Telling the News: Any weird reactions??? « Back to Group Discussions

[Babinogi]

Hi all ye great pregnant women! I hope everyone is feeling good today. Full of inspiration, good food and not too much nausea and tiredness.

I am wondering how many started telling the news to family and friends.  We started telling people this weekend as we had our dating scan and all was well and now into the 2nd trimester.

Mostly everyone was so overjoyed and excited for us.  But I predicted that certain people would react a certain way to the news of my pregnancy.I  predicted some of the responses and to my surprise all came true. 

One was my aunt.  Since I live in the UK and she lives in the USA, I sent her an email telling her the news with photos from the scan and a photo of me with my itty bitty bump and that I was in the 2nd trimester and all was well. 

I predicted that she would pretend she never received my email.  And sure enough it happened!  I send her a few emails after the email of telling her the news that I was pregnant asking her," didn't you get the email with my big news?"  She responded to EVERY email except the one telling her I was pregnant.

I decided to call her on it and emailed her, "are you serious? you are not going to respond to the email that I sent telling you I am pregnant"  and she wrote back "I never received any such email".

I have no idea why I had these instincts about her and why my Aunt would react in such a weird way.  Last year when I was pregnant I told her on the phone and the first thing she said is, "I don't congratulate people when they are pregnant - it's like a superstition of mine".  I thought it was an odd thing for her to say since she is all about SCIENCE and AETHISM.  It really upset me that she couldn't just be like a normal person and congratulate me.  It hurt so much since I am very close to my Aunt.  Then I had the miscarriage - so her superstition didn't work anyway.

I have to remember that people have their own weird issues and to not take it personal.  All you want when you are pregnant is the people who are close to you in your life be happy for you.

I guess it's no surprise that someone who says, "Motherhood is a thankless job" would have issues....

I am trying to heal from her weirdness.  Not sure whether to disengage from her if she is going to play games with me...or just forgiver her for there must be some strange emotion problem she has.

Any one else have strange reactions to the news?  It is the most uncomfortable feeling!

[bostonmummy]

Yep, I've been getting it for weeks. Someone told me last week that I was going to feel emotionally, physically and spiritually wrecked after I gave birth. This was the same woman we were supposed to go spend Easter with. Needless to say I cancelled. 

What I'm realizing is that people have a whole range of experiences that shapes the way they respond. What I think is completely weird and even rude others feel is helpful or just simply truthful. I've decided not to ask anyone for any advice anymore and just figure out what I need to know on my own. And not to expect that others can respond the way I want them to. That's a tough one.

At least we can be happy here among our fellow October sisters!

[onyxravnos]

very strange. I'm sorry you get that from someone so close to you. :(

my weird reactions are always from the same group of collage friends who are all childless and don't want children. But I expect that from them and ignore it accordingly.

[esma2175]

DH had a friend that asked if he should congratulate him, and if this was planned (DS will be 9 when this little one is born). 

I wasn't overly bothered by it, I'm pretty sure our friend was shocked. I told DH that was a question on the do not ask list...  You just smile and say congrats,and if intrested when are you due.

[violetflapjack]

Everyone has been genuinely excited or tactful enough to be polite, except the MIL who said "congratulations...i think."  but it seems she generally freaks about childbearing and we just know to give ourselves plenty of space from her.  i know I shouldn't take it personal because it's all her issues and DH and I and the rest of our family and close friends are thrilled.  it can just be so hard to keep it all in perspective.

[sillymom44]

I was so nervous to tell people b/c I am 35 and have a 5 and 9 year old (almost 6 and 10).  I knew our family would be excited b/c they knew we were trying for so long, but there were others that I thought would say things like "better you than me"--one friend in particular0- but I was shocked at how excited she was!!  She even said "I'm so excited I could cry"....  !!  I have been so happy with the responses- and relieved with the support! 

[pregnova]

We haven't told anyone close yet, and honestly I'm not sure when we will. It's more like they're totally not expecting it for reasons unknown to me seeing as how my MIL thought we should try again IMMEDIATELY after my miscarriage. But they seem to be totally unaware at this point...which just feels weird and gives me this vibe that maybe they will also be weird about the pregnancy once they know? Idk. Now that we're traveling, we hardly hear anything from them for some weird reason, and it's doubtful as to when we'll get back up where they live. 

