Help With Custody Of Stepson, No Negative comments, Or Attacks I'll Report and block - Page 4

[Smithie]

Everything you are going through is normal, which doesn't mean that it's not incredibly hard to deal with. Your husband is having to grovel to social workers to get custody of his own child, who has been illegally and immorally kept away from him for years. He's in an emotional hell and he's reacting by shutting down. While that may be objectively understandable, it's very bad for your marriage and your family. But there's an end date to this purgatory. Once your stepson is in your home and you are mothering him, you and your husband are going to have more control over the situation and the good habits that you've built as you coparented your daughters are going to help you successfully parent your new addition. 

With regard to all the previous posts:

 They really, truly are trying to assist you here and make this as easy as possible for you.  Listen to what they have to say.  Even the things you may not want to hear or don't like.  There is a lot of wisdom in their experience and it should be heeded. 

The system is overburdened, underfunded, and sexist. If you want to get custody of your stepson, then you need to operate smoothly within this corrupt system. Rage all you want here. But take the advice, and win in court. 

[laohaire]

I don't know how enthused I am with the prevailing sentiment that "it's all normal, honey" which, I'm sure none of you mean it like this at all, but comes across to me like "so shut up and deal."

I don't think she's expecting too much participation from her husband. And I don't think it's useful to just blow it off like "well, he's clearly stressed too." So he's holding down a job, that's stressful, but how many of us are doing the same? It's no free ticket out. And yes, perhaps the whole custody thing has really gotten him down, but he's got all the support he wants at home, why not make it a "let's get through this together" thing instead of a "I'll just go sleep and leave you to deal with everything yourself" thing?

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

I don't know how enthused I am with the prevailing sentiment that "it's all normal, honey" which, I'm sure none of you mean it like this at all, but comes across to me like "so shut up and deal."

No, I did not mean that - although I understand how it could be interpreted as such.

Once upon a time I had 3 children under 7.  Things like continually cleaning up and dealing with spatting siblings are fairly typical issues.  It does not mean her husband should not help more, that she should not seek ways and help to make her load lighter - I just meant it as a way of saying "this is pretty common for this time of life."  It is hard, it is overwhelming, you are not alone but it does not last forever.  

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

And yes, perhaps the whole custody thing has really gotten him down, but he's got all the support he wants at home, why not make it a "let's get through this together" thing instead of a "I'll just go sleep and leave you to deal with everything yourself" thing?

Let's get through this together is ideal - but she cannot make him deal and "not go to sleep".

My advice upthread is more about things she can do right now to better her situation/ keep her head above water.

[BrascosPrincess]

what makes it so hard is i have another child besides the three i have that live with me, I got pregnant with him at 17 (he's with someone else, not my husband) when he was about 2 weeks old he was removed from my care, because half my family banded together and made up bs stories about me, and I was too young and stupid to know what they were doing and how to defend myself legally. The exboyfriend I had him with was also very physically, emotionally, mentally, well any way abusive you could possibly think of he did it. I gave up custody of him and let a close relative of mine adopt him, so that I could keep him safe from his father. But before I did, I went through a very lengthy and long court battle. It brings me back to how I felt, what I went through, and I see him going through it, and it makes me sad for both of us. I have done nothing today, no dishes, no toys picked up, I have moved from the fridge, to the couch, to the computer, and that's about it. Besides diaper changes and bottles. I broke down crying so hard i could barely talk last night to my husband about all of it, and he fell asleep on me. HE LITERALLY STARTED SNORING!!!!!!!! He thinks i have no reason to be acting like a bitch to him today.... so I have no reason to be pissed off at him... according to him.

 

Originally Posted by tonttu 

I have been following this thread for a couple of days and after reading your vent , I simply had to say something . 

Now , just be sure from the start , this is not an attack on you or anything like that , but when I read this , I could almost feel you breaking down and crying hysterically .

You REALLY , REALLY need to take a step back and take a DEEP breath , honestly , you are killing yourself , mentally , emotionally and physically !

It is not healthy , what you are going through , for you or your kids . 

And if things are like this now , my assumption is , that things will probably be the same way , when your stepson will move in with you

He most likely went through some trauma with his Mother and everything , that´s going on , but do you really think , you are ready to handle yet another small child ?

