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Unexpected pregnancy, freaking out, please help

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 

Have been lying awake, eyes wide open, freaking out, need to work through this.

 

I relied on MDC so much though my first pregnancy, miscarriage, 2 years TTC, pregnancy and birth of my daughter. I haven't been around much lately, and am way too distraught to remember my old sign-in info, but I couldn't think of where else to turn.

 

I just took a pregnancy test, got the biggest brightest positive I've ever seen. Will wait until tomorrow morning to test again, but I am freaking out. My situation now is so different from when I got the BFP with my daughter, which was one of the happiest moments in my life. 

 

Main problem, my husband has been out of work for over a year with nothing on the horizon and I can't support the three of us, much less four of us, on my salary. He's depressed, I'm stressed, and this has been an incredibly hard year for our marriage. We're making it, but just barely, both emotionally and financially. We hadn't decided whether we wanted to try for a second -- were putting that off until we were financially secure enough to consider it.

 

How did I get pregnant? Well, I stopped taking birth control pills. Brilliant, right? I think part of me figured my baby-making days were over -- I mean, we required Clomid to get pg with #1, and I'm almost 38 now, so I just thought that was that. And I think part of me DID want a second child and this was my passive way of going about that -- which is just a wrong, wrong, wrong way to make a decision to bring another life into the world. I don't know how I will be able to forgive myself for being so cavalier about something so important. And I can't imagine telling DH the truth -- that I just stopped taking the pills. But neither can I imagine lying to him -- I just don't do that, and again, WRONG way to bring a new life into the world -- based on a lie?! Why was I so stupid??

 

And perhaps I feel worst of all about my dear daughter, 2.5 -- this is going to rock her world, and it's going to happen as such a vulnerable time for her... she was going to start a new school in the fall. A new school we can't afford, but still, it's a really nice school. She's just been the center of our world, and I know that sounds bad but she's turning out really well, not a little monster or anything. It breaks my heart to think that I won't be able to give her the same amount of attention as I do now.

 

And of course, there's this poor little life that I've unthinkingly created... this bean deserves the same joy that I felt with #1, and it's just not fair to him/her. And then there's the fact that I was like super-healthy my first pregnancy, and this time I've been drinking coffee, eating whatever's in front of me, drinking alcohol (at least twice in the past two months to the point where I've been tipsy). It's just wrong that through my own carelessness I maybe haven't given this child the same good start in life. What if I've done damage?

 

I haven't told DH yet. He possibly has a big job interview this week and I think I have to wait to tell him until after, otherwise it's just too much pressure on him. He's stressed enough just trying to prepare for this interview. Oh, I can't believe I've done this.

 

God, I just am freaking out. I keep thinking, what am I going to do, what am I going to do? What have I done to our lives? How will we manage? How can I bring a child into the world like this? To be clear, I'm not considering abortion or adoption. I just need to figure out what to do. I need faith, I need comfort, maybe I need a slap in the face. Please, please help me if you can.

 

 

post #2 of 14

First I would like to say Congratulations!  I am so happy for you!   And yet, I pretty much know how you feel, because I indeed managed to have 3, yes, 3 not exactly planned pregnancies over the course of my life, all with very poor timing and the same types of nail-biting stressors that you seem to be facing.

 

With the first, I ignored that little "antibiotics vs. the pill" thing and 'voila' had to move up wedding date by six months.  Got pg with no insurance benefits and when we were living in a studio apartment w/DH only working part-time jobs....  With DS#2, was working through the process of getting DS#1 diagnosed (Asperger's) and trying to put our marriage back together after DH had an affair, just trying to make some headway in counseling when I got pg while using minipill correctly....OK you get the picture. 

 

I will cross fingers, toes, whatever it takes and hope that your DH gets that job!   I know this news is a shock, but your DD will be fine and you will too.  There may be some rough spots, but we are all here to help and support you online at MDC through your new pregnancy :)

 

 

post #3 of 14

I needed Clomid to get pregnant with #1 and #2, so I never even took birth control.  Then, Surprise!  I got pregnant with #3 with absolutely no help.  It was the worst possible time for us too.  DH had just gotten his first job and it was temp to hire.  He was told he would be hired but it hadn't happened yet.  I knew I was losing my job in 2 months and I held the insurance.  And I had figured out, since we wouldn't have day care costs we would only be making $50 a month less with me on unemployment than we did with me workings.... yeah I was freaked out.

