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Help With Custody Of Stepson, No Negative comments, Or Attacks I'll Report and block - Page 3

post #41 of 127

I so don't get what is going on?  Sorry OP, do you want advice?  You seem to not like what anyone is telling you so why do you keep asking?  They're telling you what you need to do and the best way to get through it all, but you're getting defensive.  It really isn't a good idea to talk to the mother right now, it could actually hurt things.  You don't have to believe me or get upset because I said it but it's pretty accurate.  I would step back and let things unfold, while I get you're upset that you don't feel included it's not about you OP,  and while you feel it should be since you'll be doing the care giving it's just not how it works.  While I admit it doesn't' really make sense as you'll be part of his care however this situation is really different than just a normal fostering.  You're not his biological family and to the courts you're not even an after thought right now.  I think you need to realize that and let go a little.  If you find this offensive flag away but I don't think I've said anything inflammatory.

 

I do wish your family luck and blessings.

post #42 of 127

Brascos - I get that you are still hurting over the other thread.  Please - take a deep breath.  No one here is attacking your or your husband.  No one is even attacking the child's mother.  You asked for advice and we are giving it to you.  The thing about asking for advice from strangers is you are going to hear what you want to hear and what you don't want to hear.   However, many people have been through this and are being gracious enough to answer your question and you are tearing their heads off.  

 

If you can't accept the advice (whether you use it or not is entirely up to you), then don't ask for it.  It's as simple as that.

post #43 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess

 

I already stated that it was early to be thinking about this, but that doesnt mean that i cant have a conversation with my husband about it, and let him know what i would like to do if things play out that way, if they don't they don't thats fine, and if they do they do, that's fine too.

 

I would completely leave adoption out of the picture for now. I'll tell you why - you've already posted that you do all the child care work (which is fine if it works for your family), but if that is said too many times, and if your husband comes out with "and my wife wants to adopt him!" - this whole thing could start looking like "BrascosPrincess wants custody" and not "Dad wants custody"

 

Dad needs to want custody. If you and your DH want to raise this child - the picture presented to the judge needs to be "Dad wants custody and will raise this child" - in contrast to, "BrascosPrincess wants dad to get custody so that she can raise the child and be the hero of the story"  (Truly - my ex went to court with something similar, "If I get custody Grandma will raise the baby! Grandma is SO much better than mommy!" He got his rear end handed to him FAST and I went home with baby. Parenting is not a popularity contest, its about who has legal rights that are articulated by the courts and the legislature)

 

It's OK for you to want this boy - but its not about you. It's about getting a little kid reunited with his dad, and into a stable home.

 

Quote:

I know that i will have to take him to visitations with his mother, I am highly capable of that, but what i think is ridiculous is the statement "or your husband is giong to have to step up and do more of the child care"

hmm yeah lets see how that would work, he works from 10 pm to 7 am, so by the time he gets home, kids are already awake, and had breakfast, and then he plays and normally around thier lunch time, he goes to bed, then he gets up at 8 pm, to eat his dinner, as me and the kids have already ate, gets dressed, and leaves for work around 9:35pm. He needs his sleep too, he busts his ass all night long at work, I'm sorry I'm not going to expect him to get home, change diapers, feed the kids, pick up toys, do the dishes..... He does a hell of a lot for myself and our kids I'm not asking him to do anymore.... And i don't see where that was even nessecary


Well, you need to put some thought into just how much you are adding to your plate here. This is not a baby, he can't be strapped to your back while you go about life. He's a child, and he's older than your other 2 kids (if I remember correctly). He's been through some trauma by your posts - he will not need less attention than your dd's, if anything he will need more. This is not going to be easy - I'm sure you can handle it, but you may need some help. If not from your husband, then from someone else. It's OK to need help (heck, I need help with my 3yo son sometimes, he's a handful and totally wears me out and there's only one of him! And he hasn't been through any trauma!), but you should get a plan in place so that its there when you need it.

 

You should also expect for this child to need to do lots of work to repair the relationship that he doesn't have with his dad (again, it doesn't matter why - its just going to have to happen). It's going to be HARD.