I am in no way implying , that you are a bad Mother , or unable to cope , if you didn´t give , you wouldn´t be on here , asking for help .

And yes , maybe your husband is working hard and this is stressful for him , but it is for you , too !

How can he , or anyone , expect you to be 100 % into this , if you are basically left out in the cold ? 

He has got to talk to you , you have to know , where things are , and what´s going on , so please , if he won´t , MAKE HIM !!

Maybe even consider some counseling for yourself , someone you can tell , how you feel . Even if they can´t take the load off you , but sometimes it helps to have somebody non - judgmental listen to you .

[BrascosPrincess]

i feel like i'm headed for a breakdown i just don't know how to pull it together instead of going into a deep depression, like i feel like i'm heading there now... all this is just awful i can't wait for it to be over with

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

i feel like i'm headed for a breakdown i just don't know how to pull it together instead of going into a deep depression, like i feel like i'm heading there now... all this is just awful i can't wait for it to be over with

I mean this very gently, please don't feel attacked. You need to seek counseling, because once your step son is with you, is when it will begin. There will be no "ending". I know you want him - I believe you. That doesn't mean it will be easier when he moves in with you - it will be harder for quite a while until all of you adjust (which could be months). If you find a counselor that you can talk to about your feelings, so that you feel heard, things might be easier to cope with.

I hope things get better.

[BrascosPrincess]

it wouldnt be bad if my husband would pull his head out of his ass and make an effort to actually be there, he doesnt understand anything i try to tell him... i know he is stressed to the max too but shutting down or bitchin at me isn't going to help him. tonight before he left for work he was holding our six month old son, i was rolling a cigarette and didnt realize he wanted me to take him, and he starts yelling and bitchin "i need to go to work, you need to take him, can you stop and put that down for a minute!!!" all he had to say was hey i gotta go can you take him, or at least be nice about it, my five minutes of nicotine outside isn't more importnant than holding my son like he seems to think it is, its impossible to know what he wants cuz he just stands there with a dumbfounded blank look on his face like i'm supposed to read his mind.. last night he sat on the couch next to me while i was crying and hysterical and trying to explain how im feeling and what is stressing the both of us out and that we need to work on stuff before our marriage falls apart, cuz im starting to feel like it's slowly falling to tiny pieces, he just looked at me and said, "i'm tired you ready for bed" umm NO i'm not ready for bed, how am i supposed to be ready for bed and want to sleep while i'm stressed that our lawyer hasn't gotten ahold of us, stressed about money, stressed about his visits and how they are going because he wont tell me, stressed about how his court crap is going because he wont tell me anything, was stressed cuz his ex was trying to start her crap but i got rid of that problem, i blocked her numbers from my phone and her email from his email address, my kids fighting constantly, my teething six month old and nothing helps, on top of trying to keep up on everything i have to do like housework, laundry, kid's dr appts, and honestly i'm worried and stressed out about what kind of problems we may face with his son i dont know what kind of trauma he has endured with his mother and her boyfriend, i dont know how he reacts in situations where things dont go his way, i dont know how he is going to react to my kids i dont know alot and its the unkown that worries me. it's stressful too trying to find someone that will trade my car for a minivan because i cannot fit four kids in the backseat of my car, three is hard enough, and there is only three seatbelts, my car has problems with it right now anyway i dont know how much longer that will be safe, or if it will even pass inspection next month, it should but never know, i feel like i have to deal with everything and manage everything on my own because he is not present, hardly physically and definately not emotionally. it's not fair.. he seems to think it's too much to ask to have a conversation with me, let alone just give me a hug and let me cry and tell me it will all be okay.. thats all i need.. i have nobody, if i call my brother in law to talk he runs back and tells my husband everything i say so if i word something wrong and it makes it sound like i'm talking crap on my husband he calls and has my husband go over there and makes it sound like i meant it negatively, i cant call my sister in law due to the same reason. I don't have any contact with my mother, sister, or brother. I have been trying to get ahold of my dad but he has no phone time and i cant get ahold of him... it's pretty bad when the only person that would give me a hug like they meant it when i was breaking down was my DOG.... I'm going to call my dr monday morning and see if i can get in because I need to do something I'm hoping they can refer me to a counselor or something because I can't function feeling this way, I need to pick myself up for my kids, my girls didn't run around and play hardly at all today they stayed close to me and cudled up on the couch with me, that's not normal for them.. I'm just so sad i dont want to get up, i dont want to move, i don't want to get out of bed, it's awful. i fought back tears all day long for my kids because my 2 1/2 year old daughter kept saying "mommy cry" and it made me feel so guilty and horrible I couldn't hold them back then she said "mommy huggie, mommy cry" im feeling so down and horrible.. i feel so worthless to my kids, my husband, just life in general... and i dont know what to do anymore..
 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 


