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Goin through a really complicated divorce. UGH.

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

Ok, let me see if I can sum this up and explain it in the best way possible..


My 'ex' husband and I where married back in early 2005. I was only 16. I got myself pregnant just to marry him and get out of my parents house, where my abusive step father lived. Needless to say - BAD CHOICE.


Our daughter was born in the fall, i was 17 now. My 'then' husband joined the Army and all went well. We where stationed in Cali, and it was beautiful- but scary considering I moved all the way to the other side of the country,away from my family at such a young age ( I was born and raised in Georgia).


Things started going sour in our relationship. He was very mentally unstable and had chocked me during a psychotic episode and a few other, verbal things. We both knew that there was nothing left to our marraige. He didnt really care about our daughter or me. The pressure of the military was simply too much for his already unstable mind. We both sat down one day and both agreed that if the 6 month break from each other we was about to get ( he was going to arizona and wasnt allowed to take family ) didnt help our relationship, a divorce would be best.


I know this wouldnt be enough. He went on to AZ and I went home to GA for a visit. Thats when I decided that I really didnt want to go back at all. I didnt want to be with him anymore. I called him and let him know this, he was upset, but agreed that he felt similar. We both decided that we should do our ' own things' in the mean time. He gave me permission to date if i chose to do so, and I did the same for him. It never got messy or ugly.


A few months later, after I had moved back to GA and put my things in CA in storage until I could afford to have them moved home, I began dating an old high school boyfriend that I had always had feelings for. It was wonderful. My daughter loved him and his family instantly. I felt alive again and was very much in love. It was great.


Mean while, back in AZ my 'husband' went ahead and used the military lawyer ( provided for free ) to start our divorce. The papers where sent to me. We talked about everything- our daughter would live with me, I would have soul custody of her. I signed the papers and retuned them to him for his lawyer to file- but he turned the soul custody part into joint custody without my consent so the lawyer dropped the case altogether and refused to touch it. I was pretty pissed, as I had just found a low paying job back in GA and was living with the inlaws and really had no money to pay for a lawyer myself.


I ended up moving in with my boyfriend, my husband knew about this and was OK with it. He informed me that he too had met a girlfriend that we felt strongly about. About a month later he attempted 'suicide' by taking a bottel of tylenol and then calling 911. This wasnt to kill himself, but to be able to get out of the army. He was placed in a mental institution...and so was his GF. Irionic...i know.


About 4 months later, i discovered that I was pregnant and the child was my boyfriends, of course.  I did my own divorce papers online and waited for my 'husband' ( who was back in GA now ) to sign them. I later found out that he and his GF moved to newyork. Finally..forever later, 'husband' returned to GA, signed the papers and I had them noterized and all of that. I didnt have the money at the time to have them filed and felt that since 'husband' was recieving military benefits that he should pay to have them filed ( $280 ) since I paid to have them printed and typed ( $200). He would never come get the papers to have them filed. This drug on for so long that the papers where out dated and where no longer valid.


Now, it has been 6 1/2 years and 'husband' and I are still not divorced. BF or 'finace' has taken care of both me, our son and my daughter. 'Husband' never wanted anything to do with our daughter but 2 weeks ago called and informed me that he would take her from me. Keep in mind this would be the first time he has even laid eyes on her in about 8 months or longer. He made threats and cussed and then would cry- changing emotions rapidly. He would become very violent and then apologize.


Even though we're living on UE checks because fiance lost his job back in may, we scrapped together the money to go to a lawyer and make sure 'husband' cant do this and to go ahead and get this damn divorce thing over with already. He will be served with a restraining order and the divorce papers soon ( like tomorrow). He has nothing to help his case at all. He doesnt have his own home, his own car, has just now got a job for the first time since leaving the army, has serious mental issues, has sacred and hit our daughter before and much more. DD literally doesnt care for her biological father- at all. She doesnt want to live with him or even see him. He scares her. Once, when her father moved back in with her GPs where she visits often and stayed for an extended period of time after my sons birth, her father put on a scary mask and chased her around the house to 'discpline' her when she wasnt behaving to his liking. 'Husband' was living there with another GF and was removed from the house for his behaviour to not only DD but his parents as well.