 

Rather than be sarcastic, you could respond to people in a way that is polite and states your point. I know that this information is not all roses and butterflies and unicorns farting rainbows - custody battles are stressful, they suck, and are NOT pretty - I've been through 2 incredible nasty ones myself - I would know (I also won both thanks to my ex being a lying *&^%$#@). The more you can do to lessen the drama, to lessen the hard feelings (doesn't matter whose feelings are hurt, doesn't matter why - hurting someone because they hurt you isn't right, and using hurt as a way to create or allow someone else to create drama gets you nowhere fast), and to make this as stress free as possible - the better it will turn out for everyone.

post #44 of 127

hug2.gif

 

I would be very frustrated if I were doing most of the child care, without getting much say in important decisions.  

 

That being said I totally agree with all the posters upthread - you need to let DH handle both the ex and the courts:

 

-it will lessen any chances of "she said/she said"

-Your DH doing most of the work with the courts and social workers will show that he (who is the father) is invested in getting custody. 

 

I understand your frustration and strong emotions - but do not let that cause you to do anything that would jeopardize your family's goal.

 

 

post #45 of 127

I have read this and I have read the other thread. You are getting very defensive when people bring issues up. I would use this discussion as a chance to work on that alone. In court cases there may be situation where others may phrase things in an intentionally inflammatory manner just to see how you'll react. If you react how you have in these two threads it will hurt your case. It's hard, and it may not be fair. But you are not interested in fair, you are interested in getting custody of your husbands son. So when something you said seems to be misunderstood or taken out of context or just seems like an attack take a deep breath and think how to respond that paints your husband in the best light.

 

For example: In the other thread you mentioned that visitation was limited up to this point because of disagreements about support payments. I'm sure it was more complicated than that you were simplifying the issues, however this statement got a lot of negative responses. Instead of getting mad, and saying further things that may make your appear unreasonable look at what you said and how you could have said it better or differently. For example, "Unfortunately we were still working on visitation and it had gotten complicated. My husband and his ex were still working on it and discussing and husband wanted to see his son more often." Now it's up to the ex to either corroborate or say that she was holding out visitation for more money. Which looks bad on her instead of looking like your husband just walked away from his son because he didn't want to support him. Or you could talk about how this was your husbands 1st and he was unfamiliar with all his rights and was still exploring what options were open to him.

 

Another example: In this thread you went on at length about how you should get more information because your husband spends very little time with the kids. When other pointed out that that would not look good to the courts you got defensive and upset. Instead of getting upset you could notice that once you explained your day better someone else pointed out that he spends as much time with his kids as other working parent. You now know that some people would view emphasis on your level of involvement over his negatively. Judges and social workers are people to. Now you can talk about both your roles in your kids and potentially in his son's life more positively.

 

When multiple people thing something is a bad idea it makes it even more likely that a judge or social worker may feel the same way, such as you having any contact with the ex. at this point. It might just mean that at least discussing your contact with the ex before speaking to her with a lawyer is a good option, making sure your husband is in on the conversation is a good option, just not talking to her is a good option....

 

People are just suggesting that you think about things from multiple perspectives before you act or speak.

 

It is hard when perfect strangers are judging every single thing you say. However, in a custody battle that is what will be happening in the court system. Take this thread as an opportunity to see how other may view things, both positively and negatively.

post #46 of 127
Thread Starter 


no what upsets me the most is that we have caseworkers coming in and out of my home on almost a daily basis, my kids are involved here, and yet i am not allowed to know anything when they are bringing my three children into it, i think i have a right to know when MY own children are being involved. and i know that this whole custody thing isnt about me it's about what is best for my stepson and i understand that, i also understand that talking to his ex could hurt us, thats why i blocked her numbers from my phone, and blocked her from my husbands email, (she doesn't have mine)
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I so don't get what is going on?  Sorry OP, do you want advice?  You seem to not like what anyone is telling you so why do you keep asking?  They're telling you what you need to do and the best way to get through it all, but you're getting defensive.  It really isn't a good idea to talk to the mother right now, it could actually hurt things.  You don't have to believe me or get upset because I said it but it's pretty accurate.  I would step back and let things unfold, while I get you're upset that you don't feel included it's not about you OP,  and while you feel it should be since you'll be doing the care giving it's just not how it works.  While I admit it doesn't' really make sense as you'll be part of his care however this situation is really different than just a normal fostering.  You're not his biological family and to the courts you're not even an after thought right now.  I think you need to realize that and let go a little.  If you find this offensive flag away but I don't think I've said anything inflammatory.

