I recommend staying out of this chess game for yours, your husband and the childrens' sake. Just my two cents.
ok i am not going to sit here and explain why i talked to her, and im not going to sit here and explain why i am/was so protective of my husband, SHE isn't the only one with hurt feelings in this. HIS are too. and the caseworker knows i talked to her last night, i called her and told her, i also gave her a rundown of our converstation. and im sorry but i'm not going to just tell my husband, "oh sorry she's just your problem not mine" NO she is my problem too i have to deal with her just as much as he does! and i dont care if you other moms would be pissed off if your ex's girlfriend or wife contacted you about your kid. thats not why i called her after she emailed him, because it wasn't about his son, it was about her wanting to start problems between my husband and I. and even if it was about his son, so what? she knows that if/when we get him i will be at home with him all the time. so she will not deal with my husband as much as she will with me. and everyone is different, just because it's not a big deal to us, doesn't mean it should be.
SpottedFox isn't saying that you are overstepping with your DH - you're overstepping with the Ex. You don't have a relationship with the Ex, nor should you be trying to deal with the Ex - she had her children taken away from her, and is likely not too happy with whoever is about to get custody of those children (whether its with you, or anybody else).
You are playing a giant game of chess right now - anything could happen, and you don't want to do anything that could poison any future relationship with the ex. Go through an intermediary now (a lawyer, or social worker), and then later you can navigate forming a relationship. When I split with my ex, I didn't talk to him directly for months other than to say, "ds had a nap an hour ago, here's some frozen breastmilk, I just changed his diaper, have fun!" Literally, it took almost a year for us to say anything else to each other - we were involved in a nasty court battle, and you don't know how this is going to go. Tread carefully, do what you need to in terms of home visits/talking to the social worker/lawyer/etc, but let your DH or his attorney deal with the ex right now. You have lots of time to forge a relationship (or not) with her - right now might not be the best time since feelings are probably pretty raw right now.
ETA - Jolly is completely right about one thing - if my ex had a wife, and she contacted me to speak about our son, I would be furious, beyond belief furious. I talk to my ex about our son, but I don't discuss parenting issues with anyone else. My ex might be fine with a new girlfriend or wife contacting me in his place, but I wouldn't be, and I wouldn't speak to them about anything parenting related either (except, if my ds was on visitation to say, "Is ds there? I'd like to talk to him").
There is the ability to do TPR for a step parent adoption, but it is very very premature at this point for Brascos. If there was no contact for more than a year, and the mother wasn't even trying to make contact - then it might be possible depending on the states laws. Right now, it shouldn't even be on your radar, as it is possible (depending on the state, it may even be likely) that the state will try to foster a healthy relationship between the child and his mother, through supervised visitation and the like. Brascos, since you do most of the childcare you're going to have to be willing to take the child to visitation with his mom. You will not be required to supervise, and probably shouldn't supervise it, but you do need to be able to do that - or your husband is going to have to step up and do more of the child care.
I know that i will have to take him to visitations with his mother, I am highly capable of that, but what i think is ridiculous is the statement "or your husband is giong to have to step up and do more of the child care"
hmm yeah lets see how that would work, he works from 10 pm to 7 am, so by the time he gets home, kids are already awake, and had breakfast, and then he plays and normally around thier lunch time, he goes to bed, then he gets up at 8 pm, to eat his dinner, as me and the kids have already ate, gets dressed, and leaves for work around 9:35pm. He needs his sleep too, he busts his ass all night long at work, I'm sorry I'm not going to expect him to get home, change diapers, feed the kids, pick up toys, do the dishes..... He does a hell of a lot for myself and our kids I'm not asking him to do anymore.... And i don't see where that was even nessecary
Either way, you're completely right that it is very premature for Brascos to be thinking about this.
I already stated that it was early to be thinking about this, but that doesnt mean that i cant have a conversation with my husband about it, and let him know what i would like to do if things play out that way, if they don't they don't thats fine, and if they do they do, that's fine too.
ok i am not going to sit here and explain why i talked to her, and im not going to sit here and explain why i am/was so protective of my husband, SHE isn't the only one with hurt feelings in this. HIS are too. and the caseworker knows i talked to her last night, i called her and told her, i also gave her a rundown of our converstation. and im sorry but i'm not going to just tell my husband, "oh sorry she's just your problem not mine" NO she is my problem too i have to deal with her just as much as he does! and i dont care if you other moms would be pissed off if your ex's girlfriend or wife contacted you about your kid. thats not why i called her after she emailed him, because it wasn't about his son, it was about her wanting to start problems between my husband and I. and even if it was about his son, so what? she knows that if/when we get him i will be at home with him all the time. so she will not deal with my husband as much as she will with me. and everyone is different, just because it's not a big deal to us, doesn't mean it should be.
SpottedFox isn't saying that you are overstepping with your DH - you're overstepping with the Ex. You don't have a relationship with the Ex, nor should you be trying to deal with the Ex - she had her children taken away from her, and is likely not too happy with whoever is about to get custody of those children (whether its with you, or anybody else).
You are playing a giant game of chess right now - anything could happen, and you don't want to do anything that could poison any future relationship with the ex. Go through an intermediary now (a lawyer, or social worker), and then later you can navigate forming a relationship. When I split with my ex, I didn't talk to him directly for months other than to say, "ds had a nap an hour ago, here's some frozen breastmilk, I just changed his diaper, have fun!" Literally, it took almost a year for us to say anything else to each other - we were involved in a nasty court battle, and you don't know how this is going to go. Tread carefully, do what you need to in terms of home visits/talking to the social worker/lawyer/etc, but let your DH or his attorney deal with the ex right now. You have lots of time to forge a relationship (or not) with her - right now might not be the best time since feelings are probably pretty raw right now.
ETA - Jolly is completely right about one thing - if my ex had a wife, and she contacted me to speak about our son, I would be furious, beyond belief furious. I talk to my ex about our son, but I don't discuss parenting issues with anyone else. My ex might be fine with a new girlfriend or wife contacting me in his place, but I wouldn't be, and I wouldn't speak to them about anything parenting related either (except, if my ds was on visitation to say, "Is ds there? I'd like to talk to him").
Did someone say that? On this thread?
Did someone say that? On this thread?
I've been following this thread, but haven't replied since I'm not familiar with this type of adoption situation.
I would say though, Bracos, that the women here are extremely knowlegable and have been through these situations before. I know you are on edge and defensive based on the prior thread, but that seems to be coloring your responses and making you jump to fighting back. They really, truly are trying to assist you here and make this as easy as possible for you. Listen to what they have to say. Even the things you may not want to hear or don't like. There is a lot of wisdom in their experience and it should be heeded.
ok i am not going to sit here and explain why i talked to her, and im not going to sit here and explain why i am/was so protective of my husband, SHE isn't the only one with hurt feelings in this. HIS are too. and the caseworker knows i talked to her last night, i called her and told her, i also gave her a rundown of our converstation. and im sorry but i'm not going to just tell my husband, "oh sorry she's just your problem not mine" NO she is my problem too i have to deal with her just as much as he does! and i dont care if you other moms would be pissed off if your ex's girlfriend or wife contacted you about your kid. thats not why i called her after she emailed him, because it wasn't about his son, it was about her wanting to start problems between my husband and I. and even if it was about his son, so what? she knows that if/when we get him i will be at home with him all the time. so she will not deal with my husband as much as she will with me. and everyone is different, just because it's not a big deal to us, doesn't mean it should be.
None of this is about you, your strong emotions will only get in the way.
This isn't about how you feel or how your husband feels. It's about playing your cards right so that you can do the right thing for the child.
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