My sister-in-law is pregnant and due in 8 weeks, so I think a lot of this might just be that her pregnancy feels more like the 'first' grandchild to them since she lives right next to them and has shared a lot of her pregnancy with them that we never did with ds. So I think there's just not 'room' to be thinking of another pregnancy right now. 

But then again, lol, this might all be hormones speaking!!

Also, since we're planning the UC, it's a little weirder and makes me more nervous about sharing with family members who might not be fully onboard until I'm farther along in the pregnancy and have birth plans better-formulated. 

[Babinogi]

Originally Posted by bostonmummy 

Yep, I've been getting it for weeks. Someone told me last week that I was going to feel emotionally, physically and spiritually wrecked after I gave birth. This was the same woman we were supposed to go spend Easter with. Needless to say I cancelled. 

What I'm realizing is that people have a whole range of experiences that shapes the way they respond. What I think is completely weird and even rude others feel is helpful or just simply truthful. I've decided not to ask anyone for any advice anymore and just figure out what I need to know on my own. And not to expect that others can respond the way I want them to. That's a tough one.

At least we can be happy here among our fellow October sisters!

Oh, Bostonmummy - How sad that someone told you that you would feel emotionally, physically and spritually wrecked after giving birth. How horrible a view. Sounds like it's coming from a person with some deep misery. It's best to shield yourself from these kinds of comments. Glad you canceled having Easter with them. Who needs to be around that kind of negativity when a miracle is growing within. It's actually quite sad that someone would think that you will be Spiritually & Emotionally wrecked after giving birth. Perhaps she has some depression issues.  I can only imagine feeling elated and spiritually in awe.  Okay, maybe the physical part may come in to play - but maybe not and what an awful prophesy to exclaim.  Good to say, No Thanks to that!

It's true that these comments can't be absorbed and that people are going to have their weird issues.  It's also hard when people become over-prescriptive. They mean well, but too much can be a bit, well, too much. 

Here's too feeling Spiritually, Emotionally & Physically Elated after giving birth. May we all get a big dose!

[dandylez]

Babinogi, I'm sorry about your aunt. What an awful way to react! There must be some trauma there that she hasn't dealt with. It's not, or shouldn't be, that hard to be happy for someone who's happy. What a pregnancy grinch!

And Bostonmummy... ugh! Another stupid response!! Unfortunately, not asking for advice doesn't mean you won't get it! I've been inundated with all sorts of advice since I announced my pregnancy.  Most of it's fine and just an attempt to be helpful, and I just smile and say thanks, unless it directly contradicts our plans, like criticism of home birth.  It's just going to get worse, so I better get used to it!

I'm 36 and this is our first pregnancy. I recently married my partner, and this is a new(-ish) relationship for me after the brutal breakup of a previous long-term relationship. Everyone knows that this is like a second chance for me, and that my partner and I have really wanted this. So no one would dare say something negative in response to the news... or I'd lose it on them! Ha ha! Especially with these pregnancy hormones!

[Babinogi]

Dandylez,

That is the best term I've heard to describe the bad behavior! The Pregnancy Grinch - I can hear the song in my mind! ha ha ha!

I'm so happy for you and your partner and your miracle bean on the way! 

You're feeling the same way I am, as I am newly married and having my first baby too - I just want

the three of us to stay protected in our Love Bubble and if anyone dare comes near it with a pin, they're going

to shot straight to the moon! ha ha! They can take their jaded hearts and get lost ;-)

You got to nip things in the bud now and lay down the law.  Love will prevail!

[Pinkbruise]

When we told a good friend of ours that we were pregnant with our first her immideate reaction was "I had an abortion!"   I was like 

Strangely when DH told that friend's brother (closer friend) he said "aw, I want a baby"

[OrangeMoon]

Sorry for the weirdness babinogi. I personally would disengage, what a weird reaction. I didn't tell people until I was like six months last time and will do that again this time.

