Have been lying awake, eyes wide open, freaking out, need to work through this.
I relied on MDC so much though my first pregnancy, miscarriage, 2 years TTC, pregnancy and birth of my daughter. I haven't been around much lately, and am way too distraught to remember my old sign-in info, but I couldn't think of where else to turn.
I just took a pregnancy test, got the biggest brightest positive I've ever seen. Will wait until tomorrow morning to test again, but I am freaking out. My situation now is so different from when I got the BFP with my daughter, which was one of the happiest moments in my life.
Main problem, my husband has been out of work for over a year with nothing on the horizon and I can't support the three of us, much less four of us, on my salary. He's depressed, I'm stressed, and this has been an incredibly hard year for our marriage. We're making it, but just barely, both emotionally and financially. We hadn't decided whether we wanted to try for a second -- were putting that off until we were financially secure enough to consider it.
How did I get pregnant? Well, I stopped taking birth control pills. Brilliant, right? I think part of me figured my baby-making days were over -- I mean, we required Clomid to get pg with #1, and I'm almost 38 now, so I just thought that was that. And I think part of me DID want a second child and this was my passive way of going about that -- which is just a wrong, wrong, wrong way to make a decision to bring another life into the world. I don't know how I will be able to forgive myself for being so cavalier about something so important. And I can't imagine telling DH the truth -- that I just stopped taking the pills. But neither can I imagine lying to him -- I just don't do that, and again, WRONG way to bring a new life into the world -- based on a lie?! Why was I so stupid??
And perhaps I feel worst of all about my dear daughter, 2.5 -- this is going to rock her world, and it's going to happen as such a vulnerable time for her... she was going to start a new school in the fall. A new school we can't afford, but still, it's a really nice school. She's just been the center of our world, and I know that sounds bad but she's turning out really well, not a little monster or anything. It breaks my heart to think that I won't be able to give her the same amount of attention as I do now.
And of course, there's this poor little life that I've unthinkingly created... this bean deserves the same joy that I felt with #1, and it's just not fair to him/her. And then there's the fact that I was like super-healthy my first pregnancy, and this time I've been drinking coffee, eating whatever's in front of me, drinking alcohol (at least twice in the past two months to the point where I've been tipsy). It's just wrong that through my own carelessness I maybe haven't given this child the same good start in life. What if I've done damage?
I haven't told DH yet. He possibly has a big job interview this week and I think I have to wait to tell him until after, otherwise it's just too much pressure on him. He's stressed enough just trying to prepare for this interview. Oh, I can't believe I've done this.
God, I just am freaking out. I keep thinking, what am I going to do, what am I going to do? What have I done to our lives? How will we manage? How can I bring a child into the world like this? To be clear, I'm not considering abortion or adoption. I just need to figure out what to do. I need faith, I need comfort, maybe I need a slap in the face. Please, please help me if you can.