 

The good news was, now we were a family of 5.  We qualified for WIC, CHiP insurance for the kids and I while I was pregnant and the new baby at birth, heat help, and a couple other things I can't remember.

 

Fast forward 13 years (almost exactly; I lost my job 13 years ago yesterday!).  That kid is the biggest blessing.  He totally completes our table.  It stunk to high heaven to go back to work but I found a great part time job while 7.5 months pregnant.  DH got that job permanently, and kept it through 4 ownership changes and 2 promotions.  He's starting his 1st new one tomorrow!  DH and DS didn't bond real great the first couple years due to the stress of his surprise arrival but he is the spitting image of him and their personalities are so alike it's uncanny. 

 

and your dd isn't too old to have her world rocked.  My first two are 30 months apart and my boys are 26 month apart.  My nieces are 42 months apart (they tried for 2 years) and my nieces are the best of friends most of the time.

 

I hope our story helped a little...

post #4 of 14
Thread Starter 

Thank you so, so much for your replies. It helps so much. Reading the responses, I feel like I started breathing again for the first time since I saw that positive result. Wow. OK. Keep breathing. Thank you so much, your stories really help.

post #5 of 14

Hi LaurelTree,

 

I just wanted to stop by and give you some support! My pregnancy was completely unplanned as well, actually, I found out I was pregnant the day before I was going to hand in my resignation letter for my current job! This... was the worst time for me as well. My partner and I aren't exactly together due to our distance (he lives in one state, I live in another) and other problems, and he was just as shocked and forlorn as I was. I was ashamed because I wasn't married, but was expecting and I had no idea what to tell my family. I was in a job I hated, stressed me out to no end and I was really depressed because I was in a city where I knew no one and due to said job, I had no time to make friends (barely time to do laundry or get groceries, honest). I just felt like a failure.

 

I am still going through it now, as it's only been a week. But my partner has started to come around a little more, he's more attentive even with our physical distance, I am also starting to accept that not all relationships have to be marriage bound or end in marriage and it's causing me to look at WHY I want to be married as I am not religious (though spiritual), my mother is THRILLED she's going to be a grandmother before she's 48, my friends were shocked but very supportive, one of my girlfriends immediately told me if there was ANYTHING I needed, she'd be there. She has been through a lot with me as well, so I know that her saying that was true.

 

One of my guy friends even reminded me that I wasn't a failure... I graduated from college early, I had accomplished having a "real, adult job" after said college and I was effectively living on my own as a self-sufficient adult.

 

I am still dealing with the job I hate but I hoping by mid-July, I'll be gone and I'll be out of this state and surrounded by family and friends.

 

I just wanted to share my story because a week ago I was... very much like you were in terms of distraught and why in the world am I bringing this precious angel into existence like this when I'm not happy?!

 

I would reach out to your friends and family, even your DH. It's stressful, but you can do it.  I am learning and accepting that babies come when they are needed. Even in the worst of situations. Things like this you should not shoulder alone. :-)

post #6 of 14
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the support, SuperK! I guess we are in this together. :) So glad you have found support and I hope I can work through this shock and disbelief and panic and get to a good place like you are (well, a better place at least).

 

Took another test this morning, and yeah, it's a BFP. Oh how many times in my TTC #1 days did I long for a result like this... ugh. I'm so sorry little baby. I'm sorry I can't be happy for you yet. I promise I'm working on it.

 

Other stories of unexpected pregnancies/bad timing that turned out OK are very much welcome. I'm just grasping for anything at this point.

post #7 of 14

We have 6 young children.  If we waited until we were doing awesome on the money side we would have about 2.  

Very rarely do parents look back and regret their children.  You sound like a very loving and attentive mom.  Believe it or not I believe your daughter is better off having a sibling.  They learn SO much and they have a friend for life.  Oh the beautiful moments you will have with the two of them!  I catch little moments between my children that catch my breath.  I can be completely stressed out and I will see one of my children reading to another, helping the other ride a bike, laughing together, painting each others nails and the first time you see them play together is a gift!  Everything is going to work out for you and your family.  Those little mews, the first little smile that reaches their eyes, the cuddles where they just melt into you is going to melt all of this away. :)

A couple of times when I got pregnant I was thinking...What was I thinking???  Can I put my children through another pregnancy?  Am I robbing them of time with me?  What was I thinking?  I am so thankful for every one of my children and who they are in our family.  Congratulations mama!  I hope your husband gets this job.  I know how stressful that can be.

post #8 of 14

Quote:

time I've been drinking coffee, eating whatever's in front of me, drinking alcohol (at least twice in the past two months to the point where I've been tipsy). It's just wrong that through my own carelessness I maybe haven't given this child the same good start in life. What if I've done damage?