I have court in May and have a wonderful lawyer that I feel very close too and trust very much. I have to take 'parenting classes' this month ( just a thing you have to do now when you have kids and get a divorce) in two weeks, which is no problem. I have to complete this for my divorce to be finalized.


I know I have nothing to be worried about. My lawyer believes that if he is even allowed to see DD, it will be with supervision only. I know that he has NOTHING on his side, besides the fact that im living in an 'adultress' sitution, which my lawyer doesnt seem to be concerned about.


BUT i stil cannot help but worry. I never made it a big issue to go ahead and get divorced from 'husband' because we both did our own things and He nor I was ever in a rush to get married to anyone else..not to mention we never had much money. It was never a big deal to either of us.


I guess im just looking for some support. This is both frustrating and scary. 'Husband' is literally insane. He is suppose to take medication to help this, but he doesnt. Hes the type of guy that will burn your house down to make a point. Hes crazy and he freaks me out. The restraining order doesnt mean much to him, im sure. If he gets mad enough ( hes severly bipolar and changes peronalitys in a snap ) he would come shoot us or burn down our house and try to kidnap our DD.


DDs school knows not to let him anywhere near the property and all of that, she DD is safe there.


Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice for me? I know this situation is a bit complicated- but any advice, BTDT or not, would be awesome. Ive never been in a situation like this, and its eating away at me like crazy.


Thanks in advance!

post #2 of 7

I have no advice for you, but didn't want to read and not respond.

I am sending good thoughts your way that everything works out for you and your family. I am sure it will.

Much love to you  hug2.gif

post #3 of 7

Have you by any chance kept the old paperwork where he gave you sole custody? Does it have his signature? I would give that to your lawyer.


Any time he contacts you from this point forward I would go ahead and document it, report it to the cops as a violation of the restraining order, and inform your lawyer.


Now is no longer the time to be easy-going, relaxed about it, or to compromise. You need to handle it up, and get it taken care of so he can't do this to you or your daughter ever again.


You did good getting the lawyer, the restraining order, and making time for the parenting classes. Keep following through. Listen to the lawyer, and go through every step of the process as completely as possible. It's probably going to be ridiculously hard on you emotionally. Just keep pushing through. It WILL end. Don't forget that.


Plus, you might want to post in the single moms or blended families boards. Those mamas have a lot of insight as to what you're going through.


I wish you all the luck hun. hug2.gif

post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 

Thanks to both of you for your support. It means alot to me right now!


MamaInTheDesert- No, i dont have the old paperwork. He had all of that but had gotten rid of it. But there has been some updates in this department: Hes in jail right now for some pretty serious charges. Among them are DUI and distributing to minors and this is his second DUI in 3 months, so hes in pretty big 'trouble'. I will find out exactly how this will effect our divorce/custody tomorrow when I speak with my lawyer. I will post back with an update ASAP. Our court date is the 24th of next month.


Thanks again Ladies. You guys are the best! love.gif

post #5 of 7

Base on your story, you really have a very complicated situation right now. And its good that you have already your lawyer to help you settle the issue. It seems that you have all the advantage with your child's custody since according to you, the legal "husband" of yours don't have that capability to raise your child and he is also mentally ill. But still, you have to prove it in court. Hopefully you will win the case.


California divorce attorney

post #6 of 7

Wow, how complicated! I have no advice other than document document document! And to take care of yourself and try to relax. I hope things pull together here very quickly for you and your lawyer manages to get everything through. 


I remember talking with you about your DD a few months back--how is she doing? How's she handling all of this? 


Sending you lots of light and love, mama!!

post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the warm wishes 3xMama!


DD is taking this all very well. This has been ongoing for a long time and the man that I am with now has been her father figure since she was 2. She loves him very much and he loves her. She considers him her father.


I have told her about whats going on, and really she isnt concerened at all. She doesnt feel stress over the situation because she,as bad as it sounds, has no loving feelings towards her biological father. They have never had a close bond and the things that she does remember about him are very negative.


So, shes doing better than I am!  She knows that if she wants to talk about anything she can always come to me. She has asked me a few questions about the situtaion, but they have all been very basic.


Thanks for your concern, Mama and i will keep everyone updated. I have been very busy and have hardly found time to get online and check my messages at night, so please bear with me if it takes a day or two for a response.


much love to you!

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