or Connect
Mothering › Groups › November 2012 Due Date Club › Discussions › Unsolicited Advice and Forceful Suggestions! Ack!

Unsolicited Advice and Forceful Suggestions! Ack!

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

I just told the staff at one of my workplaces that I am pregnant, not because I wanted to but because I am having such bad morning sickness that I need some accommodation for it.


Anyway, there's another pregnant lady in the office, about 5 months along. I thought at first that we'd be able to commiserate about pregnancy, but instead it's turned into loads of lectures from her and the other ladies in the office about how I'm doing everything all wrong. I wore high heels to work today, as I always do, but was told that was "bad for the baby" (what???) I also wear nail polish, which I've looked up and is safe to wear, but according to the book she read, it's really bad and you shouldn't wear any makeup (I wear what some might consider to be a lot of makeup). My diet is closely monitored and found to be lacking. I'm not wearing the right clothes. When I object or argue, I'm looked at like I'm a baby-killer. They have become very rude and pushy about it.


Yes, I know it's my fault and I shouldn't have told anyone this early on. But it would have been found out eventually and the situation would have been the same. It's nobody's business but mine, but when you are pregnant it becomes the whole world's business apparently.


Any suggestions for fending off all this unwanted "advice"? It's more like forceful suggestions or even strong-arming and guilt-tripping. I have done my research and I feel fairly confident that I know what I'm doing. How do I get people like this off my back without being rude or antagonizing? After all, I do work with them and I don't want a bunch of enemies among my colleagues. But I'm about this far --><-- away from losing it one day in a fit of hormonal rage and telling them all to go to hell. Clearly I need to get them off my back before that happens! But how???



post #2 of 12

I think they are the people being rude.

Either learn to shrug it off (and if you think it's bad now, just wait until you're getting all that awesome baby raising advice, ugh) or firmly let them know that their advice is not appreciated.


I have no patience for rude people so it would be difficult for me to be "nice" but something like "I appreciate you being concerned with my well being but based on my own research, I have chosen this".  And if they continue to badger you, I love the "Well let's agree to disagree".


I always loved people giving me advice on drinking coffee or using hair products or whatever while they were sitting at their desks eating 2 pounds of bacon pizza for lunch....

post #3 of 12

you can always fall back on "I already discussed this with my doctor he/she says it is fine"

post #4 of 12

I'd like to try out my idea of responding to unsolicited advice WITH unsolicited advice..... But no one yet has advised me on how I need to grow this baby properly so I haven't had the chance. ONE DAY if someone says I need to not do something (depending on what they think is best) I'll say: Oh really? You've got several moles on your face that I think you should have checked out by a doctor. Or: Thanks for the advice, here's some for you. Did you know that drinking soft drinks all day long is very bad for you? Or: Hey, from what I've seen of your life, it looks like you could stand to watch a little less TV and be active a little more. Or: Yeah, thanks for your advice, I've got some for you now on how to have a better marriage.


Of course that kind of talk only ever happens in my head....



post #5 of 12

"Thanks ever so much for your opinion. I'll be sure to keep it in mind."

post #6 of 12
I am dreading telling my in-laws for this exact reason. Uggggh. Except they are so hypocritical about it. They will freak out if I'm carrying something heavy and tell me I shouldn't do that, but they won't actually get off their (very unhealthy) asses to help. Grr. We just Had dinner there tonight, so I am all fired up.

Anyway. I would respond with "I'm not too worried about it." it keeps it light and also kind of dismisses their ideas without being blatantly rude. I am not the type of person who can have a heart-to-heart with people who drive me crazy. Just find someone you can vent to and hope they at least get you a good present! Haha!
post #7 of 12

LOL....the words that would come out of my mouth can't be said on this site.  :)

post #8 of 12

Yeah, my advice isn't great for keeping relations civil- I can remember finally snapping at about 5 months with my last pregnancy and that's when I started tilting my head and making the curious face at people. Then I would say, "You know, just a few short decades ago, it was considered highly impolite to make unsolicited comments about a woman's weight, her eating habits, her personal life and certainly her pregnancy. Don't you think our society's just gotten rude about those things?"


...but I also grabbed a woman for feeling my belly without asking once, too. LOL


I think with the unsolicited advice all anyone's going to be able to do is commiserate. Seriously. It blows, but the fact is, no matter how you say it: politely, you rant, whatever- people will still do it.


Why? I have NO freaking clue. Usually the best thing to do is sorta smirk in your head or at them (Hey man, that's just me lol) and remember: they're being a self-important jack-erm...you get the idea. Because if you ask for advice and someone gives it- you're saying "Hey, I get you may know something I don't." When someone just throws it out there? Yeah, that's totally an assumption and one that 1. Is usually not true. Am I the only one that's noticed the ruder the person is with their advice, the dumber it is? and 2. It's just really awful manners.


Matter of fact- I probably put about twenty disclaimers including one that said straight out STFU in my blog where I announced my pregnancy. Why? Because people are stupid. One of my very favorite things to say to the unsolicited advice givers- or even those out right insulting me in their "know it all/blah blah blah" (I'm a poet. Seriously, man, "Oh, there goes your career!" is about...GAAAAH SHUT UP. LOL) was, "You know what I heard? I heard that the more annoyed I get, the more hair my baby will have. Keep going!"


See, I talk about people being rude, but I am exceptionally rude- but you never see me giving unsolicited advice! ;)

post #9 of 12


Originally Posted by Marissamom View Post

you can always fall back on "I already discussed this with my doctor he/she says it is fine"

That's always a good one. That or, "Thanks, I'll consider that."

post #10 of 12

The sad fact is no matter what way you say it they will take it as an insult. They are trying to be helpful and in their head they are being nice by "helping" you. So even if you say it as politely as possible that you do not want their opinion it will cause a rift. Best thing to do is say I'll think about that or I'll talk to my dr about that, etc.

post #11 of 12
Thread Starter 

Haha, thanks for the good advice, everyone. I have been using the "I've already talked to my doctor" line a lot and it works the best.


I've tried to deflect the "advice" that keeps coming my way but some people just don't get the point. Most of the people in the office have ceased to talk to me about it because they know I'm not receptive, but there is another pregnant lady I work with, who is further along than I am, who keeps at it, every single day... argh.


The problem is, I am in China, where medical advice about pregnancy is very outdated (examples: "Don't ride bicycles! Don't do exercise! Don't wear makeup!" etc. - and yes, this is what the DOCTOR will tell you). Currently I get my medical advice from professionals in the West. However, it seems outrageous to Chinese people. For example, I bleached my hair the other day and came in to work where everybody nearly had heart attacks, despite the fact that I'd researched how to do it safely and everything is just fine.


They are also convinced that wearing high heels - which I do - will kill the fetus. So I am really much like a baby-killer to these people even though I am healthy and so is my pregnancy. I know they believe my baby will come out with some monstrous deformity or mental problem or something and are just waiting to see my scaly, three-headed baby.

post #12 of 12

I hear you. when I was pregnant with ds1 we lived in Thailand - not the same, but similar in many ways.

  Return Home
  Back to Forum: November 2012 Due Date Club
Mothering › Groups › November 2012 Due Date Club › Discussions › Unsolicited Advice and Forceful Suggestions! Ack!