 

I do wish your family luck and blessings.



 

post #47 of 127
Thread Starter 

i do understand that i worded the thing with his support payments wrong, but what i meant was that she wanted more money, and she told us that the only way we could see my stepson is if she was there the whole time we had him, but the problem with that was that she would pull me aside, and talk really badly and negatively on my husband trying to paint a picture of him that is incorrect, and yes i know this for a fact because if any of it was true i would have been out the door almost 5 years ago. And the other problem with her and his visitations was that anything he tried to do with his son, play, tickle, look at books, change diapers, whatever it was she found a problem with it every time he touched his son it was a problem. We just couldn't deal with the drama anymore, and then she told us that the only way we could see him was to go to her parents house, where it would be her, her sister, and both her parents, against us and have four people doing this to him instead of just her. So yeah it was very complicated because she made it sound like he wasn't fit to be left alone with a child. Which is not true, obviously. Because I have no problem at all leaving my three with him for the day to go grocery shopping or whatever, he loves and adores kids, it's not like he's mean and abusive to them. And yes we were very unfamiliar with what his rights were, and are because, well truth be told we still are we haven't gotten a clear explanation on what they are, still.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by JollyGG View Post

I have read this and I have read the other thread. You are getting very defensive when people bring issues up. I would use this discussion as a chance to work on that alone. In court cases there may be situation where others may phrase things in an intentionally inflammatory manner just to see how you'll react. If you react how you have in these two threads it will hurt your case. It's hard, and it may not be fair. But you are not interested in fair, you are interested in getting custody of your husbands son. So when something you said seems to be misunderstood or taken out of context or just seems like an attack take a deep breath and think how to respond that paints your husband in the best light.

 

For example: In the other thread you mentioned that visitation was limited up to this point because of disagreements about support payments. I'm sure it was more complicated than that you were simplifying the issues, however this statement got a lot of negative responses. Instead of getting mad, and saying further things that may make your appear unreasonable look at what you said and how you could have said it better or differently. For example, "Unfortunately we were still working on visitation and it had gotten complicated. My husband and his ex were still working on it and discussing and husband wanted to see his son more often." Now it's up to the ex to either corroborate or say that she was holding out visitation for more money. Which looks bad on her instead of looking like your husband just walked away from his son because he didn't want to support him. Or you could talk about how this was your husbands 1st and he was unfamiliar with all his rights and was still exploring what options were open to him.

 

Another example: In this thread you went on at length about how you should get more information because your husband spends very little time with the kids. When other pointed out that that would not look good to the courts you got defensive and upset. Instead of getting upset you could notice that once you explained your day better someone else pointed out that he spends as much time with his kids as other working parent. You now know that some people would view emphasis on your level of involvement over his negatively. Judges and social workers are people to. Now you can talk about both your roles in your kids and potentially in his son's life more positively.

 

When multiple people thing something is a bad idea it makes it even more likely that a judge or social worker may feel the same way, such as you having any contact with the ex. at this point. It might just mean that at least discussing your contact with the ex before speaking to her with a lawyer is a good option, making sure your husband is in on the conversation is a good option, just not talking to her is a good option....

 

People are just suggesting that you think about things from multiple perspectives before you act or speak.

 

It is hard when perfect strangers are judging every single thing you say. However, in a custody battle that is what will be happening in the court system. Take this thread as an opportunity to see how other may view things, both positively and negatively.



 

post #48 of 127
Thread Starter 

i make most of the important decisions, except sometimes when it's huge i do talk with him first. but all of this is just so frustrating and i dont mean to take it out on anyone on here if i did, i really didnt mean to, i just want to run and hide and bang my head off a brick wall repeatedly... not that it would help anything in the situation but might make me feel better lol

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

hug2.gif

 

I would be very frustrated if I were doing most of the child care, without getting much say in important decisions.  