 

I take comfort in knowing that you aren't really doing damage until the placenta is formed. I was working nights before I found out I was pregnant with this baby and consuming caffeine far above the "safe" levels for pregnancy.

 

This is our fifth baby. Our middle three were planned, our first and our fifth weren't. All of them are great kids so far. In our family, I haven't found that adding siblings was too hard on the older kids.

post #9 of 14

I kind of know what you're going through! When I became pregnant with baby #2, I had JUST resigned from my job to stay home to care for baby #1 (I mean, I conceived about a week and a half later). My DH was out of work entirely. I think at the time, he was donating plasma a couple times per week and stuff just to have money for gas and some groceries. We were probably borrowing a lot of money from his mom at that time. It was bad. I had already put in my notice at my job before he lost his job I think, and then they told me at that time they were planning on eliminating my position anyway due to having to downsize. We had government assistance (with food and medical) for a few months, and were nearly evicted like *every* month, when finally DH got a job. It was a temp to hire job, but it was really awesome (and he did end up being hired by the company). I became pregnant in January, he found the job in April. Also, DS 1 was still in diapers, and on a couple occasions people would leave cases of diapers at our door. Sometimes people would just give us a card with money in it or a gift card to somewhere. We are pretty active in our church, so there were a lot of people around that helped us out when they could. Plus our family helped us out some. It was very stressful, but we made it through!

 

I'm now 30 weeks pregnant w/#3. DH had actually lost that job ^ last November the month after DD turned 1. Having been through that sort of thing already, we took action pretty quickly. We were already sort of struggling financially, as things weren't going great with the job at that point, and were facing eviction where we lived. We found a new apartment in a nearby town that was almost 1/2 of what we were paying at the other place. DH was a little more practical about accepting "odd jobs" (as opposed to holding out for "the one"). He was doing some moving labor for several months and also supplementing that with the plasma donation again. He finally found something more steady, but that ended up being "not the job"- he worked there for several months and basically he was making less than minimum wage (it was a sales job). Over last summer, we were at the point of facing possible eviction *again* so I took a part time job at a preschool and the day before I started I discovered we were expecting our third! I worked for a month until it was terribly obvious that the older two were not adjusting well to the new arrangement. DH was offered not one, but two jobs in the month of September (after I took the part time job) and started one in late September and the other the following month. (One full time, one part time). Now, things are going great. We've been able to catch up on some majorly past due stuff and even get ahead.

 

All that to say, things can turn around for the better pretty quickly. As far as your DD adjusting....well...she will. When I had DD (baby #2) it was sort of a rough adjustment. At least for the first several weeks. DS was "my world" and now there were two to care for. But she was absolutely a wonderful baby (it helped that I had been through so much w/DS- breastfeeding challenges, sleep challenges, etc...Dr Sears would call him a "high needs" child) I was prepared for just about anything, and she was so "easy" comparatively. And it's not that DS didn't *like* her or anything, but there were times when I was afraid of leaving the room "for just a second" because he would do scary things (push her out of chairs, "help" with the bulb syringe, etc) but she was thankfully always fine. Now, at nearly 5 yo and 2 1/2, they are best of friends. I mean they *really, really* love each other and are very close (of course like any siblings, they still have their moments, but that's normal).

 

I've gone through some "not excited" feelings with this pregnancy, but as time goes on, I'm really looking forward to meeting this little person. Both older children love to come up and hug my belly and now they've even started to refer to baby by name. The "not excited" part has been strange just because I'm so *familiar* with the older two, it was so hard to imagine having a third someone that is such a huge part of our lives. But, I know when the time comes, this new baby will seem like they've been a part of our family forever.

 

Anyway, I hope things turn around for your family soon! I know how hard it can be.

post #10 of 14

Test post

post #11 of 14
Congratulations! I completely understand where you are coming from, as I found out I was pregnant with DD when I had just graduated from unversity and was working as a substitute teacher, no benefits, no steady income, and in order to qualify for maternity leave (I am in Canada) I had to work a certain number of hours...also DH had been laid off and was on unemployment....I don't think I have ever been so stressed out!