I mean this very gently, please don't feel attacked. You need to seek counseling, because once your step son is with you, is when it will begin. There will be no "ending". I know you want him - I believe you. That doesn't mean it will be easier when he moves in with you - it will be harder for quite a while until all of you adjust (which could be months). If you find a counselor that you can talk to about your feelings, so that you feel heard, things might be easier to cope with.
I hope things get better.

[Imakcerka]

Ah, I've been in that spot where the only person who seems to realize everything is shytty is the dog. And that is why Cow Dog is my best friend. She even talks back... if only I knew what she was saying. Oh and she licks your tears away and hugs sweetly. Call your DR, and get some rest if you can. I hope all works out for you.

[singin'intherain]

You sound like me about seven years ago. I had four kids six and under and I was a total mess. My husband was no help, emotionally or with the absolute mountains of work. I didn't get a good night's sleep for ten years, and I felt like I was going crazy from that alone. I would reflect on my life and think, "Nobody could do this without going crazy. It's like torture." Literally, a lot of my life was searingly painful. I had one friend, and she lived two hours away. I saw her once a week. I felt like a disgusting monster inside, so I was incredibly intimidated by talking to people- I thought they would see what I saw in myself, and hate me.

My husband could have seen what I was going through, and made things easier for me. He could have helped with housework on the weekends. He could have expressed appreciation for my work. He could have gotten me a glass of water when I was nursing. He could have offered to take a couple of kids out so I could have a break. He could have had sex with me. But he abandoned me emotionally, and I reached a point where I knew that even if it got easier as everyone always said, I would take that new found leisure and energy and leave him. And that's what I did.

I'm not saying you should leave your husband. I'm saying that what you're going through is not normal. Good marriages are partnerships- I know, because I have one of them now. I feel respected and seen. I can ask my partner for help, and he helps. I can tell him my problems and he listens and responds. He sees kids and housework as some of his regular responsibilities, no matter how busy he is- just like I do.

My big concern is that your family situation is overloaded with stress, and it's not functioning properly. You are a dedicated, competent mother. You yourself are a healthy influence and are just the person for this boy to come home to. But what I'm getting is that you are in a situation that is traumatizing you, and with that going on, how can you be expected to raise a stepson? It's ridiculous for the social workers to disregard your role in this situation. They are in your home, trying to make sure you are fit to care for this boy, but they don't want to share with you the details of what to expect? I would be very surprised if you can't call the social worker and tell her/him that you are the stay at home parent in the household and would like to know what to expect if dss comes to live with you.

Are there ways you can stand up for yourself with your husband that you are overlooking? I'm not talking yelling, believe me that doesn't work. But tell him that you are overworked whether he likes to think so or not, and that unless xy and z happens, dss might just be better off in foster care. You need breaks from the kids. You need help with the cleaning. You need counseling. Your whole family needs counseling, or no stepson. You will probably be able to get this kind of help from the state when he is placed with you, I don't know how it works in your state, but that's what they do here, even if the child is placed with family.

I want to recommend some books that helped me survive those years. Mother Nurture, and Siblings Without Rivalry. I also read lots of cheesy "You can do this" kinds of self help books, the positive thinking ones. I don't know if they really helped, but they made me feel better. Louise Hay is good.

Good luck, hun. I'm rooting for you. Keep on fighting the good fight!

[BrascosPrincess]

waiting until his next court date on the 19th is agonizing, the caseworker said that there is a good possiblity that the judge may send my stepson home with him that day, and that parent has priority over anyone else but i'm still kind of worried about what our odds are against his ex's parents. Her mother has completed and gotten back two clearances but from what I know her father hasn't completed any, and from what I was told from a very reliable source that her father won't pass them anyway. It's the what if factor that's really getting to me. What if my husband does not get him, how is he going to handle being told "you cant have your kid" how am i going to help him cope and how is he going to deal with it. What if we do get him, what behavior issues am i looking at, what if he doesnt get along with my kids, what if he's unhappy about being here with us, what if he doesnt like me... i know i need to stop beating myself up with these questions but i just cant help it...i cant stop...