 

That being said I totally agree with all the posters upthread - you need to let DH handle both the ex and the courts:

 

-it will lessen any chances of "she said/she said"

-Your DH doing most of the work with the courts and social workers will show that he (who is the father) is invested in getting custody. 

 

I understand your frustration and strong emotions - but do not let that cause you to do anything that would jeopardize your family's goal.

 

 



 

post #49 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post


no what upsets me the most is that we have caseworkers coming in and out of my home on almost a daily basis, my kids are involved here, and yet i am not allowed to know anything when they are bringing my three children into it, i think i have a right to know when MY own children are being involved. and i know that this whole custody thing isnt about me it's about what is best for my stepson and i understand that, i also understand that talking to his ex could hurt us, thats why i blocked her numbers from my phone, and blocked her from my husbands email, (she doesn't have mine)
 



 


I think you're upset with the wrong people. The fact that caseworkers aren't working with you is reasonable. The fact that your husband won't tell you anything is indicative of a problem.

 

post #50 of 127
Quote:

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post


…. but all of this is just so frustrating and i dont mean to take it out on anyone on here if i did, i really didnt mean to, i just want to run and hide and bang my head off a brick wall repeatedly... not that it would help anything in the situation but might make me feel better lol


 



 



Venting is good….and I expect it will be important for you to find a safe place to vent and let of steam.  Vent…and then move on and make good decisions.  

 

I do think you have a right to know information that affects you and your children.  I would get this info from your husband - the caseworker is probably not allowed to give it to you due to confidentiality issues.

 

 

post #51 of 127
Thread Starter 

okay this is probably going to be wayyyy long but here it all is: when I met my husband she was like 6 months pregnant, i knew she was pregant but understood his situation as they had not had any contact at all since she found out she was pregnant, not a word about doctors appointments or anything was said to him while she was pregnant. I started dating him and moved in with him. We weren't together but maybe 3 weeks when we moved in together, I know its soon, but everything felt so right that I felt it was a good time. Then his son was born, she didn't tell him she was in labor, or even that his son was born, he found out because his dad's exwife called his grandparents and told them. And his grandparents called us and let my husband know. We got married a few months later, so this is now 9 months later since i met him. The day that she got out of the hospital she let him see his son for five minutes. And that was it. Then she wouldn't let him see him at all for three months because she was breastfeeding, yes that was really her excuse. Two weeks after my husband and I got married she filed for child support, because she heard that he married me. She let us see his son for three monts, When he was six months old she cut visits off because she found out that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. The only other times that my husband had seen him was when she had him in his place of work late at night, he would say hi and talk to his son for a few minutes, and then she left, We had tried to contact her several times over the past almost three years to get visits in, take him swimming in summertime, picnics, anything we could possibly plan and try to do fun for him. She never returned calls or emails. She paints a picture of my husband, not sure about even in court too, that he is: mean, controlling, abusive, and basically a pos. None of this is true about him at all, he's not mean, he's not controlling at all, and he has never once been abusive to me or i would be refering to him as my ex husband right now. It has all just been a big mess and it's so frustrating to both of us. And yes I do want advice I didn't mean to take my frustration out on anyone on here that wasn't my intention at all, it's so frustrating that everything I do is under a microscope, my kids are under a microscope, It's just all so frustrating. And also it's not just his name she is trying to drag through the mud, it's mine too. She's started dumb rumors about me, as we live in a small town, that I have anything from herpes to chlymadia(sp?) and that I'm a whore, slut, bitch, you name it I've been called it from her. Sorry for language just examples no offense intended. And other rumors too, but it's just ridiculous that she has to resort to acting like she's in third grade starting things like that instead of being an adult about it. She also wrote a long letter to us where she called my husband a sperm donor, Told him to lose her phone number and email, and that it would be a cold day in hell before he saw his son again. She also wrote a long blog on her myspace page back when that was big and popular about my husband, saying that I don't know what I'm getting myself into by being with him, and that she feels bad for me dealing with his abusive ways, and that she is surprised she didn't miscarry my husbands son because of all the stress he and his family put her through, because my sister and law, and brother in law tried to talk to her and be a part of my stepsons life too. and then i wonder why i have gray hairs already... im getting a migrane even thinking about all this i've wrote, I got to go take some excedrin and pick up toys again, but I hope all this clarified it more. And like I said I didn't mean to take my frustration out on anyone it's all just so hard and complicated to deal with...