[dogretro]

There has been mild weirdness here b/c it is our third and unexpected. We do want three children, we just planned on trying late next summer. My mom and grandma were happy, but they reacted like we purposely got pg w/ our seventh kid. I called my mom on it, though, b/c it really bugged me. I told her about the seventh kid thing & I was like, "It's called a surprise, Mom, it's not like we planned this, but we want another kid anyway, so we are happy." I think for them, my g-ma had a daughter and a son, "perfect" family, and my folks purposely had only one child. My mom already thinks that two is enough for anyone, so three littles is like WHOA for her, esp three under five. The only thing that bothers me now is when my kiddos are being nuts and my mom says, "And you want a third!" Hello, number one, I don't want to have to keep reminding you that three right now was NOT our plan. We want THIS baby, but should something bad happen, we would not ttc right away, we would wait until later as originally planned. Number two, yes, I do want three, children are wonderful. Sometimes she says, usually jokingly to other people, "Just don't have any more." Well, not planning on more bio kids, but we are foster parents, so.. Again, having only one kid is not for everyone, certainly not for us. I'm fine w/ only kids, but that is not what I chose & I am happy, though often frustrated w/ raising two young children :)

[Angelorum]

Ugh.  Put up a belly pic on facebook last night to announce to everybody that hasn't heard yet (we'd really only told immediate family, and a few people I see regularly).  Apparently my grandmother is upset about finding out that way.  Grandpa's on facebook, but she's not.  My sister (due the same week as me) announced on facebook a week ago and apparently grandma hadn't heard from her first either.  So she sent an angry text to my mom that said to tell us that if we didn't call her there would be no presents. 

I don't even know how to react to that.  If she doesn't want to send us a present, I really don't care.  But now if I call her it will feel like I only called so I could get a present.  I feel bad that she feels left out or whatever, but a lot of extended family didn't know yet.  I guess I thought my mom would have mentioned it to her by now, or something.  I don't remember calling her specifically with ds.  Bleh.  I'm sure it's partially hormones, but I'm all emotional about it.

[Babinogi]

Hi Angelorum,

I think with email, facebook and the internet I tend to send out emails rather than call. It's the fault of the modern age.  I forget that some people don't have access and often leave them out. I can understand your grandmother feeling left out, but she over reacted.  But just to keep the peace, I  would approach your grandmother with a sense of humor and maybe

send her a card in the mail.  My mother-in-law always feels left out because she doesn't have the internet and I often have to print out things for her. My mother's computer is soooooo slow that she doesnt go on it anymore, so I had to call her to tell her and then I told her that when she goes over to my brother's she can see the scan photo in an email I sent to hi

It's great your grandmother is texting - at least she's in the loop that way.  When you didn't grow up with the computer, it's easy to feel like the world has moved too fast for people in her generation.

Tell her you don't care about her "presents" but you care about her "presence" in you baby's life and you would like her to forget about the way it was communicated and just enjoy the good news!

Hopefully she won't hold a grudge! It would be silly to!

Good Luck!

[Angelorum]

I know I'm not exactly blameless in the situation, and I need to get over feeling defensive about it.  I just don't want to call someone I know is angry at me, you know?  Plus, I've always felt awkward announcing a pregnancy in person for some reason.  Doesn't matter who I'm telling, it just feels weird to me.  I much prefer doing it in writing.  We even snail mailed our parents the news this time, we made a cute valentine announcement.  Last time, we told the important people I probably will send her a card.  She sent me a check for my birthday a couple weeks ago and I need to send a thank you for that anyway. 

According to my mom she has always had a bit of a problem with angry over-reactions, though it's gotten better over the years. 

[SunnyPerch]

I tell people as I see them, if it seems like a good time to share the news, but I don't post on Facebook about it or anything. I thought that, after having a m/c last fall, I wouldn't share such news again until much later. But for some reason I didn't feel that way at all when we got pregnant again. People have been great about it. Well, I haven't shared with my boss or supervisor, but I work from home and there hasn't been an opportune time yet.

[Babinogi]

It is a delicate situation.  Some people you prefer to tell in writing, because you can anticipate a weird response and others you know will share in your joy. 

I think it's a woman's right to feel protective about such big news.  Perhaps there is a reason why you were instinctively didn't want to tell your grandmother.

Don't feel guilty about it at all - it's your right, as it is your business.  If she can't get over it, that's her problem.

I resent the email, my Aunt claims to never have gotten and gave her the opportunity to make amends.  And luckily she stepped up to bat. 

My Aunt said she can't believe I didn't tell her sooner, which made me laugh because what is the point of telling someone early on if they

made it clear last time that they "don't congratulate people on their pregnancies".

I think the focus should be on the woman having the baby now, not on who told who when and how! But giving support to help emotional and physical health.

[violetflapjack]

Pregnancy grinch! Brilliant.

[Pink Bears]

Bostonmummy said - "Someone told me last week that I was going to feel emotionally, physically and spiritually wrecked after I gave birth."

That's awful! I can't believe anyone would say that...