[pumpkingirl71]

Waiting is so hard :(  Sending you hugs. 

I tried to post this the other day, but I was having computer trouble.  It is cliche around here to talk about takign care of yourself.  You can't be a good mom to a traumatized child (or any child) if you are at your wit's end.  Is there someone who can watch your kids so you and your husband can go on a date?

[BrascosPrincess]

no there isn't anyone who can take them for me, but a couple days ago i reread my posts and started making time for myself after my kids are in bed. It's a bubble bath, shower, reading a book, reading a magazine, playing a game, or just watching tv. It has helped alot. Especially since it's almost uninteruppted. No husband, kids asleep, just me. He said we are still on for talking thursday night after the kids are in bed, so I'm hoping that goes well, I don't see why it won't but never know.

 

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 

Waiting is so hard :(  Sending you hugs. 

I tried to post this the other day, but I was having computer trouble.  It is cliche around here to talk about takign care of yourself.  You can't be a good mom to a traumatized child (or any child) if you are at your wit's end.  Is there someone who can watch your kids so you and your husband can go on a date?

[SpottedFoxx]

Brasco - this is an emotionally charged situation and you are at the end of your rope.  May I may a suggestion?  Write down everything you are feeling.  Just pour your heart out.  Then go back and read it in a few hours and edit it as you wish.  Try to keep accusations to a minimum and try to keep it to "I" statements.  "I felt disrespected when you fell asleep the other night."  Instead of "you are an $!$%!# for falling asleep last night".  While both may be true, he really can't argue with you when you are just stating how you are feeling.  Keep fine tuning it until it's time to talk.  Before you say a word - hand it to him and let him read it.  It's hard to fight when someone is reading a letter. It also gives you the opportunity to say everything you need to say in a constructive manner.  Hopefully, it will give him a window to what you have been going through and open the door to some real communication for you both.

I have to say, the last major blow up I had with my husband, I did this and I was able to get my needs known without resorting to yelling or talking over each other and it led to a permanent resolution to the issue.  

Good luck.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess 

waiting until his next court date on the 19th is agonizing, the caseworker said that there is a good possiblity that the judge may send my stepson home with him that day, and that parent has priority over anyone else but i'm still kind of worried about what our odds are against his ex's parents. Her mother has completed and gotten back two clearances but from what I know her father hasn't completed any, and from what I was told from a very reliable source that her father won't pass them anyway. It's the what if factor that's really getting to me. What if my husband does not get him, how is he going to handle being told "you cant have your kid" how am i going to help him cope and how is he going to deal with it. What if we do get him, what behavior issues am i looking at, what if he doesnt get along with my kids, what if he's unhappy about being here with us, what if he doesnt like me... i know i need to stop beating myself up with these questions but i just cant help it...i cant stop...

Who has the child right now, today? A foster parent? Or ex's parents?

If its a foster parent, the only reason they would not send the child home with would be to help ease the transition (foster parents jump in and correct me if I'm totally off here!), but your DH doesn't need to pass clearances - he's a parent. What I know, as a lawyer, is that parents have a fundamental right to the care and control of their children (as put by the US Supreme Court in the Catholic School Girls case), Grandparents do not have those same rights - ever. There are states that recognize grandparent rights, but they do not even come close to a fundamental right.

As for the "what if" factor - its a shitty one. I hate what if's too, and unfortunately I'm surrounded by them all time with my loose cannon ex (the most current what if is, "What if I get served tonight?"). IF your dh doesn't get your DSS, you will tell him to keep fighting. You will tell him that eventually, his son will live with him, and that he will keep fighting until that happens. You will also expect that he can handle it - he's a grown man, and he's a capable person. You can support him, but you cannot shoulder the entire burden. Custody cases are rarely short, and almost never happen exactly the way you want them to. The key is never giving up hope, and continuing to fight even when it gets rough.

[Smithie]

"If its a foster parent, the only reason they would not send the child home with would be to help ease the transition..."