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I so don't get what is going on?  Sorry OP, do you want advice?  You seem to not like what anyone is telling you so why do you keep asking?  They're telling you what you need to do and the best way to get through it all, but you're getting defensive.  It really isn't a good idea to talk to the mother right now, it could actually hurt things.  You don't have to believe me or get upset because I said it but it's pretty accurate.  I would step back and let things unfold, while I get you're upset that you don't feel included it's not about you OP,  and while you feel it should be since you'll be doing the care giving it's just not how it works.  While I admit it doesn't' really make sense as you'll be part of his care however this situation is really different than just a normal fostering.  You're not his biological family and to the courts you're not even an after thought right now.  I think you need to realize that and let go a little.  If you find this offensive flag away but I don't think I've said anything inflammatory.

 

I do wish your family luck and blessings.



 

post #52 of 127

ew she sounds yucky Brasco.  I'm sorry you've had to deal with all that.  Just be the better and bigger person that is all you can do at this point.  Inflammatory words suck balls but the way you handle these things show greatly how false they are.  Good luck and I really hope everything turns out well for all involved.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

okay this is probably going to be wayyyy long but here it all is: when I met my husband she was like 6 months pregnant, i knew she was pregant but understood his situation as they had not had any contact at all since she found out she was pregnant, not a word about doctors appointments or anything was said to him while she was pregnant. I started dating him and moved in with him. We weren't together but maybe 3 weeks when we moved in together, I know its soon, but everything felt so right that I felt it was a good time. Then his son was born, she didn't tell him she was in labor, or even that his son was born, he found out because his dad's exwife called his grandparents and told them. And his grandparents called us and let my husband know. We got married a few months later, so this is now 9 months later since i met him. The day that she got out of the hospital she let him see his son for five minutes. And that was it. Then she wouldn't let him see him at all for three months because she was breastfeeding, yes that was really her excuse. Two weeks after my husband and I got married she filed for child support, because she heard that he married me. She let us see his son for three monts, When he was six months old she cut visits off because she found out that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. The only other times that my husband had seen him was when she had him in his place of work late at night, he would say hi and talk to his son for a few minutes, and then she left, We had tried to contact her several times over the past almost three years to get visits in, take him swimming in summertime, picnics, anything we could possibly plan and try to do fun for him. She never returned calls or emails. She paints a picture of my husband, not sure about even in court too, that he is: mean, controlling, abusive, and basically a pos. None of this is true about him at all, he's not mean, he's not controlling at all, and he has never once been abusive to me or i would be refering to him as my ex husband right now. It has all just been a big mess and it's so frustrating to both of us. And yes I do want advice I didn't mean to take my frustration out on anyone on here that wasn't my intention at all, it's so frustrating that everything I do is under a microscope, my kids are under a microscope, It's just all so frustrating. And also it's not just his name she is trying to drag through the mud, it's mine too. She's started dumb rumors about me, as we live in a small town, that I have anything from herpes to chlymadia(sp?) and that I'm a whore, slut, bitch, you name it I've been called it from her. Sorry for language just examples no offense intended. And other rumors too, but it's just ridiculous that she has to resort to acting like she's in third grade starting things like that instead of being an adult about it. She also wrote a long letter to us where she called my husband a sperm donor, Told him to lose her phone number and email, and that it would be a cold day in hell before he saw his son again. She also wrote a long blog on her myspace page back when that was big and popular about my husband, saying that I don't know what I'm getting myself into by being with him, and that she feels bad for me dealing with his abusive ways, and that she is surprised she didn't miscarry my husbands son because of all the stress he and his family put her through, because my sister and law, and brother in law tried to talk to her and be a part of my stepsons life too. and then i wonder why i have gray hairs already... im getting a migrane even thinking about all this i've wrote, I got to go take some excedrin and pick up toys again, but I hope all this clarified it more. And like I said I didn't mean to take my frustration out on anyone it's all just so hard and complicated to deal with...