But then, things started falling into place. I ended up getting enough hours to get 6 months of maternity leave payments, and DH started his own business. I got a permenant teaching job when my DD was 8 months old, and even though we couldn't afford much, we always got our bills paid and DD never went without anything. Looking back I still have no idea how we managed....but we did. It will be ok, and someday you will be able to look back on this time and think "wow, remember how stressed we were?" Good luck to your DH, I really hope he has a great interview!
post #12 of 14

Oh it worked this time, good.

 

(Sorry this turned into a book. NOT trying to thread- hijack :) )

 

Reading this thread I get a familiar feeling. Almost like I am releasing a bit of breath I have held the past nine months. Hope my story may help you..

 

I can relate to what you're going through re finances, effect on children you already have, being "stupid", a surprise pg after secondary infertility etc.  So we ttc for about a year, knew we had major MFI issues, I gave up that it would ever happen, another good 7-8 months passed in which we did not ttc and did nothing to prevent. I can't tell you how many cycles we had "perfect timing" for conception, both while ttc and after stopping trying. I even got to the point where I didn't want any more children, was glad with what we have-- we have 3. We got a surprise last July. I am now 9 months pregnant and expecting her any minute! When I say surprise, that is an understatement. I was shocked beyond shocked. You could've knocked me over with a feather. DH said he knew sooner or later it would happen if we did nothing to prevent, but I was 100% convinced it never could. Was actually kinda glad we had the built in insurance of DH's MFI as a natural birth control so we didn't have to deal with all the unnatural methods which have been problematic for me in the past. Lo and behold, with the worst timing ever, when DH and I' marriage was completely on the rocks, wouldn't you know -BFP! And guess what? The day after conception (still unknown to us) we had a huge fight and our first week long separation. Found out I was expecting about a week after DH came home. Felt crazy. 

 

To make matters worse, the past 2.5 years have been very difficult in our family, tons of stressors, DH lost his last FT job back then and has had unemployment, PT work, lost benefits, etc. One reason our marriage has been so stressed all this time has been the un/under employment.. financial stress. It's huge. When I got PG I was in the middle of applying for PhD programs. Had to give that up that plan for the next couple years and started looking for PT or FT work myself. But the morning sickness was awful awful and it was very hard to do anything. Did not find work, finally gave up trying when I was about 7.5 months along, figuring it would be too hard to start a new job that I would obviously be taking leave from very soon! Wouldn't you know, just last month I found a great lead on a job, but with me expecting so soon they said I should wait to start until after the baby is born, until I am 'ready'. Probably summer at earliest. I have never been employed while caring for any of our kids when they were younger than 3. Our older kids are now 11, 5, and 3.

 

Right now kinda feeling like it has taken this entire pregnancy to get over the shock. Have felt extremely guilty over not feeling ready/able to welcome this child as she deserves. Felt stupid the first half of this pregnancy for getting into this, felt it was my 'fault', and it was hard to be happy for us when no one else really was. People often seem to think we are crazy for having a fourth child. Yet I don't go around advertising that she is a surprise. Crazy I know, but even now it is hard to believe I am really pregnant--totally ridiculous since I have had a difficult pregnancy and feeling the kicks, pg symptoms, her presence in my body all this time and have been having prodromal labor this week!

 

 Though past year has been the most stressful in our marriage, though we had a few separations this year and seemed on the verge of divorce several times, though I have despaired that our family would survive and wondered if our marriage is even good, we are still together. Our kids, though they have acted up/out this pregnancy cause of the stresses and upheavals and sensing change looming on the horizon, have also been adorable about this pregnancy once they (even our oldest) adjusted to the idea. It will be hardest on our 3 yo. I think cause he has been my baby and will get a shock when he isn't the youngest anymore. He has already started to regress in small ways. But I am prepared for it this time, it happened with our 5 yo when he was born too.  My ILs have said and acted very unhelpful since we told them about this baby. Basically how stupid we are, they think I planned this, etc.. It pains me that they seem to play favorites among the grandchildren as it is, but also are very distant in regards to our family and what they see as our "failure to be successful" and self supportive. We have had to get a lot of support, incl. financial from my side of the family, far past the point of comfort and we have despaired of ever getting our feet under us.  Oh and we have been without insurance over a year now... the kids got on mediCal after 6 months of trying, it took 6 months into my pregnancy to get just pregnancy coverage for me, and DH was refused many times and still is. After only having the PG coverage 10 weeks, they dropped it, along with the kids coverage for no reason except possible error in the system. It has now been a battle to get reinstated. Will be lucky to get it back for me before the 6 weeks postpartum coverage is up, doubt I will get any before the pg ends! Sorry to write such a book on our tale of woe.