You are not off base about what the law says to do. You may be a little off base about what family courts in some jurisdictions actually do. They don't think much of fathers, especially nonresident noncustodial fathers. The mother's mother is a favored placement in many cases. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

"If its a foster parent, the only reason they would not send the child home with would be to help ease the transition..."

You are not off base about what the law says to do. You may be a little off base about what family courts in some jurisdictions actually do. They don't think much of fathers, especially nonresident noncustodial fathers. The mother's mother is a favored placement in many cases. 

I was afraid that might be true. However, if the mothers mother is married, and her husband hasn't passed the required clearances (or couldn't, due to extraneous circumstances?), would that still be true?

Also, if it were a traditional custody battle between 2 parents (and CPS wasn't involved in anyway), the father would get custody if the mother was truly proved to be unfit. That I have experience with (grandparents aren't parties to traditional custody battles), but the foster system, and all that is not something I know anything about.

[BrascosPrincess]

from what i've heard about her parents living situation and her father's alcohol problem i dont think they stand a chance in hell, but still never know..

[BrascosPrincess]

yeah right now he is still in a foster home
 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Who has the child right now, today? A foster parent? Or ex's parents?

If its a foster parent, the only reason they would not send the child home with would be to help ease the transition (foster parents jump in and correct me if I'm totally off here!), but your DH doesn't need to pass clearances - he's a parent. What I know, as a lawyer, is that parents have a fundamental right to the care and control of their children (as put by the US Supreme Court in the Catholic School Girls case), Grandparents do not have those same rights - ever. There are states that recognize grandparent rights, but they do not even come close to a fundamental right.

As for the "what if" factor - its a shitty one. I hate what if's too, and unfortunately I'm surrounded by them all time with my loose cannon ex (the most current what if is, "What if I get served tonight?"). IF your dh doesn't get your DSS, you will tell him to keep fighting. You will tell him that eventually, his son will live with him, and that he will keep fighting until that happens. You will also expect that he can handle it - he's a grown man, and he's a capable person. You can support him, but you cannot shoulder the entire burden. Custody cases are rarely short, and almost never happen exactly the way you want them to. The key is never giving up hope, and continuing to fight even when it gets rough.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Who has the child right now, today? A foster parent? Or ex's parents?

If its a foster parent, the only reason they would not send the child home with would be to help ease the transition (foster parents jump in and correct me if I'm totally off here!), but your DH doesn't need to pass clearances - he's a parent. What I know, as a lawyer, is that parents have a fundamental right to the care and control of their children (as put by the US Supreme Court in the Catholic School Girls case), Grandparents do not have those same rights - ever. There are states that recognize grandparent rights, but they do not even come close to a fundamental right.

As for the "what if" factor - its a shitty one. I hate what if's too, and unfortunately I'm surrounded by them all time with my loose cannon ex (the most current what if is, "What if I get served tonight?"). IF your dh doesn't get your DSS, you will tell him to keep fighting. You will tell him that eventually, his son will live with him, and that he will keep fighting until that happens. You will also expect that he can handle it - he's a grown man, and he's a capable person. You can support him, but you cannot shoulder the entire burden. Custody cases are rarely short, and almost never happen exactly the way you want them to. The key is never giving up hope, and continuing to fight even when it gets rough.

This is not the case in most places. Her DH doesn't have custody of the child so he (and the OP because she lives in the home and will be caring for him) will need to be thoroughly checked out by social services. They need to make sure that he's a competent parent, that the OP isn't too overwhelmed for the child to be safe physically and emotionally) and that the home is safe. It's been a long thread so I don't remember if the OP's husband is on the birth certificate or not. If not, he'll likely have to have a paternity test. I'm a foster parent and have been on fostering boards for years. My daughter (in foster care at 9 1/2 months and adopted at four) was not automatically placed with her birth father (or ever, for that matter.)

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

truth.

Hugs today. You're expectations and needs are not unrealistic, and he needs to step it up. Of course he's stressed, but working full time is SO much easier than being a SAHM!!

Something that you should ask the social worker is what type of childcare benefits you will have available to you when your step son is placed with you - you might need to use some to keep sane. There is nothing wrong with needing help, thats completely normal.

They probably won't be eligible for any child care benefits unless they are income eligible (which doesn't sound likely if her DH has a full time job.) Especially since the OP doesn't work out of the home and doesn't need childcare to go to work to support her DH's child.