 



 



 

post #53 of 127
Thread Starter 

she is also telling the caseworker bs that isn't true also. like the visits his son has been having with my husband have been negatively affecting him, and she's worried about how he is taking seeing his dad because apparently she thinks he is a horrible person because they broke up the day she found out she was pregnant, but yet she is the one that pulled her car off to the side of the road and told him to get the hell out of her car and just left him there, for no apparent reason. she is a cold heartless vindictive little biatch....she was supposed to have a court hearing yesterday for her counts of endangering the welfare of a child, and also leaving an infant unattended in a motor vehicle, no word on what happened or what she got out of it yet, local paper isn't out yet.

post #54 of 127

It is hard to imagine that the caseworker, who knows she is potentially guilty of child endangerment and child neglect, would actually listen to her when she vents about the two of you. I'm hoping the case worker has some common sense and knows that of course she's going to try to shift the blame, when she in fact, is the one in trouble!

post #55 of 127
Thread Starter 

Warning this is a vent:

 

so my husband and I were supposed to talk about how I'm feeling and handling all this custody stuff and caseworkers and lawyers in and out of here and stuff like that. Well he went to bed tonight at 7 pm knowing my kids go to bed at 8 pm, and he knows that i go to bed between 10 pm and midnight depending on my teething 6 month old. So now he won't be awake until 2 to 6 am, so there goes my time. It's so frustrating feeling like I'm dealing with everything on my own. I am so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted it's not even funny. All the cleaning and housework falls on me, all the diapers falls on me, all the breaking up fights all day long between my 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 year old daughters falls on me, my screaming 6 month old because his gums hurt all night long and nothing helps falls on me. And all I ask him to do is take the garbage to the dumpster as it is too far away for me to go and leave the kids inside by themselves, and TALK to me. Is that really too much to ask? I feel so emotionally alone I'm ready to start talking to the wall and see if it talks back. And I'm not saying that he is a terrible father or anything because he's not he is there for the kids with everything from counting and colors to boo boos, but as a husband in the communication department, frankly he sucks. I shouldn't have to deal with the meltdowns, and temper tantrums, and fights, and teething, and baths, and making breakfast lunch dinner, cleaning, EVERYTHING! i have to do dishes at least six times a day, i have to vacuum my living room three to four times a day, i have to do baths everyday, I have to mop my kitchen floor 1 to 2 times a day, i have to pick up toys 7 to 8 times a day. A little emotional support is too much to ask though??!!!! I don't want him to cook, clean, go to laundry mat once a week, anything, I just want him to COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!!!! I'm alone with the kids alll day long thats all i really talk to is my kids all day, once in a great while my brother in law, or sister in law, other than that its my kids (not that there is anything wrong with that but I need adult conversations too) then when he gets up at night it's dinners done, the kids did this this and that today, this one said this, this one learned these animals, these colors, blah blah blah, and then its out the door he goes. I feel like there is no real effort to spend time with me one on one. And it's really starting to piss me off. He hasn't said much about his last two visitations with his son to me other than it went well and he's warming up. I had to ask to get more detail on what they played with, what they did, anything! It's getting ridiculous! I shouldn't have to interrogate my husband just to have a conversation! There is a girl he works with that's younger than I am who he told me said she wouldn't mind if he was checking out her ass. Well that to me is hitting on him so I asked him if she has since then because well, that is not okay with me that she would even say she wouldn't care if he was. Which I think I know my husband better than that I don't think he would, but he gets mad and upset if i ask him if she or any one else has hit on him at all. I know it upsets him that I'm insecure about myself, but is a little reassurance too much to ask too? The most I weighed before we got married was 120 pounds, and now that i'm like 190 it's really affecting me, and he doesn't care or doesn't act like he does. I've been cheated on and lied to soo much in past relationships that I don't feel it would hurt him to say "I know your feeling a little insecure today it's okay to feel like that sometimes, and don't worry I'm not going to do anything behind your back and have no thoughts on it" thats all i need to hear! I dressed a little more  sexy and girly today, tight jeans, lower cut shirt showed off some cleavage to get his attention and all i got was "why are you wearing that shirt" I mean REALLY???? men i swear.... they are so friggin clueless a good wack upside the head would only make them dumber so its not worth the energy to do it.