 

Reading what I've written, I am sorry this is not more uplifting of a story. I really want to offer you some encouragement. The good news is this.  I don't feel depressed as I write this. We have adjusted to everything as best we could under very trying circumstances. Our marriage still needs work, but we get along more than not, though we still have crazy fights at times. Our kids are still growing and adorable and we love them so much. Though we often feel the pain that we arent' doing enough for them, aren't raising them right, we do everything we can to provide them the best food etc. and raise them holistically. Though we fail to live by our own standards and fall short of our ideals far too often, it seems. We are still doing our best and will not give up on that. DH right now has a couple good job prospects in the works-- which I will not get too hopeful over cause he has had so many come up and so many near things and yet not gotten chosen by a hair so many times. He commutes 100 miles to work 5 days a week, at a PT job that makes him gone 12 hour days. For over a year. But who knows? Things can change so fast. I take heart. Even though I still don't feel quite ready for a 4th child, still feel overwhelmed by 3 sometimes, wonder how it's all going to work out-- it will. Though I am scared of the labor and birth, though I have had 3 natural ones, each easier than the last (I'm lucky!) maybe because she was unplanned I still feel unprepared. But I know a lot of wild feelings are common at the end of pregnancy: fear, excitement, dread, hope, eagerness, impatience, general pissed-offedness and physically way tired of pregnancy I have felt more exhausted this pregnancy than I ever thought possible. So I wonder how I will cope. Seems like all these oscillate for me on a daily basis- a bit roller coaster-ish actually. But soon she will be here, maybe a few hours, a few days, or at most a few weeks. Somehow, I will cope with another! labor and birth and postpartum era. I am a survivor, I will find the reserves of strength. I have faith.  And I've never had a child I didn't love.

 

 

post #13 of 14
Thread Starter 

Thank you all so much for your amazing and heartfelt responses. This pregnancy is just SO different from my first, it's helpful to know I'm not alone in the panic and the shock and the OMG-what-have-I-done?! feelings. Tara I think you really say it all in your post when you say it's down to faith. Just taking that leap of faith that, you know what, I'm bringing this new life into the world, and the timing may not be perfect and life may suck at times, but we will love each other and this baby will be loved and we'll make it, somehow.

 

As you can probably tell I've come down from the ledge a bit. Went to the doctor today and saw the heartbeat... so yeah, it's real now. Most importantly, I told my husband (his "big interview" was postponed, actually they're expanding the search so he has more competition, but at least he's still in it). I was sooo worried he would be angry or it would trigger a massive depression, but his reaction was actually great. He smiled and said, well, you know I had kind of decided that we should try for a second when I got a job, so I guess I'll just have to hurry up and get a job. It's so funny, I'm usually the calm one and he's the one that freaks out over things, but in this situation we totally reversed roles. Thank god he took it so well. I mean, then we talked about finances and work and how hard it will be, and yeah, it'll be hard, but I'm less freaked out.

 

Another thing that really helped me is, I was thinking about how hard and long we tried to have our first child, and how many months I was disappointed by negative pg tests. And how devastated I was when I had a miscarriage. And thinking of the miscarriage made me think, maybe that's a soul that needed to be born. Maybe we are meant to have two children, and that other little soul just had to find a way back to our family. And that gave me a lot of peace.

 

So, I'm in a better place now... not an over-the-moon uncomplicated overjoyed place, I still have my freakout moments, but I'm trying to hold on to the faith that this is happening for a reason, and that it will all turn out OK. Thank you so much mamas for your comfort.

post #14 of 14

Congrats!  It will all work out...it just will.  Fingers crossed for your DH's job interview...but even if this is not the one, something will come along. It just will.  My DH had cancer (3x), and the last time after DD2 (#3) was born, so we were done...so I thought.  He had frozen sperm along the way, got a vasectomy after #3, and then I got the baby big again and we revisited the situation again.  And now #4 is on the way.  It will be tight as can be financially and I will have to go back to work eventually, but it is what our family was meant to be - we only did one natural IUI and against all odds it worked!  We feel so blessed, and I just know that all will work out. We are given what we can handle.  And you sound like such a thoughtful, caring, conscientious mom and woman - you will do brilliantly with #2, your DD will be in love with the baby, and you won't be able to imagine your life without her!  Put positive thoughts out there, and all will be well.  Good luck! 

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