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Mothering › Groups › November 2011 Due Date Club › Discussions › Are we unreasonable?

Are we unreasonable?

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 

I just need general opinions from people who aren't bias.  So please, if anyone will weigh in and be completely honest that would be great.

 

So, my mom chain smokes in her house.  It reeks.  When she comes over I make her change into one of my shirts and wash her hands.  Just recently I brought the kids to her house and it smelled so bad we spent the few hours we were there outside on the porch because I didn't want the kids in the house.

 

Last week she asked to have the kids over.  I told her I was uncomfortable with it because even though I know she wouldn't smoke in the house when they are there, all of her stuff is covered in the smell and chemicals.  So she spent all day yesterday cleaning the carpet and wiping everything down, then got mad when we told her we still did not want our kids there.

 

DD1 was recently diagnosed with asthma, and we have it under very good control right now.

 

Anyways, she is very upset because she was excited to have the kids over.  I feel bad that I hurt her feelings, but I also feel like I need to think of my kids health first.

 

Are we being unreasonable, or would you make the same choice? 

post #2 of 18

I would make the same choice.  My stepdad is a chain smoker, and I would be uncomfortable having my kids in their house.  (not currently an issue).  When they come here we do the same thing as you- hand washing and new shirts.  They think we are silly.  Sorry, but it's disgusting and unsafe, especially for a child with asthma!  I grew up in a house with heavy smokers, and it makes me so sad to think that my future health could be affected by that.  I suffered from many respiratory infections- lasting months on end- as a child.  Even if she doesn't smoke around them, thirdhand smoke is a very real danger, which you obviously understand.

 

Your kids health is more important than your mom's feelings.  

 

 

post #3 of 18
It is sad that your mom got the house all ready (in her eyes) for the kids and then didn't get to see them. It's sad that her feelings were hurt. But, what is a hundred times sadder is that really she made the choice of smoking inside over her grand kids. Is that too harsh of me? I don't mean it to be. She hasn't made her home a kid friendly place, IMO.

I don't have any hatred for smokers. I used to smoke. But they have to understand that choosing to smoke in their homes will limit the people who want to come there.
post #4 of 18

That's tough for both of you!  She must have thought she was honoring your wishes.  And you have the ugly job of telling her no.  But asthma is nothing to take lightly and I would make the same choice as you. 

 

I guess I would offer to have her over instead and ask her if she would like suggestions to make her home child friendly for another time.  I'm not sure what that would entail, but maybe it would be worth it to her?

post #5 of 18
If someone went to a lot of effort to clean and then didn't smoke in there again, I would probably let my kids visit. My kids don't have respiratory issues.

http://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/news/20110113/risks-of-thirdhand-cigarette-smoke-can-linger
post #6 of 18

I agree with this.  However, I don't have a kid with breathing issues, so I don't know how clean the house would have to be before it would be acceptable.  Cyan has one friend whose mother smokes in the house.  We decided to still let him go there.  Overall the risk is minimal, as he doesn't spend much time there.  Have you suggested to her that she stops smoking in her house completely, cleans it and tries to make it a child friendly place in general?  If you're still uncomfortable you could drop the kids off with her under the condition that she's takes them somewhere outside of her home for most of the time..

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by seraf View Post

If someone went to a lot of effort to clean and then didn't smoke in there again, I would probably let my kids visit. My kids don't have respiratory issues.
http://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/news/20110113/risks-of-thirdhand-cigarette-smoke-can-linger


 

post #7 of 18

I think that if she went to all the effort to try and clean I might let my kids go that one time, and talk about going out instead for other visits.  When my MIL was a smoker she never smoked in the house and we had no problems taking Libby because if you didn't know she was a smoker you wouldn't have been able to tell. 

post #8 of 18

I would not let my kids go over. But I would be very understanding of her feelimgs and try to come to a good solution..

post #9 of 18
Thread Starter 
Thanks guys. I did offer to let her come stay here. She declined. I will elaborate more when im not on my phone...
post #10 of 18

I certainly would not let my children over if I were in your shoes. I have a lot of resentment toward people who choose to smoke, especially around children. I was smoked around a lot as a kid by almost everyone in my family and I remember spending a lot of time begging them all to stop and getting lots of broken promises. My parents quit when I was young enough that I don't remember them ever smoking, but nearly everyone in my extended family did.

 

I do think, though, that if she really cleaned her house and chose not to smoke inside for several months that I may allow my kids there - after I'd been there myself to see how 'smoke-free' the house really was. Perhaps she could start doing her smoking outside and over the summer let her house air out and starting in the fall the kids could come over? Do you think she'd smoke outside?

post #11 of 18
Thread Starter 

She has cleaned her house many times and swore she would start smoking outside.  Several times I have brought the kids over only to have it smell like cigarettes and Febreeze and have all the windows open in the freezing cold.  I did make it clear that if she sticks to not smoking inside the kids will eventually be allowed to go over there, but I really doubt she will stick to it.  Unfortunately its not high on her priority list-  she loves to be the victim of me not allowing her to have the grandkids over, but refuses to take responsibility for her bad habit being the cause.

 

I invited her over, which was a great suggestion, thank you!  She did not come over, but instead sent me nasty texts about how alone she was all day eyesroll.gif

post #12 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by dashley111 View Post

She has cleaned her house many times and swore she would start smoking outside.  Several times I have brought the kids over only to have it smell like cigarettes and Febreeze and have all the windows open in the freezing cold.  I did make it clear that if she sticks to not smoking inside the kids will eventually be allowed to go over there, but I really doubt she will stick to it.  Unfortunately its not high on her priority list-  she loves to be the victim of me not allowing her to have the grandkids over, but refuses to take responsibility for her bad habit being the cause.

 

I invited her over, which was a great suggestion, thank you!  She did not come over, but instead sent me nasty texts about how alone she was all day eyesroll.gif


Ugh.  Sorry, Ash!

 

post #13 of 18
Omg, the victim thing, Ash. That is so my mom. I love my mom, but she is always the victim. It's always about her. Why?! I swear, I will never be that mom/ grandma.
post #14 of 18

I'm sorry Ash!  

post #15 of 18
Thread Starter 

Amanda, my Mom struggles with mental illness- so I know exactly why she is the way she is.  I cant imagine how frustrating it would be if I didnt know there was somewhat of a reason for her immaturity.

post #16 of 18


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by dashley111 View Post

Amanda, my Mom struggles with mental illness- so I know exactly why she is the way she is.  I cant imagine how frustrating it would be if I didnt know there was somewhat of a reason for her immaturity.



My mom does, too. I struggle with being understanding, though. I get super sick of the immaturity. I should do better... it's tough.

post #17 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow View Post


 



My mom does, too. I struggle with being understanding, though. I get super sick of the immaturity. I should do better... it's tough.



I struggle to be understanding to and often find myself completely avoiding the whole situation. 

 

I don't feel bad about it.  You shouldn't either.  Its not ours to take on.

post #18 of 18

My parents are both heavy chain smokers. They don't smoke in their current house, but if they did, they wouldn't smoke when Conner was around. I'd still take him over there, but it wouldn't be for long because the smell gives ME a headache, I can't even imagine what it's doing to him. I feel like the health risks he would endure during those short few hours wouldn't be as significant as the battle I'd be having with my parents over their hurt feelings. Not to mention that my Mom is one of those clean freaks that shampoos her carpets DAILY (Seriously), so it could be worse... Like... For instance, my dad's car. O_o

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