post #56 of 127

I'm sorry, you have really legitimate reasons for feeling like you're carrying too much yourself and having no support.

post #57 of 127

about the visits with his son: is he always that short on detail, or do you feel like it's just lately?  If it's just lately, maybe he's stressed out about the whole situation too. 

post #58 of 127

Your laundry list of genuine complaints sounds normal - overwhelming, but pretty common.  You are not alone in this - I could have written a very similar post when my kids were very young.  In my case, life absolutely got better and easier for me as the kids aged.  Hang in there!

 

My husband is not a great communicator.  I wish he were - but he is not.  It is like pulling teeth to get him to talk about any emotional or relationship stuff. He is a little better at ranting about politics or practical stuff - but still.  I have given up in this department.  I have been married to him for 17 years, I don't think he is going to change.  Lord knows I have tried winky.gif

 

One issue we have is DH has a long commute time.  He is gone a fair bit, and when he is home he is tired.  I can barely carve out time to talk to him some days due to schedules and tiredness.  What we have done in the last few months is set up a bit of a schedule.  He has a need for sleep - but I have a need for interaction.  On weekdays his needs for sleep is a priority, but on weekends, my need for interaction is priority.  I expect him to stay up past 9:00 and talk to me.  I have no issues with insisting or waking him up if it is prior to 11:00 p.m.  I do try to find a fun movie we can watch together and the like.

 

During the day, is there anywhere you can go that your kids can play and you can talk to other parents?  I am specifically thinking of those free drop in centre or play groups.  It will give you other mothers to chat with - might fill some of the need for adult conversation, and it might break up the kids day (and fighting!) for a bit.

 

Lastly, I would look at your cleaning expectations.  There are other things on your list you need to sort out, but this is a an easy one and one you have control over.  Your cleaning regime looks fairly extreme to me.  Vacuuming 3-4 times a day, mopping once or twice?  Stop the madness <grin>.  Vacuum or mop no more than once a day unless there has been a huge spill.  I do it far less than that, and always have (even when my kids were little).  Giving yourself a bit of time off in the day to recharge is more important than having a super clean house, imho.  

 

Good luck and do something fun and easy for yourself - today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

post #59 of 127

I have been following this thread for a couple of days and after reading your vent , I simply had to say something . 

Now , just be sure from the start , this is not an attack on you or anything like that , but when I read this , I could almost feel you breaking down and crying hysterically .

You REALLY , REALLY need to take a step back and take a DEEP breath , honestly , you are killing yourself , mentally , emotionally and physically !

It is not healthy , what you are going through , for you or your kids . 

And if things are like this now , my assumption is , that things will probably be the same way , when your stepson will move in with you

He most likely went through some trauma with his Mother and everything , that´s going on , but do you really think , you are ready to handle yet another small child ?

I am in no way implying , that you are a bad Mother , or unable to cope , if you didn´t give censored.gif, you wouldn´t be on here , asking for help .

And yes , maybe your husband is working hard and this is stressful for him , but it is for you , too !

How can he , or anyone , expect you to be 100 % into this , if you are basically left out in the cold ? 

He has got to talk to you , you have to know , where things are , and what´s going on , so please , if he won´t , MAKE HIM !!

Maybe even consider some counseling for yourself , someone you can tell , how you feel . Even if they can´t take the load off you , but sometimes it helps to have somebody non - judgmental listen to you .

hug2.gif

post #60 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post
 men i swear.... they are so friggin clueless a good wack upside the head would only make them dumber so its not worth the energy to do it.


truth.

 

Hugs today. You're expectations and needs are not unrealistic, and he needs to step it up. Of course he's stressed, but working full time is SO much easier than being a SAHM!!

 

Something that you should ask the social worker is what type of childcare benefits you will have available to you when your step son is placed with you - you might need to use some to keep sane. There is nothing wrong with needing help, thats completely normal.

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